Me [25 M] her [23 F] Stepping Back

Okay so this is an interesting situation, we met on a dating app, lived in the same town, worked for similar places, hit it off right away. We talked on the app for about 3 days all day long, and before i could even get a chance to, she asked me on a date that Thursday, and sent me her number.

 

So we went out that thursday, had an amazing time and just everything clicked harder than it ever has with any of my other dates. We went out the next night, then saturday night, sunday night, and basically for the past 2-3 weeks we've gone out every night except like 2 when we worked late. That's like what, 14+ times seeing eachother?

 

She wanted me to meet her parents at her house after 2 weeks. We met eachothers friends and this past weekend went out with her brother and met him. We've basically shared just about everything we could together. She stayed over at my house after a week or so.

 

Now going on week 3 to 4, her attitude changed a lot. We were extremely open with eachother, her past 3 year relationship was very physically and mentally abusive, and has sad on multiple occasions "idk how such a great guy like you are into me" "how did i ever deserve you" and things like that. She has a severe deep depression and anxiety. Her being on her period this week has made that even worse really

 

She started to no longer act quite as excited or flirty with me, not saying nearly the same things to me as before and things just seemed to change a little, so i asked her about it. She assured me that there's nothing at all wrong with me, and told me I wouldn't have had you meet my parents or would've told you bye a while ago if i didnt think this was going somewhere or that i didnt like you. So i believed her and we continued going out, the fact that she still kept inviting me out weekends and weeknights i was like okay everything isnt as bad as i thought.

 

 

 

Today, this morning, she sends me a message "can we talk"

Then sends this

I think with my mental state right now I don't know that a committed relationship is the best thing for me. I really enjoy spending time with you and you're a really great person and I'm not saying that I want to stop talking to you or anything. I still want to talk and see you. But for some reason my brain isn't allowing me to give you 100% where you are. I'm doing my best but I really think I need to not have a commitment right now so that I can keep focusing on myself. Does that make any sense?

 

Like I feel right now I have to give a lot of myself to you and it's taking away from myself where it needs to be.

 

 

Now i saw this coming a while ago as I said something felt off. I didnt sweat it, i told her there is no pressure here and we can do what you feel you need to do. I asked her for the truth if she just doesnt want to see me anymore or if theres other guys she wants to see instead.

 

She said "before i was at a high point, and now im at a serious low point with my depression and anxiety"

"No i dont want to see anyone else"

"I feel terrible right now and really sorry"

 

I told her im supportive and there for her, and we can move at a pace that's more comfortable

 

She said "Like there are days I just don't want to talk but I feel obligated too because of this and I just can't do it

I don't know why I'm feeling like this but I am"

"I'm not leaving"

"I know I just need to take a step back"

"I mean you're acting like its okay but I hope you don't hate me"

 

 

tl;dr

So I'm just asking for advice on what you think of this. People i talk to say this is just her wanting to look at herself and time she needs, along with the relationship before things move further. Give her space and let her come back since she says she has feelings. Others of course say shes no longer interested or looking at other guys or something like that which with everything thats happened i think shes not saying that or would tell me.

 

Its like, the funniest part about it is she's set up basically every single night we go out, shes the one that messages me every day. Shes the one that told me to meet her parents on freaking week 2. Shes the one that called me her boyfriend before i did anything. One night after a date shes like "will you be my boyfriend"

She gave me her number and asked me out on a date on that app before i could even so anything.

 

Sure this all sounds very fast, the whole time i was saying to myself wow this is moving quick but if she wants.

 

She did literally EVERYTHING FIRST, initiated everything that has happened and i have the texts lol. Now is like wait i need time and step back..

You might be a rebound.

 

All you can do is give her space and see what happens. Don't make her your project if she's not ready for this. Or you can move on.

I already am trying to talk to other people just incase, if she somehow does come back then sure but otherwise im just moving right on with my business. "I want to step back but want to keep talking and seeing you" like why even put me in this position in the first place and what, you dont like me enough now but want to keep me around? She even called me her boyfriend before anything

 

Shes still texting me and has been texting me all morning long right after telling me she needs to step back and cant fulfill my needs right now lol

If you listen to any advice on here please listen to this:

 

It sounds like she doesn't want to be with you right now. It's best you don't try to convince her either, it may seem noble to say "I'm not giving up" "I'm not leaving...you're not too broken blah blah blah" but I did that in my past relationship and I spent 7 months with an emotionally broken man who later subjected me to a lot of mental abuse. It was a lot to carry and even after breaking up 4 months ago, I'm still picking up the pieces trying to heal damage he did to ME while I was trying to get him not to do to himself.

