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Why is my girl acting distant?


Muhzara

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I was with this girl for 7 years and we broke up about 2 and a half months ago due to alot of fighting and me not showing enough affection. We recently started dating again (not official) and seemed to be going good for the first week or so. I started showing alot of affection, she was loving it, no arguments or anger. But now she seems like she isnt showing much affection the past few days. She tells me that she wants this to work and still wants to go do things together but shows mixed signals aswell. We also live together and have a 3 year old daughter, so things were pretty complicated. Is this just a phase because we recently started trying to work this out? Maybe i am over thinking the whole thing?

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I have tried. She told me she wanted to take things slow but then says that were pretty much together just not "official" yet; Tells me not to stress about it. But then acts distant. Very confusing.

 

I don't blame you for being confused! That is very confusing. I don't think she's being entirely fair to you or she still distrusts you. Why were you fighting so much? (what was it about)

 

In order to feel invested and work through trust and commitment issues, there has to be mutual agreement to try your best for each other and work towards a shared goal: better trust, better commitment, better openness/communication. You're both going around in the same cycle of distrust. And that distrust breeds more distrust.

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If you live together and have a child in common you haven't "broken up", you're not highschoolers who are just dating.. She simply pulled way back because she is angry and wants change. Until she sees the changes she has wanted (and you know what they are...think...commitment? You helping out more?) you will get the cold shoulder.

We also live together and have a 3 year old daughter.
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The fights were about meaningless everyday things. It had gotten to the point where we associated each other with anger and neglect. I made her feel insecure, but she also made me feel like I wasnt appreciated for anything that I would do for her.

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The fights were about meaningless everyday things. It had gotten to the point where we associated each other with anger and neglect. I made her feel insecure, but she also made me feel like I wasnt appreciated for anything that I would do for her.

 

Neglect is a tricky word. Individuals do need to feel secure in themselves before they enter relationships. Self-confidence cannot be replaced by love. Sorry, that's just not how it works. If she's looking for validation from you for anything, that's not acceptable. A secure relationship is usually built on trust from the first day. If there's no foundation of trust, the relationship is built like a house of cards. The act of building trust in a relationship should be effortless and quite subtle. Normally this happens naturally in relationships over time! People genuinely want to trust and be trusted in relationships. If you've betrayed that trust at any time, you'll both have to learn how to recover that depending on how severely that trust was broken.

 

Long story short, she shouldn't be depending on you to fill any voids of self-confidence and trust should be inherent to the relationship and intact. If it's been broken, find ways to communicate and trust again. The specifics of these might be better worked out in couples counselling especially if you don't feel comfortable talking about it here on a forum.

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It sounds like her love level is dangerously low. Tell me about the affection problem, what where you doing? Refusing her advances?

 

You need to act quickly if the love is to be rebuilt. It may be past the point of no return, I'm not sure.

 

Counseling is a good recommendation too.

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Tell me about the affection problem, what where you doing? Refusing her advances?

 

It wasnt so much refusing her advances but more so not showing love. Not asking about each others day. Not being happy to see her after a day at work, and not really showing much interest because it was so difficult to show affection and love when I myself wasnt happy. Dont get me wrong, I've always loved her the same and I never wanted to lose her, but I didnt show my love for her as much as I should have.

 

It has been definitely different now and I am doing everything I possibly can to make her feel loved, happy and respected. At first she was showing the love back and it seemed to be going good again but suddenly seemed to pull back the past 3 days. Maybe give her some space to sort things out?

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I read somewhere that it's pretty common for the neglected partner to react in anger when they finally get what they want. So instead of it all being amazing as soon as you start asking about her day, she still holds resentment and maybe thinks along the lines of "Why couldn't you have done this sooner.." etc. I wish I'd remember where I read this, but I'd stick to the positive changes regardless, if you want this to work and rebuild her trust.

