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Recently Dumped - Looking for Female Opinions, Guys' are Welcome


nguidi328

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Hi,

I was dating a woman (she's 32, I'm 29) for the past 3 months, roughly. We had great conversations, but I continually felt unsure as to how comfortable I was entering a long-term relationship with her. (skip to the last paragraph if you don't want the backstory)

 

Physically, she was attractive enough for me, but I wasn't ga-ga over her (I don't expect any women will be ga-ga over my physical attractiveness either). There were also some traits that took time for me to accept - some of her mannerisms made her come off as uptight (but really, I never saw it) and in particular, she seemed kind of mean to her dog. I'll explain: we'd be sitting on her couch, having a conversation, and her dog would come over and rest its head on the couch. She would say "go away (dog's name), nobody wants you/you weren't invited" in a somewhat stern tone. Somewhat off-putting, but I also had told her I'm mildly allergic to dogs, so I don't know if she was trying to protect me or what.

 

Apart from those few things, I did quite like her, though sometimes when I saw her for the first time in a few days I would have this fleeting feeling of "should I keep seeing this girl?"

 

About a month ago, she said she wanted to talk. She told me that she wasn't feeling passionate about our relationship, and had thought about ending it, but she wanted to talk to me about it. I told her I felt the same way (honestly). But I took it really hard that she basically didn't see me as a long-term prospect. She also told me that she felt a bit overwhelmed by the effort I was putting in, and was afraid there was basically an imbalance of attraction. I told her, what I thought was honest, that I really just enjoy having a girl to do things with like going out to eat, etc. Another example, she said I didn't have to do big things for her like cook her meals. I tried to explain that I cook anyway, and I enjoy having her around to share it with.

 

The next time we were together, she told me she wanted to talk again. We had, to me, a weird conversation of really letting our guard down and being totally vulnerable, which really sparked some intimacy and grew our affection for each other. I can't even remember exactly what was said, but she sort of told me what her needs were, and that I basically met those needs. I told her the same, and sort of reassured her that I was into her, and what I appreciated about her. This was pretty out of character for me, and it really made me reconsider how able I am to show affection.

 

Not long after that, I went on vacation for 2.5 weeks. We were in communication (texting only though) almost daily, sometimes initiated by her, but mostly me sending her photos of pretty scenery, with commentary. I told her I missed her once. She said "I miss you too, turns out."

 

When I got back, we had dinner, and I basically dominated the conversation with my stories (I was excited and had lot's of stories), some of which included me, my travel companion (male) and two girls we met during our travels, who we ended up travelling with. I also told her about how my friend, who is one of my only close friends in the area we live (MA) is moving to TX at the end of this year, and I told her I was also considering moving. She was on call the next day (midwife) and needed a solid sleep, so after we had dinner, a conversation on the couch, and then sex, I left, and told her I'd let her get a good night's sleep (honestly intended). That was a Thursday.

 

On Saturday, she said she was too wiped to want to do anything, and she needed some alone time (she had a guest earlier that week who's flight was delayed a day, and she brought them to the airport the day we reunited. She did seem cautious about identifying the sex of this person. I didn't ask, as we didn't really establish exclusivity at that point, but I have a feeling it may have been a past relationship she told me about, which she started in TN and ended because she moved to MA). On Sunday we hung out for about 15 minutes before she told me basically that she didn't want to continue to see me. She did tell me she thought I was pretty great, and tried to kiss me on the lips before I left, but I turned my cheek.

 

It's been about a week and I really miss her. We had great conversations, and about a year ago I came out of a long-term (5yr) relationship, so it felt great to have a female companion again. I guess my question is, was she just not into me, or was she not into me because of my wavering affection/lack of displayed affection for her? I've found that I typically go for "safe" girls who I think will be accepting of some of my flaws, with the expectation that they will accept mine, but basically no matter how attracted I am to a female, I don't really ever tell her that I'm attracted to them. I get the feeling that, at that point in the relationship, she needed to hear that I was into her...but at the same time, she told me the opposite (that I was putting in too much effort). But I also feel like I'm playing a game with my own ego, and that maybe she just wasn't that into me?

 

I guess my question is really: does your attraction to a male depend on his attraction to you? How important is that in a budding relationship?

