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Thread: I have very little trust in relationships

  1. #1
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    I have very little trust in relationships

    After my last break up i really cant see myself finding that special someone!
    The reason for this is that just over 2 years ago my 3 year old sons mum broke up with me and it left me completely broken and lost. However i focussed on my son and was able to accept the break up and see my part in the break. I got myself into a good place and i was pretty happy and ok with things.
    I ended up getting really close to someone at work around 10 months or so ago. Her partner was being pretty nasty to her and their relationship ended. After a few months we ended up being together and she totally blew me away as we were so close and everything was amazing.
    However 7 months down the line she decides out of the blew she wants to give it another go with her ex, as she still has feeling for him. Bearing in mind she had spent time re assuring me that she was 100% sure about us. and there was nothing wrong in our relationship. She literally made her decision and left. Leaving me feeling really upset and painfully confused.
    What scares me is that these last 2 break ups have left me feeling beyond low snd the last one i really thought i was doing everything “right” as a partner.
    It also scares me how people can go from giving you everything one minute and literally an hour later theyre gone.
    Im the sort of guy who wants to be in a committed relationship with the right person but im now left feeling that im always going to be scared of being left after giving someone a lot, and i guess slightly not feeling good enough for someone.
    Anyone else have any experience with these sorts of things who can shed some light?
    Thanks in advance 😀

  2. #2
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    I'm in the same boat, except not had the second relationship yet.. Just here to see what advice is given.

    You are not alone.

  3. #3
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Nothing is more changeable than the human heart.

    Obviously she wasn't 100% sure about you. People speak with their emotions often and not with their reason. At the beginning of the relationship, she may have thought you were great together, but over time, when you go about learning the other person's nature, feelings change.

    I'm sorry that happened, but don't let it jade you to future romances. The right one is out there.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I hate sounding trite but you're going to have to trust yourself before you trust anyone else.

    If you were on shaky ground even prior to having your son or meeting your son's mum or your self-confidence was demolished in the process of that relationship, you should not be expecting anyone to boost you or make up for what's lacking on your behalf. In doing so, you're looking for bandaid solutions instead of actually fixing the problem - you.

    The real work will come from inside you and the way you perceive your world and the way that you perceive yourself. If you see yourself as broken and distrustful you WILL emulate all the traits of someone broken and distrustful. Your psychology is not quite right. People who are ready to date and are confident will be able to detect this in you. You may also attract the wrong kind of crowd if you persist in this mindset. The changes come from within and everything else radiates outwards. The people around you will change, your outlook will change, your opportunities will change. Good luck and hope this finds you some peace.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It sounds like you and the latest woman were both on the rebound. people on the rebound are often not ready to fall in love with a new partner yet. It takes time to get over an ex....... a year at least, sometimes years, depending on how long the last relationship was.

  7. #6
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    I'm so sorry you had these awful experiences. I have major issues with trust nowadays myself. Before meeting and marrying my ex, I was a very self confident, successful junior executive on Wall Street with a sound career. I had friends, I was happy and I had a great life. Without a doubt, I trusted myself to make right decisions; my career depended on it. I married my now ex and he eroded my self confidence and trust with his verbal and emotional abuse. I gave him my heart and my soul. I loved him unconditionally. I trusted him completely. I gave it my all. Where did that get me? A divorce after 29 years of marriage. I took my wedding vows seriously so I accepted his verbal abuse as the "worse" part. I feel like I didn't deserve to be thrown away. But, that's what happens sometimes. You have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again, when you are ready. There's good luck and bad luck. That's how life works, I'm afraid.

    I still consider myself a self confident, caring and loving person but this whole scenario left me with very little trust in men (sorry guys). Granted, I'm still in the healing process but I don't believe I will ever trust any man as much as I did my ex, if at all. In essence, I trust myself but not others. Besides, I'm too old to start any relationship. You, however, sound young. You need to take chances and risks in life. Life is not perfect; neither will all the relationships you will have. But, if you don't try, you may never meet your soulmate. Remember, though, be true to yourself and be confident in who and what you are. You sound like a wonderful person -- good luck to you. And keep your head high!

  8. #7
    It's really difficult as the hurt can be so painful from what happened it can totally freeze you in this position and it feels like you never trust again. I am in similar situation I have been single for a while doing lots of therapy and finding who I was and started dating again 2 months ago and go my trust broken again. I am in so much pain that at the moment I cant see me in relationship at all but I am hoping that will pass. If it doesn't then I will concentrate on me my hobbies connections with healthy people and my family I totally get where you coming from but perhaps give yourself some time.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    I think Gary has a point and I think Rose said it very well about trusting yourself before you trust others.

    You need time to heal and space to figure out how you can become that guy/gal who dates with self-confidence, humility and not get jaded or bothered if things don't pan out. Because 9 out of 10 times, it's not gonna pan out when you're out there dating.

    If you are ok with being single for the rest of your life, good for you. If you want to find a lifetime partner that loves and respect you, then you need to be proactive about putting yourself out there, learning from your dating mistakes, and being a better person. It's natural to lament when grief or bad luck hits, but best practice is dust off your shoulders - because it's nothing but uphill from here.

  10. #9
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Oh, I can write a book on this.

    Many times you have to experience interactions with so many people on this Earth before you learn on your own whom you can trust and what your limits are with others.

    My advice would be to go slower with people. This is how you build trust or determine the pace towards trust and longevity with this person. If you move too fast in the relationship or friendship, it will fizzle fast and trust is obliterated quickly.

    Gradually build foundations of trust with others. Don't dive rapidly into relationships or friendships because it is risky. You really have to get to know a person by using your intuition because it's usually right on the mark.

    Don't give of yourself too much from the onset and outset. Wait. It takes time to cultivate, nurture and maintain relationships and friendships. Remain patient. Haste makes waste!

    Also, keep your radar up. Pay close attention to personality and character. If someone doesn't quite ring true to you or if they're "off" in any way, they're not going to be compatible to you for the long term. Don't waste your time, energy and resources on a flake. (Someone who is unreliable, dishonorable and insincere.)

    Or, you'll have to enforce strict, healthy boundaries with them otherwise you'll get burned. Be wary and err on the side of caution.

    Study and observe a person's personality and character very carefully. It's better to be alone than feel lonely with a person who is not good for you and will make your life miserable.


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