 

When someone TELLS you their not ready for a relationship, BELIEVE THEM. Don't talk them out of it. Don't try to level with them. Self reflection is the most important thing and if someone is able to do that and reach a conclusion that she's NOT ready for a relationship...Please listen to her.

 

It doesn't mean you can't be friends and maybe her feelings will change after time but that has to he a change that is within herself, nothing you can fix.

 

I'm in a similar situation and recently gave a guy the same speech and as much as I wanted him to fight for me and convince me, it's not fair to him or me.

 

If you want to give this relationship its best shot, its gotta start with two people who feel emotionally ready.

The best thing you can do is just be her friend. You decide at what level you want to do that. If you decide to see other people while being her friend, awesome maybe don't throw it in her face or make her jealous or anything like that. You didn't mention doing this but I've heard of cases where others have tried something like this. It won't work. She's too down on herself for a push like that. She'll eventually just flop.

 

Your best bet is being her friend and being there for her (at whatever level you feel comfortable) and even then, a relationship isn't guaranteed but maybe your patience will pay off and your friendship will set a strong foundation for a long term relationship with her in the future. If anything, it'll help someone who is clearly struggling and needing a friend.

Has she recently come out of a relationship?

I already am trying to talk to other people just incase, if she somehow does come back then sure but otherwise im just moving right on with my business. "I want to step back but want to keep talking and seeing you" like why even put me in this position in the first place and what, you dont like me enough now but want to keep me around? She even called me her boyfriend before anything

 

Shes still texting me and has been texting me all morning long right after telling me she needs to step back and cant fulfill my needs right now lol

I hope you're not responding to her texts. The best thing you can do right now is to tell her that you're signing off now as you are going out with the guys and you'll not be answering texts while you are out... then, go out with your friends and don't entertain her indision, anxiety, depression and need to keep you hooked while she keeps you at bay.

 

She should be working on all of that with a therapist and if she isn't, you should be considering dating someone who isn't ignoring their own issues.

 

She may have been the one love bombing you but its very clear that she is feeling enmeshed (google "enmeshment" and read up on the phenom) I suspect if you back off now, she will start to feel abandoned and will try to hoover you back. You don't want to get yourself involved in that kind of merry go round with her. It will shred you in no time at all.

 

... and actually, probably the worst thing you could do is try to "just be her friend." You don't want to be demoted to that and become a slave to her whim. She's not ready to date because she's not processed her abusive relationship.

If you listen to any advice on here please listen to this:

 

It sounds like she doesn't want to be with you right now. It's best you don't try to convince her either, it may seem noble to say "I'm not giving up" "I'm not leaving...you're not too broken blah blah blah" but I did that in my past relationship and I spent 7 months with an emotionally broken man who later subjected me to a lot of mental abuse. It was a lot to carry and even after breaking up 4 months ago, I'm still picking up the pieces trying to heal damage he did to ME while I was trying to get him not to do to himself.

 

When someone TELLS you their not ready for a relationship, BELIEVE THEM. Don't talk them out of it. Don't try to level with them. Self reflection is the most important thing and if someone is able to do that and reach a conclusion that she's NOT ready for a relationship...Please listen to her.

 

It doesn't mean you can't be friends and maybe her feelings will change after time but that has to he a change that is within herself, nothing you can fix.

 

I'm in a similar situation and recently gave a guy the same speech and as much as I wanted him to fight for me and convince me, it's not fair to him or me.

 

If you want to give this relationship its best shot, its gotta start with two people who feel emotionally ready.

 

I think everyone here kind of got the wrong picture. At least i think

It's not like shes saying we're breaking up, i talked to her and she said she doesn't want to see any other guys or stop what we're doing, she just doesnt want to label us as boyfriend and girlfriend yet like we were

 

So basically, how many people become bf/gf after 3 weeks? Have you seen that ever cause i havent really. She's putting us back where we SHOULD be at, dating, and literally taking 1 step back as if the gf/bf discussion and actual "love" was never discussed.

