How to read our situation

Hello my husband and I have been married 24 years. We have had our ups and downs. We have three beautiful children a nice home a business. He has asked me for a divorce and says he is tired of trying to make the relationship work. He will not go to couples counseling with me but he has agreed to go to his own counseling which I am also doing. He says that his is to help him move on whereas mine is to help me deal with the pain of the separation. I do not want to divorce. We are currently nesting which means Whoever has the kids on those days lives in the primary home and the other person stays at a second home that we have. But in 3 weeks I am supposed to move out of the family home which breaks my heart since I didn't want any of this. I'm not sure how to read the situation. Is there still hope or should I focus on moving on?

Why are you moving out of the family home?

I'm sorry, but I think he is done. Are you certain he is not cheating?

Cheating was my thought too. Go to therapy, hopefully that will clarify things for you. Also, get a lawyer, you may well need one before long. Your husband does sound done.

Yikes! Do not leave the family home. Go to a lawyer ASAP. Read this article:

Leaving a Matrimonial Home Before a Divorce

BY A.M. HILL

A divorce is often a highly emotional event; continuing to live in the same residence can cause the stress to skyrocket. While it is understandable that you might want to move out of the marital home while the divorce is pending, leaving can have serious consequences. Before you pack up and go, consider how moving out can affect the way your divorce unfolds.

Effect on Child Custody

If you have minor children, moving out of the marital residence can compromise your custody rights. Voluntarily leaving your children in the home with your spouse essentially tells the court you believe the other party is a competent parent. This gives your spouse de facto custody -- physical possession of the children. Because courts tend to favor keeping the children in the marital home, the judge is more likely to grant your ex temporary custody during the divorce. Furthermore, because both parents have equal rights to the children, it is likely you you won't be able to remove them from the marital home without a court order or your spouse's consent.

Exclusive Possession of the Home

Voluntarily moving out can also prompt your spouse to file a motion with the court for temporary exclusive possession of the marital home. If the court grants the motion, you will be barred from returning to the house while the divorce is pending. On the other hand, if your spouse is the source of the difficulty, you also have the option of filing this motion. The court might order your spouse to leave and allow you to remain in the home if you can show she is abusive or creating an environment unsuitable for children.

Trusting Your Spouse in the Home

Moving out leaves the home in your spouse's control. Because it might be impractical to move all of your personal belongings out of the house, you are effectively trusting the other person to look after your things. If the divorce is contentious, your spouse might take out their frustrations on your property. In some divorces, the couple must sell the marital residence. However, if you are not present in the home, you may lose control over the real estate process and give your ex an opportunity to delay the sale or even damage the house.

Financial Considerations

Walking away from your home before the divorce is final can also hurt you financially. The court might enter temporary orders requiring you to pay spousal or child support. You could also be ordered to contribute to the family home's mortgage. If you rent an apartment or buy another residence, you may find yourself in the position of supporting two households on one income. Before you move, consider how it will affect the major issues of your divorce and evaluate whether the positives of leaving outweigh the potential negatives.

I dont want to leave but if it is really over I do not want the marital home in the settlement. Its too big for me to maintain alone but holds memories for the kids so he can have it. The other property is smaller and I could manage that one alone....it was purchased to be a rental. We have a parenting schedule in place now that is 50/50. He is a great father. He says he is not cheating. Just tired of trying. I'm just hoping that independent counseling will help him see that we should not go down this path and maybe hell consent to couples counseling. Am I fooling myself?

It'll take time. I don't think it's a good idea to build up any false hope for reconciliation. Believe him and what he's saying. If he changes his mind later on, you decide whether it's best for you then. I don't think it's healthy to hang on to someone who is telling he's tired of trying. Only the both of you know what's happened and the issues that you've faced in your marriage or how severe they are. I'd urge you to pick up the pieces, forgive each other and make peace/move on.

