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Thread: Having a hard time deciding to move on/get her back and how to do it

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    All I have to add is keep it going Trufo* Breakups suck....You're doing ok and will be out of this tunnel eventually....

    Regards
    Carus*

  2. #22
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    Yeah, so... I'm feeling great. Drinking is usually a catalyst for bad feelings to emerge, however when sober I'm rather confident. I realise I'm all I have, no matter the friends and relationships I'll have in the future. In a way we're always alone. A relationship just hides that fact, making you rely on the other person for all kinds of support. Any way, I'm doing great and I don't even know if I want her back. It's a strange sensation. It's the total opposite from just a few weeks ago. I've no longer put her on a pedestal and that's just awesome.

    That being said, she has been initiating contact with me regularly. She talks about random stuff what's going on in her life and asking me how I'm doing and what's going on in my life. In addition, she uploaded a drawing she made of me years ago on instagram. She also made an animation that basically compares our inner beings with each other. It's rather abstract, but it's meant positively. She hasn't asked to meet up yet though, so whatever. However, I do think she feels like I'm slipping away. I'm not chasing her at all any longer. I do think I'll just let her know hat while I'm really busy, if she wants to do something she can let me know and I'll see if I have time. This way I'll let her know the door's open, but that she has to be the one to go through it. It's not my place to directly initiate contact any longer.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What if she walks into the friendzone through that door?
    Originally Posted by trufo
    if she wants to do something she can let me know and I'll see if I have time. This way I'll let her know the door's open, but that she has to be the one to go through it.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What if she walks into the friendzone through that door?
    Then I'll have to breakup with her. She knows where I stand.

    I'll not be paralyzed by all the what ifs. It's the worst question to ask as there'll always be another what if question once the previous one gets solved.

    What if she just wants to be friends, what if she doesn't, what if she finds someone else, what if it won't work out again, what if, what if? The what ifs don't matter. All that matters is that you're okay being alone and be true with what you want. No what ifs should influence that.

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  6. #25
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    Same!

    Originally Posted by trufo
    Then I'll have to breakup with her. She knows where I stand.

    I'll not be paralyzed by all the what ifs. It's the worst question to ask as there'll always be another what if question once the previous one gets solved.

    What if she just wants to be friends, what if she doesn't, what if she finds someone else, what if it won't work out again, what if, what if? The what ifs don't matter. All that matters is that you're okay being alone and be true with what you want. No what ifs should influence that.



    Hi Trufo, i have been following this tread closely for the same reasons i imagine you scoured the internet and read everyone stories (helping me deal).

    My girlfriend of the last 6 years broke things off with me.

    She feels that we have grown apart over the last year or so (we have lived together for 2 years), the sex kind of stopped, 100% down to my sex drive even though i found her very attractive still.

    I don't think that there is any chance of saving the relationship she seems pretty sure and has said herself she is happy, although she still cares about me and really wants us to remain friends, although she kept saying that who knows that the future holds.

    Its worth noting that we initally took a 2 week break, I moved back to my mums, she said she thought it would make our relationship stronger, that she wanted to miss me and want me etc.


    This was around a 6 weeks a go,

    Currently finding it hard to come to terms with everything ending, I am 7 days into no contact, but will need to speak to her at some point as we are sorting out a joint mortgage we have.


    suppose it would be really useful to see if you any advise and see how you are getting on now?

    Thanks!!

    Alex

  7. #26
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    Apologies for the late reply, I haven't been browsing these forums lately.
    Seems like my situation but with different contexts. Unfortunately I can't give you any advice to get her back. I can tell you about my experiences though. Firstly, my ex and I are still in contact. I don't think I would recommend that if you want her back and she seems happy. It has hurt me in the past, but that is happening less and less. She's also not initiating as much, but I finally feel okay with the whole situation.

    Secondly, I feel like I've truly accepted that we've been broken up. That feeling started a few weeks back, as in that I just felt differently one day. I was fine being on my own and reinforcing that by giving myself reasons why I liked it helped (I can do what I want; smoke in the house, eat unhealthy food, invite friends until late in the evening etc.). You've probably haven't reached this point yet and that's fine. You might not reach it for weeks or months and in extreme cases even years. You could also reach that point tomorrow, you don't know and I certainly didn't feel like ever coming out of that black hole.

    All that being said, this week has been a gamechanger. I've been volunteering at a research symposium and since it's social science, many girls are there. I've been extremely confident and flirting quite a lot. In specific, I've been focusing on reading their body language and not thinking about how I come across. The few attractive girls my age have been really responsive. They're laughing, touching me etc. One even flat out told me she liked me. However, I've set my eyes on one particular (and also responsive) girl that I'm planning on getting her contact information tomorrow. We'll see what happens. I'm actually having fun being this way and I've never acted like this. I feel like I'm reinventing myself. I might not change myself like many here suggest, by going to the gym, focusing on a healthy lifestyle and diet, but I have been reading (academic and "regular") articles about attraction, social connections etc. and seemingly integrating that in my identity. However, integrating that took (and still takes) time, but I wouldn't have been able to do it so effortlessly a few weeks back.

    I've tried "getting out there" before, but I feel like that was to get over the breakup. Now is a different feeling. I'm confident with who I am, although I'm not particularly physically attractive, nor too funny, charismatic or even intelligent (which is one of my traits I actually value). I just act self-assured and interested in other people. I then read their interest levels and if positive escalate it with intense eye-contact (longer than normal, scanning their face and bodies) and somehow this has girls reacting to me differently than ever before.

    I hope you're doing okay and would love to hear updates regarding your progress as well.

  8. #27
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    Thank you for coming back to me, it helps to hear from people who have come out of the other side.

    I am trying to always remind myself that the relationship has come to an end, and even if there was a slight chance of getting back together down the line that it wouldnt be the same relationship, it came to an end for a reason.

    I have started looking a new properties now which I feel is the next step in things, and will help me be able to enforce NC properly once we have sorted out mortgage situation out.

    Its great that you are doing so much better than when you first posted and I am really happy for you that you have found more confidence with girls and are able to see a new life now without your previous partner!

    My ex when I said my fairwells really wanted us to remain friends but I said right now I can't do that because I am still madly in love with her, she even said that she didn't want me to leave but understood she couldn't ask me to stay.

    One thing I am finding it hard to do is keep NC, one of the big reasons is she promised me (when i was leaving) that she would seek help in the form of a therapist to help with the issues she is going through, she has a troubled childhood and from when speaking to her she sounded depressed, always feeling alone, most days just felt empty and grey. I really want to reach out and see if she has got the help she needs and if I can help support her in any way.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Iím reading your thread...seems like youíre doing good!! 😁

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