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GF is giving me the silent treatment and idk that I'll hear back from her


safehead

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my gf and I have been together for a few years. her car got sideswiped a few weeks ago. At fault driver left info. Gf took the car into a bodyshop, the estimate for repairs is $20k+. At fault driver's insurance won't cover cost of repair, because car is only valued at 3k-6k. She loves this car, asks me what she should do. I never been in the situation, do a quick google search, tell her they will probably only pay out the value of the car, or she can sue the at-fault driver and potentially get a little more than the value of car through a settlement or court decision. She throws a fit, saying they need to pay all $20k in repairs, it's not fair, if insurance won't cover, then she'll make the at fault driver figure out how to restore the car. I tell her it doesn't work that way, maybe get her own insurance involved if she has collateral, so she gets a pay out from the other party and some money from her own insurance to help with repair costs. Find a used car door somewhere and maybe research other places for a lower repair estimate or just replace the car. She say's "it's not fair, that's how it is huh?" I say "yeah, just call your insurance see of they can help" she hangs up. It been 6 days since we discussed that, she hasn't texted me or called me or done anything to let me know what she's doing. I called her once the night after we talked to see if she was all right because she wouldn't respond to my texts, but she was at her moms house and was pretty ambivalent about talking, i asked her if she was mad at me and she just says "idk." I say, "ok have safe night and hang up". 6 days and i haven't heard anything from her. Just waiting for her to come around. I really don't know what she'll have to say when/if she comes back and Idk what I'm going to say.

 

Within the past 6 months I've been going through the motions with the relationship. Part of that is because I have school in fall and spring. We live 45 mins apart, but I work close to her. both of us have full time jobs. we typically spend one day of the week together. when I don't have school I'll bring her over to my home for a night if we both work late the next day. She's always wanting to be around me. I'm more introverted so the distance has been working in my favor. I love doing recreational stuff with her or just laying around together doing nothing, but more serious life stuff, like the situation above is really hard to overcome together. With more serious stuff like health, money, and work problems, she'll take my advice if the issue is purely logistical, but she's been doing a lot of that on her own now, so it comes up less and less. If the problems are more personal or value based, it's really hard to offer help because if she doesn't like my input she reads its like an attack on her. It makes it hard to be honest with her and it gets to me, so I try my best not to offer too much insight if I can identify those situations, but she senses my growing resentment. The car stuff is probably the last straw in her eyes. years ago when we first started dating, she had a fling with her ex, confessed it to me. I forgave her and tried my best to let it go, but I think she may think my resentment stems from that which is why she's so bothered when she senses I'm feeling down. I just feel so alone at times. I'm not sure how I can navigate life with her, and tbf I'm not the best communicator either, but when I've told her I can't be honest with her in the past she jumped to the conclusion that I must be doing something bad behind her back.

 

I haven't attempted to reach out to her, because I know she wants some apology and I don't feel like should apologize for offering some honest advice when she asked. I feel like she might not come back. idk what to do.

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I can't get past the $20K in repair costs. Are you sure you don't meant $2K? I don't get how a car that is worth 6 thousand can cost 20 thousand to fix. Although admittedly that does not seem to be the gist of the problems between you two

I was thinking the same. Figure maybe she misquoted or the shops ripping her off or maybe the damage is just that bad. The door needs to be replaced and the frame around it was screwed up. The insurance shouldn't be giving her trouble about covering the repair if she misquoted though.

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You're making her sound like a spoiled brat but I'm not sure if that's what's going on. Your second paragraph is rife with trust and communication issues in the relationship. I think it would have helped better if you actually reversed the paragraphs (in terms of order for the reader because the second paragraph is more of a preface or introduction to those problems you're both having).

 

Regarding her accident, I understand some of the emotions she's going through. I've been in two bad car accidents where the other drivers were at fault, one involving a three car collision. She's likely going through a serious spell of anger and helplessness at the situation. In the second accident for me, it took me about three weeks to feel somewhat back to myself about just the thought of driving and not as shaken and terribly angry at the entire situation (it's difficult to get rid of that anger and other emotions). I didn't think I'd ever feel the same driving but eventually I did go back to being myself and found my confidence again on the road and my health returned to normal and I was very lucky. I do still have some resentment towards the last driver who hit me particularly but for the most part I've let go of those tremendously horrible emotions. Mind you, I have always enjoyed driving and for as long as I can remember, driving's been fun and a joy. The accidents changed the way I saw things and it changed my ideas of people as well in general and put a lot of things in perspective for me.

