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Want to leave husband but don't want to break his heart and hurt our son


JValentine

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Hi all,

 

I have no one to talk to about this and really need to get this off my chest and see if anyone has any advice?

 

I have been with my husband for 15 years (I'm 33) married for 8 years and we have a 14 year old son together.

 

As you may have noticed I got pregnant very young very quickly. We decided to give it a go together. I was going to leave him before I realised I was pregnant! Husband is the kindest most gentle laid back man. He is quite lazy and ignorant, but has never hurt me whatsoever. I have never found him attractive, I found his personality attractive.

 

He is so laid back it is impossible to argue with him! He's just very passive and evasive/ignorant.

 

Past few years I have started to look at other men. I am missing something in our relationship, that spark. I feel that I love him so very much, but not the way a wife should. I'm not IN love with him and don't think I ever have been!!

 

He doesn't light the fire in my belly! I shudder and pull away if he tries to kiss me, be intimate, but I do do my wifely duties but do imagine he's someone else!!

 

I've thought about this for hours on end, I've pictured him kissing another woman, and I feel nothing. If anything, I say good, he deserves someone who loves him the way he loves me.

 

We own our own home and I am the main earner but we split everything 50/50.

 

I love our family life together, we have holidays planned with friends and we like similar things. I don't want to be in a sexual relationship with him anymore but I don't want to take his home and family life away from him.

 

I've always thought to myself over the years, I'll wait till our son is 16 and I'll go.

 

But, my husband has nowhere to go? His useless father wouldn't have him. I don't want to take my son away from him but I am living a lie. I truly care about him, he is my best friend but, emotionally and sexually, I feel nothing.

 

I don't know what to do :(

 

I'm going to ruin everything but I am missing out on a real love?

 

Sorry this is so long xx

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Nickel, I'm so sorry to read this. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man. I'm not trying to replace him. I've never been on my own! Left school, baby in college here we are lol.

 

That's the thing, this will break his heart and I don't want to do that but I am living a lie and am a bit dead on the inside :(

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Nickel, I'm so sorry to read this. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man. I'm not trying to replace him. I've never been on my own! Left school, baby in college here we are lol.

 

That's the thing, this will break his heart and I don't want to do that but I am living a lie and am a bit dead on the inside :(

 

Well, from the other perspective... Have you tried talking to him about what is bothering you? I was completely blind-sided with no chance to fix anything. That made it so much worse.

 

Is there anything he can do to reignite your attraction? Maybe he needs to get out more and have his own life? Etc.

 

What is it you see in these other men other than something new?

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Heed what NS said... if you cheat you will ruin his life. Sticking your head in the sand is not serving you any purpose.... you need to face this and communicate how you feel with him. If you aren't interested in being in a relationship with him say so... and do it now before you break his heart and while it's possible for you to leave things in an amicable way.

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He goes out to the gym and nights out with friends, sports etc. We have great separate lives as well as joint things.

 

Twice I've tried to say I cant do this anymore and hes been broken and then I feel bad for him and say "but it's ok, we'll be ok" then its forgotten about.

 

I think he knows something's wrong. He did ask me the other day if we're ok. And I just said yes.

 

I don't think I'll ever find him attractive, I cant think I can reignite a fire that was never there. I'm depriving him of someone who will love him like he loves me. I just don't want to ruin his and our sons life in the process.

 

Is there such a think as a friendly amicable divorce? Help :(

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JV, I was in the same position. 16 years of marriage, two boys, and I felt like I was in prison. I too used to hope he would find someone who was more suited (and he actually later found someone who was perfect for him).

 

Will it be painful to leave him? You bet. Will you feel guilty? Absolutely. Will he get over it and move on with his life? ABSOLUTELY. He's a grown man.

 

My advice would be to stay single for a VERY long time and enjoy your life.

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JV, I was in the same position. 16 years of marriage, two boys, and I felt like I was in prison. I too used to hope he would find someone who was more suited (and he actually later found someone who was perfect for him).

 

Will it be painful to leave him? You bet. Will you feel guilty? Absolutely. Will he get over it and move on with his life? ABSOLUTELY. He's a grown man.

 

My advice would be to stay single for a VERY long time and enjoy your life.

 

Thank you Sarah, how did you do it if you don't mind me asking?? I plan on staying single for a very long time!!

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He's not your best friend -a best friend would never describe the best friend as passive, evasive and ignorant as you did. You remind me of certain married/coupled friends who acted all smug married/coupled when I was single -all their "family" activities, how they were part of the married club, etc- when in reality it was all a farce. It's easier to live as a family/married couple -but it's not fair to him or your son. He's a "wonderful man" and he deserves a wife who admires, respects and loves him.

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I'm not sure about friendly but there is such a thing as acceptance by both parties at the end. It may take some time and that's what separation is for. Being physically apart will give both of you more time to think about whether divorce is right for the two of you. There can be emotions to work through but I think in the end you shouldn't have to feel shorted or like you're missing something in your life. Both of you will heal in your own way.

