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Taking a Break vs Breaking Up


jackofmany

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Alright.

 

So this is about the dawning realization that a conversation I had with my I guess now ex girlfriend about a week ago was not so much about a “taking a break” as she said it then, but about actually breaking up.

 

You’d think I’d have known that by now, but I guess sometimes you turn a blind eye to evidence that is right in front of your face when you don’t want to see it.

 

The reasons behind us splitting up were really not hard to see. We were fighting a lot. We are at radically different points in our lives. Intimacy was suffering. All those things.

 

We loved each other, like you do, and the notion of taking a break would come up now and then and we had each broached the subject of breaking up, but never could quite separate.

 

So last week she texted me that we really had to talk

 

We sat down to talk and she was crying and told me she loved me but said she was not getting everything she needed from the relationship and that she was starting to turn to “all these new people I’m meeting” for some of what she was not getting and that maybe we needed to take a break.

 

I agreed. I mean, the problems we had been having were getting worse and I could tell she was not happy and neither was I, but of course I still loved her. I kind of knew this conversation was getting closer because we had both been moving the needle towards it over the course of several weeks.

 

During those times, when I felt us pulling apart, I realized that it was going to be harder to get over her than I thought. I felt like I was going to need to take some significant time to myself before I started dating anyone, because I was in love and my heart was breaking.

 

So when she and I had that conversation, I listened to the words she was saying, but I heard what I was thinking, which was taking a break from dating altogether. What I didn’t start to process until a few days had passed was that she said she was turning to other people for what she was not getting in the relationship, and the conversation about what she was not getting in the relationship included intimacy.

 

After we left each other that evening, we both sent text messages back and forth about how we already missed each other and loved each other and etc . . . she even wrote something like “I feel like I could love you forever.”

 

But she also wrote. “This is hard. I’m sorry. This is hard.”

 

I didn’t really process the “I’m sorry.” I am starting to now.

 

Since that evening, now one week ago, we have had no communication whatsoever. The last thing we each said were more or less these words, “I love you. I want you to know that.” But then . . . nothing.

 

And here is the thing.

 

I think I needed (or maybe still need) to have the actual “break up” conversation, not the “taking a break” conversation, in order for me not to feel betrayed if I find out she is sleeping with someone else.

 

In all likelihood it is too late for that. I mean, I find it unlikely that she did not intend to sleep with someone else. Why say those things otherwise?

 

There is a part of me that think what I need to do is text her something along the lines of, “I don’t think I heard what you were saying when we talked last. If you were saying you needed to be with other people then this was never a break. It is a breakup. I wish we would have had that conversation instead. I find a lot of negative thoughts creeping into my head as it dawns on my what you were saying.

I know I said you could reach out to me, but as I think it through now, I think it is better we cut this tie completely. If our paths cross again, then they do, but for now this needs to be a real goodbye.”

 

Or whatever.

 

What do you think? Should I do something like that? Or should I just let this silence between us be the message. What I suspect might happen is a few more weeks will go by, then she will get in touch to say she has been thinking and it is best we both moved on and etc . . . and then she will emerge as suddenly in a new relationship, having used this “break” as a buffer for her feelings of guilt for overlapping someone new with our coming to an end.

 

Then I will go from just being sad about things to feeling burned. I can already feel that switch starting to happen.

 

I know that it is necessary to cut all contact with someone when you are breaking up with them. I am wondering if that is already begun or if I have to re-begin it.

 

I say all of this as someone who is still very much in love with someone, but who also sees the scope of the difficulties we were having and realizes this is probably the right thing in the long run.

 

Though in the short run, it hurts like a %&$#?@!

 

It really does. What would you do?

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I agree with you that you need better closure than that. It was a half-hearted way to break up and that's fine if you both didn't know what to say at the time but it's not inappropriate in my mind to speak on the phone and clear your mind one last time. If you're on good terms(civil), there is nothing wrong with that. You should be very clear the reason why you're calling her or on the phone and also make up your mind about what you're going to do(boundaries). Think about what you can and can't do going forwards. For example, if that means no more small talk or updates on each others' lives, then you're going to have to be clear about that with her.

