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I'm having doubts if my relationship with her isn't a mistake.


impaired

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M25 here

 

I'm not good in writing such posts so I will get straight to the point. I'm having doubts, more and more doubts with the time passing by. Recently we started to argue more and more about 'little' things, at least thats how she sees it and that it is completely my fault. To make it clear, I'm not saying its just her fault.

 

For obvious reasons lets name my SO (F20) as S, her sister (F17) as O and her SO (M23) as N, and my SO girl friend (F20) as J.

 

I will start from the very beginning. It was all fine when we started dating and finally were officially together, she wanted me despite I told her I'm not as she sees me, that I'm caring (often too much) and I have some strict boundaries/rules. Yet she wanted to be with me, she asked for us to be together (not saying I didn't want to). Our first fight was over her joining some kind of temporary army thing. She informed me that she is signing up for it, that she discussed this with her girl friend ( J ) and she wants to try it. She didn't ask for my opinion (not permission, as I have no rights to let or not let her do anything), she just stated that she will do it anyway. We had fight, she didn't really know much about that army thing, only that they will pay her about 150$ for being 'ready to be called on duty' and for spending 1 week/month in training camp. I asked her many questions about it, she didn't know the answers, so I started reading about it more, asked few my friends as they used to take part in that armythingy. She started having health issues (shortness of breath, pain in chest and dizziness), I asked her to think again about her plans and talk about it with me, see a doctor in the first place. She refused, said I'm paranoid and I can't stop her when she planned something. Fine, I accepted it, didn't want to fight over it. During recruitment she was rejected due to health issues.

 

Fast forward 2 months ago. She still didn't go to doctor. I've asked her multiple times to go and get diagnosed, I offered that I can be there with her all the time if she will be okay with that, made it clear that I wont leave her no matter what happens. Then out of nothing she tell me that she wants to get a tattoo (big one) on her back, again no discussion, just a statement. I told her I'm not okay with it. I'm the big baddie again. She kept looking at tattoos and changed her mind over the week that she is going to make sleeve. (kind of worth noting, she is short on money, like... in debt for 250$ that I gave her so she wouldn't get in trouble - and I'm not even considering asking for that money back). I again told her I'm not okay with it, that again she ignored my opinion and didn't even talk about it with me. I brought up her health issues, she says she has no time to tall the clinic to make an appointment, I got angry and told her that if she has time to be staring at her phone and look for tattoos she has the time to call the clinic as its been 3 months since she started having problems that only gets worse. Again argument that I don't understand her and I'm overreacting. I didn't tell her she can't have that tattoo, just that I'm not okay with her not talking about it with me when she talks about it with her sister ( O ) and friends.

 

Another fast forward 1 month ago. She told me that she is going abroad to work during holidays. That she is going with her friend ( J ), that they both have a plan already and everything is almost set up. I got upset that she again didn't include me in her plans and ignored my persona. Again I'm the bad one, not understanding one cause she needs money for studies later this year. Again I try to explain her, that I'm not prohibiting her, but I'm not okay with her AGAIN not discussing anything with me, but with her friend ( J ). Like a week after that, she calls me and tells me that in the end of may she is going on vacation with her sister ( O ) and friend ( J ). Again, plans made with friend, not including me or my opinion. I got a bit upset but said ok, I'm fine with that. Later she confessed that she didn't ask me to go with her 'cause she didn't want if I wanted. I replied with that if she asked me, she would know by my answer. Again argument with me being the ass.

 

Plot twist and time jump back to February. Her sister ( O ) met her boyfriend ( N ) at the start of February. I've noticed that nearly every day after work/school (yes long term technicall school) my SO is going with her sister to her BF. I said I'm not okay with that, that she has exams this year and instead of spending this time with them she could be learning. blahblahblah I don't wanna be alone with my mum at home - okay. Soon it started to be irritating, she is with me and in every conversation HE ( N ) comes up. Every day she tell me something about him. I told her I'm not okay with her spending that much time with her sister when he is around. It came to the point where she would not tell me that she is with them or that she is going to his apartment (with her sister). Like 3 weeks ago she told me that she is going to ( N ) sister birthdayparty with ( N ) and ( O ) even when she didn't even know her. I again told her that I'm not okay with her spending that much time with him and its getting too much. Argument again that I don't understand her, that I'm jealous and pathetic. Some time ago she was in another city visiting friend and had troubles arranging her trip back to hometown, and came up with an idea that ( N ) could sleep her over or driver her back to home. Lately she slipped and it came out that she was washing her hair there few times, I got angry and said that I'm totally not okay with that and its over the line that she is not even telling me she is there. We again got a fight, she called my behaviour pathetic and jealous again so I told her that if she is going to call me pathetic again I will quit. She replied that if I will get upset by anything related with ( N ) she will quit. She came to my home the same day, we talked and I clearly said that I'm not okay that she is spending so much time there with him around, that she is talking so much about him, that she is jumping (literally) from happiness with HUGE smile and spark in her eyes when she sees him coming despite me standing right next to her (this happened like 2 weeks ago and I just let her hand go), that I'm not okay she is not telling me many things, that she is literally not telling me anything. Again I'm the one not undestanding jealous . She stayed for 3 days, and the 3rd day she told me she is going to get back home late as she will go to ( N ) where her sister is and she wants to get back home with her, not alone in the bus. I asked her what if her sister will stay there for the night, she said that she wouldn't stay there and just get back home alone then. Well ok, I didn't mind that, she told me at least so huge step forward.

