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Thread: Taking a Break vs Breaking Up

  1. #21
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    You are a wise person, Catfeeder.

    I have been through this stuff before. I do know you are right. I spent a lot of time writing in here, but the one thing that did do is prevent me from contacting her.

    And you're right. She should already know that stuff. Deep down, I'm sure she does.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ew. No, leave her alone and stop reading those "get your ex back" scam sites. This letter writing they suggest replete with the almost verbatim wording you are using is horrible advice. This letter is so transparent and means: "Ill be waiting by the phone licking my wounds until you contact me". You don't wish her happiness so why put that bs in there.
    Originally Posted by jackofmany
    I want to write, "I miss you too. But it is time for me to focus on myself also. Don't take my silence the wrong way. I wish you happiness."

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ew. No, leave her alone and stop reading those "get your ex back" scam sites. This letter writing they suggest replete with the almost verbatim wording you are using is horrible advice. This letter is so transparent and means: "Ill be waiting by the phone licking my wounds until you contact me". You don't wish her happiness so why put that bs in there.
    Yeah. You're spot on. I have been reading those sites, and of course I KNOW they are scams. I didn't end up texting her back. I won't.

    But I am battling through some very real anxiety over it.

    I think I am starting to realize where the anxiety comes from, even if I can't seem to stave it off. It is coming from exactly what you are suggesting, this idea that there is something I can do to fix this.

    And not replying to her message amplifies that feeling, because when she wrote, "I miss you," what I heard was what I wanted to hear, some kind of pathetic morsel of hope.

    She always said I was too cool, even "cold" sometimes, and I know why. During our last face to face conversation, she said, "I've never even seen you cry."

    So there's this urge now to show her that I do feel this deeply. I am sure she thinks I'm more or less fine. I think that is *part* of what caused us to break up.

    But not all of it.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jackofmany
    I think I am starting to realize where the anxiety comes from, even if I can't seem to stave it off. It is coming from exactly what you are suggesting, this idea that there is something I can do to fix this.
    Play that out. What if you were able to send some magic words that 'fixed' the breakup, where would that lead you? Back into the same relationship you felt was wrong for you in the first place. So what good would 'fixing' do?

    What if you could wave a magic wand and transform both of you into a brand new relationship where you had both grown into two distinctly different individuals who wanted to try again based on your more mature level of growth and development? What if this afforded you both better communication skills that could right the wrongs you both lived with before?

    THAT fantasy is the one to focus on now, because the only thing that CAN transport you into the future is t.i.m.e., and the only actions that can acquire you the maturity and development to be able to handle such a brand new context for reconciliation is your movement toward your own higher ground today.

    Your current place of anxiety and rumination is a waste of your focus. You could, instead, be throwing your focus into cultivating new interests, new bonds with friends and family, new exploration of hidden talents, new development of life skills such as confidence in your resilience and an ability to master communication, negotiation and relaxation techniques that will serve you in all areas of your life.

    Originally Posted by jackofmany
    So there's this urge now to show her that I do feel this deeply. I am sure she thinks I'm more or less fine. I think that is *part* of what caused us to break up.
    But not all of it.
    Challenge yourself again to come up with practical answers as to what showing her how deeply you can feel would accomplish? Even if in the unlikely event that it reversed her desire to break up, where would that lead you?

    Keep moving your mind beyond the fantasy 'fix' instead of leaving yourself there. Then answer where such a fix would lead you--and whether or not that would really be desirable beyond the immediate euphoria of getting to say, "I won! I fixed this and got her back!" Wul, so what--you were unhappy in the relationship before this happened, so what, exactly would that buy you?

    Consider how her breakup has spared you from being the one who needs to do it. Then ask yourself why you'd want to fix this to reposition both of you into opposite roles where YOU become the one who's unhappy enough to need to say, "Just a drill, I don't really want you back--I just loved the 'idea' of 'getting' you back. Now I'm done..."

    Think.

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  6. #25
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    Catfeeder, how did you get so very good at this?

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