 

**The weird part is after she gave me the "i need time for myself so that i can give you what you deserve from me or would want from me" message and im like okay fine, she continued messaging me nonstop the entire day. Actually she's been messaging me more NOW than she has been the past like 5 days when she was acting a little on/off distant from me. More enthusiasm, etc. ONTOP of that, she then asked me to make plans with her next Tuesday which is her birthday. She THEN asked me out tonight lol... Im like wait a second. You want space and i told you fine do whatever, and now you're already coming back to me asking me to go out with you tomorrow, and next week? Nothing here adds up and i dont understand it at all

Has she recently come out of a relationship?

 

Her relationship ended like September of last year so hasnt been a full year, like 7 months ago if that's recent or not.

I think everyone here kind of got the wrong picture. At least i think

It's not like shes saying we're breaking up, i talked to her and she said she doesn't want to see any other guys or stop what we're doing, she just doesnt want to label us as boyfriend and girlfriend yet like we were

 

So basically, how many people become bf/gf after 3 weeks? Have you seen that ever cause i havent really. She's putting us back where we SHOULD be at, dating, and literally taking 1 step back as if the gf/bf discussion and actual "love" was never discussed.

 

**The weird part is after she gave me the "i need time for myself so that i can give you what you deserve from me or would want from me" message and im like okay fine, she continued messaging me nonstop the entire day. Actually she's been messaging me more NOW than she has been the past like 5 days when she was acting a little on/off distant from me. More enthusiasm, etc. ONTOP of that, she then asked me to make plans with her next Tuesday which is her birthday. She THEN asked me out tonight lol... Im like wait a second. You want space and i told you fine do whatever, and now you're already coming back to me asking me to go out with you tomorrow, and next week? Nothing here adds up and i dont understand it at all

Like I said, she's not emotionally ready to be in anything because when she is she feels engulfed but she's also appearing to have some abandonment issues and that would explain why she's stepping up the need for you to be with her.

 

You are playing with emotional fire by entertaining her isms.

 

My advice, back off and give her what she asked for (which is space) before you become screwed up by her come her/now go away BS.

Nothing here adds up and i dont understand it at all

 

She doesn't sound mature enough to date at this time. Sorry.

That's the bottomline. She's not even thinking straight enough to realize that her words don't measure up and she's contradicting herself. Unfortunately you got caught up too fast too soon. Chalk this one up to experience and get back on your scooter. Scoot away.

Her relationship ended like September of last year so hasnt been a full year, like 7 months ago if that's recent or not.

 

It depends on a few factors, in my opinion, such as how long they were together and whether or not she was the one who wanted out.

 

I asked because a lot of the behaviour you describe from her is consistent with people on the rebound. That might not be the case, but I wouldn't rule it out.

 

Either way, she doesn't sound like the best candidate for a relationship. People who blow hot, hot, hot and then cool off quickly are generally not the ones you can rely on for a long-lasting union.

She doesn't sound mature enough to date at this time. Sorry.

That's the bottomline. She's not even thinking straight enough to realize that her words don't measure up and she's contradicting herself. Unfortunately you got caught up too fast too soon. Chalk this one up to experience and get back on your scooter. Scoot away.

 

I myself are getting sick of it as well and going to ask her personally, in person, what's actually going on and why she's doing this. If i get no straight answer then there i have it.

It just sucks and i hate when this happens cause you get feelings from them, i never want feelings and want things to end by like date 2 if i can help it. Now i feel for her and it just hurts

It depends on a few factors, in my opinion, such as how long they were together and whether or not she was the one who wanted out.

 

I asked because a lot of the behaviour you describe from her is consistent with people on the rebound. That might not be the case, but I wouldn't rule it out.

 

Either way, she doesn't sound like the best candidate for a relationship. People who blow hot, hot, hot and then cool off quickly are generally not the ones you can rely on for a long-lasting union.

 

I believe her last one was 3 years long, they moved in with eachother and everything, then he started abusing her a ton.

 

Im just tired of getting a different "her" every day. One day shes all laughing and silly etc. Next day shes all y and irritable and acting like she doesnt want anything to do with me.

 

Guess what? Today i was at work, got a message from her at 4pm all mad going "?" "Why havent you messaged me all day :( "

 

Im like really? You just asked for space...

Im like really? You just asked for space...

maybe you should have sent that response to her and let her explain why she's saying one thing but doing another....