 

Yesterday she finished work and waited 1hour for her sister in town, so they would get back home right before midnight - again no problem from me. Just asked her to keep me in the loop. Not so long before her bus I ask her if she is ready for the go and she just tells me that she is staying there with her sister and her BF. I got upset that she clearly said she wouldn't sleep over there, that I'm not okay with what she is doing. Again I'm the , just like always. She sees nothing wrong from her side. Late night yestarday she told me that ( N ) gave a proposition that four of us can go on 3 day trip as a group of 14 ppl. I asked her who these ppl are, and it appears they are all his family and friends. I asked if she know them, and it looks like she doesn't know only 4 of them. While she knows no friends of mine... I asked her few times if she would want to meet my friends, she never seemed interested. Yet she knows friends and family of her sister's SO.

 

Another plot twist. Whenever I call her, I ask if she is busy, not a single time she said she can't talk right now. Also most of the time when we are talking on the phone, she is also talking with her friend or sister face to face and keeps ignoring me even for few minutes straight, few times during one call. I told her I 'm not okay with that, and that if she wants to talk with her sister or friend she can just tell me and I wont mind. Similar situation when she is with me alone. She can't leave her phone. Always texting with her friend ( J ) or sister. Or talking on the phone with sister for 40 minutes. She is spending everyday with her friend and sister, only some weekends with me. Yet she doesn't give me her attention.

 

Another thing. She is not talking to me about issues. Like... never? Last time I was helping her preparing to exams and she just got upset when I asked her if she can do few example tests before we see eachother next time. I asked few times whats wrong, what did I say wrong. No response. Full ignore mode - all is fine. 30 minutes no talking. So I got really angry and told her that I'm done, I'm done and if she is not going to start talking with me now and in general about any issues our relationship is over and I'm quitting. Then she got angry and made it all look like its my fault. Whole thing was that she 'has no time to do it at home and I should know that'. Yea... like sitting on phone makes you have no time for more important activities... At least we started talking and she stayed for 2 more days.

 

One more thing that we had argument about. She needed new job as she lost her last one. I offered I can help her and ask some friends, search the internet etc. She refused my help. But accepted help from sister's SO. I got upset again obviously.

 

Thank you all who made it from the top to the end. I didn't expect it to be that long. I'm not even sure if I wanted to vent or I'm looking for some sort of help. But what I would like to know is wether I should accept trip offer or no? What is your opinion ?

 

 

TL;DR: My girlfriend is not discussing things with me and is spending lots of time with her sister when sister's SO is around and it is making me uncomfortable.

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Your thought process is very logical and your requests are reasonable in a vacuum but they are not appropriate. I'm saying this with respect and consideration for you because I think a lot like you but have had to dumb down that logic over the years because people don't work that way. You can approach your work in this way but you won't get very far in relationships. I'll be very honest: you come across as heavyhanded, controlling and have assumed an almost parental role with your girlfriend which is quite weird and off kilter from an outsider's perspective. The more she resists you, the more you demand out of her. This is not a healthy way to continue and just creates more and more friction between the both of you. Put the logic stick down for awhile and start looking at the picture as a whole.

 

I'm also picking up strong insecurities on your part regarding other men even though your gf has not displayed any untrustworthy traits. At the very most, she's shying away from you because you come across as heavyhanded and cold in your logic. She doesn't talk to you because she's just not comfortable with your reactions. I don't feel like you trust her and you have difficulties trusting in general. She needs a chance to prove to you that she can be her own person without you hovering over her telling her what's best for her.

 

Her studies and her work and her body are her business. No matter how much of a friend or a boyfriend you want to be, no matter how much you love her, you should know this rule that crossing over and judging or verbalizing anything about a woman's career or her body are total landmines. The gates are open for comments but be very aware that in almost every direction you go in once inside those gates, you will be blown up in some way or another. Proceed with caution. Depending on the nature of your relationship and how comfortable you are with each other, most couples who are bonded and close get away wtih some comments. In your case, there is almost total discomfort and lack of trust. DO NOT GO THERE. This relationship is simply not close enough to broach some topics. I'd suggest you communicate more with her and instead of telling her what you want or what you think, ask her what she thinks and trust in her thought process and her decisions. You cannot control her like a remote control or an automated doll. You'll have to let her be her own person. If you're not ready to do this, I'm afraid you aren't ready to date or put your trust in another person. Go easy.

