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Thread: No feelings for him anymore

  1. #1

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    No feelings for him anymore

    I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years. We dated for about 4 years prior to getting married. I started dating him when I was 20, and he was my first serious relationship. He is 8 years older than me. Ever since we got married, I started feeling nothing sexually for him. He always wants to have sex and I never do. It is a burden for me. At first I thought it was a personal problem with my hormones or something. But recently I have had many sexual feelings towards someone else, feelings I never have with my husband. My husband is also very immature and selfish. He never validates my opinions and is very hard to talk to if I voice a problem with our relationship. He is an attorney and tries to be one during our conversations. Haha. He always makes me feel bad for the feelings I have and somehow always makes me feel like the guilty one when I am unhappy about something. He likes to play the martyr. I recently have fallen for someone else. I never thought this could happen because I was married and thought I was pretty happy. But I can't get this other guy out of my mind, and he feels the same about me too. I don't know what to do. I care about my husband and I don't want to hurt him, but I am just worried I will never fall in love with him again. If I truly loved him, I wouldn't spend all of my time wanting to be with someone else. How do I start to have discussions with my husband about this? He will make me feel horrible about this and I will ruin his life. I am so confused

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is this an arranged marriage? Right now you have the security blanket of marriage but want the adventure of this other guy. Very common set up for cheating.

  3. #3

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    Not an arranged marriage. I think the thoughts of cheating come from my husband not being a good partner and not respecting me.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You can't continue another relationship(emotional relationship) with another man and attempt to fix things with your husband as well. This is not realistic.

    I'd suggest you cut ties with this other third party and stop communicating with him if you feel you want to work things out in your marriage. My personal opinion is that you made a promise and it was done willingly. If you simply walk out of your marriage now you'll regret it without even trying to salvage what's left or trying to fix anything. If this other man wasn't in the picture I'd happily tell you to re-evaluate your marriage and be honest with your husband that you are planning to leave. The fact that this other man is in the picture makes me believe that your thoughts and emotions are heavily clouded. Get all those clouds away before you make any decisions.

    I'm also leery of another person who would have the gall to come between a married couple. You should be careful about the company you keep and be more careful about this other person. I don't feel he has your best interests at heart especially if he is aware how confused and frustrated you are. Someone with more sense and respect for you or even a general respect for the idea of commitment and marriage would step aside or give you plenty of room, or he wouldn't even be in the picture. I think he's bad company overall.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    I believe that you hold resentment for him, even before you got married.

    If after such a short time being married you feel this way, then there are deeper issues than what you have described.

    I would recommend you two go to counseling together so you can express how he makes you feel in a safe environment. You said you've fallen for someone else, that tells me you are already acting on your feelings. Please think twice before you cheat on your husband, as that is the worst thing you could do

  7. #6
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jj1132
    Not an arranged marriage. I think the thoughts of cheating come from my husband not being a good partner and not respecting me.
    Because youíre clouded right now with someone else, you canít really make an unbiased conclusion

    Chicken or egg, impossible for you to know unless you remove the other man from the equation and have a serious discussion with your husband.

    Iím not saying youíre wrong or that your feelings arenít legitimate what Iím saying is you see the greener grass on the other side which is making you more eager to jump as another poster stated youíve got your safety net so you get to monkey branch.

    What you should do if you truly care about this other guy, end the affair, handle the unfinished business in your marriage. if you choose divorce allow time to recover emotionally, THEN date this other guy. If you donít this new relationship has an incredibly high probability of failure. If you donít care, then thatís a huge sign of you wanting this because itís exciting and new and not love.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Your husband is a control freak, that's why he can't communicate with you, and does not respect you. You need to get him to counseling. A control freak is okay at work, but not with the spouse.

    Perhaps then the love can be rebuilt, if it's not too far gone. But, it sounds like it might be?

    Another possibility is, some women are not ready to love until they are 26 - 27.

    At any rate, counseling is probably the only way to save the marriage, as he has a narcissistic disorder. Tough love does not work on crazy people.

    Otherwise, you are probably looking at divorce. Then you can find someone you truly love.

    By the way - how much involved are you with the other man?

  9. #8
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    Why did you marry him if he is like this? Certainly, you knew who he was.

    Get some couples counseling. And, stop communicating with the other guy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    But I can't get this other guy out of my mind, and he feels the same about me too.
    You're far too vague for me to make any character assumptions about your husband. I don't know what you're complaining to him and telling him you're unhappy about. But that you'd get this far with another man at the very least would put you two on equal footing, not to mention it being a display of immaturity which makes it difficult to take the account of your marriage at face value. Put on your big girl pants and either address your marriage issues or put in the paperwork.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jj1132
    Not an arranged marriage. I think the thoughts of cheating come from my husband not being a good partner and not respecting me.
    And I think that you thought of cheating because you have allowed yourself to breakdown romantic relationship boundaries and become vulnerable to the man you are fantasizing being in bed with.

    I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years. We dated for about 4 years prior to getting married.
    Surely you must have known that you didn't love your husband, nor have sexual feelings for him and had noticed that he was immature BEFORE you married him since you dated him for so long. Or: Did you only notice how unhappy you were once you had happy pants for this other guy?

    If you did notice all those negative things about him before you married him they why on earth did you go ahead with such a commitment with him?

    If you are going to dump your husband then do it because of the reasons you state here and not because you have some immature crush on a d-bag that would pursue you when he knew you were married. He's lacking good character and you're clearly not ready to be committing again until you have grown in emotional maturity and forms strong romantic relationship boundaries.

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