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Hi

 

It sounds like you both were mutually feeling things out but not really all that keen on each other. You shouldn’t settle for safe. You’ll never be completely satisfied and the girl will pick up on it.

 

I think she picked up on your lack of attraction. I also think like I said it was mutually decided, maybe more not spoken that there was nothing there between you two. No spark or chemistry and no real connection.

 

It’s hard whenever you do get rejected no matter if you weren’t that keen to begin with. So I’m sorry you’re going through that.

 

Just next time look for that mutual attraction and connection and don’t settle for less.

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Imo, you need to focus on what YOUR feelings were. You were just not that into her, your gut kept telling you there was something off yet your ego and fear of loneliness kept you going with this "relationship". Imo, it's your ego that is keeping you stuck and you were not suited for each other. It's not HER that you are missing. What you are really missing is having a female companion.

 

Regarding your final question, feeling that you were holding back probably made her cautious but it also sounds like you two were on the same page i.e. not that into each other. Imo, your ego is keeping you needlessly stuck. You were not right for each other and that is why things were so lukewarm and ultimately ended. Imo, you should move on and be happy that you didn't waste more time.

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Your vibes with this woman were way off and you were both totally not even orbiting at close to the same speeds. I don't think you both were emotionally available at the same time and yet you expected it of each other ...at different times! It seems like you were tiptoeing around each other, very weird vibe. Sorry you're going through all this but consider her absence a blessing. Really.

 

To answer your question at the bottom:

First question: Yes and no. Yes because it'd be daft of any of us to think of pursuing someone where our affections are unwanted(this is just awkward and inappropriate). Let's be a bit realistic here and less abstract. On the milder end, it's off-putting and life is too short to live on such mediocre or lukewarm terms. No because no one can control their feelings completely.

Second question: It's fairly important. I'd also add that passion is required, sincere/genuine interest is required, heart is required. Anything less is not acceptable.

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Basically neither of you were that interested in the other.

That’s what dating is all about , to get to know someone just enough to decide if you want more or not.

You were both on the fence and she just came to the conclusion you were going to sooner.

 

I don’t think you are missing her , rather missing female company.

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Being "ga ga" over attraction has very little to do with looks/physical features - I've been unattracted to men who look like male models, very attracted to men who were not the least bit attractive in a "conventional" sense and everything in between. People who are looking for arm candy or to prove their self worth by how attractive their partner is in a conventional sense do not have chemistry or attraction issues -that's a whole other category.

 

I think she was stern with the dog because she was worried and it came out the wrong way.

 

I'm not sure what reaction you were expecting telling her all about other women you traveled with and that you were thinking of relocating.

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What everyone is saying.

 

Keep putting "safety" first, in these matters, and this is what you'll get: lukewarm connections in which you are in your head a lot more than your heart and body, using your brain to fill in the gaps, to create fire that just isn't there.

 

It basically sounds like you were kind of trying to engineer a non-connection into a connection—that you both were doing this, to some degree, but she was a bit more honest about it. The one willing to talk, and so on, which is often the case between women and men.

 

The difference? Women tend to be less invested with the part of the head that you've identified is driving a lot of your current thinking—the ego.

 

You clearly were never super into her, she was never super into you—which, hey, happens. That's dating.

 

It's totally okay to miss the potential of female companionship, and to miss the brief taste of it you got. But that's what's happening here, not some missed connection with the potential love of your life.

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If my boyfriend came back from a trip with stories of girls he met on the trip AND spent the rest of the trip with, followed by him telling me he wants to move to another state, I’d say goodbye to him.

 

The dog situation sounds like she was shooing it away on your behalf, out of consideration for your allergies. I’ve had people do that with their cats around me (highly allergic). Sounds like she was being stern to keep the dog away from you.

 

You’re not even that attracted to her. You only want her back because she broke up with you.

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It sounded more like a friendship rather than dating. It was blah, and she wanted sparks. You were not on that spark level where things escalate..if fell flat. You were not a match. TBH I think your were just filling in a gap of loneliness, not actual romance.

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If my boyfriend came back from a trip with stories of girls he met on the trip AND spent the rest of the trip with, followed by him telling me he wants to move to another state, I’d say goodbye to him.

 

That was my first reaction too.

 

You're not that into her, OP, and she knew it. She pulled the plug and your ego got a bit bruised. That's all this is, really.

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