Boyfriend has close female friend

Hello everyone,

the guy I am going to talk about is an ex at this moment, I would just like to know your opinion.

Please excuse any mistakes, english language is not my mother language.

I have had a very bad experiences with my boyfriend's female friends in a past so I am bit insecure in situations like this. For example, I was dating a guy who had a close female friend, I felt that there is something wrong, but told myself that I am probably just jealous. After we broke up, I found out, that he sent her long letter telling her that he has always been in love with her and had a love dreams about her etc...lol.

So, I met this guy online, we had a date and it clicked straightaway. We were dating for 3 months and the relationship was intense and the connection was amazing and this has never happened to me before so that is the reason why I wanted to work on it. We broke up 2 months ago and I am still not over it.

I am 31, he is 37 years old and he was in 7 years long relationship (he has a child with this woman), then he was single for 3 years and then we met. His best friend is 31. They know each other since they were children, they know each others parents etc...they are really close. He had crush on her many years ago, but said that it passed somehow.

She is very provocative type of woman, uploading videos where she is doing yoga or dancing just in underwear on instagram. She has not really good reputation, I mean she used to be known like the one who would sleep with anyone. She got married few years ago and also has a child, but got divorced and the father takes care of the child. She takes her daughter just once a week because she is busy with her "instagram" career.

She is very spoiled and irresponsible person. She still needs someone to take care of her. But she always chose him and he was willing to help her with everything. She went to New Zealand once for 6 months and came back to UK without money, he let her stay in his house for 6 months. She was filming the half naked videos there as well and doing yoga in front of him. Everytime when she feels little bit sad, she needs to speak with him which was quite often. Even that she had a boyfriend. And he was the same. When we had a problem in a beginning of our relationship, instead of speaking about it with me, he went to her and he told me her opinions afterwards. He also asked her to help him to bake a cake for her daughter (I was supposed to help him, but then he told me that his daughter is also coming and I did not know her yet, so I totally understood and told him I will go home in a morning). I took it more like bonding thing, something nice we would do together because I was like "yeah, he can bake cake by himself for sure, he just wants to be with me". So he gave me lift home in a morning and after I told him "right, now it will be just you and your daughter" he told me that his female friend is coming, so it will be 3 of them. I used to do that with my boyfriends, not with my male friends. So for me it was strange.

So she was problem since beginning. For me. He never asked me to meet her, but to be honest, after I knew what person she is, I was not really interested.

So I wanted to break up with him after 3 months. He started telling me that he has never felt anything like this before and that I was right, that they need boundaries and he is more than willing to work on it. Also, that evening, after 3 months of telling me that their relationship is totally innocent and they are like siblings, that nothing has ever happened, and that neither of them tried anything...he finally told me, that when they lived togeteher, she tried to seduce him and that she also asked him if he wants to have sex with her. He said no (he always said that he does not see her as a sexual object because she is messy, self obsessed, smokes weed every day, drinks alcohol too much, not responsible etc...) But they were not like siblings I guess

So we broke up and he blocked me everywhere, even on linkedin.

I think that he was a good guy actually, but I was more suspicious of her. That she manipulated him and played with him. I believe he did not want to have sex with her, but I believe that there were some hidden feelings.

And it has been 2 months and I can not stop thinking about what the hell was going on there.

Any opinions?

Thank you for reading this.

And it has been 2 months and I can not stop thinking about what the hell was going on there.

It doesn't matter any more. you are broken up. your instincts were spot on about the inappropriateness of their friendship and walking away was the best thing for you to do. I would take some time to heal and then when you meet someone again , anyone who doesn't naturally want to introduce you to their close friends (within reason, not on the first date, etc.) is someone that you should not date.

Your bf is the problem, not her. You made the right decision. Stop demonizing her, it is your ex who has zero boundaries.

He is 37 years old. He is not an idiot and knew exactly what what was going on. Get your head out of the sand!

Your bf is the problem, not her. You made the right decision. Stop demonizing her, it is your ex who has zero boundaries. He is 37 years old.

 

He is not an idiot and knew exactly what what going on. Get your head out of the sand!

Exactly. she would have bounced off of him like he was rubber. She wouldn't be in his life at all, or very minimally, or if she had been minimally, his involvement would take a big back seat to his relationship and they would become merely acquaintances.*

Just a correction, the cake was for his daughter.

You both are right. I just got mixed opinions from my friends so I blamed my insecurity for a moment.

You seem very different compared to the two of them, Po. They both sound like they've got a little too much air. And looking down on them just isn't going to do you any good. Simply hang around your own crowd. These people aren't your scene.

About your self-described 'insecurity', I don't think you have anything to be afraid of. Shrug off that type of mentality and don't carry that weight on your shoulders. Listen to your gut instincts more and don't be afraid to see things as they are.

It’s odd to me that you blame her for your boyfriends faults?

She is not a bad person just because she models on Instagram.

You don’t have to like her , but she is not the reason why you split from your bf.

You ultimately split because you aren’t compatible. That’s all.

I agree with the others -you are trashing this woman based on second hand information and your perception of photos. You say you had this "intense" connection with this man -did you sleep with him right away? How would you like it if others gossiped about you and how you sleep with people you just met through an online site? I would let this go and understand that many people have platonic close friends of both genders - it just depends, in a committed relationship, whether the friend is supportive of the relationship and you have an opportunity to meet the person. If you are right and she is a person who is comfortable being half/less than half dressed in front of strangers and abandoned her child (if you are right -you have no clue though really) then do you really want to be close to someone who would be best friends with a person who would abandon her child to pose nearly nude?

