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Thread: What consequences can you give to a spouse who always drop the ball?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Thanks, Bolt... gives me some insight. I'm not sure about contemptuous as opposed to utterly depressed. WTM, you seem so down in all your threads. This one hit me especially: [Register to see the link] I'm not going to forum-diagnose you but I'd definitely suggest you see someone about how you feel and how to better regulate these feelings of isolation and sadness.

    Since you are married now, I'd still emphasize mutual respect and learning to appreciate each other more. Have you tried speaking to a counsellor one on one to deal with your frustrations or how to manage these feelings?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Operate as though you are single, then you won't feel any 'need' to 'assign' anything to your spouse. Assigning is for parents, not spouses. If you want a clean home, then clean it and throw her stuff into a bin in her closet. If you want something done, then do it and enjoy the results. If you have a good relationship with your spouse, then keep it and keep your assignments to yourself. If you have a bad relationship with your spouse, either see if spouse will invest in marriage counseling with you, or find a good lawyer and walk away.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Operate as though you are single, then you won't feel any 'need' to 'assign' anything to your spouse. Assigning is for parents, not spouses. If you want a clean home, then clean it and throw her stuff into a bin in her closet. If you want something done, then do it and enjoy the results. If you have a good relationship with your spouse, then keep it and keep your assignments to yourself. If you have a bad relationship with your spouse, either see if spouse will invest in marriage counseling with you, or find a good lawyer and walk away.
    I am not sure if it's semantics but I think it's important for spouses to discuss what needs to be done around the house regularly and divvy it up in a way that makes sense - for some that will be "equal" for others each spouse will choose the tasks she/he is best at/can tolerate the most, in others like my house when I was home full time I did 90% plus of the housework/cooking that I did although he is far more handy than I am. Now that I am working part time he does more and we have a routine. I don't think it needs to be extensively discussed but certainly I would think the spouses have to talk about what routines should be in place -or who they should hire - to keep the house from being chaos. For example I can't clean my husband's clutter because he wouldn't like that (i..e throw away important stuff) or move it, etc so yes I do ask him to clean up after himself. I'm not assigning. It's my living space too. The alternative -not to ask but rather to toss it in a closet and risk him being upset if he then can't find his stuff or it gets unorganized (yes clutter can have a pattern lol) doesn't seem right or fair to anyone.

  4. #14
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    Sorry, you do not give your spouse a task list. you figure out what needs to be done around the house and you do it -- appreciate whatever they do on the list

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I am not sure if it's semantics but I think it's important for spouses to discuss what needs to be done around the house regularly and divvy it up in a way that makes sense - for some that will be "equal" for others each spouse will choose the tasks she/he is best at/can tolerate the most, in others like my house when I was home full time I did 90% plus of the housework/cooking that I did although he is far more handy than I am. Now that I am working part time he does more and we have a routine. I don't think it needs to be extensively discussed but certainly I would think the spouses have to talk about what routines should be in place -or who they should hire - to keep the house from being chaos. For example I can't clean my husband's clutter because he wouldn't like that (i..e throw away important stuff) or move it, etc so yes I do ask him to clean up after himself. I'm not assigning. It's my living space too. The alternative -not to ask but rather to toss it in a closet and risk him being upset if he then can't find his stuff or it gets unorganized (yes clutter can have a pattern lol) doesn't seem right or fair to anyone.
    Sure, I'm all for divy-ing when it works. When it doesn't, I'm just open to making it easier to stay with the partner or roommate by considering that if I lived alone, it would all be on me to clean it by myself, anyway--or to hire help. So I'd let the person know that while I don't expect them to care about a clean home to the degree that I might, I do intend to regularly clean every area in which I spend time. So they have the option to keep their belongings stored in places of their own choosing, OR, I will move any clutter out of the way to a box in their closet when I need to dust and run the vacuum unimpeded.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Sure, I'm all for divy-ing when it works. When it doesn't, I'm just open to making it easier to stay with the partner or roommate by considering that if I lived alone, it would all be on me to clean it by myself, anyway--or to hire help. So I'd let the person know that while I don't expect them to care about a clean home to the degree that I might, I do intend to regularly clean every area in which I spend time. So they have the option to keep their belongings stored in places of their own choosing, OR, I will move any clutter out of the way to a box in their closet when I need to dust and run the vacuum unimpeded.
    To me there is no "if I lived alone" when two people commit to each other and/or take marriage vows. And moving clutter is not always an option -it is not for me because if I did and his paperwork stuck in there got lost/unorganized that would be bad (and we don't have the right kind of closet space because of his clutter). He does move it when the cleaners come so that works.

