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Thread: Should I cut this guy off or am I overreacting?

  1. #1
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    Should I cut this guy off or am I overreacting?

    So I've been friends with this guy for a year, but he recently told me had feelings (and I do too). We recently started seeing each other, like we hung out four times last week. I enjoy my time and we recently started fooling around (not sex cause I'm a virgin, which he knows). He helped me heal from my first breakup with my abusive ex & has been there though some hard times. So anyways. I got new hair extensions yesterday. He was like "It actually fits you but it's not your real hair." I was like, what is that supposed to mean? Never said it was. He was like, it's the truth. The truth hurts 😂😂😂" Then I told him what he said it was rude and the equivalent of telling someone that their rented car is nice, but remind them it's not their car. He was like, "did you rent the wig 😂😂😂 okay I'm done having fun." All he said was my bad. Didn't end up replying and he later asked me if I was upset. I told him I was and he was like "okay was joking..guessing it was too much.. didn't mean it. Sorry if you angry" I just told him that I will not take disrespect disguised as jokes nor have my self esteem brought down. Also told him that I will not be taking any types of emotional abuse. He just said "okay my bad, didn't mean it" I just left him on read bc of my nursing exam. Asked my friends & they said it was rude comment. This was on Monday.

    He didn't talk to me at all on Tuesday until he sent me last night that said "wanted to apologize again" I told him it was okay & how I appreciated the apology and he didn't respond. Had an exam today..didn't wish me luck nor ask me how it went. He's only been watching my story. Hasn't talked to me all day as well.

    Just hurts because we've been talking everyday for the past two months and for him to just abruptly stops hurt. He also knows about my past hurts...and for him to do the same. I'm just confused on whether I should block or wait. I don't know man.
    Last edited by oheyitsfaith; 04-11-2019 at 12:35 AM.

  2. #2
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    I'll be honest, I think you're overreacting. He made a stupid comment/joke, but apologized a few times and it sounds like you also gave him the ice treatment. If you are genuinely interested in him, it's also up to you to accept the apology and move forward.

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    Yeah I told him yesterday that it was okay and appreciated the apology. He just read it & didn't respond and hasn't talked to me since.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HealingLight
    I'll be honest, I think you're overreacting. He made a stupid comment/joke, but apologized a few times and it sounds like you also gave him the ice treatment. If you are genuinely interested in him, it's also up to you to accept the apology and move forward.
    I second this post. My vote goes for overreacting too. I don't see anything awful/shocking about ..."It actually fits you but it's not your real hair.". To me he was just stating a fact, yeah, in a rather lame way, lol. Sure, maybe he needs to learn a little tact, but I don't think he meant any harm. I see the humour, but I guess many people would be very offended.

    He apologised several times. Let it go already. Mountains and molehills.

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    I already have. He just apologized twice. I'm just now wondering why he isn't talking to me.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    He isn't talking to you because he stepped on your toes and so now he's being cautious with his next step.


    I think a lot of your behavior and reactions may be a product of your trauma you endured from your past relationship. If I were you, I would step back from even having or pursuing a relationship and deal with the trauma. Usually when you don't address it and you don't find ways to overcome the trauma, they will manifests in negative thoughts/assumptions/reactions/behavior.... which is what it did.

    Almost everyone has had a bad relationship, or many of them... They're there to learn from it, not let it define you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LootieTootie
    He isn't talking to you because he stepped on your toes and so now he's being cautious with his next step.


    I think a lot of your behavior and reactions may be a product of your trauma you endured from your past relationship. If I were you, I would step back from even having or pursuing a relationship and deal with the trauma. Usually when you don't address it and you don't find ways to overcome the trauma, they will manifests in negative thoughts/assumptions/reactions/behavior.... which is what it did.

    Almost everyone has had a bad relationship, or many of them... They're there to learn from it, not let it define you.
    This.

    Honestly, in his shoes I'd be stepping back, nervous about what I was getting myself into. He's probably a little scared to talk to you right now, because he's worried, on some level, that he's going to hurt your feelings by just being himself.

    Disrespect, knocks on self esteem, emotional abuse? That is some major language to throw at someone for making what was, at worst, a tactless remark. I'm not saying that to blame you or to criticize you, but simply to point out that you're not quite healed from your last relationship. Getting romantic with the man who helped you heal may be freezing you in a semi-healed place, one where you're more comfortable defining yourself as the victim of an abusive relationship rather than someone who got over an abusive relationship.

    Not the best dynamic, you know?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by oheyitsfaith
    I just told him that I will not take disrespect disguised as jokes nor have my self esteem brought down. Also told him that I will not be taking any types of emotional abuse.
    This is why he isn't speaking to you now.

    He sees you are easily triggered and he doesn't want to be accused of emotional abuse. My guess is he is realizing you haven't really dealt with your past hurt, and he doesn't wish to be walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting you. You're painting him with the same brush as your ex, which doesn't seem fair. He apologized but he's very likely wondering if relationship isn't a good idea at this time.

    To answer your initial question, yes, I think you overreacted. A lot. I would take a time out on relationships until you have truly had the chance to heal and learn to cope with triggers. For what it's worth, I was once with an emotionally abusive man - but when I started dating again after that relationship ended, I was able to distinguish a misguided comment/joke from a comment truly intended to undermine my self-worth. There is a significant difference, and implying that someone is emotionally abusive is a loaded assumption.

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    I think he is now questioning whether your last relationship was actually an emotionally abusive one or not.

    You have thrown the ďemotional abuseĒ comment at him all because he stated a fact that your long hair isnít actually yours?
    If you are going to accuse someone of being abusive when they havenít , what are you going to tell others about him when you actually have a genuine topic to discuss or disagree on?

    You consider his comment to be rude and equate it to something thatís not rude, telling someone their rented car is nice but not their actual car. So what??

    I think you are not the girl for him, you are way too sensitive for him and thatís why he is pulling back.

    He apologised not because he had something to apologise for but to break the ice and he likely expected you to not accept his apology but actually for you to realise how inappropriate you reacted to something so insignificant.

    I think he has cut you off and the decision is no longer yours to make.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You get mad over that?

    It was a throwaway comment and he didn't mean anything by it.

    You're being far too sensitive.

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