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Thread: Having a hard time deciding to move on/get her back and how to do it

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by trufo
    Those are some sad options yes. It's just such a shame. I feel we really are soulmates, as does she.
    No, she doesn't. The old cliche really is true -- actions speak louder than words. Action: she broke up with you. Go with Option #3. It will be harder, maybe the hardeat thing you've done, but in the long term, it will be better for you and probably her as well.

  2. #12
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    If she really believed you were soulmates, in the way you define soulmates, she'd be with you now, OP. It sounds like you two have very different ideas about what a "soulmate" is. I would also not take her seriously when she's tossing around heavy language like that; her actions are showing you they're pretty words without a lot of meaning.

    It sounds like she wants to be free to explore other guys and knows she can't do that while in a relationship. I would let her go and find someone who is capable of and wants an exclusive commitment.

  3. #13
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    MissCanuck, I understand where you're coming from regarding soulmates. It's just that she defines soulmates as a deep emotional connection. That has been the one truly special thing she experienced in this relationship. It seems soulmates isn't necessarily connected to the sexual domain in her perspective. Easier said: soulmates can be merely friends aswell.

    So, yeah. Today I've deleted everything of her, photo's/items (saved it in the cloud though). I have to accept it's over and there is nothing I can directly do to mend the situation. All I can do is move on with my life and perhaps she'll return one day. I do believe, even though it probably hurts much more for me at the moment, that she'll ultimately be worse off than me. She's had her fair share of short unhappy relationships (~10) and chances are she'll have the same experience in the nearby future. I do not count on that, but it only seems logical.

    I'm certainly not perfect, but I never been bad to her. I've never degraded, yelled at, abused or controlled her. It's just that I might not have been the confident, manly guy she wants. It's time I work on this. For whoever may be in life romantically some day.

    One last note is that I feel like I might not even be scared the most of losing her forever, but mainly that I'm scared of losing my love for her forever. As this first love thing now feels like it won't happen on this level ever again.

    In any way, thanks for the support and insight. I truly appreciate it.

  4. #14
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    Update:

    So, she messaged me this morning that she would like to pick some things up. In addition, she asked if we could have dinner together then aswell.
    I haven't responded yet.

  5.  

  6. #15
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    So, she came over to pick up her stuff and we had dinner together. I'm still very much into her, unfortunately. She asked if I wanted to continue seeing her, which I responded positive on. She then asked as friends, upon which I answered that I didn't want to put the label friendship on it. She said "okay".
    She also asked if I wanted to kiss her, which I said I perhaps wanted to (I had the feeling it was some kind of test). She said she wasn't feeling like that.

    I couldn't help myself and kept flirting a little bit by touching her and forcing eyecontact/looking at her mouth. She must've noticed, she kept the eyecontact and looked at my mouth sometimes and also never pulled away. It might just be my interpretation or projection, but I had the feeling there was still some sexual tension.

    Damn it, I thought I was getting indifferent. But seeing her in person just made it alot harder. She said she'll see me soon, as she still has some stuff here. I'll probably just go for the kiss next time and see what happens. What's there left to lose eh?

  7. #16
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    It has been about 9 days of NC. Though I have some sad moments, I've come to the realisation I don't want her back. I would take her back for the wrong reasons; f.e. for my own ego; for my insecurity regarding my romantic future etc. It's a strange realisation. I still miss her, I still would like for things to have worked out differently. But we just can't be together. I don't trust her any longer. There are so many nice girls out there looking for good partners.

    So it's strange. I realise I want her back for the wrong reasons, which makes me realise I don't really want her back. And even though I still love her, I don't want to talk to her nor do I want to see her. It's done, we're done and perhaps we'll meet again in the future (once I'm 100% sure I've lost all hope for a romantic reconciliation).

  8. #17
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    Alright, so another update. Even though no one is replying, it might be helpful for other people. I have read many threads and always was disappointed when someone just quit coming to their thread (damn ghosters!). So, I'll continue to update what's happening.

    Since my last post (23 april) my ex has started continually contacting me every few days. She has started to initiate activities to do with me. Past friday we met up for coffee after 2 weeks of not seeing each other. The situation felt familiar and positive. We laughed and I flirted a bit. Eventually she started talking about our past relationship (again...). She said she's been having a difficult time and that she thinks she might have a problem as she continues to break off (good) relationships: "Why do I break off such a good relationship, that might be a problem that has to do with me". She started talking about the reasons why and how things ended. I just tried to listen and understand her perspective. No pushing, no blaming. Nothing. She also said that she's not looking for another man. I ended the meetup by saying I had fun talking with her. She asked a few questions, like how I would feel if she would get someone else in the future and if I was still in love with her. Annoying questions, but I answered truthfully. I said I'd probably feel a little hurt if she started dating someone else and that I'm not sure if I'm in love with her but I do feel a deep love for her. They might not be the best responses, but at least they are the truth. After this I paid for our coffees and we went our seperate ways.