 

Those are just my two cents. I hope you feel better soon.

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@Rose Mosse

I really appreciate your opinion and what you said in general. Although I don't agree with most of it. I'm not trying to control her, you seem to be confusing controlling someone with just regular respect within relationship. Lately I noticed many ppl confuse 'talking about something/asking for opinion' with 'talking to get permission', thats not the point. I'm not about to control her like remote pilot. Her decisions with her being her, sure. But why does that mean I am not included in decision making while her friend/sister is? I'm always trying to be there for her, talk with her, I'm always talking, always about to get things easy and by soft talking. I always control myself not to lash out with my temper. You suggest me to communicate with her more? While she is the one not communicating. Ask her what she thinks about what? I always share my ideas/plans/my whole day with her, always ask for her opinion even on dumbest things, and I always consider her opinion. She doesn't do that at all with me. Never ask, never talk about anything 'important' or just regular questions for opinion. Most of the time it ends with 'thats not important' while she was literally having hard time. She wouldn't share it with me, but with friend/sister or even sister's SO. Not saying you are wrong! I'm heavyhanded, I have my rules, she knew that for 5 years before we got together, I warned her about everything, she knew about every argument I had with anyone, she was my best friend and we both wanted more.

 

@Nickel Speed

Thing is we both want to be together, I know its common. I want her to see it from my point. I see her point, at least I'm trying to. She doesn't even try...

 

Today she agreed to try to work on it. Any advice how to 'make her' see from my point? How to change the way she sees it? Again, I don't want to control her, I just want to be part of her life, kept in the loop, not just BF when its convinient for her.

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I'm sorry if it seems I've misunderstood you. I'm suggesting for you to let her make her own decisions without always having such a strong opinion. I'm not saying you can't have an opinion but you're going to have to learn when not to say anything either and let people be. You're not her chaperone or her guardian. You also shouldn't be giving her money if you know you're going to be resentful about her money management skills. The problem is you keep overextending yourself and think you're doing a favour by doing so. Sometimes less is more. Let her come to you. If she doesn't want to speak to you so often, it's just the way she is. Not all couples discuss every single thing and different items may hold different importance to others.

 

I don't feel she respects you and I think you know that too. It hurts you but I think it's better to step back and not cause more frustration for yourself. If she's not the mature young lady you hoped she would be, you really ought to think twice about whether this relationship is right for you. The way you're behaving right now or the way you feel doesn't make you look attractive and it brings out the worst in you. You don't deserve that either.

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@Rose Mosse

I might have misunderstood something. I don't have any opinion on any matter since she doesn't discuss with me anything. I'm giving her money 'cause she needs it, when she asks if she could lend some from me, I just do it. I've never said bad thing about her money management, its not that. She is still in school (extended course, no idea how to name it) her mom is not giving her anything, she gets only 300 (its called alimony I believe) from which she needs to spend half for tickets and for her 1st need supplies. When she is short on money, I just help her out if she asks for that. Never pushing it. I know I mentioned she is working, thats true but she aint making enough to spend it on herself and sister (sister is younger and can't find any work, also not getting any money from mother). She never had 'parents', no good example in home. Not judging her by home/financial/family status, I don't care abut it, never did.

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There is one phrase that appears, over and over, throughout your very long post.

 

That phrase? "I told her I'm not okay with it."

 

Yes, relationships require communication; yes, there are moments when we are "not okay" with something, and we bring it up. But judging from your timeline is sounds like this is essentially the default state—you not being okay with something, then not being okay with how she responds to you, and so on.

 

Conclusion? You two are not okay together.

 

Keep ignoring that conclusion? Well, I think that's what you've been doing, and that's why people here—along with your gf—are using the word "controlling." It is not simply a matter of you trying to "control" her actions, but trying to "control" the shape of the relationship even as it continuously proves itself to be a different shape.

 

So, again, a challenge: read through your original post and sub in "We are not okay together" for "I told her I'm not okay with that."

 

Try to look at it that way, accepting it as two people who are incompatible, rather than adding to the very long list of faults you have with her, and I think you'll find the kind of life you're each okay with outside of the relationship.

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Also, I'm just going to say this: She is 20.

 

That is very young, and reading between the lines what I'm kind of detecting is that you want her to be, you know, a bit more mature, a bit more into managing money than getting tattoos, a bit more this, a bit more that.

 

A bit more, to spell it clearly, like you.

 

Well, maybe she gets there, maybe not. But she is her own person, on her own path, and that path is very new. Asking a 20 yr old to be more like a 25 yr old is a losing battle.

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