If you are right and she is a person who is comfortable being half/less than half dressed in front of strangers and abandoned her child (if you are right -you have no clue though really) then do you really want to be close to someone who would be best friends with a person who would abandon her child to pose nearly nude?

You are right, I can see it now. I blame her for everything so I can live with a feeling that he was actually a good guy...

The information about her and the child...This is what he told me. But it seemed that he did not think anything bad about that. He said that he chose this friend 25 years ago and she was there for him when he needed, so he does not want let things like that to affect their friendship.

For me, as a woman who wants to have a child one day and is really looking forward to it, it was terrible to hear, that someone would rather spend time making sexy video than being with her child, but I still tried to understand. She had also a video on instagram talking about that people judge her for that, but it is her own life and she can do anything she wants.

Everyone is different, right. So I tried to understand, but I did not so it is better we finished. I have just never met anyone before who would be in such a close friendship. So I have many questions like "So did he love her? If yes, why did he want relationship with me? Or did he just enjoy that she needed his help everytime? Was it good for his ego? Was it just a game? If yes, why did he play with my feelings?"

I just have to let it go, I know

It sounds like the guy was a player

You ultimately split because you aren’t compatible. That’s all.

I really think this is all it comes down to, and if you can learn to see it this way—in this specific cases, and future relationships—there's a lot less anguish. Sadness, of course, but not the knotted confusion.

I can easily make a case, from what you've written, that this guy has questionable boundaries with this specific friend. Then again, I can make a case that you came into the relationship with a chip on your shoulder about men with platonic friendships with women, given your experience prior to him.

Add the former to the latter and you get incompatibility.

Let's say, for argument's sake, that this friend was a man. Sure, you'd probably find his Instagram activity a bit odd, and would maybe not be a huge fan of his parenting style. But would he be a threat? Would you judge the friend and, by extension, your bf for being close to him? Probably not. He'd be a dude your bf is friends with, someone your bf likes, supports, and gets supports from. Someone whose good qualities, in your bf's mind, eclipses his lesser qualities. Shrug emoji stuff.

If a man being close to a woman platonically is a sticking point for you, I'd suggest recognizing that and stepping away from people when you spot it, no matter how "intense" the connection is. There's no shame in that, no weakness, nothing you need to "prove" by forcing yourself to be cool with a dynamic or lifestyle that you're not cool with.

I'd say that the reason you think he's a good guy is because, well, he's probably a good guy. Just not the right guy for you, as you're not the right gal for him. It can be hard to accept that sad fact with people, but it's healthier than building rage, leaning into harsh judgements for comfort.

You are right, I can see it now. I blame her for everything so I can live with a feeling that he was actually a good guy...

 

The information about her and the child...This is what he told me. But it seemed that he did not think anything bad about that. He said that he chose this friend 25 years ago and she was there for him when he needed, so he does not want let things like that to affect their friendship.

 

For me, as a woman who wants to have a child one day and is really looking forward to it, it was terrible to hear, that someone would rather spend time making sexy video than being with her child, but I still tried to understand. She had also a video on instagram talking about that people judge her for that, but it is her own life and she can do anything she wants.

 

Everyone is different, right. So I tried to understand, but I did not so it is better we finished. I have just never met anyone before who would be in such a close friendship. So I have many questions like "So did he love her? If yes, why did he want relationship with me? Or did he just enjoy that she needed his help everytime? Was it good for his ego? Was it just a game? If yes, why did he play with my feelings?"

 

I just have to let it go, I know

From now on I would take second hand info about someone else's parenting with a grain of salt. Especially since she obviously didn't feel the same way about him back when he wanted her romantically.

You are right, I can see it now. I blame her for everything so I can live with a feeling that he was actually a good guy...

 

The information about her and the child...This is what he told me. But it seemed that he did not think anything bad about that. He said that he chose this friend 25 years ago and she was there for him when he needed, so he does not want let things like that to affect their friendship.

 

For me, as a woman who wants to have a child one day and is really looking forward to it, it was terrible to hear, that someone would rather spend time making sexy video than being with her child, but I still tried to understand. She had also a video on instagram talking about that people judge her for that, but it is her own life and she can do anything she wants.

 

Everyone is different, right. So I tried to understand, but I did not so it is better we finished. I have just never met anyone before who would be in such a close friendship. So I have many questions like "So did he love her? If yes, why did he want relationship with me? Or did he just enjoy that she needed his help everytime? Was it good for his ego? Was it just a game? If yes, why did he play with my feelings?"

 

I just have to let it go, I know

Have your own beliefs and stick to them. You don't have to impose your set of beliefs on anyone unless it affects you or your space, your family, your work or if you're called upon to share them or asked about them. How another person parents their child is always a hot topic. Stay out of it and don't get emotional about it. It's not your kid and it's none of your business. As long as you can recognize the difference between yourself and others and you have your own beliefs, that's all that matters. Everything else.. discretion and tact if you can.

I agree with you that his friendship was inappropriate and he's a bit of an idiot for continuing to become so embroiled in another woman's life. When a man's serious about you, you'll feel it. This isn't it.