Confused wife needs help.

Hi everyone, I don’t know how to feel anymore or if I’m right or wrong so please help me out.

Im an accomplished, educated female (33) and my husband (32) is a foreign educated (associate degree) with minimum English. We’ve been together for 1.5 years. When we met he was a cab driver and i saw potential in him. I paid to start a business for him and tried to get him to learn English and encouraged him to take a course in anything that he liked.

Sadly he is happy with earning bare minimum, saying he doesn’t want to go back to school and he may want to expand his business which is not successful yet. He doesn’t contribute much or not at all and i am paying the bills as well as his business expenses.

I work 8-10 hour days and try to cook and clean. He doesn’t do household chores until i start nagging at him. He wastes his days smoking (promised to quit million times), eating alot, looking around on Instagram and not exercising or doing anything worthwhile. Sex has seriously gone down as he cannot keep an erection anymore at 33.

 

 

His good qualities are he’s loyal, kind to my family, doesn’t yell or swear at me. Whenever i tell him that we’re incompatible and I’m done with him he says I’m leaving him due to lack of good sex or cause I have money. He just refuses to acknowledge that he has no motivation and ambition in life. During past year i have paid for everything (vacations, his business, our household expenses and his lifestyle) expecting him to use the resources and at least learn English or come up with a plan but nothing. Im often embarrassed of him in public as he can’t hold a normal conversation and says nonsense that is not scientifically proven.

 

 

Am I expecting too much?

I have asked him to move out and he became frantic and accused me of being a bigot and holding over his head how I’ve paid for everything and how I wanted him only for sex. Please help me and give me your thoughts.

Some of your words are a bit heavy, Sarah.. "accomplished/educated" vs "earning bare minimum", "saw potential in him" or being embarrassed with him in public. I understand you're upset but you're really looking down on this guy for his job and what he's doing, even what he says in public. It's not a very healthy place. If you're living in the marriage on what ifs and should bes, this isn't the way to go. I'm sorry to have to say that. I don't think the both of you married for the right reasons. You have every right to step back from the marriage and have a good think about whether this is something you want long term. I don't think you're expecting too much but you did pledge vows. Now would be the time to remember why you married him(not just the items above). If you feel like you've made a mistake you should be honest with each other, no more threats or put downs or opportunities to embarrass each other or hurt each other. Really sit down and speak kindly and respectfully to each other about your differences.

Some of your words are a bit heavy, Sarah.. "accomplished/educated" vs "earning bare minimum", "saw potential in him" or being embarrassed with him in public. I understand you're upset but you're really looking down on this guy for his job and what he's doing, even what he says in public. It's not a very healthy place.

This is the first thing I noticed about the OP, too. Glad I wasn't the only one. A marriage is always going to be tough and finances are at heart of a lot of marital issues. But there's no law that says the husband has to be the one making more money. It doesn't seem to be a very healthy place that either of you are in. Don't keep saying you're incompatible without doing something about it. It's an accusation that never goes anywhere. If anyone told me that, then I'd ask why they don't just leave. But maybe that's what you are hoping for.

 

Good luck, OP, to you and your husband.

He doesn’t contribute much or not at all and i am paying the bills as well as his business expenses.

Tell me, Sarah: Why would a man that has everything given to him have to change a thing?

 

You enable his unmotivation, particularly because you even gave him a business to dally in that allows him to coast while you take up the slack.

 

I think you should get yourself out of this situation so that this man can either learn to swim or he'll sink. You enabling is actually quite selfish because you're not giving him reason to better himself when he has someone acting as his mom and spoiling him rotten.

 

You say you "saw potential in him." What was it that gave you that idea when he's turned out to be such a dud?

 

See a lawyer and find out your rights. He's your husband now so hopefully he won't take you for half of everything you've worked for.

This marriage was doomed from the get-go...

 

Maybe you two are at different levels, but when you are in a relationship, you both should consider each as equal. It seems like neither of you do that...