 

Since her accident happened a few weeks ago and she's still giving you the cold shoulder or seems a bit scattered, I'm not so inclined to think that it's the accident that's causing her to act like this towards you. You both don't have enough trust or good communication between the both of you to sustain a solid relationship. That trust seems broken a long while ago. She doesn't feel confident about you and you don't feel entirely confident about her. Unless you both sit down and have that difficult or awkward, long chat or really put your heart and soul (both of you) into your relationship, this isn't going to work. You're both already distancing yourselves from each other. If you don't like her, you don't like her. Be humble about it and be kind to each other. Let each other go.

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Doesn’t make sense.

Generally if the cost to repair a car costs more than half it’s value it is written off and the insurance payout is for the value of the car. In this case 3-6K.

 

Why is your gf even insisting on the 20K?

 

If she had a favourite pair of jeans worth $100 and the zip broke and the quote to fix the zip was $400 , would she pay it?

Or would she just spend $100 on a new pair? Obviously the latter so why expect someone to pay 20K for her 3-6K car?

 

She’s not the brightest spark is she?!

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This has nothing to do with cars or insurance or accidents. Your relationship is a wreck that no amount of money can fix. She and her insurance are the only ones whose business this car is. Is the relationship usually filled with this much nonsense? If so consider that it's just not working. All you can do is see if she contacts you. In the future, learn that women can get even angrier when you "mansplain" particularly with inane and bad advice.

Within the past 6 months I've been going through the motions with the relationship. Part of that is because I have school in fall and spring.

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If the car, title, insurance is in her name and you are not on the policy or title, stay out of it. Clearly she can read and drive a car. Therefore she can contact her insurance herself and figure out what they will/will not cover. Do not get into it with her. Do not give legal advice. Do not give body shop/automotive advice.

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She just wrecked her baby, her car, she is stressed. Stop trying to give her advice and just be there for her - she's intelligent and grown, she can decide what to do. Be her shoulder to lean on and cry on, her rock.

 

What women really want is a friend, not somebody to swoop in and fix everything - she's smart, she does not need that. She's probably smarter than you - she certainly is regarding relationships.

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She just wrecked her baby, her car, she is stressed. Stop trying to give her advice and just be there for her - she's intelligent and grown, she can decide what to do. Be her shoulder to lean on and cry on, her rock.

 

What women really want is a friend, not somebody to swoop in and fix everything - she's smart, she does not need that. She's probably smarter than you - she certainly is regarding relationships.

 

I have to agree with this. What stuck out to me most is how you tend to give advice and it makes her angrier. Most women like to vent when they're feeling troubled or just let out their emotions. It goes a long way to sometimes simply understand and listen. It seems that you hear her complain and want to fix her hurt by offering solutions, but she may want you to simply validate her hurt and give her a hug. Of course it's on her to voice that and not disappear because you haven't read her mind. I just feel that this is the core of the issue.

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This has nothing to do with cars or insurance or accidents. Your relationship is a wreck that no amount of money can fix. She and her insurance are the only ones whose business this car is. Is the relationship usually filled with this much nonsense? If so consider that it's just not working. All you can do is see if she contacts you. In the future, learn that women can get even angrier when you "mansplain" particularly with inane and bad advice.

 

Again, she called and asked me about her situation. I thought the answer was cut and dry stuff. I misinterpreted the question as another logistical thing. It was something more personal, the questions I try to avoid.

 

The car was parked when it was hit, she was not at the scene. The person that did it lives in her neighborhood. When I gave her my answer she said. "value of the car shouldn't matter to insurance! They should pay the cost of the damages!" and she continued to make it sound like if insurance wasn't going to help she would confront that at-fault driver and make them pay it all somehow. I told her to talk to her insurance instead. The at-fault driver's insurance wasn't helping, and neither was I, so I figure hers will be more helpful.

 

The car has sentimental value to her, but it's not rare, or any kind of heirloom.

 

I'd never say she's a brat, just stubborn. Even when things don't get heated we just go around in circles.

