Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 18 of 18

Thread: No feelings for him anymore

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    1,921
    Welcome to the human race. Did you think you're the first woman to get turned on by another man? Well, you're not. Just don't try to make it out to mean something other than lust. it's a bit early to rewrite your marriage at this point.

    This new guy is a whack fantasy. Your husband? Apparently the ogre in the fantasy.

    Stop interacting with a guy willing to intrude on a marriage.

    Try to reconnect with your husband or leave, your choice. But don't cheat. it muddies the waters and removes you from having a moral standing in your life.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,439
    Gender
    Female
    If you don't have children do not have them unless you resolve your marital problems. It would also be wise to break up all communication with this new person. It is safe to say that anyone who is ok with breaking up a marriage is a very low quality individual. As long as you talk to this other man your GIGS will cloud your judgment and you will never give your marriage a proper chance.

    Having said that, I did wonder whether your husband used your age gap to take advantage of your relationship inexperience to his advantage all these years. When you two met he was definitely at an advantage age-wise and it might be that he has been using this to manipulate you. Only you know whether this is the case or it's a case of you going through GIGS. Marriage is a commitment one should try to honor and couples counselling is probably warranted at this point. Either way, my advice would be to loose the third person. Your husband may indeed be in the wrong but this new person is not the solution nor a good prospect. Anyone who is willing ro help you cheat is nobody special.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    21,804
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    This new guy is a whack fantasy. Your husband? Apparently the ogre in the fantasy.
    True, nothing villainizes a spouse like a crush on someone else.

    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    Stop interacting with a guy willing to intrude on a marriage.
    Yep, it positions you badly in 3 ways: it clouds your ability to deal with husband at face value in order to learn whether your marriage is worth saving, it sets you up to idolize someone who puts his own immediate gratification above respect for the institution of marriage (which means that all marriages are an open playing field for him, so you could never trust him not to pursue affairs with other married women), and lastly, it sets both new guy and YOURSELF up to witness your capacity for disloyalty to a partner (which means that you'd forever regard yourself as untrustworthy, and he'd never be able to trust you, either--so it's all down hill from there.)

    I'd skip that, and I'd put my focus on learning what I want to do with my marriage in it's own context, without contamination.

    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    Try to reconnect with your husband or leave, your choice. But don't cheat. it muddies the waters and removes you from having a moral standing in your life.
    Always finish old business before pursuing new, and you'll thank yourself later for the solid foundation that this buys you. While the term 'moral standing' above sounds like some vague moralistic finger wag, it's not--it's practical. Think about what it would do to your head if you demonstrate to your SELF that you cannot trust your own word.

    Our word is the only 'real' thing that we can control. If we send ourselves the message that our word means nothing, we're sunk.

    Don't do that to yourself. Operate, at very least, in ways that you can view as honest later. This doesn't mean you must uphold some extremely high bar that precludes you from ending a marriage if you're unhappy in it. It only means that you don't pull your own foundation out from underneath yourself by trying to justify becoming untrustworthy. If you go there, you will never be able to trust another person again, because you'll null your own ability to trust your own judgment. You'll assign an unconscious unworthiness to yourself that changes how you'll view the world and how you'll operate in it. This can drill you into a deeper hole to climb out of that can be unrecoverable.

    Skip that, keep your ethical rudder in tact, and you WILL thank yourself later, regardless of outcomes.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    55
    Posts
    7,779
    Gender
    Male
    Oh how many times have we all read how horrible a spouse is in the first few sentences and then poof! the other man/woman is mentioned.

    At the least you are emotionally cheating and from what I read you are employing classic cheater tactics by blaming your husband. If he wasn't like he is you wouldn't be cheating is your defense but cheating is all on you so own it. You are cheating.

    If you were that unhappy then why didn't you do something BEFORE the new guy came into the picture? Also like has been mentioned he is no catch if he is willing to help a married woman cheat. I am sure you have told him all kinds of stories about how unhappy you are and that the marriage was a mistake and is basically over but at the end of the day you are still married, your husband has no clue you want to divorce him and there has been no filing of divorce papers.

    Tell your bf that he needs to take a hike so you can work out your own life and do things right and respectful to everyone involved. Tell your husband you want a divorce, wait until it is final, get your life going the way you would like it to be as a single person and THEN start dating. If you still think this guy is all that then give him a call. Be warned though, there are tons of people out there willing to fool around with a married person but once it gets real they disappear. When you are married he gets the fun and sex and your husband gets all the responsibility.

    Do the right thing
    Lost

  5.  

  6. #15
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Posts
    605
    Gender
    Male
    jimthzz and lostandhurt have good posts.

    It's been 10 years since my ex cheated on me, and it still hurts. If she instead divorced me, AND THEN found another guy I would not have had to go through the worst pain I have ever experienced.
    Betrayal digs very deep wounds for your spouse.

    Be honest with your husband and make choices that all people involved can handle.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,828
    Gender
    Male
    Amazing that the "spouse doesn't understand me" gimmick is still around.
    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Oh how many times have we all read how horrible a spouse is in the first few sentences and then poof! the other man/woman is mentioned.

  8. #17
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Location
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Age
    39
    Posts
    7
    Gender
    Male
    It sounds like the absence of a true marriage, and what you want it to be, is the reason why you have feelings for someone else.

    It can be replaced with the feelings that you want with your own marriage, but you would need to let go of the other person and the feelings associated with it.

    Have you considered some kind of professional help to establish your current situation, where you want to be and how to get there?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    55
    Posts
    7,779
    Gender
    Male
    Isn't strange how someone looses all the feelings they have for their spouse AFTER they start cheating on them???

    Step one. Stop all contact with this guy you are having the emotional affair with.
    Step two. Find out how to start the divorce proceedings where you live.
    Step three. Since he is an attorney you will need one as well unless he agrees to mediation.
    Step four. File for divorce and work on it actively until it is final.
    Step five. Make a life for yourself as a single person with no romantic entanglements.
    Step six. Once you have been single for at least six months to a year consider dating. If this guy you are having the affair with is still around see where it goes.

    Don't swing from one branch to another just because the limb you are on is messed up, you have no idea what the limb you are about to grab is like since your view is skewed.

    Do the right thing. Stop cheating and get a divorce so you and your future ex husband can find happiness with someone else.

    Lost

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •