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Thread: Want to leave husband but don't want to break his heart and hurt our son

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    But the role model she is giving her son is that the father is not respected or admired or loved.
    The role model is that she doesn't care the pain she causes her son and that when things get boring, it's OK to leave an otherwise decent and respectable spouse.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by JValentine
    You are a very bitter, broken man by the sounds of it.
    I'm impressed. It usually takes folks more than three posts to come to that conclusion about me. LOL

    Originally Posted by JValentine
    So I should live with my sons caring loving father even though it makes me unbelievably sad and lonely? I have done that for the last 5 years!! I think I have given enough!! Two to tango, agreed. I am our sons majority caregiver by a good 90%!! I do everything whilst me husband is in bed or watching football!!
    I'm not here to argue. I will just point out that you are basically responding to me saying you were being selfish by admitting out how selfish you are by leaving your son's "caring, loving father." (Your words)
    Last edited by relevart; 04-11-2019 at 01:19 PM.

  3. #33
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Look, nobody is perfect and things don't always work out.

    Divorce is painful for everyone, but if the marriage is a dead, it's dead.

    The best outcome is that everyone moves on and lives happy lives with no hard feelings.

  4. #34

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    Originally Posted by relevart
    The role model is that she doesn't care the pain she causes her son and that when things get boring, it's OK to leave an otherwise decent and respectable spouse.
    Absolute BS.

    Jog on

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    RELEVANT and NICKEL y’all both know full well what led to the end of your marriage, stop with the sexist victimhood, and statistics have show children would rather be from a broken home than in one, stop with this sexist idea that a woman is letting her children down if she doesn’t sacrifice her happiness for others..
    I get that some people are going to disagree with me. That's fine. I disagree very much that there is anything sexist in my feelings. I just understand what this man will go through as the father in a divorce. Like I said, weekends and a dinner here and there is never enough. The worst feeling I ever felt was just after dropping my kids off at their moms. That is a drive I would never want another man to face without a very good reason. Adultery and abuse of any kid are very good reasons.

    Also, staying in bed all day can be a sign there is a medical problem somewhere, Low T, depression or something we can only speculate abut

    Oh, yeah, my marriage didn't work because my ex cheated on me. But I'm sure that was my fault.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    If you're the breadwinner and you've been married for 15 years, two kids under your belt, I wouldn't be so sure he's the one who ends up with the 1BR apartment and visitation.

    I do think that, absent there having been some egregiously tortious act committed, if someone takes their vows and role as a parent seriously, counseling should always be Step #1 before divorce proceedings. You give that an honest effort and it fails, or if he makes it even simpler by not agreeing to it, then I disagree with any advice that would have you stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids.

    Kids aren't idiots. And while they may not be able to notice specifically that mom doesn't feel sexual chemistry with dad, they tend to be aware of who genuinely feels affection for the other-- particularly when there's a stark discrepancy, and especially by the time they've reached 14. If you divorce tomorrow, I'd be dead surprised if your teen 1) was surprised at all himself and 2) didn't know with near certainty who really wanted it. It's not healthy for them, and while as a child of divorced parents I'll be the first to say happily married and otherwise kind and healthy parents is almost unequivocally the best case scenario, I'd take my divorced parents all over again before I'd have either or both of them effectively deceiving me for the sake of what they perceived to be my benefit. There are plenty of ways you two can effectively co-parent and be strong figures and influences in your kids' lives.

    But, again, while the fact you've never been attracted to this guy and don't seem to have respected him for a good while aren't the strongest points of optimism, I would give counseling a college try before making the ultimate decision. And while you undoubtedly won't feel "good" about it, should you decide divorce is the right solution, I'd bet having attempted to arbitrate will go a long way in alleviating any future guilt or regret you may or may not otherwise feel.

  8. #37
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I too would try couples therapy before throwing in the towel. While it definitely hurts to have divorced parents I won’t lie sometimes it is better if the issues are irreconcilable.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by relevart
    The role model is that she doesn't care the pain she causes her son and that when things get boring, it's OK to leave an otherwise decent and respectable spouse.
    That's how you perceived /interpreted her description. If I had interpreted it as you did I would agree and certainly even with my interpretation they can try counseling if both wholeheartedly want it. I don't think you stay in a marriage just because "decent and respectable" - that sounds more like a reason to keep a pet if you're no longer excited to have a pet but don't want to hurt the pet by rehoming him.

    She never loved him. She married him because she didn't want to give her child up for adoption and she thought it was better if he were raised in a two-parent family even though she wasn't that into him. Now she realizes that was a mistake. Perhaps counseling would help facilitate a "spark". You never know.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    JV, I was in the same position. 16 years of marriage, two boys, and I felt like I was in prison. I too used to hope he would find someone who was more suited (and he actually later found someone who was perfect for him).

    Will it be painful to leave him? You bet. Will you feel guilty? Absolutely. Will he get over it and move on with his life? ABSOLUTELY. He's a grown man.

    My advice would be to stay single for a VERY long time and enjoy your life.
    Great advice!

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by relevart
    Your kid deserve a loving father under the same room. You keep saying you had an unplanned pregnancy. OK, so be it. It takes two to tango though. That kid is your responsibility, too. Too many people rush into divorce thinking only about themselves.
    She has been unhappy for a long time. it is also not healthy for kids to be exposed to a loveless marriage.

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