 

Another example is this rash she developed on her face 1.5 years ago. At first she thought her make up caused the rash and stopped using the make-up. Rash didn't go away, so she started thinking it was a face wash. Stopped the face wash, and the rash didn't go away. After 6 months of the rash not going away I convinced her to see a doctor, she was very resistant to the idea at first, but she finally agreed to it. They did some bloodwork, but she didn't follow up and she didn't bother renewing her health insurance because she didn't see the point of having health insurance. Within the next 6 months, every time I drove her home, she'd look in the car mirror and talk about the rash saying she was going to stop using some other make up product, or stop eating something, or start a new diet, or start doing some exercise, all in the hopes that something will make the rash go away. In my mind I'm just thinking, "just find a good doctor" but I never said that I just let her try whatever. Eventually she started thinking the rash was caused by all the dust at her workplace, her manager told her if she gets a doctor's note they can exempt her from working around dust. She goes to some crappy place I think her employer refererred her to. She has a spat with the medical staff there, but gets her note, but doesn't want to follow up with them because of the spat.

 

She's away from the dust now, the rash is still there. That negative experience of getting the note makes her think she rather figure out how to make the rash go away all on her own. Again she starts talking about trying different diets, different make-up products, exercises etc. I say the place she got the note from sucked, but I suggest she find a good derm, it's been over a year, nothing's different and the derm can maybe give a definitive answer in a visit or two. It's better than spending all this energy on all this different stuff. She responds by saying she can figure it out on her own.

 

the rash stuff is whatever to me. If she feels okay then that's good enough, but I worry about what may happen if more serious medical stuff arises.

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Is the rash spreading? I'm very familiar with eczema but have it under control. When the skin barriers are compromised(skin is broken), people with eczema or skin issues find it even more difficult to heal especially if she has sensitive skin or allergies.

It started on one cheek. Last I saw it looked like it's creeping up her temple and might be starting on her other cheek too.

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It started on one cheek. Last I saw it looked like it's creeping up her temple and might be starting on her other cheek too.

 

She should see her GP and request for an appointment with a specialist/dermatologist familiar with eczema. Does she have any signs of asthma either or any other forms of inflammation? Poor diet also affects inflammation. If she's able to go straight to a dermatologist without a referral, she should. Either way it's not on you to force her to do anything. Seems like you've already done all you can to support her. I'm sorry but you can't change who she is as a person or the way she takes care of herself.

 

If it is eczema nothing is going to make it go away except knowing her triggers and how to better control her inflammation. I used steroid creams for years before changing my diet completely. I still use steroid (atopic) creams for help with flare ups or during the dry/winter season when my skin breaks or I'm not careful. I nip it in the bud now and overnight the rash clears. My diet helps a lot. I've developed full blown burn like reactions due to hair dyes and make up. The skin is corroded like burn marks but they have healed fine. Eczema can be hereditary also so look back and let the doctor or specialist know if any other members in her family have it. I'm not saying that this is eczema. Let a professional diagnose her but if it is, she needs to take better care. Chronic illness and poor health can dampen relationships overall and put stress on a couple. She owes it to herself to get it checked out and have it controlled.

 

Just my two cents on the health area there. I hope things work out more positively for you both.

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Does she have any signs of asthma either or any other forms of inflammation? Poor diet also affects inflammation.

 

 

She had some lingering cough from a cold awhile back. It took awhile to go away, but it eventually left. Sometimes the rash looks more inflamed and sometimes it looks like it's more subdued. I would like her to go straight to a specialist. Convincing her will be tough. She definitely will resist treatment if it involves medicine too. Too into holistic stuff.. She gets weird about taking over the counter things. Antibiotics are probably out of the question. Still, getting a diagnosis will help. May I ask what type of diet helped you? I know she may not have eczema, but I'm curious. She's been doing a plant based diet for the past 4 years. She says she feels better than ever. I know different diets work differently for different people, and when I tried going plant based I felt so lethargic, I decided I didn't have enough interest or time to figure out how to make it work for me. I wonder if she's doing it well enough that all her nutritional needs are being met. I'm no doctor though and even if I was it probably wouldn't help much.

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Yep. Stop trying to fix her irrational problems. Stop micromanaging her. She wants all this drama not your advice. In fact back out of it and just listen for a bit ( No Advice!!) then change the subject. Let her ruminate about mysterious rashes and mysterious causes and mysterious insurance policies, etc. Not your problem. Do not fix it.

