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Thread: Me [25 M] her [23 F] Stepping Back

  1. #1
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    Me [25 M] her [23 F] Stepping Back

    Okay so this is an interesting situation, we met on a dating app, lived in the same town, worked for similar places, hit it off right away. We talked on the app for about 3 days all day long, and before i could even get a chance to, she asked me on a date that Thursday, and sent me her number.

    So we went out that thursday, had an amazing time and just everything clicked harder than it ever has with any of my other dates. We went out the next night, then saturday night, sunday night, and basically for the past 2-3 weeks we've gone out every night except like 2 when we worked late. That's like what, 14+ times seeing eachother?

    She wanted me to meet her parents at her house after 2 weeks. We met eachothers friends and this past weekend went out with her brother and met him. We've basically shared just about everything we could together. She stayed over at my house after a week or so.

    Now going on week 3 to 4, her attitude changed a lot. We were extremely open with eachother, her past 3 year relationship was very physically and mentally abusive, and has sad on multiple occasions "idk how such a great guy like you are into me" "how did i ever deserve you" and things like that. She has a severe deep depression and anxiety. Her being on her period this week has made that even worse really

    She started to no longer act quite as excited or flirty with me, not saying nearly the same things to me as before and things just seemed to change a little, so i asked her about it. She assured me that there's nothing at all wrong with me, and told me I wouldn't have had you meet my parents or would've told you bye a while ago if i didnt think this was going somewhere or that i didnt like you. So i believed her and we continued going out, the fact that she still kept inviting me out weekends and weeknights i was like okay everything isnt as bad as i thought.



    Today, this morning, she sends me a message "can we talk"
    Then sends this
    I think with my mental state right now I don't know that a committed relationship is the best thing for me. I really enjoy spending time with you and you're a really great person and I'm not saying that I want to stop talking to you or anything. I still want to talk and see you. But for some reason my brain isn't allowing me to give you 100% where you are. I'm doing my best but I really think I need to not have a commitment right now so that I can keep focusing on myself. Does that make any sense?

    Like I feel right now I have to give a lot of myself to you and it's taking away from myself where it needs to be.


    Now i saw this coming a while ago as I said something felt off. I didnt sweat it, i told her there is no pressure here and we can do what you feel you need to do. I asked her for the truth if she just doesnt want to see me anymore or if theres other guys she wants to see instead.

    She said "before i was at a high point, and now im at a serious low point with my depression and anxiety"
    "No i dont want to see anyone else"
    "I feel terrible right now and really sorry"

    I told her im supportive and there for her, and we can move at a pace that's more comfortable

    She said "Like there are days I just don't want to talk but I feel obligated too because of this and I just can't do it
    I don't know why I'm feeling like this but I am"
    "I'm not leaving"
    "I know I just need to take a step back"
    "I mean you're acting like its okay but I hope you don't hate me"


    tl;dr
    So I'm just asking for advice on what you think of this. People i talk to say this is just her wanting to look at herself and time she needs, along with the relationship before things move further. Give her space and let her come back since she says she has feelings. Others of course say shes no longer interested or looking at other guys or something like that which with everything thats happened i think shes not saying that or would tell me.

    Its like, the funniest part about it is she's set up basically every single night we go out, shes the one that messages me every day. Shes the one that told me to meet her parents on freaking week 2. Shes the one that called me her boyfriend before i did anything. One night after a date shes like "will you be my boyfriend"
    She gave me her number and asked me out on a date on that app before i could even so anything.

    Sure this all sounds very fast, the whole time i was saying to myself wow this is moving quick but if she wants.

    She did literally EVERYTHING FIRST, initiated everything that has happened and i have the texts lol. Now is like wait i need time and step back..

  2. #2
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    You might be a rebound.

    All you can do is give her space and see what happens. Don't make her your project if she's not ready for this. Or you can move on.

  3. #3
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    I already am trying to talk to other people just incase, if she somehow does come back then sure but otherwise im just moving right on with my business. "I want to step back but want to keep talking and seeing you" like why even put me in this position in the first place and what, you dont like me enough now but want to keep me around? She even called me her boyfriend before anything

    Shes still texting me and has been texting me all morning long right after telling me she needs to step back and cant fulfill my needs right now lol

  4. #4
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    If you listen to any advice on here please listen to this:

    It sounds like she doesn't want to be with you right now. It's best you don't try to convince her either, it may seem noble to say "I'm not giving up" "I'm not leaving...you're not too broken blah blah blah" but I did that in my past relationship and I spent 7 months with an emotionally broken man who later subjected me to a lot of mental abuse. It was a lot to carry and even after breaking up 4 months ago, I'm still picking up the pieces trying to heal damage he did to ME while I was trying to get him not to do to himself.

    When someone TELLS you their not ready for a relationship, BELIEVE THEM. Don't talk them out of it. Don't try to level with them. Self reflection is the most important thing and if someone is able to do that and reach a conclusion that she's NOT ready for a relationship...Please listen to her.

    It doesn't mean you can't be friends and maybe her feelings will change after time but that has to he a change that is within herself, nothing you can fix.

    I'm in a similar situation and recently gave a guy the same speech and as much as I wanted him to fight for me and convince me, it's not fair to him or me.

    If you want to give this relationship its best shot, its gotta start with two people who feel emotionally ready.