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She's back, she likes the security of home and family BUT she's disconnected from you emotionally. She's trying hard to get that back...it's just not happening. Now she's pulled back, because she's in decision mode....either to stay or leave.

 

So at this point is it best to just let her sort her thoughts out and not confront her on anything? Regardless of what happens I am determined to better myself for me.

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I know from experience when your partner believes they have lost feelings of love for you, they like to justify why. Find some plausible reason why their love died.

 

In your case, she claimed you didn't show her enough attention or affections, essentially blaming you for why she fell out of love.

 

Versus just owning that she's outgrown you and your relationship and fell out of love, if she ever was in love in the first place. The RL died a natural death. Wish you well and move on.

 

Anyway, you got back together, thinking her reasoning was legit and started showing her the affection she claimed you didn't show before.

 

Except, NOW she's probably realizing it wasn't what she thought after all, and is back to becoming distant.

 

My advice would be to set her free, and set yourself free from this merry-go-round she's got you on.

 

You've grown apart, she does not feel you're a good fit anymore, has fallen out of love, it happens!

 

I am sorry.

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It wasnt so much refusing her advances but more so not showing love. Not asking about each others day. Not being happy to see her after a day at work, and not really showing much interest because it was so difficult to show affection and love when I myself wasnt happy. Dont get me wrong, I've always loved her the same and I never wanted to lose her, but I didnt show my love for her as much as I should have.

 

It has been definitely different now and I am doing everything I possibly can to make her feel loved, happy and respected. At first she was showing the love back and it seemed to be going good again but suddenly seemed to pull back the past 3 days. Maybe give her some space to sort things out?

 

 

 

She has to feel your changes are genuine and long term. She won't believe they will stick if she thinks you are just making the changes because you think she's going to leave.

 

At the same time, try to avoid being needy. Not saying that you are. Focus on improving yourself and your own happiness. People enjoy being around others who are happy.

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I read somewhere that it's pretty common for the neglected partner to react in anger when they finally get what they want.

 

 

John Gray wrote this in one of his books, I recall reading it too.

 

Strange phenomenon but, being a therapist, he's witnessed it among patients, so there must be some validity to it.

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No one is affectionate 24/7. Don't take the temperature of the relationship minute by minute, like some posters that take a few minutes of silence on a long car ride as someone "growing distant". Do what you can -- date nights, regardless of the level of affection she shows that day. Be consistent. Having a three year old is no joke - 3 year olds wear people out and its enough to make her feel like she doesn't want one more person to touch her after the 3 year old hangs off of her or has a 3 year old meltdown. And by the way, doing a chore she normally does without being asked, cleaning up after dinner - is highly sexy.

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So at this point is it best to just let her sort her thoughts out and not confront her on anything? Regardless of what happens I am determined to better myself for me.

 

Its best to not "confront" or keep score, but to be present, an active listener, and attentive and consistent. Even if you do a 180 she may be very reluctant to open up again fearing your changes won't last. Like i say, go on date nights regardless if she wants to have sex or what her performance is in the affection department that day. If whenever you are doing thoughtful things it always is a ploy to get sex or a reward for sex, this will backfire. Get a babysitter. If she is at the end of her rope get the kid, watch the kid yourself so she can have a few minutes of peace to go to an appointment or have coffee with a girlfriend.

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also, 7 years and a kid and no marriage proposal - i would be reevaluating to. Its one thing if both of you decided against marriage with her leading, but if she isn't wife material after all that, I'd want to find a guy who is quite taken by me rather than a guy who i might live with because he feels its his duty

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Thanks for the advice everyone! It seems to be getting better. Date night helps, things have been getting increasingly better the past couple days and I think the home life with the little one has been a big part of the negative vibes I've been feeling from her.

 

There has been more communication and although it hasnt been very long, It's starting to feel like it did when we first started dating.

 

Also the prolonged marriage proposal was more of a financial problem. We agreed to wait until we both found it fit.

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