 

The relationship is over so don't leave room for it to stay open and keep up small talk. You don't need to be there to hold her hand through her guilt. Let her take care of herself and don't reply to any of her messages or phone calls going forward after this last conversation.

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I knew someone who was in exactly the same situation. Very much in love but aware there are major, almost certainly insurmountable, issues.

The relationship is over ("starting to turn to all these new people I’m meeting.." is not a good way to leave it) but it's important, to you and to her, that this is clear before you move to closure (and NC).

Good luck

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I agree that this line - "she was starting to turn to “all these new people I’m meeting” for some of what she was not getting" - strongly suggests there is someone else on her radar and she knew she needed to end it with you before acting on anything.

 

As such, and given how you two left it, I would clarify with her that the relationship is indeed over and you two are best to go your separate ways entirely.

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Oof. Thanks so much you guys.

 

I hear you all. It's a bitter, bitter pill, but I hear you.

 

Things between us are civil, but I don't know if they will stay that way if this conversation is not handled correctly.

 

I mean, am I supposed to ask directly if someone else is already involved?

 

I find the prospect of talking over the phone more difficult that meeting up and talking in person one last time. I do suppose I am starting to feel some urgency behind it.

 

Of course, as I begin to picture her with someone else, the desire to reverse the situation kicks in, nostalgia shines a light on everything that was good and I struggle to remember the many things that caused us trouble.

 

How would you frame the conversation, or how would you go about it?

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I mean, am I supposed to ask directly if someone else is already involved?

 

I don't see what you stand to gain by asking, to be honest.

 

Chances are that if she is interested in somebody else, she will not be forthcoming with you about it. Most who leave and do have another option are not going to openly admit it to the person they've just broken up with, both because they know it looks bad and because they don't want to further hurt their ex.

 

But let's imagine she reveals there is another guy on the scene - how will that knowledge help you?

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I don't see what you stand to gain by asking, to be honest.

 

Chances are that if she is interested in somebody else, she will not be forthcoming with you about it. Most who leave and do have another option are not going to openly admit it to the person they've just broken up with, both because they know it looks bad and because they don't want to further hurt their ex.

 

But let's imagine she reveals there is another guy on the scene - how will that knowledge help you?

 

Right. Exactly. That's probably what I needed to hear.

 

I can't see how it would help me either. I wish I understood better why I feel like I need to know. I'm sure its just pride or something. Or maybe wanting her to say no there isn't and this is all really just a stepping back. But try as I might I can't quite get myself to believe that.

 

It's funny. I was really coming to get in clear in my head that we had to split up. But now that we are, my head is spinning. I usually make a bit more sense.

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My heart goes out to you. I wouldn't be so quick to torture yourself with the idea that 'everyone' who wants to move on to see other people will necessarily jump right onto someone else they've lined up. I've done what your ex did in terms of calling a breakup 'a break' when I was not mature enough to handle calling it done. While I'd been dazzled by all of the potential dating I could have been doing if only I wasn't mired in a relationship that wasn't working, I did NOT jump straight into the arms of someone else. I was at least shrewd enough to know that trying to position someone while I was still with a partner would make me disloyal, and worse, it would make me LOOK disloyal to anyone I would hope to impress.

 

So in your shoes, I'd do my best to take assumptions off the table. You admit that the breakup would have come sooner or later, and nobody is ever truly prepared for that. But messaging to ask her intimacy status is a useless exercise, because she'd be foolish to answer that. I'd reconsider the value in messaging anything at all when your only source of control is to focus on where YOU stand on moving forward. Since you're not interested in taking up with anyone from the gate, which is a wise choice, you can begin instead to chart your own course without trying to manipulate answers from her about hers.

 

Your percentage play is to trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet again on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to climb to that place on your own. This frees you to focus on a goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to invest in self development and healing. Then, regardless of whether this woman ever wants to reconcile or not, you'll be better positioned to handle that choice for yourself.

 

Head high, you can do this.