 

Good luck with your "chat" with her. She'll likely dazzle you with her science and you'll be no more wiser then you already are. That often happens with chicas who have the issue(s) she appears to have when it comes to dating/sex/romance.

I myself are getting sick of it as well and going to ask her personally, in person, what's actually going on and why she's doing this. If i get no straight answer then there i have it.

It just sucks and i hate when this happens cause you get feelings from them, i never want feelings and want things to end by like date 2 if i can help it. Now i feel for her and it just hurts

 

There's better out there. You'll just have to see for yourself. And don't carry this chip on your shoulder. Put this in the past and move forward when you're ready. You'll laugh when you look back at this, I guarantee you.

maybe you should have sent that response to her and let her explain why she's saying one thing but doing another....

 

Good luck with your "chat" with her. She'll likely dazzle you with her science and you'll be no more wiser then you already are. That often happens with chicas who have the issue(s) she appears to have when it comes to dating/sex/romance.

 

Basically it was an emotional mess and just left us both in tears honestly

 

Im just so devastated i cant take this, i finally thought after all this time, everything was perfect. Now she can't even explain anything and just expects me to sit in this period of no physical contact at all and just be okay with hanging out with her.. Im like how do i even know you'll ever come around? How do i know this wont keep happening? And she just keeps saying you dont understand what its like to have my problems

 

She has no time table for when her "down period" will end, she offers me zero assurance or anything. Just says "i know what i was like before and can tell you now i need to fix myself and have time for me. You can say you understand me all you want but you're really not" she just seems so messed up i cant even explain. "You've never been raped and almost killed so that's why i turn off to all physical or sexual contact sometimes"

 

And i just kept asking "so what does that mean for me? You keep talking about yourself and I understand where you're at now and im not forcing anything, but i have to think about myself too here, I matter"

 

And she just keeps blowing it off and saying "dude i would not be here if i didnt want to be. I have other friends and people to go out with. I always choose to be with you instead because i like you and care about you, im just not right now"

 

This is so sad i cant even take it

And she just keeps saying you dont understand what its like to have my problems

No you don't and you shouldn't have to caretake her through hers. Please, please, please get yourself away from her. Tell her that when she has her chit together to give you a call and if you are still single, you will take her to dinner... then, don't contact her again and don't respond to anything she sends you for at least one full year that she has been in therapy and worked through the devastation of her rape. Give her the gift of zero contact so that you are not enabling her to go without the therapy she needs. You are not a psychiatrist so don't act as hers.

 

I'm no doctor but the first vibe I got from your descriptions of her is that she is an undiagnosed borderline personality disordered. She will push you away and she will drag you back as she switches from enmeshment to abandonment. Don't keep on with her and put yourself through that emotional hell. Respect yourself enough to not entertain her mental issues.

This is so sad I cant even take it

... and nor should you.

No you don't and you shouldn't have to caretake her through hers. Please, please, please get yourself away from her. Tell her that when she has her chit together to give you a call and if you are still single, you will take her to dinner... then, don't contact her again and don't respond to anything she sends you for at least one full year that she has been in therapy and worked through the devastation of her rape. Give her the gift of zero contact so that you are not enabling her to go without the therapy she needs. You are not a psychiatrist so don't act as hers.

 

I'm no doctor but the first vibe I got from your descriptions of her is that she is an undiagnosed borderline personality disordered. She will push you away and she will drag you back as she switches from enmeshment to abandonment. Don't keep on with her and put yourself through that emotional hell. Respect yourself enough to not entertain her mental issues.

... and nor should you.

 

I appreciate you for that.

 

Some people are also like "she'll come around, ive been through the same situation, you just have to keep by her side and show her that you care and are trusting. You just need to keep in contact"

 

All kinds of different responses

She's too inconsistent to be a good partner, OP.

 

I'm reading this as she doesn't really want a relationship with you, but she doesn't want to lose the attention you give her. This is very unlikely to have a happy ending for you.

She's too inconsistent to be a good partner, OP.

 

I'm reading this as she doesn't really want a relationship with you, but she doesn't want to lose the attention you give her. This is very unlikely to have a happy ending for you.

 

It's a possibility, but do you really think someone's life is that pitiful that they're willing to play a game for how long, include other people in our lives, waste their own time, and spend so much money since she INSISTS on paying all the time? I just dont really believe someone can possibly carry this out as a lie for such a long time

 

Last night she was kissing me and holding my hand again. Like 1 day shes on and 1 day shes off.