    Fast forward a couple of days and she asks me how I'm feeling over text. I answered that I'm doing well but I'm also very busy. She then told me she feels really sad and alone after meeting with me. That she has a hard time that our relationship is over and that it scares her. She mentioned this sadness a few times and eventually told me she now feels like she has a broken heart. Once again I was just asking some questions, trying to understand her. In addition I said that I appreciate our connection and that we had something special. She agreed with this.

    So yeah, that's it. Not sure what's happening if anything at all. Just going with the flow and let her initiate. I'm not chasing, but I do leave the door open. Nevertheless, actions speak louder than words and other than wanting to meet up with me there are no actions. So I'm just continuing with life and even have a (casual) date tomorrow.

  9. #18
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    You are normal. I feel really sad for you as someone close to me is going through just about the exact same thing.

    You will get through this. You will be ok eventually. You are a special person and if she can't see that then that's her loss. Odds are she'll continue on trying to "find herself" for her whole life and you'll end up happily married with kids and won't give her another thought.

    Just friendly say I can't be your friend but I wish u nothing but happiness. You want good karma after all.

    All the best. And take comfort in the fact there are others at this moment in time going through very similar things. You aren't alone that's for sure.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by trufo
    I might've preferred a messy breakup. This; "I care about you"; "Maybe in the future", "We're soulmates", "I thought we'd be together forever" and her talking about the reasons why the relationship didn't work keep me in fixing mode.

    It's just so hard, you guys. I think about her 90% of the day, I'm fine/okay with it most of the day. And then all of a sudden I just feel the most intense sadness I've ever felt and can't help crying. My internship and master's thesis (it's just 2 more months and I'll be all done after 7 years of study) are really hard to concentrate on. I just wish these feelings would pass more quickly as they just corrupt my whole day... every day.

    Anyway, thank you all for reading and responding. And I'm crying once more, damn it. Hope I'll look back at this post in the future with a smile one day.
    I totally agree. Breakups on a good note honestly might be worse than those on a bad note because there is still a sort of hope that amends can be made, and you dont have any reason to hate her. Im going through something somewhat similar, although it is due to outside circumstances basically. One thing that kind of helped me is writing down why it WOULDNT work out. Like maybe she does this little thing you dont like. Even if its small, it might help to write down every little problem she had, and seeing this whole list might help you see why this actually isnít that great. My advice would be to, basically, take a break. Work on focusing on yourself for a few weeks or months. Maybe after your thesis is done you will realize that you dont even have feelings for her anymore, or youíve found someone new. If the feelings are still there, maybe you contact her again and catch up and see where things go. Thatís the attitude Iím taking with my current situation. It is not easy whatsoever, as I was literally just crying a second ago about my own situation, but it seems like the most reasonable thing to me. Good luck brother, I know it will all work out.

  11. #20
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    Thanks for the replies, chocolate_86 and OT630. What's helping me is the thought that she lost someone who truly loved her, while I lost something that evidently didn't.

    We met up previous week to talk over coffee, about 8 days ago now. She said she is only now starting to mourn the end of the relationship, before she was in the "elation phase". She also asked how I feel about us and I told her I don't want to put labels on it, but pursuing merely a friendship isn't my intention. Instead I want to feel how things are. Her response was that she didn't want to string me along, while she continues to mention the good things in our past relationship. She was rather affectionate, telling me how I'm a changed man as well. At the end she hugged me longer than normal, and with a lingering arm rubbing me. However she also said she would tell me how something went (she went away for a job, quite important for her), but she didn't. I'm not contacting her to ask her. Whatever, I already lost someone I love. She is now losing someone that loves her as well.

    I guess she is mourning now and trying to detach. This is rather scary for me. Part of me wants to reach out and make sure that doesn't happen. However, no matter whether its for reconciliation or moving on, we both need to detach to make sure we either not get in the same relationship or move on healthily.

    Anyway, I'm doing fine all things considered. I'm behaving really flirty and outgoing with most people and that feels good, it feels more like me. Though I'm not ready for dating in any way and don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Conversely some days are still exceptionally tough and thoughts + feelings come bordering on contemplating suicide. This polarity between feeling confident and suicidal is rather puzzling and hard to deal with.

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