 

If you feel that you can't stop scorning him, you need to find an amicable way to go your own merry way.

I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but your post sounds snobbish, OP. You're accomplished...he speaks minimal English.

 

You're embarrassed of him in public.

 

You saw potential in him..."Sadly" he is happy earning bare minimum...because who he was already wasn't enough? Not everybody has to make more money to be happy. Granted, people who make less have to make less expensive lifestyle choices. And if he isn't doing anything worthwhile then I agree with TWT that you're enabling him. However, you seem very image-conscious and like it's more important to impress people.

 

Regardless...I don't know you or him. And it's not easy to post your problems on a public forum. imo what it comes down to is that you two are too different. You will only get more frustrated with him as time goes on, and as for him, well, who knows? I know it's not easy to just divorce, but all I'm saying is that if you do, he won't be your problem anymore. Just make sure you protect yourself financially.

You wanted a project, not a husband.

 

you cannot be resentful for not taking him at face value. He is the same person that he was you met.

The person to blame is you.

Of course he can't get a erection - his wife has no respect for him.

 

So either leave him or accept him for exactly who he is.

He wants to drive a cab, just make enough to get by, etc.

You've been together a year and a half and you're already married?

 

Under what circumstances did you meet, and why did you get married so quickly? I don't want to leap to a conclusion, being an expat in a foreign country myself, but did he need marriage to remain in the country where you live? You mentioned he can't speak English well, so I am curious how long he's lived in your area and if continued residency was a motivating factor in marrying so soon. Also, do you speak his mother tongue? If not, how well can you two really communicate?

 

My point in asking these question is to understand why you married him and how well you actually knew him before tying the knot. You want him to be someone he just isn't.

I actually think that yes, maybe you made a mistake in thinking that you could drastically change someone. In fact you can't really change people even a little, especially if they don't actually want to change. It is an easy mistake to make though because I dated someone with absolute zero ambition who did literally nothing with themselves for almost two years. I loved them and kept trying to help in various ways to get a job, etc. but to no avail. In the end I ended the relationship because I realised this person did not actually want to change and there was nothing I could do.

 

I have to say that I would not be happy to be with someone who brings almost nothing to the relationship financially, intellectually and sexually. I agree that times have changed and a man doesn't have to earn more than a woman in a relationship, but preferably it's probably better if the financial contribution is about 50/50, give or take.

 

That's what my fiance and I do. He earns more than me and does offer to pay a bit more for stuff sometimes but mostly we pay half each for all our expenses. I think if one person basically financially supports the other person (in this case it's you), sooner or later they are likely to begin resenting their partner. There are people who are a "Sugar Mummy" or "Sugar Daddy", but normally that arrangement is established first. Also normally the "sugar" person would be significantly older and very well off. That is not the case here.

 

I think your husband probably does just take you and your financial support for granted and it doesn't seem like he's willing to contribute. I think the fact that he doesn't want to try to learn more English IS off putting because he's in a country where people speak English and he needs to communicate with you, his actual wife. Learning English is an important part of enhancing your relationship and if he doesn't care to do that then how much does he really care about the relationship?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he only married you to stay in the country and he did want a "Sugar Mummy". In a sense like a mail order husband.

 

You don't seem happy with him at all so I would say end the relationship and get a divorce.

Sarah, i'm sorry but everyone is right. I know you just wanted to help him better himself, but you are trying to completely change someone who doesn't want to change. You're trying to mold him into what YOU want, but it's not what he wants. Why should he change? He is who he is and he's happy with that. You should be happy if he's happy. You should accept a person for who he is, not for what you want to turn them into. I know you want him to have some ambition in his life and that's great, but if he doesn't want that then you can't really force it.

You wanted a project, not a husband.

 

you cannot be resentful for not taking him at face value. He is the same person that he was you met.

The person to blame is you.

Of course he can't get a erection - his wife has no respect for him.

