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Thread: Fighting, breaking up, wanting other people, coming back, repeat

  1. #1

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    Fighting, breaking up, wanting other people, coming back, repeat

    I feel like I'm in an endless cycle in my relationship that is progressively getting worse. I love my partner, and I feel like I try everything I can to accommodate his needs and his concerns.

    But when I bring mine up, I feel like he's more interested in defending himself against my concerns rather than taking them on board and actively trying to fix them.

    Which of course makes the situation worse until the fight gets so deep that the original reason is almost lost. In some cases he withdraws and stops caring about me,
    his response - the fighting is draining my want to care
    My response - I dislike fighting as well but I never stop caring about you.

    Sometimes our fights turn in to me doing all the talking and trying so hard to give examples of what he is doing and how it is making me feel, while he sits there silently. He sits silently alot these days and doesn't want to contribute or answer when I ask questions and if he does answer I get a lot of 'i don't know' responses.

    Sometimes when we fight we break up. I get so geared up to move forward, I spend days crying and right when I'm about to pick myself up and move forward he comes back, and wants to talk. What he really means of course is let me talk and then just nod and defend himself by saying things like 'what I said was not what I was actually thinking in my head'

    Then of course I get told something like 'i went on a dating app to try and get laid or I went to a bar to try and get laid' in these scenarios nothing happened but he admits it wasn't for lack of trying.

    And then I wonder, why... Why after all of this do you choose to come back. If you're dead set on trying to hook up with other people SO soon after a fight, why even bother crawling back.

    The guy was a virgin until he started dating me, a 26 year old virgin. And his latest confession is; I've been treating you so badly because I want to experience other women. It cut me. At the same time he's saying he doesn't want to lose me, doesn't want to let me go, and he is trying really hard to get rid of these thoughts from his head.

    I'm sitting here, in a state of total confusion. Does this guy want me, or doesn't he want me? Can he get rid of these thoughts? Should I even be sticking around for this? And how can I EVER heal from these incidents? Will he keep running to try and sleep with someone every time we fight?

    Someone please for the love of all that is holy give me some advice!!

  2. #2
    Bronze Member SadSadgirl's Avatar
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    How long have you guys been together? I feel like there are a lot of incompatibilities that you both aren't addressing.

    -He acknowledges that he's treating you badly and doesn't feel remorseful
    -Wants to give up on YOU very easily and go sleep with other women
    -Doesn't seem like he tries to change

    Is this someone you want to spend your life with if he DOESN'T change? just think about that..

  3. #3

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    Hey thankyou so much, I really appreciate that you took the time to respond.

    I have been with this person for just over a year. So the relationship is still very fresh, and it's very confusing that all of this is happening in such early days especially his deep set desire for more sexual experiences.

    I feel like there are a lot of incompatibilities as well but of course I'm suckered in by his excuse 'ive never done this before, I've never had a girlfriend before'.

    He wants the chance to improve and change but I feel as though that improvement/change is only short lived.

    I guess ultimately, if you love someone you shouldn't want anything to change and yet.. I want so much change from him

  4. #4
    Bronze Member SadSadgirl's Avatar
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    not having any experience isnt an excuse to me a crappy partner. he only changes long enough to keep you convinced and make you stay, however i don't think he is sincere in actually changing and he just wants you so he wont be lonely. in a relationship asking your partner to change SMALL things is ok. what you're asking him to change is a part of his personality, i don't think your relationship will get better if you stay, it will only get worse since you're sending him the message that his behavior is ok when it is not. i don't like telling people to break up with their partner but it sounds like nothing good will come out of staying.

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  6. #5
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    Who breaks up with who when you fight?

    And what are you fighting about?

  7. #6

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    Thankyou again for your advice.

    I'm going to take these words on board. Everything you've said has crossed my mind at some stage, and it definitely solidifies it more when you read those same thoughts from a total stranger.

  8. #7

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    Hi thankyou for your response,

    It is a bit of both. Sometimes I do, and sometimes he does. Ultimately he is the one who comes back and wants resolution 90% of the time

    The last fight we had, I pleaded with him to hear me, and to help me fix what is broken. I said to him 'if you don't want to fix it then let me go'

    He proceeded to walk away silently. I approached him again, I asked are you thinking about fixing it. His response was 'no, I'm done'
    So I left.

    24hrs later he's in a bar trying to pick up women. 72 hours later he wants to meet up and fix things.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member SadSadgirl's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lovrpls
    Hi thankyou for your response,

    It is a bit of both. Sometimes I do, and sometimes he does. Ultimately he is the one who comes back and wants resolution 90% of the time

    The last fight we had, I pleaded with him to hear me, and to help me fix what is broken. I said to him 'if you don't want to fix it then let me go'

    He proceeded to walk away silently. I approached him again, I asked are you thinking about fixing it. His response was 'no, I'm done'
    So I left.

    24hrs later he's in a bar trying to pick up women. 72 hours later he wants to meet up and fix things.
    Do you really think he cares about you that much if he walks away so easily and goes to sleep with women a DAY later?

  10. #9
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    It sounds to me like the guy probably wants to end the relationship and meet other women, but he's scared to do so because you're all he's known, relationship-wise. Hence he treats you badly and says some incredibly hurtful things in the hope you'll do the dirty work and be the one to call things off, but he comes back after supposedly finishing things because he's not found someone else and if he does, maybe the grass won't be greener. I'd take control of the situation, if I were you, and just cut him loose. His refusal to engage/resolve matters and his nasty comments demonstrate he doesn't really care.

  11. #10
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    I asked about who breaks up with who because anyone that does that doesnít really care about the other deep down.
    Your response is that itís both of you.

    You still havenít said what you fight about?
    You claim to be the better person and do all you can to accomodate his needs and concerns.
    What are those needs and concerns and what is it that you do to accomodate them?

    What are your needs and concerns? That you feel are not met?

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