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My heart goes out to you. I wouldn't be so quick to torture yourself with the idea that 'everyone' who wants to move on to see other people will necessarily jump right onto someone else they've lined up. I've done what your ex did in terms of calling a breakup 'a break' when I was not mature enough to handle calling it done. While I'd been dazzled by all of the potential dating I could have been doing if only I wasn't mired in a relationship that wasn't working, I did NOT jump straight into the arms of someone else. I was at least shrewd enough to know that trying to position someone while I was still with a partner would make me disloyal, and worse, it would make me LOOK disloyal to anyone I would hope to impress.

 

So in your shoes, I'd do my best to take assumptions off the table. You admit that the breakup would have come sooner or later, and nobody is ever truly prepared for that. But messaging to ask her intimacy status is a useless exercise, because she'd be foolish to answer that. I'd reconsider the value in messaging anything at all when your only source of control is to focus on where YOU stand on moving forward. Since you're not interested in taking up with anyone from the gate, which is a wise choice, you can begin instead to chart your own course without trying to manipulate answers from her about hers.

 

Your percentage play is to trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet again on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to climb to that place on your own. This frees you to focus on a goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to invest in self development and healing. Then, regardless of whether this woman ever wants to reconcile or not, you'll be better positioned to handle that choice for yourself.

 

Head high, you can do this.

 

 

This is very well said, and thoughtful. Thank you so much.

 

As odd as it might seem, I am doing better not concerning myself with her intimacy status, although I can't claim I don't get real pangs now and then.

 

This will probably surprise no one, but when I got home from work the day after I wrote this initial post, I discovered a laundry basket with a few of my things in it sitting in the hallway near my front door. There was a letter in there too. You can guess what it was about. She said a whole bunch of things. How she would have preferred to do it face to face but was afraid she would not be able to follow through with what she knew she had to do . . . a whole bunch of things which were meant to be primarily nice to me, while at the same time being clear. There were a lot of "I love you"s but the overwhelming and very clear message was "I am ending our relationship."

 

I suppose there is a part of me that is upset by the notion that "she" is ending our relationship. I feel like we both have known we might not make it for a while. But I don't know. I don't suppose that's too healthy for me to think about.

 

But I am updating this thread because it helps. This really, really hurts. I know all of the things that we had trouble with and some of them were just never going to change no matter what we did (we are, for example, most likely just too far apart in age to really share what each other needs to go through).

 

I know all of this, and the truth is it had to be one of us that made the decisive statement. I actually respect her for it. I was having trouble getting my own nerve up for it and I would say there were several times where I just didn't end it because I didn't want to feel bad about hurting her. I more or less let this happen, which is a lesson I need to reflect on much more deeply.

 

But I miss her. Like crazy. And I am still in love with her, even though there were aspects of her personality that worried me tremendously, and even though we had serious, serious communication problems that would have me pulling my hair out of my head with some regularity.

 

The truth I often found myself thinking, "She'd be perfect . . . if she could just change these couple of things . . . " but of course those things were her, and not to be changed. We were not I guess in fact compatible, though I feel like each of us fought like hell to believe we could be. I don't think this was easy for her. I think she is probably further along the path of recovery than I am, because I think she did some of her mourning and grieving during the last months of the relationship. I think she knew it was going to come to this and got ready. I don't think she would have started to develop feelings for anyone else if she really thought we were going to make it.

 

That's not to blame her. I kind of get that. There were times after particularly harsh fights when I would just hear her sobbing next to me in bed and I'd think, "I cannot put someone through this. If I am making her feel this miserable, I have to let her go."

 

And of course I knew she would have to move on.

 

This is shallow, but she is stunningly attractive. So much so that I almost feel sorry for her, the way men treat her. I remember times when we were in fights, or when she would do something that I thought was selfish, or mean . . . I remember standing there so upset with her and yet still amazed by her physical beauty. There were times I would ask myself, "This behavior right now . . . this way of being ... would you put up with it if she were not so hot?" And so often, my honest answer was no.

 

I know I might appear to be rambling, but I hope someone is reading, because this helps, a lot.

 

At any rate, her letter was a breakup letter. There was no bitterness in it, and she tried to soften the blow, but that's what it was.