 

So either leave him or accept him for exactly who he is.

He wants to drive a cab, just make enough to get by, etc.

 

I am agreeing wholeheartedly with what is written above and the other input you received is right on target too. I am also "well educated" and all the rest of what you say you have -and I knew myself and knew I wanted someone with compatible educational values and career values/work ethic. A person not a project. This meant foregoing opportunities to date some very good, well-intentioned, well-meaning people who also were quite attractive, etc because I knew they wouldn't be a good match for me as far as goals and values. Sometimes I would go on a few dates just to confirm but that's it.

 

Let him find his match -either a woman who wants to provide for him or a woman who is content to live within the means he can provide. No judging. My sense is he is behaving this way -immaturely -because of how you described your dynamic when you met, and after.

"well educated " does not equal better than everyone else, just fyi.

Some people have different needs in life and you need to accept that. If he's happy making minimum wage and living his life as is, leave him be! It almost sounds like you're saying YOU'RE disappointed in HIS life and I think putting him down because you're not satisfied with HIS life is extremely mean spirited.

 

You clearly have different needs and your needs clearly aren't being met. Do you want the man or do you want the lifestyle? What if he never goes to school and makes the same salary for the rest of his life? Are you going to nag at him about it forever?

 

Maybe find someone else.

 

Nagging at this man because you clearly feel he's not good enough/providing enough for you is stupid. Who the hell deserves that? If you're unhappy find someone else and give him the chance to find someone who doesnt care about the material aspects of life. Someone who wants to live life WITH him even if that means he makes 2 pennies an hour.

find someone else and give him the chance to find someone who doesnt care about the material aspects of life. Someone who wants to live life WITH him even if that means he makes 2 pennies an hour.

Well, as long as she's floating him, handing him a business, and all the room and board he needs... he'll enjoy all the "material aspects of life" and won't even have to earn that much!

I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE, I just want to say this... Having a degree or knowing a certain language doesn't make you BETTER than someone else.

 

He's not incompetent, he's foreign! He's in a different country that uses a different language. Why the hell would you feel EMBARRASSED about someone speaking another language?

You can have a Spanish speaking doctor and a English speaking doctor...Guess what? They're both still doctors! The language doesn't mean there's less thought floating around in their head.

 

I found that offensive.

 

You do realize that there are homeless people that HAVE degrees right? A degree doesn't guarantee wealth. There are a lot of people (degree holding people) that struggle every day.

 

Please learn how to live WITH your husband and not against him. The world is already so cruel and unfair, he shouldn't have to worry about his spouse feeling embarrassed that he speaks a different language. That statement alone just broke my heart.

She may be nagging him to improve himself but he's using her as he enjoys the fruits of her labor. Two wrongs going on here.

"Try to live with him" Uhm, no... that's enabling him to be the unmotivated user he is.

Well, as long as she's floating him, handing him a business, and all the room and board he needs... he'll enjoy all the "material aspects of life" and won't even have to earn that much!

You have a point but the structure of this makes it almost impossible for me to side with OP. She sounds entitled and clearly wants a business partner and not a husband. Instead of leveling with him, exploring with him, setting him up in a situation where he can maybe find other passions, she's trying to make him feel inadequate. He said he is happy as is. End of story.

 

She can either level with him and compromise or slowly resent him like shes doing right now.

She may be nagging him to improve himself but he's using her as he enjoys the fruits of her labor. Two wrongs going on here.

"Try to live with him" Uhm, no... that's enabling him to be the unmotivated user he is.

I was under the impression that he has a job and works. That is contributing. Maybe he could contribute more around the house (that's reasonable) but if he's working, he's contributing. She can ask him to get a new job if they're not making ends meet but asking him to go to school is kind of pushing it.

You have a point but the structure of this makes it almost impossible for me to side with OP. She sounds entitled

Why do you think she sounds entitled, because she says she's accomplished? She's painting a picture of the disparity in life stages between her and her unmotivated husband. That's not being "entitled" its just stating a fact. Or, am I wrong in why you think she sounds entitled?