 

If her unrealistic obsessional immature behavior eventually gets to you, consider ending it. Do not play doctor or lawyer with her. Manage your own role in her drama better. Why worry about this mysterious rash if she already consulted doctors and chose to be non-compliant, gyrate around with her crazy theories then cancel her medical insurance? You can not rescue her from her neuroses and craving for nonsense drama. However stop worrying about her car her rash and all the other drama.

She responds by saying she can figure it out on her own.
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You're right in that nobody is going to pay out more than the value of the car. And a dermatologist could diagnose GF's skin condition in seconds--they know their stuff. GF is on a mission to take the long road and the hard way to learn lessons, and while that's frustrating for you, you're already aware that there's no point in right-fighting with her.

 

The more important point is your description of 'going through the motions' with her. This may be an uncomfortable time, but it's likely a good one for you to question whether you're with this woman out of habit, or whether you actually love her as someone you'll wan to build a future with.

 

This self examination can make your experience less about worrying how to cater to her irrationality and more about whether it's really in your own best interests to do so. If you arrive at a conclusion that you're likely to want out of this thing sooner or later, then opting for sooner can mean that her lack of contact becomes irrelevant if not convenient. It's your opportunity to simply BE out of this rather than suffering a need to end it yourself.

 

Such a choice would not mean that you won't grieve, but rather, it affords the softest possible landing with no need to do anything beyond heal. I'd consider making it a goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back to invest in creating a brighter future for yourself than you've considered before now.

 

You may have a silver lining here.

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She doesn’t want you to give advice or to fix her life for her.

 

And it’s not as though you are doing anything wrong OP.... men default to giving advice and trying to fix things, that’s how they are wired.

 

The challenge is that women default to listening and giving (or expecting) emotional support.

 

So there are often clashes when the woman just wants her man to listen and the man just wants to help the woman by giving advice.

 

In your case it would seem you are both frustrated with your communication styles and have reached a tipping point where you either fix them or end the relationship.

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my gf and I have been together for a few years. her car got sideswiped a few weeks ago. At fault driver left info. Gf took the car into a bodyshop, the estimate for repairs is $20k+.

 

Did you actually see the estimate yourself, or is this what she told you?

 

I have never heard of it costing $20,000+ to repair a car that's only worth $3K-6K. This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

 

I mean she could buy a brand new car for that amount!

 

Not to mention the accident will appear on her title, making it much more difficult to sell when she's ready to do so.

 

Really bad idea to fix a car that damaged no matter how you slice it.

 

Re her getting pissed at you, there is something deeper going on here, over and above what you advised her re this accident.

 

My late mom used to say it's not what you say, but how you say it.

 

She may feel the way you speak to her, even though it comes from a good place and you're trying to help, you're trying to dominate/dictate to her or control her.

 

I wasn't there to witness it, but to get so upset at you for something this minor, seems over the type and extreme.

 

There is a deeper resentment happening OP, probably been brewing for awhile.

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Did you actually see the estimate yourself, or is this what she told you?

 

I have never heard of it costing $20,000+ to repair a car that's only worth $3K-6K. This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

 

I mean she could buy a brand new car for that amount!

No, she called me up and told me this. I was trying to wrap my brain around the cost when she did. I asked are you sure? 23k is a lot of money, and I did say they could just buy a new car if they had to pay 23k. It could be 23k, or 3k she just wants her car restored. She considered it a dream car, although thenmodel isn't that hard to find.

 

 

There is a deeper resentment happening OP, probably been brewing for awhile.

 

At this point, yeah, I know it goes deeper. This situation is still surprising to me though. I know she was feeling neglected more lately, but the last few times we spent together were really good. I was trying harder to make our time together more special because I was seeing her less, partially because of my school and work, but also because she took on a 2nd job. The 2nd job was a trial to see if she wanted to do that instead of her primary job. The 2nd job seemed to go against her long term plan as I understood it, so I wasn't ecstatic about it, but I told her to try it and see how she likes it. I wasn't just neglecting her in this time. My own needs have been falling by the wayside. I haven't been eating how I should eat, exercising or sleeping particularly well, but my last class for the semester ends in a month. I told her things will be better when summer rolls around and after that it's just two more seasons and I'm done.

 

 

So there are often clashes when the woman just wants her man to listen and the man just wants to help the woman by giving advice.

 

I understand this, but occasionally her problems are rife with paranoia. I just get alarmed because I feel like I'm enabling bad habits. I'll sit and listen, but I just want the talk to pass.

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