 

I wrote her one in response. I kind of wonder why I did, but I did. It was kind of an echo of her letter. I told her I also loved her and that I wanted her to know that. I told her her letter was painful to read because I also knew it was time to break up. I let her know I accepted responsibility for my role in what happened to us, and I was specific about the things I knew I was going to have to learn.

 

I did say that I would not be able to work on those things the way I needed to if she and I maintained contact but that I did not want her to interpret my silence as bitterness.

 

When she dropped off my stuff, she had written words to the effect of "I wanted to come in and give you a kiss (I was taking a nap), but I was afraid if I did I would not be able to leave and I have to leave." I wrote something similar in response, something that was maybe a little more romantic than that, but I also said if I did that I too would not want to leave, and that I knew leaving was the right thing.

 

I wished her well and said a few last kind things, said "know I love you, and take care" then signed off.

 

I haven't sent it.

 

I kind of have to now, because I said this over text just last night, two days after she left her note:

 

"First, be at peace.

This is not going to be one of those break ups that are scarred by anger. I have nothing bad to say about you, or to you. I am also not trying to play it cool. This is really hard.

It took me a little while to process your letter and get my thoughts together, but I wrote one for you too. I would have just dropped it off at your place, but I want to respect your space.

Of course I can mail it, but it seemed important not to let too much more time go by without you knowing I have thought and felt deeply about this.

I promise there are no games here, and there is nothing to fear. We have been through too much together for me to want to be anything but gentle with your heart.

You have my word."

 

That might have been a bit hasty on my part. I mean, I am serious about the fact that I am not going to try to make her feel hurt or regretful or any of that. But this is not easy. You mention the idea of reconciliation. I know how unlikely that is. But I'd be lying if I said that at this point in the process that notion were not lurking somewhere in my mind.

 

The letter I wrote her is partially written to get the nasty taste of our last several weeks of fighting and frustration more quickly dispersed, to clear the way for her to remember the good things too, and to let her know that although I am walking away, it is not because I am "too cool" (an on-point observation she made about me when expressing some of her own frustrations), but because I know I have to, and to be clear that I will be silent from now on, though that should not be taken the wrong way.

 

Now that I've written that out, it doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world.

 

But man, this is hard. Really, really hard. I almost don't understand it. I keep trying to remind myself that I knew we had to end it, that I knew she was not the right person for me, but for the life of me right now all I remember are the good things. In that respect, I feel like I'm moving backwards. She is getting more attractive in hindsight already.

 

I guess some of what I said in my letter is a bit dramatic, as we live in too small of a place to really have NO contact. We will see each other around, and eventually with other partners, like it or not.

 

That's not going to be fun.

 

Okay . . . I had to get that out.

 

Thanks to anyone who is listening. I cannot tell you how much your thoughts and responses help me think.

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Well . . .

 

I wasn't expecting a reply, but she just sent this:

 

"Me too. No bad feelings, and I hope you find the right woman you’re looking for.

Wish it could’ve been me."

 

I wish it could have been her too. It's all I can do not to just write "me too." Now I am more unsure about sending the letter.

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I'm going to update this once more and try to get some advice. After that, I think I will accept reality and start any new discussion in the "Coping with a Breakup" forum, as that is what this has become. But I do want to finish the thought of the post a couple above this, regarding whether or not I should give her the letter I described above.

 

The reason I started to re-think it had to to with the text exchange, of which there was slightly more. She didn't end it at "Wish it could've been me." She went on to say she was still very upset by an exchange we had the last night we spent as boyfriend / girlfriend. And pretty much replaced the tone of her letter with one that was much more angry and then signed of very coldly "Bye Jack."

 

She had a right to be upset by that particular exchange, though it was meant as a joke, and I had apologized for it before, but I went ahead and apologized again. I told her I saw her perspective and was sorry, that she was the last person I'd want to hurt, and etc . . . I didn't go much further than that, but I really didn't mean to hurt her feelings so . . .

 

But I am starting to wonder what purpose sending her the letter servers. It asks that we don't maintain contact, but really, we haven't been. She hasn't initiated contact since she dropped off her letter. There are some things in the letter I wrote back to her that I do want her to hear, but if I'm honest, part of it is wanting to put a good image of me in her head, so she feels at least a twinge of regret. I'm not really thinking straight yet.

