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Thread: Having a hard time deciding to move on/get her back and how to do it

  1. #1
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    Having a hard time deciding to move on/get her back and how to do it

    Hello everyone,

    Thanks in advance for reading. I'll keep the post short and to the point.

    My ex (26) and I (28) broke up a month ago after a 3.5 year relationship. The reason due to her was that she wasn't physically/sexually interested any longer. She has always been this way in previous relationship, getting interested in other men after a certain period. Just today she told me that we've also seem to have grown apart little by little (which I'm not really sure about, we are still rather similar to the start of the relationship imo). We pretty much never fought however. The sex wasn't great, and it has to do with my self-confidence and not being in my masculine energy. We did have an intense emotional connection. She told me we truly have a soul connection (soulmates). So, my (false hope) reasoning is that mainly the attraction is missing, and she might want me to show her I can be different.
    We've talked a few times since the breakup. She kissed me passionately 1 week after the breakup. Afterwards, I have seen her in person once and this didn't happen.
    She loves me very much and truly appreciates me.

    I told her 1 week ago that I can't see her as a friend. She wasn't sure that's what she wants. She might see us together in the future, but she needs time to "find herself". After this, she drew a picture of me and illustrated a poem I once made.

    I'm really unsure what to do. I love her very much and would like to focus on repairing the romantic attraction. I love the emotional connection we have (which she sees aswell), and I would like to attract her again. I don't know what to do:

    1: Since our emotional bond is so good I meet her and focus on attracting her physically. If she doesn't respond to that I'll tell her I can't be friends at this moment.
    2: Tell her today that I can't be friends. I want to be transparent and focus on rebuilding myself. She may contact me if she is okay with the idea that I want to rebuild our connection. As I truly believe our connection is special, I just can't put the label "friendship" on it.
    3: The hardest one: Tell her I can't be friends and that she can contact me once she wants to try again. Effectively cutting her out of my life.

    It's just so scary. I think we can make the relationship much better if we work on it. But at the same time, I feel we can be great friends as well. Just not now.
    Last edited by trufo; 04-10-2019 at 04:21 PM.

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I vote for #2.

    When a woman tells you she needs to 'find herself,' that's the kiss of death for a relationship.

    And being 'friends' with someone you've loved and been intimate is nearly impossible when one person still wants to get back together.

    Let her go and find herself. Cut all contact and wish her well. Then work on putting yourself out there again.

  3. #3
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    Honestly, you won't like my response but I think you need to go with option 3. It sounds like a personal problem that she loses sexual interest shortly after the chase is over, if there was ever attraction to begin with.

    If you keep in contact with her, you'll always be in the position of pining for more while she goes back and forth indecisively and dispassionately. You deserve someone who desires you just as much as you desire them, otherwise you're basically best friends. Except you want more so it will kill you inside as you see her go on to date other men...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think you have any options, Trufo.
    She said she needs time to find herself. This is a short way of saying she's not sure about you and might never be. If you value your time and your life ahead of you I wouldn't place much importance on the connection you think you have with her.

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  6. #5
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    Those are some sad options yes. It's just such a shame. I feel we really are soulmates, as does she. She's never had such a connection with someone before (which is the reason I lasted 3.5 years and not a few months to a year, as she's had ~10 relationships).

    Anyway, thanks for the opinions. It's just so terribly hard to basically shut all doors. But, from another perspective, that's what she did first.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Keep your chin up. When one door closes, another (or more) usually open! This is not the end of your dating or love life. Things will become clearer too with some time.

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    Such a deep cut. She's my first love aswell. But you're right. And if she isn't willing to work on the relationship, even though we're "soulmates" and even though she said just a few days ago that she thought we'd always be together, it's her choice to end it. And that means ending... everything. And that saddens me to no end.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by trufo
    Such a deep cut. She's my first love aswell. But you're right. And if she isn't willing to work on the relationship, even though we're "soulmates" and even though she said just a few days ago that she thought we'd always be together, it's her choice to end it. And that means ending... everything. And that saddens me to no end.
    I'm sorry you are going through this... it's the hardest when it's your first love. Unfortunately I have to agree with the others... she seems to be done with the relationship and is trying to let you down gently.

    You will find another soulmate... we have many different types of soul connections, and if you stay open, keep working on yourself and don't settle you will find the one you are meant to be with.

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    I might've preferred a messy breakup. This; "I care about you"; "Maybe in the future", "We're soulmates", "I thought we'd be together forever" and her talking about the reasons why the relationship didn't work keep me in fixing mode.

    It's just so hard, you guys. I think about her 90% of the day, I'm fine/okay with it most of the day. And then all of a sudden I just feel the most intense sadness I've ever felt and can't help crying. My internship and master's thesis (it's just 2 more months and I'll be all done after 7 years of study) are really hard to concentrate on. I just wish these feelings would pass more quickly as they just corrupt my whole day... every day.

    Anyway, thank you all for reading and responding. And I'm crying once more, damn it. Hope I'll look back at this post in the future with a smile one day.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by trufo
    I might've preferred a messy breakup. This; "I care about you"; "Maybe in the future", "We're soulmates", "I thought we'd be together forever" and her talking about the reasons why the relationship didn't work keep me in fixing mode.
    I agree with you.. this is pretty thoughtless and unnecessary. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there and yes, one day you will look back and smile.

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