    My point is that to me it's not much of a romantic relationship if the couple doesn't work out a way to try to make each other happy and compromise on what works as far as organization/level of cleanliness. It's not just roommates. To me if a roommate isn't living up to what expectations were addressed in advance (or something new crops up and a decision is reached) then they can move out. Certainly in a marriage it can't be done in an assigning/delegating way but if the person is in the role of "employee" because he or she won't compromise and doesn't care about the other person's needs there's a bigger problem. And it's the same problem if the "boss" is "my way or the highway".

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    My point is that to me it's not much of a romantic relationship if the couple doesn't work out a way to try to make each other happy and compromise on what works as far as organization/level of cleanliness. It's not just roommates. To me if a roommate isn't living up to what expectations were addressed in advance (or something new crops up and a decision is reached) then they can move out.
    Yes, this is where context is everything. In an otherwise lousy relationship, it's beside the point. The relationship already sucks, so if one wants to use a lack of household cooperation as an excuse to get out of it, so be it. If a relationship is otherwise happy and thriving, we each get to decide whether poor household performance 'must' wreck that, or not. To some it represents love or respect or any other characteristics they want to project onto it, while to others, it's a non-issue.

    There are no rules, judges or juries other than the ones we each elect to carry into the situation. One can choose misery because they can't get another to conform to their expectations of performance. For me, it would be irrelevant, simply because I would make it so--and presto! I get to put in the elbow grease or the hiring, AND I get to enjoy the relationship for all else that matters to me.

    If duties are a dealbreaker for someone, then there they are. But this doesn't mean that no other choices are possible--it's their own bar.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Yes, this is where context is everything. In an otherwise lousy relationship, it's beside the point. The relationship already sucks, so if one wants to use a lack of household cooperation as an excuse to get out of it, so be it. If a relationship is otherwise happy and thriving, we each get to decide whether poor household performance 'must' wreck that, or not. To some it represents love or respect or any other characteristics they want to project onto it, while to others, it's a non-issue.

    There are no rules, judges or juries other than the ones we each elect to carry into the situation. One can choose misery because they can't get another to conform to their expectations of performance. For me, it would be irrelevant, simply because I would make it so--and presto! I get to put in the elbow grease or the hiring, AND I get to enjoy the relationship for all else that matters to me.

    If duties are a dealbreaker for someone, then there they are. But this doesn't mean that no other choices are possible--it's their own bar.
    So it's not always "projecting" -for example, I feel for those wives whose husbands throw their laundry on the floor when baskets are readily available, or expect to be waited on hand and foot IF the wife communicates that this is not ok (for example I have no issue whether my husband puts his dirty laundry in the basket/machine or in our designated "dirty clothes" spot or even leaves something around once in awhile -I just go through the house retrieving whatever is up for laundry day). So if the wife tells the husband to just put it a few inches away in a basket or a few feet and he just couldn't give a crap, then it's not projecting -he IS acting in a disrespectful way to her barring another reasonable excuse (meaning he apologizes to her that he was forgetful, or that tossing it was easier because he had a backache that day, sorry). I wouldn't put it all on the spouse with "expectations" nor would I think that spouse is necessarily "projecting."

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