I don't understand - he's tired of trying to make it work? What part of the relationship did he feel was broken? Physical? Emotional? Communication? There must be something that triggered this kind of response in him. Did you feel that something wasn't "working"? Or was it completely out of left field?

I'm asking this because whatever the reason was that made him choose this path will have an impact on whether or not this is fixable.

If all he said was he's tired of trying (and won't speak about it), seems to me like there is something else happening. Something he doesn't want to tell you (like an affair).

Regardless of this -

Yes - get a lawyer

Yes - stay in the house until at least the stuff about the houses has been agreed upon in writing.

Not sure what is going on. What did you argue about? All you can do is get correct and proper legal advice at the moment.

The best thing you can do is consult an attorney asap to review your options. Your attorney will advise you. The next thing to do is consult a therapist privately and confidentially to help you navigate the emotional end of things. You also need to file for child support on behalf of your kids.

I dont want to leave but if it is really over I do not want the marital home in the settlement. We have a parenting schedule in place now that is 50/50.

Thanks everyone. We were going to try mediation to save money and emotional stress. With regards to him saying that he doesn't want to try. I believe he thought he was communicating what was wrong with me but I do not see that he was telling me anything. We have different communication methods. No the divorce was a surprise however we had been struggling more over the last few years. I did not expect a divorce though I thought we could work through it and I had requested counseling with him for 5 years which he would not do. I'm afraid to get an attorney now because we agreed on mediation and I think he will view that as aggressive behavior on my part and a failure to upkeep the civil an amicable path we were trying to choose. Do you still think I should get a lawyer? Should I tell him about it?

Yes talk to an attorney privately and confidentially. It does not mean you will hire an attorney for your case. It means you are getting advice. No do not tell him.

Thanks everyone. We were going to try mediation to save money and emotional stress. With regards to him saying that he doesn't want to try. I believe he thought he was communicating what was wrong with me but I do not see that he was telling me anything. We have different communication methods. No the divorce was a surprise however we had been struggling more over the last few years. I did not expect a divorce though I thought we could work through it and I had requested counseling with him for 5 years which he would not do. I'm afraid to get an attorney now because we agreed on mediation and I think he will view that as aggressive behavior on my part and a failure to upkeep the civil an amicable path we were trying to choose. Do you still think I should get a lawyer? Should I tell him about it?

The problem is that you mentioned you had to move out of the family home!

If he is the one who wants out, then why do you have to move??? any lawyer would tell you otherwise.

YES, please get independent legal advice yesterday!

If he does not want to fix the relationship and only wants a divorce, it's settled.

It takes two to make it, but only one to break it.

Don't be so naive as to not have your own back and worrying about upsetting him. You had no clue he would ask for a divorce so you have no clue what's going on inside his head. He has his own best interest at heart. If he saw you as a team, he would've agreed to counseling to maintain a partnership.

Do not give away your portion of a house that is half yours. The kids will have to adjust to a new way of life, and if that means selling and moving into a new home because you can't afford the big house, they will adjust to that, too. In the big picture, your kids will eventually grow up and move into their own places, and there your ex will be with all of that expensive property he can sell and be all set up for to invest or rest easy with going into his retirement years. Whereas you might be struggling and wish you could've had an even split to invest into your own savings when needed, because life is expensive.

Some people don't want to rock the boat, let others have their own way to avoid arguments, to the detriment of their own rights and an equal/fair distribution.

Please know that if you've been married at least 10 years, you have the right, in many states, to half of your husband's retirement savings at the time of the divorce (nothing more after the divorce.) You also have a right to half his pension if he has one. Do not be a spineless noodle and forego all of this so he won't be upset. He upset you by not agreeing to work on the marriage. Time to toughen up for your own good.

Also on top of legal advice and therapy i recommend a book called 'the 5 love languages' due to the fact that you say HE THINKS he has communicated clearly and YOU THINK the total opposite. It may be too late for this relationship but it will help you with future relatonships.