 

If I'm honest, part of the letter is to protect me and ask for no contact, and part of it is to try to leave a better last impression, in the hopes of getting her back, which I know is impossible and probably even moreso, inadvisable.

 

I miss her. How shallow is it to want her to miss me too?

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Don't send the letter. If you do want her to miss you, just disappear from her life like a fart in the wind and go live yours. Let her wonder about you.

 

Such break up letters very rarely work, if ever. People end up sending them anyway just to return here and report on how it didn't get the intended reaction/outcome.

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Don't send the letter. If you do want her to miss you, just disappear from her life like a fart in the wind and go live yours. Let her wonder about you.

 

Such break up letters very rarely work, if ever. People end up sending them anyway just to return here and report on how it didn't get the intended reaction/outcome.

 

Yeah. I'm not going to send it.

 

She texted me yesterday saying she was feeling reflective and that she hoped I was well and that she misses me.

 

She acknowledged that that might be inappropriate, saying she missed me.

 

It's taken all I have not to reply immediately with "I miss you too."

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You're not obligated to send the letter you wrote just because it's written. Write whatever would make it easiest for you to cross paths with the woman in the future, as you've said that you're likely to do, rather than anything with an agenda. You'll thank yourself later, given that you recognize the futility in trying to manipulate an outcome.

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Stop reading those "get your ex back" scam sites that recommend all the things you are doing, writing letters, etc. They prey on broken hearts and false hopes. You're in the friendzone, a common landing place after a breakup. Don't go there. Pull back completely. Do not contact her at all and do not respond to any contact. Not to play games and "get your ex back" but to reflect and think clearly.

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Thanks man.

 

I haven't texted her back. It is taking absolutely everything I have not to just write, "I miss you too. How could I not? I hope you are well too. How could I not?"

 

But it is possible I am not thinking clearly.

 

It is hard as hell not texting her. Partially because we broke up once before, and then we reconciled. I am having all of those, if only we had moved in together, if only this, if only that, sort of thoughts.

 

There is an image of her in my mind that is just her wanting to do all of those things she said she wanted to do, have a baby, the whole nine yards.

 

I know this is common way to think, and I realize it is probably deluded. I just can't shake it.

 

It so freaking hard not replying.

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I also for the life of me cannot figure out why I can't seem to see how this is the right thing. We BOTH knew we had to end it. I had been thinking that for quite some time and struggling with how we were going to do it.

 

I want to write, "I miss you too. But it is time for me to focus on myself also. Don't take my silence the wrong way. I wish you happiness."

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I also for the life of me cannot figure out why I can't seem to see how this is the right thing. We BOTH knew we had to end it. I had been thinking that for quite some time and struggling with how we were going to do it.

 

I want to write, "I miss you too. But it is time for me to focus on myself also. Don't take my silence the wrong way. I wish you happiness."

 

At some point you'll need to trust that she already knows this stuff. Meanwhile, it's all just searching for things to say with the hope that saying them will change the outcome or lessen your grief. Neither are the case--the words are irrelevant, and plots to send them are just knee-jerk responses to your discomfort.

 

Try setting a goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this. If you need the mental tool of deciding to do it to prevent your loved ones from worrying about you, then that's a valid motivator. Consider interacting with your friends and family for this reason, making the time you spend with them about them, not you. Help them with household chores or projects or treat them to meals or events to create great memories for them at a time when you're not feeling capable of enjoying much yourself. It will comfort them about you, and it will help to normalize and ground you in time spent caring about others rather than ruminating.

 

Give yourself limits, like 10 minutes a day, to spin and boo-hood with a tissue box, but then move your focus onto commitments you've made for that day to help someone else. You can't imagine what this will do for you, because it needs to be experienced rather than thought about.

 

Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. If you wait until you 'feel like' helping your loved ones, you'll just keep spinning yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

Our degree of suffering does not represent the value of the relationship, it represents the degree to which we choose to suffer. Consider making a better choice, and you'll allow your grief to work itself into appropriate moments while still moving yourself forward to toward healing.