 

 

If it's a lie and not real, i just find it hard she would be crying and getting all emotional, telling me every one of her secrets, sending me pics, all this stuff i can go on and on

Last night she was kissing me and holding my hand again. Like 1 day shes on and 1 day shes off.

Why do you keep asking questions? It's quite clear that you are going to let her play you like she is.

 

People who have mental problems cause you to ask all the questions you are asking. You'll never understand why she does what she does so either just go along with her quackery until she renders you to a shell of your former self or get yourself away from her. I hope you love YOURSELF enough to realize sooner, rather than later that you should get away from her and her isms.

 

Some people are also like "she'll come around, ive been through the same situation, you just have to keep by her side and show her that you care and are trusting. You just need to keep in contact"

Those are the enabling words of the codependent. Anyone with a good set of personal boundaries and with healthy self-worth would run away from the likes of her. Anyone with YOUR best interests in mind would NEVER tell you that to hang in there. You are not married, you barely know her.

 

If you are addicted to the sex with her then cold turkey, zero contact withdrawl is the way to get over that kind of "obsession."

Why do you keep asking questions? It's quite clear that you are going to let her play you like she is.

 

People who have mental problems cause you to ask all the questions you are asking. You'll never understand why she does what she does so either just go along with her quackery until she renders you to a shell of your former self or get yourself away from her. I hope you love YOURSELF enough to realize sooner, rather than later that you should get away from her and her isms.

 

Those are the enabling words of the codependent. Anyone with a good set of personal boundaries and with healthy self-worth would run away from the likes of her. Anyone with YOUR best interests in mind would NEVER tell you that to hang in there. You are not married, you barely know her.

 

If you are addicted to the sex with her then cold turkey, zero contact withdrawl is the way to get over that kind of "obsession."

 

She actually won't even have sex right now, idk if i included that in my post. Her fears, anxieties, whatever you want to call it, make her not want physical contact and touching her like that. We did once and she wasnt completely comfortable with it, and she swears thats why and she started to cry.

 

My friends and people I've known or worked with forever that have dealt with similar things say two things. 1. If you're not happy and miserable because of her, then get away and run. 2. If you're okay with living the way you are and "toughing it out" with her while she snaps out of it and you dont mind not always getting the same her for a bit, she probably does love you just is hesistant from what happened last time

 

They're giving me their best non sugar-coated answers they can give from knowing me for so long. They even told me they would personally never stand for it and leave, but also say it's just she's so shocked she likes you so much that she has to step back and look at everything first

 

Honestly, i guess i dont love myself then. Cause I've been on 50+ dates and im sick of finding nobody i feel connected to. At least the few great weeks we had to start, i knew how much i loved being around her, having conversations with, having similar hobbies and interests, goal driven, and just overall extremely similar lives. THEN she started hitting me with all this stuff. So for you it might be simple to say, but for someone who has been at this for 5 god damn years and hundreds of dates and just excited over someone for the first time ever, it's not easy to not give it a chance

Is she getting therapy for her "severe depression and anxiety?" If she isn't, then she will NEVER snap out of this and it will be a constant struggle FOR YOU.

 

Up to you if you want to remain on a roller coaster ride with her just because you THINK you've connected with her after such a short period of time. She was on her best behaviour in the beginning and now you're seeing her issued self. Would you feel you connected with her if she showed you her issued self from the beginning?

Is she getting therapy for her "severe depression and anxiety?" If she isn't, then she will NEVER snap out of this and it will be a constant struggle FOR YOU.

 

Up to you if you want to remain on a roller coaster ride with her just because you THINK you've connected with her after such a short period of time. She was on her best behaviour in the beginning and now you're seeing her issued self. Would you feel you connected with her if she showed you her issued self from the beginning?

 

I was also going to ask, how long typically does it take for most people to profess boyfriend/girlfriend love? Like generally how long is a normal amount of time to know all about a person enough to move forward?

 

Honestly if she did this from the beginning, i probably wouldn't have even entertained this cause right now every day is stress and im just constantly messed up over this.

I definitly am still here only because of what she showed me she CAN be like the first couple weeks

 

Shes trying medications apparently. Idk how true but she said she will be