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Thread: I want to move but my mum will be alone.

  1. #1
    Member Drake93's Avatar
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    I want to move but my mum will be alone.

    Okay so... I haven't posted about any of this before, and it's my first time on this site. - Not sure if this is the right thread for this but I'll just say anyway. - Also, sorry it's a bit long lol.

    I am currently in a long distance relationship, and he lives in the Netherlands. - Right now, i live with my mum and I am 26 years old. My brother moved away already to Australia (Yes, a long way.) and my Sister also moved away to Scotland a few years back to be with those they love. While I am still here, and one day, I am hoping to move to the Netherlands (It'll also depend on how Brexit turns out...). My mum and dad got a divorce when I was only a young child. So, she mostly devoted looking after us, and she did have some friends back then, before we ended up moving miles away when I was younger. She moved away from that place because she got into a relationship with someone else, and moved here to be closer to him. However, it didn't last... that guy ended up knocking my mum out one day and just left. Like that. Never saw him again after that. And we have been here since the end of 2000...

    My mum has been on the internet, trying to find someone... She did find someone from Sweden at one point. He came over for her, but it was too soon after she split with her other boyfriend, so she couldn't be with that Sweden guy. And another time, she also found someone else from Egypt. She stayed with him for 5 years, never met at all. But he turned out to have lied to her and left for some reason. Same happened not long after, she met someone else from Egypt after that again, same place. And she wasted 5 years on that guy too. Only difference was, she met him in Egypt, as it was her first time going there too. I never really liked that guy to be honest, he was childish a lot. As he was quite young too, in his 20s. (My mum is about 50ish now I think. And she still does look younger than her age.) I always told her that he wasn't good for her, but as they say, love can blind you. He ended up changing drastically after getting a new job, and then lied to her about a lot of stuff. Then he also left for some reason.

    Now she tends to get upset with herself because she wasted 10 years of precious life with them... When she could have done something else. She doesn't work, as she is a depressant... Sp, she doesn't have friends around here. Some days, she ends up getting cider from the local shop, and drinks a full bottle to herself within a day or 2. It can cause some tension between us because I always know when she has been drinking the stuff... - I always have to watch what I say.

    I just want her to have a decent friend really. I mean, we have spoke to her about moving somewhere else and starting anew. But she doesn't really listen etc. Right now, she has been yearning for that affection... a guy to be there for her. I just don't want to leave her alone... I know as people will say, "It's your life that you need to follow." But, it honestly is hard. I don't want her to be alone... it's partly the reason i haven't moved yet, even though I keep saying I will soon... And she might need to move to a smaller home after I move, because she can't afford paying for another Bedroom tax, which is a pain. And she hasn't got money to even move as well... My dad is trying to help her, as luckily, which is rare, they are still good friends. And he tries to help however he can. but there is so much he can do while he lives far away. All her family members live either south or north. Or even in Australia... And if I move soon, then she'll have another who doesn't live close... I always said to her - "Well, you'll also get a cheaper holiday too, as you can come to Netherlands as well." Just to make it seem better.

    Also - My mum does have some hobbies. She is really good on the computer, and love her graphic stuff. It's just trying to push her to keep it up. As she has has a lot of bad experiences. And once that starts, she doesn't have as much confidence in herself at all. Since in the past, she applied for jobs, but always go turned down because of no experience. So, she ends up feeling bad about herself because how else can you get experience other than work... I just want her to be happy, with at least a friend in life. (She has a couple online, but they don't speak that much.) - She did try a course in life as well, met a few people. Made friends. But well... for some reason, they turned their back on her. No idea why. They can be strange around here to be honest... :/ - it makes me depressed seeing her like this... - I myself don't exactly have any friends in life too... I am always in the house myself. But, I have a boyfriend I can go to and live with, so it's not as much of a problem for me...

    Just not sure what else to do... She is a great person when she is sober, caring etc. Just wish she'd try and do something, so I can be at ease to move away and live my own life right now...

    Is there anything else you'd recommend for me to do? Sorry for the long post haha.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You need to live your life and she needs to lead hers. You are not responsible for the fact she isnít. 50ís isnít old. I am in my 50ís. She needs to go to the dr and get the depression and drinking under control and eventually meet a nice LOCAL person.

    You go live your life.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You are not your mother's keeper. She needs to get some medical intervention and get off the booze and learn to be a productive member of society. Get her to see her doctor, he/she will know how to help her and tell her about resources in her area. You need to get on with your life before you turn around one day and you are over 50 and wondering where your life went.

  4. 04-11-2019, 09:42 AM

  5. #4
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure why the trend moving overseas or meeting foreign partners (Netherlands, Australia, Egypt etc.). Sorry but it's not just your mum who seems a bit off with the romantic choices there. What's wrong with the men in the UK? Yes, I do understand the economy is in a slump. Have you ever met this person from the Netherlands? Would you have any better career or work options in the Netherlands? Do you have a plan there besides meeting this guy?

    Everything seems unstable and rocky at home and I'm sensing a lot of (strong or deep) unrest with life in the UK. There's no real footing there and your family seems to be balancing on a precipice. Some members have flown away and others are teetering on bad choices or left behind with plans to leave. I'm not so preoccupied with your mum because at 50 she's survived a lot and has a seen a lot. Mothers (parents generally) are more at ease when they see their children successful. You owe that to yourself as it's inadvertently going to take care of your mother's peace of mind too.

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  7. #5
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Is there not more people in your family? maybe it's time to get together for an intervention. Like most alcoholics, they end up having codependency type relationships, either with a partner or a family member. What you are doing is enabling her behavior...this is a common mistake because you are concerned for her welfare. It's that guilt that keeps you there...wondering what would happen to her, etc and you couldn't live with yourself. Well it's time to have that conversation with her...she needs to get help, meet others that are in the same situation to talk, and feel better that she not alone.

  8. #6
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    Your mother needs to make an effort to make friends (platonic).

    Is she under medical care for her depression? The alcohol is the worst thing she can do for herself. Your mother is an alcoholic. If she can have relationships with all of these men, then why can't she work?

    You need to make you own life. Stop enabling her behavior.

    Does she always go for guys who are 20 years her junior? This is not good!

  9. #7
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    What about suggesting mom move back to where the rest of her family and friends were before she was in the relationship she moved for?

  10. #8
    Bronze Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with others, you need to live your life even if it means you leave to wherever your heart leads you to. The natural course of life is for baby birds to fly away from the nest. It is unnatural for adult children to live with their parents under one roof forever.

    I'm a mother and it's painful to know that eventually children grow up and could very well reside faraway but it happens to millions of people on this Earth. It is sad to only be able to be with family for weddings, funerals, emergencies, final farewells or holidays. However, it is the way it is. Your mother is a big girl and can take care of herself.

    She did her job raising her children and it's time to readjust and make the transition to her empty nest. It won't be easy but eventually she'll grow to enjoy her new freedom.

  11. #9
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    I'm a single mother of two adult children who live several hundred miles away. I would die of humiliation before I'd ask or expect either of them to give up their own lives to keep me company. I got my own life, my own friends and I have a job.

    Maybe your mother doesn't make any real effort because she's gotten dependent on you always being around. Maybe if you left she'd start having her own life.

  12. #10
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    What about suggesting mom move back to where the rest of her family and friends were before she was in the relationship she moved for?
    I was thinking the exact same thing!

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