 

This is not a 'get over it' statement, it's a practical means of balancing your grief with beneficial action and eventually inspiring moments of building better bonds with the people in your life. Focus on that, and you will thank yourself later for the enlightenment that it will buy you.

 

Head high.

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You are a wise person, Catfeeder.

 

I have been through this stuff before. I do know you are right. I spent a lot of time writing in here, but the one thing that did do is prevent me from contacting her.

 

And you're right. She should already know that stuff. Deep down, I'm sure she does.

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Ew. No, leave her alone and stop reading those "get your ex back" scam sites. This letter writing they suggest replete with the almost verbatim wording you are using is horrible advice. This letter is so transparent and means: "Ill be waiting by the phone licking my wounds until you contact me". You don't wish her happiness so why put that bs in there.

I want to write, "I miss you too. But it is time for me to focus on myself also. Don't take my silence the wrong way. I wish you happiness."
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Ew. No, leave her alone and stop reading those "get your ex back" scam sites. This letter writing they suggest replete with the almost verbatim wording you are using is horrible advice. This letter is so transparent and means: "Ill be waiting by the phone licking my wounds until you contact me". You don't wish her happiness so why put that bs in there.

 

Yeah. You're spot on. I have been reading those sites, and of course I KNOW they are scams. I didn't end up texting her back. I won't.

 

But I am battling through some very real anxiety over it.

 

I think I am starting to realize where the anxiety comes from, even if I can't seem to stave it off. It is coming from exactly what you are suggesting, this idea that there is something I can do to fix this.

 

And not replying to her message amplifies that feeling, because when she wrote, "I miss you," what I heard was what I wanted to hear, some kind of pathetic morsel of hope.

 

She always said I was too cool, even "cold" sometimes, and I know why. During our last face to face conversation, she said, "I've never even seen you cry."

 

So there's this urge now to show her that I do feel this deeply. I am sure she thinks I'm more or less fine. I think that is *part* of what caused us to break up.

 

But not all of it.

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I think I am starting to realize where the anxiety comes from, even if I can't seem to stave it off. It is coming from exactly what you are suggesting, this idea that there is something I can do to fix this.

 

Play that out. What if you were able to send some magic words that 'fixed' the breakup, where would that lead you? Back into the same relationship you felt was wrong for you in the first place. So what good would 'fixing' do?

 

What if you could wave a magic wand and transform both of you into a brand new relationship where you had both grown into two distinctly different individuals who wanted to try again based on your more mature level of growth and development? What if this afforded you both better communication skills that could right the wrongs you both lived with before?

 

THAT fantasy is the one to focus on now, because the only thing that CAN transport you into the future is t.i.m.e., and the only actions that can acquire you the maturity and development to be able to handle such a brand new context for reconciliation is your movement toward your own higher ground today.

 

Your current place of anxiety and rumination is a waste of your focus. You could, instead, be throwing your focus into cultivating new interests, new bonds with friends and family, new exploration of hidden talents, new development of life skills such as confidence in your resilience and an ability to master communication, negotiation and relaxation techniques that will serve you in all areas of your life.

 

So there's this urge now to show her that I do feel this deeply. I am sure she thinks I'm more or less fine. I think that is *part* of what caused us to break up.

But not all of it.

 

Challenge yourself again to come up with practical answers as to what showing her how deeply you can feel would accomplish? Even if in the unlikely event that it reversed her desire to break up, where would that lead you?

 

Keep moving your mind beyond the fantasy 'fix' instead of leaving yourself there. Then answer where such a fix would lead you--and whether or not that would really be desirable beyond the immediate euphoria of getting to say, "I won! I fixed this and got her back!" Wul, so what--you were unhappy in the relationship before this happened, so what, exactly would that buy you?

 

Consider how her breakup has spared you from being the one who needs to do it. Then ask yourself why you'd want to fix this to reposition both of you into opposite roles where YOU become the one who's unhappy enough to need to say, "Just a drill, I don't really want you back--I just loved the 'idea' of 'getting' you back. Now I'm done..."

 

Think.

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