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Thread: Interested in Ex-boyfriend's Roommate

  1. #1

    Interested in Ex-boyfriend's Roommate

    So I have been having this problem for a few months now. I'm attracted to my ex-boyfriend's roommate. My and my ex broke up last november (5 months ago) and he moved out and is now living with 2 other guys. This roomate is some he just met 3 months ago when he moved out, but it's still someone whom he considers a friend. I hang out over there a lot and that is how I met his roommate, and I started developing feelings for him. Once I realized how bad the feelings were for the roommate I stopped hanging out over there. I really was hoping that feelings went away because I am still friends with my ex and he lives with my ex so I just didn't want the situation to get messy and for my feelings ro continue to grow. Fast forward a few months later he now works at my place of employment and I realized that my feelings do not seem to be going away at all so at this point I think that it's something I should address to him for some sense of closure either way, but it is a sensitive situation so I don't know exactly how to go about doing that. If he wasn't my ex's roommate I would feel very confident/comfortable approaching him. I genuinely feel like I would have a chance if not for that, but it just makes things complicated him being my ex's roommate.

  2. #2
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    Why are you hanging out at your ex's place? I get you are "still friends" - but its okay for "still friends" to mean "not enemies" vs "besties". why not distance yourself a bit from your ex. Are you hoping to be a hanger on to him so he will get back together with you?

    You don't need "closure" with a guy you have a crush on.

    I would stop going over there and make new friends.

    This guy if he has a brain in his head is not going to approach you. you are his buddie's ex.

    If time passes and you are not around anymore -- maybe then if your ex gives his blessing, he will notice you are not around and contact you.

    But i think your relationship breaking up is too new. Do you think you are attached to this guy to hold onto your ex's world in some way?

  3. #3
    If you noticed I did state that I ceased going over to my ex's place months ago. I don't recall saying I didn't have other friends, but again I definitely said I no longer hang out over there. Thirdly, you can't tell people that they don't need closure, and that's also not what I was asking at all. I will have closure thank you...

  4. #4
    And no, I have made it clear that I have no intention of getting back with my ex...so to answer your last question no

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  6. #5
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    It's going to get weird if you start dating your exes new roommate. What do you feel for the roommate? Real feelings or "he's hot and this is a good way to stick it to my ex."

  7. #6
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Your thought process there didn't make sense to me: since the feelings aren't going away, you've decided it might be a good idea to say something about it. People keep their feelings private for any number of reasons indefinitely. It's no reason to share them if they don't go away. The only reason I'm saying this is because I hope you've thought through it properly.

    If you have and you might think it's mutual and there's a shot for a relationship or something reasonable, I don't see why you shouldn't approach him or flirt with him here and there. He and your ex are good friends and roommates. It's not like either of them are on the criminal end of things. If you're comfortable double dipping in the same social pool, I don't see why not. I personally wouldn't but I think some people make it work. Invite some conversation and get to know each other a bit better. I wouldn't jump the gun telling him about your feelings. That's a bit awkward. Work it up and go easy. Good luck.

  8. #7
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Ex's roommate? Depends on the dynamic of the group. I knew this girl that went from friend to friend about 3 times. The friends all seemed to be OK with it, but from what has been posted on the boards over the years...it's not going to go very well. It will be up to the roommate to deal with you ex because he has to live with him. Let the roommate stress over it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Has this roommate shown you any indication whatsoever that he's interested in you?

  10. #9
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    I'm going to say that I think you have some deep rooted, complicated feelings for your ex.

    Why are you fishing around his apartment for new boyfriends? Is this supposed to be some jab at your ex? Do you want his roommate because he's in close proximity and you can prance around your ex to make him uncomfortable whenever the mood strikes?

    I think you should grow up and accept the break up for what it is. I'm fairly certain that him dating one of your friends would make you uncomfortable as well. Specifically if it's someone you LIVE with.

    My take:

    1. Leave the friend alone. You're trying to use him and possibly ruin his friendship/living situation because you've romanticized the idea of getting some weird revenge by prancing around your ex's apartment with his friend. Leave the poor guy out of that toxic behavior.

    2. Let your ex stay comfortable in his own home! You're trying to position yourself in his life in the most intimate way possible: making sure you're hanging around his house and in his life. I think he deserves privacy and he should feel like he can bring home another woman without his ex lurking around.

    3. If anything, back off for yourself. Find someone new! Get that excitement back! You and your ex broke up for a reason, how different can his friend possibly be? What if it's like dating the same guy.

  11. #10
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    I think there's an underlying, subconscious act happening here, and it has everything to do with keeping yourself inserted in your ex's life, either to get him back or hurt him, but keeping him inserted or yourself inserted in his life. I don't think it's malicious or conscious. One reason people fall into affairs is because this outside "grass is always greener" person seems to check all the boxes that offers something that the current significant other is failing at or the relationship is poor. You decided to hang around your ex's place as "friends," stating we're buddies and you don't want him back...is this really true, or have you been hoping for a reconciliation? Are your attentions and attractions misguided to this roommate, since your ex isn't giving you want you ultimately want?

    I think if you separate yourself from this relationship with your ex, you'll find your head clears and this crush you have going on will dissipate. Be honest with yourself on what you want from your ex. You can't go from living together to being "buddies" so easily...there has to be some time to heal, although all people are different...this is just my opinion.

    If you were to date this guy and hang out with him, the dynamics would be strange; it probably wouldn't go over well. The roommate, if he is also attracted, would need to make those decisions because he could lose his housing and a friend over this situation...worth the risk? When your exBF gets upset and jealous, will he suddenly want you back? Will it secretly please you to see what he's missing, and you can basically put it "in his face?"

    How do you think you would feel if your friend and/or roommate decided to date your ex?

    Again, I think your attraction is misguided, and some separation from your ex will probably put things into perspective. Pursue men who are not in your circle. Make sure you understand your own intentions towards your ex. I don't think you need to have any Come to Jesus discussion with your ex's roommate; it's just a crush. Let sleeping dogs lie.

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