Doesn’t want a relationship

My ex boyfriend and I were together for a year, we met in university halls and currently live together because of that. We are very close but a month ago he started to feel distant and we broke up. He said he was confused about how he was feeling and didn’t think he wanted to be in a relationship anymore, with anyone not just me. He has told me he still loves me and there was nothing wrong with our relationship but that he just wants to be alone for a while. He is a very social person but has started shutting himself away from everyone, his friends and me included. He has told me I’m his best friend and doesn’t want to lose me, he still wants to be best friends. Over the past couple of days we have been talking more and he seemed to be getting more back to himself, however when I tried to talk about the subject of us he told me right now he feels comfortable as friends and still doesn’t know what he wants. I believe that this is a real reason and not just an excuse- he compared not knowing what he wants to choosing what to eat, sometimes you know you want to eat something but can’t figure out what it is. I love him very much and I’ve never seen a future (getting married and having children) with anyone until him. I have quite bad anxiety but it all goes away when I see him, even now. I know I shouldn’t base all of my happiness on one person but he is the only person that can take it all away. I am happy to just be able to see him and spend time with him even without the relationship, but it isn’t enough. I miss him so much and want to be with him but that’s not what he wants. He will be moving back home after we finish this year of Uni and I’m scared I will lose him forever. Each day is different- some I feel positive and some I just feel awful. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never loved someone so much and can really see a future with him. I don’t want to let him go but should I or do I keep waiting even though he might never come back? Many people have told me to move on but I can’t, I want my future to have him in it.

Why are you giving him the benefit of friendship, when he broke up? You are only making it easier for him to move onto someone else. He is done, but using you for support and an ego boost. You need to stop contact, with the exception of a hello in the hallway.

I think that it is disturbing that you base your happiness on him. This should come from you. This is not healthy.

If your anxiety is this bad, then you should seek counseling.

He does not want a future with you. This is what you need to focus on.

Lastly, do not ever wait for someone to chose you. You deserve better than this!

He's gone. It's better to consider him gone completely. You're hurt and confused now but this will pass a lot better and quicker if you're more realistic that it's over. He doesn't sound like a keeper, to be honest.

I have quite bad anxiety but it all goes away when I see him, even now. I know I shouldn’t base all of my happiness on one person but he is the only person that can take it all away. I am happy to just be able to see him and spend time with him even without the relationship, but it isn’t enough.

 

I miss him so much and want to be with him but that’s not what he wants. He will be moving back home after we finish this year of Uni and I’m scared I will lose him forever. Each day is different- some I feel positive and some I just feel awful.

 

I don’t know what to do. I’ve never loved someone so much and can really see a future with him. I don’t want to let him go but should I or do I keep waiting even though he might never come back? Many people have told me to move on but I can’t, I want my future to have him in it.

It sound like you are really hurting and it's understandable. It's only been a month after the break up, the pain is raw and you two have been continuing contact, reopening the wound for you each time probably.

Right now you need to focus on yourself, read the words above in bold. Read them over and look at how you sound right now: hurt, desperate, high anxiety... that, is what you need to get under control. You need to stop talking to him while you heal. If you feel like the emotions overwhelm you, then seek some counseling, as you are still in school and must focus on your studies.

He is not yours to fix and he already told you he doesn't know what he wants, believe me, someone who loves you truly wouldn't tell you that. So let him figure his life out and you figure yours.

All the best

Sorry you're going through a breakup. The first step to getting over a break up is to accept that its over. You've yet to do that.

Each day is different- some I feel positive and some I just feel awful. I don’t know what to do.

It will hurt for awhile but it will be less painful then this anxiety and angst he is putting you through by being in your life in the demoted state of "just friend."

1. Accept

2. Zero contact

3. Morn

4. Time is on your side and what you do with that time (keep busy with friends and hobbies and school) will get you to the next stage ...

5. Indifference

Good luck and feel better soon.

You may have seen a future with him but he doesn't see a future with you and it takes two to tango. You have broken up. You should try to move on as you have been advised. This guy is not the one for you or you two would still be together. He chose to let you go and that speaks volumes. He clearly doesn't see spending his future with you. Staying his friend is a demotion that only benefits him, while it will keep you stuck in the past, let you harbor false hope and delay your healing. Dumpers try to do this all the time because it lessens their guilt, and keeps their options open while they are looking for a replacement. Do yourself a favour and cut this guy off. At this point the only thing he will do is keep you around as plan b until he finds your replacement.

 

...he compared not knowing what he wants to choosing what to eat, sometimes you know you want to eat something but can’t figure out what it is.

Yeah that happens to me too sometimes, however comparing not knowing what you want to eat to not knowing what you want with the person you've been dating for a year are two entirely different things.

To make the comparison at all is rather ludicrous.

Me thinks he's got some serious issues, I wouldn't count on him ever knowing what he wants with you, and if on the off chance he did think he wanted a commitment at some point in time, expect him to freak himself out and change his mind.

I know you want a future with him, but life sometimes means giving up what you want in the short term, to make way for what's right and best for you in the long term.

Given how indecisive he is, it's not him, I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, OP, the choice to let him go has already been made for you: he let himself go.

It really hurts, I know, and I sympathize. It plain sucks. However, he has decided he wants to be alone more than he wants to be with you. That isn't someone you can reasonably expect to be in your future, particularly if he's going to be moving away.

You are going to need to separate yourself from him and get used to this new phase of your life. It won't be easy, but it will be a lot harder to continue to hang out with him and get your hopes up only to have him turn around and say goodbye when school finishes.

Although it's a difficult pill to swallow, the bottom line is if he truly wanted to be with you, he'd never take the risk of losing you.

At any rate, being his "friend" is selling yourself short, while he gradually walks away. Easier said than done, but maintaining your self respect is the first step towards healing. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

He said he was confused about how he was feeling and didn’t think he wanted to be in a relationship anymore, with anyone not just me.

The best way to 'help' anyone who's confused about you is to move out, fly off of their radar, and remove all confusion about where YOU stand with your own value.

Lingering around the periphery of someone else's life only confirms for that person that they definitely don't want to be with you. Nobody can love anyone they don't respect, and by demonstrating that you don't respect your Self, you remove all doubt about his ability to respect you, either.

I'd reach for my own best dignity and let the guy learn what it's like to not have you in his life. From there, you can trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet again on higher ground someday. However, you'll both need to grow to that place on your own, and that's your percentage play. You'll either invest in your own healing to reach the ground that shows you how to view the guy through a higher perspective, OR, you'll have healed yourself into a better place to deal with the guy if he ever wants to reconcile.

Either way, you'll be able to trust that if the guy ever wants a reconciliation, the idea came from him, not from your influence or guilting him into it. That's really the only way you can be happy with him, because anything less would only be temporary, and you'd both know that.

Head high, and respect yourself. You'll thank yourself later.