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My wife left me when my kids were 14 and 15. It's a horrible time to leave a father without ghis children and children without their father. High school is hard enough as it is, but by all means, go for it since you don't feel a spark, your kids be damned. Honestly, women like you and my ex are why I need to get a dog and stay away from dating anyone.

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JV, I told him that I wanted out, that I could not live like this anymore. He put every guilt trip on me imaginable, but fortunately I had a great support system of friends.

 

The last thing he told me before he moved out was, "You're going to be a very lonely old woman."

 

HA!!! That didn't turn out to be true. Many years later, I found the love of my life.

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Is there such a think as a friendly amicable divorce? Help :(

No. don't fool yourself. My ex and I agreed to a "friendly divorce" which translates to her saying "Let's save money and I'll just screw you for everything that means anything to you, most especially our children." I realized that way too late.

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He's not your best friend -a best friend would never describe the best friend as passive, evasive and ignorant as you did. You remind me of certain married/coupled friends who acted all smug married/coupled when I was single -all their "family" activities, how they were part of the married club, etc- when in reality it was all a farce. It's easier to live as a family/married couple -but it's not fair to him or your son. He's a "wonderful man" and he deserves a wife who admires, respects and loves him.

 

I was just explaining a few bad points he has. Nobodies perfect! I have bad points too. To be fair you're right, he's not my best friend, I cant talk to him about anything and everything, because he's not listening and doesn't care anyway.

 

Ha! Smug! Odd. I had an unplanned child at 18, I did not plan on a family unit to be smug about to unmarried people!

 

I deserve a man who respects me. I do not get that currently.

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Relevart, I learned that kids can survive a divorce very well as long as they know they're loved by both parties.

True. But it's not about just the kids. This will sound selfish, but I lost perhaps the ost important years with my kids because my ex found another man for herself. Weekends and occassional dinners just are not that great for the non-custodial parent. I'm guessing you were the one with custody, so I don't expect you to understand

 

And kids, especially high school age, learn very quickly how to play the parents against one another and usually the one with custody wins.

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My wife left me when my kids were 14 and 15. It's a horrible time to leave a father without ghis children and children without their father. High school is hard enough as it is, but by all means, go for it since you don't feel a spark, your kids be damned. Honestly, women like you and my ex are why I need to get a dog and stay away from dating anyone.

 

Cheers for that. Thanks

 

My sons father would be welcome here whenever he wanted. I would never stop that. Ever.

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JV, I told him that I wanted out, that I could not live like this anymore. He put every guilt trip on me imaginable, but fortunately I had a great support system of friends.

 

The last thing he told me before he moved out was, "You're going to be a very lonely old woman."

 

HA!!! That didn't turn out to be true. Many years later, I found the love of my life.

 

Thank you xx

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I was just explaining a few bad points he has. Nobodies perfect! I have bad points too. To be fair you're right, he's not my best friend, I cant talk to him about anything and everything, because he's not listening and doesn't care anyway.

 

Ha! Smug! Odd. I had an unplanned child at 18, I did not plan on a family unit to be smug about to unmarried people!

 

I deserve a man who respects me. I do not get that currently.

 

Oh I understand why you married him but you also say you love doing the family stuff -yes, my point was it's easier that way for sure -to do the family stuff, be part of the married family club - but easier doesn't mean it's right for your family. I'm sorry if I was too harsh. I understand you weren't using protection properly or at all and got pregnant -it happens - many children are not planned. Some raise the child as a single parent,others put the baby up for adoption, others settle for marriage "for the child." You decided not to marry until your son was older and you were older -so I am a bit confused as to why you married him once you were an adult, especially.

 

You deserve a man who respects you and a man deserves your respect too. So I agree this is not a good match.

 

It didn't come across as you just explaining a few flaws so thanks for clarifying!

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I deserve a man who respects me. I do not get that currently.

Your kid deserve a loving father under the same room. You keep saying you had an unplanned pregnancy. OK, so be it. It takes two to tango though. That kid is your responsibility, too. Too many people rush into divorce thinking only about themselves.

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Your kid deserve a loving father under the same room. You keep saying you had an unplanned pregnancy. OK, so be it. It takes two to tango though. That kid is your responsibility, too. Too many people rush into divorce thinking only about themselves.

 

But the role model she is giving her son is that the father is not respected or admired or loved.

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Your kid deserve a loving father under the same room. You keep saying you had an unplanned pregnancy. OK, so be it. It takes two to tango though. That kid is your responsibility, too. Too many people rush into divorce thinking only about themselves.

 

You are a very bitter, broken man by the sounds of it. So I should live with my sons caring loving father even though it makes me unbelievably sad and lonely? I have done that for the last 5 years!! I think I have given enough!! Two to tango, agreed. I am our sons majority caregiver by a good 90%!! I do everything whilst me husband is in bed or watching football!!

 

I think you are very wrong here. I've had a long time to think about this. There is no rushing!!

 

If I was thinking of only myself I would have left 14 years ago!

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