 

and clearly wants a business partner and not a husband.

Perhaps she just wants an equal but unfortunately she married a stranger and just found out they are anything BUT equal.

 

Instead of leveling with him, exploring with him, setting him up in a situation where he can maybe find other passions, she's trying to make him feel inadequate. He said he is happy as is. End of story.

End of story? Sorry, I don't agree. There isn't a person here that would give up as quick at that without trying to remedy. Unfortunately the Op went about it the wrong way by being like a mother and giving him everything (including setting him up in some sort of business) instead of seeing if he could improve his lot or if he even wanted to. Lots of moms make the mistake of giving everything and the kids learning that they don't have to do much to get everything they want.

 

She can either level with him

I think she's done that and he's told her, as you have mentioned that he's "happy as is" (or at being the user he actually is)

 

and compromise or slowly resent him like shes doing right now.

Compromise? That word in it's definition means that both people have to be giving up something and come to a happy medium. You've said. If he's happy the way things are "End of" There is no compromise in that conclusion.

 

Anyway, Op is getting crapped on and I will say that she went about trying to get him to compromise in the totally wrong way in her enabling actions but she's not the only devil in the hell that they've been living in as husband and wife.

Have you determined whose paying for this schooling you want? He can't work a full time job and then turn around and be a full time student at the same time. That is a bit unreasonable.

 

Sending him to school will mean you'll end up having to pick up even more slack. He'll have classes to go to. Tuition to pay. Homework to do. Studying to do. You're clearly uncomfortable with that already.

 

You sound like the type of person that needs to see pay off instantly. A degree takes time. Even then, after graduation you have to find a job and that isn't easy. It could take time

 

School isnt easy and sadly the older you are, the more difficult it gets.

 

What about loans? Paying back student loans. You're married. His debt will essentially become your debt. What if he bulls his way through school because he didnt want to go in the first place. What if he needs extra help and you have to pay for a tutor. What if he graduates but needs to do an unpaid internship to get his foot in the door? You already dont sound committed. Can't imagine how you'd react to the inconvenience getting a degree has.

Hi everyone, I don’t know how to feel anymore or if I’m right or wrong so please help me out.

Im an accomplished, educated female (33) and my husband (32) is a foreign educated (associate degree) with minimum English. We’ve been together for 1.5 years. When we met he was a cab driver and i saw potential in him. I paid to start a business for him and tried to get him to learn English and encouraged him to take a course in anything that he liked.

Sadly he is happy with earning bare minimum, saying he doesn’t want to go back to school and he may want to expand his business which is not successful yet. He doesn’t contribute much or not at all and i am paying the bills as well as his business expenses.

I work 8-10 hour days and try to cook and clean. He doesn’t do household chores until i start nagging at him. He wastes his days smoking (promised to quit million times), eating alot, looking around on Instagram and not exercising or doing anything worthwhile. Sex has seriously gone down as he cannot keep an erection anymore at 33.

 

 

His good qualities are he’s loyal, kind to my family, doesn’t yell or swear at me. Whenever i tell him that we’re incompatible and I’m done with him he says I’m leaving him due to lack of good sex or cause I have money. He just refuses to acknowledge that he has no motivation and ambition in life. During past year i have paid for everything (vacations, his business, our household expenses and his lifestyle) expecting him to use the resources and at least learn English or come up with a plan but nothing. Im often embarrassed of him in public as he can’t hold a normal conversation and says nonsense that is not scientifically proven.

 

 

Am I expecting too much?

I have asked him to move out and he became frantic and accused me of being a bigot and holding over his head how I’ve paid for everything and how I wanted him only for sex. Please help me and give me your thoughts.