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  6. #5
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    The best thing you can do is just be her friend. You decide at what level you want to do that. If you decide to see other people while being her friend, awesome maybe don't throw it in her face or make her jealous or anything like that. You didn't mention doing this but I've heard of cases where others have tried something like this. It won't work. She's too down on herself for a push like that. She'll eventually just flop.

    Your best bet is being her friend and being there for her (at whatever level you feel comfortable) and even then, a relationship isn't guaranteed but maybe your patience will pay off and your friendship will set a strong foundation for a long term relationship with her in the future. If anything, it'll help someone who is clearly struggling and needing a friend.

  7. #6
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    Has she recently come out of a relationship?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Braytc
    I already am trying to talk to other people just incase, if she somehow does come back then sure but otherwise im just moving right on with my business. "I want to step back but want to keep talking and seeing you" like why even put me in this position in the first place and what, you dont like me enough now but want to keep me around? She even called me her boyfriend before anything

    Shes still texting me and has been texting me all morning long right after telling me she needs to step back and cant fulfill my needs right now lol
    I hope you're not responding to her texts. The best thing you can do right now is to tell her that you're signing off now as you are going out with the guys and you'll not be answering texts while you are out... then, go out with your friends and don't entertain her indision, anxiety, depression and need to keep you hooked while she keeps you at bay.

    She should be working on all of that with a therapist and if she isn't, you should be considering dating someone who isn't ignoring their own issues.

    She may have been the one love bombing you but its very clear that she is feeling enmeshed (google "enmeshment" and read up on the phenom) I suspect if you back off now, she will start to feel abandoned and will try to hoover you back. You don't want to get yourself involved in that kind of merry go round with her. It will shred you in no time at all.

    ... and actually, probably the worst thing you could do is try to "just be her friend." You don't want to be demoted to that and become a slave to her whim. She's not ready to date because she's not processed her abusive relationship.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by rchubn
    If you listen to any advice on here please listen to this:

    It sounds like she doesn't want to be with you right now. It's best you don't try to convince her either, it may seem noble to say "I'm not giving up" "I'm not leaving...you're not too broken blah blah blah" but I did that in my past relationship and I spent 7 months with an emotionally broken man who later subjected me to a lot of mental abuse. It was a lot to carry and even after breaking up 4 months ago, I'm still picking up the pieces trying to heal damage he did to ME while I was trying to get him not to do to himself.

    When someone TELLS you their not ready for a relationship, BELIEVE THEM. Don't talk them out of it. Don't try to level with them. Self reflection is the most important thing and if someone is able to do that and reach a conclusion that she's NOT ready for a relationship...Please listen to her.

    It doesn't mean you can't be friends and maybe her feelings will change after time but that has to he a change that is within herself, nothing you can fix.

    I'm in a similar situation and recently gave a guy the same speech and as much as I wanted him to fight for me and convince me, it's not fair to him or me.

    If you want to give this relationship its best shot, its gotta start with two people who feel emotionally ready.
    I think everyone here kind of got the wrong picture. At least i think
    It's not like shes saying we're breaking up, i talked to her and she said she doesn't want to see any other guys or stop what we're doing, she just doesnt want to label us as boyfriend and girlfriend yet like we were

    So basically, how many people become bf/gf after 3 weeks? Have you seen that ever cause i havent really. She's putting us back where we SHOULD be at, dating, and literally taking 1 step back as if the gf/bf discussion and actual "love" was never discussed.

    **The weird part is after she gave me the "i need time for myself so that i can give you what you deserve from me or would want from me" message and im like okay fine, she continued messaging me nonstop the entire day. Actually she's been messaging me more NOW than she has been the past like 5 days when she was acting a little on/off distant from me. More enthusiasm, etc. ONTOP of that, she then asked me to make plans with her next Tuesday which is her birthday. She THEN asked me out tonight lol... Im like wait a second. You want space and i told you fine do whatever, and now you're already coming back to me asking me to go out with you tomorrow, and next week? Nothing here adds up and i dont understand it at all

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Has she recently come out of a relationship?
    Her relationship ended like September of last year so hasnt been a full year, like 7 months ago if that's recent or not.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Braytc
    I think everyone here kind of got the wrong picture. At least i think
    It's not like shes saying we're breaking up, i talked to her and she said she doesn't want to see any other guys or stop what we're doing, she just doesnt want to label us as boyfriend and girlfriend yet like we were

    So basically, how many people become bf/gf after 3 weeks? Have you seen that ever cause i havent really. She's putting us back where we SHOULD be at, dating, and literally taking 1 step back as if the gf/bf discussion and actual "love" was never discussed.

    **The weird part is after she gave me the "i need time for myself so that i can give you what you deserve from me or would want from me" message and im like okay fine, she continued messaging me nonstop the entire day. Actually she's been messaging me more NOW than she has been the past like 5 days when she was acting a little on/off distant from me. More enthusiasm, etc. ONTOP of that, she then asked me to make plans with her next Tuesday which is her birthday. She THEN asked me out tonight lol... Im like wait a second. You want space and i told you fine do whatever, and now you're already coming back to me asking me to go out with you tomorrow, and next week? Nothing here adds up and i dont understand it at all
    Like I said, she's not emotionally ready to be in anything because when she is she feels engulfed but she's also appearing to have some abandonment issues and that would explain why she's stepping up the need for you to be with her.

    You are playing with emotional fire by entertaining her isms.

    My advice, back off and give her what she asked for (which is space) before you become screwed up by her come her/now go away BS.

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