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Thread: Why is my girl acting distant?

  1. #1
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    Why is my girl acting distant?

    I was with this girl for 7 years and we broke up about 2 and a half months ago due to alot of fighting and me not showing enough affection. We recently started dating again (not official) and seemed to be going good for the first week or so. I started showing alot of affection, she was loving it, no arguments or anger. But now she seems like she isnt showing much affection the past few days. She tells me that she wants this to work and still wants to go do things together but shows mixed signals aswell. We also live together and have a 3 year old daughter, so things were pretty complicated. Is this just a phase because we recently started trying to work this out? Maybe i am over thinking the whole thing?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Have you talked to her about this? That's where you start!

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    I have tried. She told me she wanted to take things slow but then says that were pretty much together just not "official" yet; Tells me not to stress about it. But then acts distant. Very confusing.

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    You need couples counseling, or you will repeat the same issues.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Muhzara
    I have tried. She told me she wanted to take things slow but then says that were pretty much together just not "official" yet; Tells me not to stress about it. But then acts distant. Very confusing.
    I don't blame you for being confused! That is very confusing. I don't think she's being entirely fair to you or she still distrusts you. Why were you fighting so much? (what was it about)

    In order to feel invested and work through trust and commitment issues, there has to be mutual agreement to try your best for each other and work towards a shared goal: better trust, better commitment, better openness/communication. You're both going around in the same cycle of distrust. And that distrust breeds more distrust.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you live together and have a child in common you haven't "broken up", you're not highschoolers who are just dating.. She simply pulled way back because she is angry and wants change. Until she sees the changes she has wanted (and you know what they are...think...commitment? You helping out more?) you will get the cold shoulder.
    Originally Posted by Muhzara
    We also live together and have a 3 year old daughter.

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    The fights were about meaningless everyday things. It had gotten to the point where we associated each other with anger and neglect. I made her feel insecure, but she also made me feel like I wasnt appreciated for anything that I would do for her.

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    I understand. This is the change I am working towards on my end and I guess time and actions will show.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Muhzara
    The fights were about meaningless everyday things. It had gotten to the point where we associated each other with anger and neglect. I made her feel insecure, but she also made me feel like I wasnt appreciated for anything that I would do for her.
    Neglect is a tricky word. Individuals do need to feel secure in themselves before they enter relationships. Self-confidence cannot be replaced by love. Sorry, that's just not how it works. If she's looking for validation from you for anything, that's not acceptable. A secure relationship is usually built on trust from the first day. If there's no foundation of trust, the relationship is built like a house of cards. The act of building trust in a relationship should be effortless and quite subtle. Normally this happens naturally in relationships over time! People genuinely want to trust and be trusted in relationships. If you've betrayed that trust at any time, you'll both have to learn how to recover that depending on how severely that trust was broken.

    Long story short, she shouldn't be depending on you to fill any voids of self-confidence and trust should be inherent to the relationship and intact. If it's been broken, find ways to communicate and trust again. The specifics of these might be better worked out in couples counselling especially if you don't feel comfortable talking about it here on a forum.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It sounds like her love level is dangerously low. Tell me about the affection problem, what where you doing? Refusing her advances?

    You need to act quickly if the love is to be rebuilt. It may be past the point of no return, I'm not sure.

    Counseling is a good recommendation too.

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