 

I'm curious to know what would an accomplished and educated woman want with a man that she's embarrassed to be around in public? It's an honest question and I'm not looking to throw shade as some of the previous contributors. What led you to him? What attracted you to this man? In order to purchase a home, a new car or establish a line of credit, you must qualify and I believe that to be true in the dating world. You must be qualified, and right now (according to you) he doesn't qualify and evidently never did. However, instead of blaming him for his lack of motivation or enthusiam, perhaps you should look within yourself to ask how you ended up dating a man not right for you. Guess who's winning?

 

Good luck.

From the Opening Post:

I work 8-10 hour days and try to cook and clean. He doesn’t do household chores until i start nagging at him. He wastes his days smoking (promised to quit million times), eating alot, looking around on Instagram and not exercising or doing anything worthwhile. Sex has seriously gone down as he cannot keep an erection anymore at 33.

... *shrugs* ...

From the Opening Post: ... *shrugs* ...

My question is: She clearly thinks this man is a piece of , why is she still with him? She wants to fix this guy and mold him into the husband she wants and he's clearly not having it.

My question is: She clearly thinks this man is a piece of , why is she still with him? She wants to fix this guy and mold him into the husband she wants and he's clearly not having it.

Well, that's different then painting her a nagging shrew who hasn't given him a chance to remedy his slothy, unmotivated, usery. Yes... a good question is why is she still with him... My guess, is because she has codependency issues and she's a fixer by nature. Either that or she married him to keep him in the country and she'd be charged with something if they don't stay married for a certain length of time deemed appropriate by immigration. Just a guess on the latter reason but I think the former may be very close on the money.

 

Cheers.

Why do you think she sounds entitled, because she says she's accomplished? She's painting a picture of the disparity in life stages between her and her unmotivated husband. That's not being "entitled" its just stating a fact. Or, am I wrong in why you think she sounds entitled?

 

Perhaps she just wants an equal but unfortunately she married a stranger and just found out they are anything BUT equal.

 

End of story? Sorry, I don't agree. There isn't a person here that would give up as quick at that without trying to remedy. Unfortunately the Op went about it the wrong way by being like a mother and giving him everything (including setting him up in some sort of business) instead of seeing if he could improve his lot or if he even wanted to. Lots of moms make the mistake of giving everything and the kids learning that they don't have to do much to get everything they want.

 

I think she's done that and he's told her, as you have mentioned that he's "happy as is" (or at being the user he actually is)

 

Compromise? That word in it's definition means that both people have to be giving up something and come to a happy medium. You've said. If he's happy the way things are "End of" There is no compromise in that conclusion.

 

Anyway, Op is getting crapped on and I will say that she went about trying to get him to compromise in the totally wrong way in her enabling actions but she's not the only devil in the hell that they've been living in as husband and wife.

Just because she's accomplished doesn't mean he isn't to some degree. I'm not saying she sounds entitled because she's claiming shes accomplished, I'm saying that she sounds entitled because she thinks just because she's accomplished, everyone around her needs to be at her level or they're an embarrassment and she should feel embarrassed sharing their presence with other people.

 

She's taking the fact she has a degree and she's using it to degrade him. I'm working on my degree right now and I'm single, just because I have a degree doesn't mean my future spouse will. It doesn't mean I'm better than them either. It just means we have different opinions on what's important.

 

I got my degree to make myself feel accomplished but that doesn't mean that someone without a degree isn't accomplished. It's a personal choice and he's verbalized that he's happy living life as is.

 

I'm only hard on her because I find that fact she feels better than someone else simply because she has a degree kind of insane.

 

I also took offense to her language comment. I crawl around the internet a lot but that had to be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard! She is embarrassed because her spouse was born somewhere else and speaks another language. That logic? Idk. So I guess if placed Albert Einstein in the middle of a reservation where the tribe speaks a different language, he automatically loses all his genius powers and becomes dumb as a rock because he's unable to communicate well with this one specific group of people.

 

Funny thing about mankind: we can't all communicate with each other equally. Just the way it is... doesn't mean we're stupid or an embarrassment