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Boyfriend Can't Afford to Live with me


Ellie1988

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Hi All,

Some advice appreciated. I'm a 30 year old (female) and i've been with my boyfriend (32) for 3 years now. Where we live is very expensive to both rent and buy property. I've been renting since i was 18, and am still renting in a house share; my boyfriend lives at home and has never left the family home or had to rent (he pays his way at home of course). My boyfriend has never been in a well paid job, whereas i have been in very well paid jobs since i was in my mid-20's...i earn more than double his salary but this has never been an issue.

 

About a year ago i had to leave the house share that i was renting as the landlord was selling, i wanted us to move in together then but he wasn't ready financially and so i moved to a new house share. Around this time my we agreed that we want to buy a house together in the future, and we have been saving for that (plus we both had some savings before) ever since. Presently we almost have enough for a deposit on a house.

 

However in the last few days I have been told that our current landlord is selling, so i have to find somewhere new again. The problem with where we live is that there is a housing shortage - there is very little to rent and getting a place can be hard.

 

Off the back of this I suggested living together to my boyfriend, but again he says he is not earning enough to move out yet. Whilst i can accept this is a legitimate reason, he is in a career in which he is never going to earn much money. I am fine with that, but he is not willing to move in on his salary. It is likely that in the next year or 2 that he will get a bit of a promotion, however the pay increase is only a few thousand more a year. I am trying to be sensitive and understanding to where he is coming from as i understand his financial concerns, but it's getting to me that our entire relationship is on pause because he wants to earn more...yet he is never going to earn a lot in his chosen career path.

 

I'm 30 and i'm sick of renting and sharing space with people who are just flat mates; rent is also much more expensive than mortgage repayments. We love each other and want to live together, but i don't see our situation changing; should i just hang on and be patient for potentially another 3 or 4 years (?) or do i have to accept that we're in different stages of our lives and think about if we want/need different things?

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It doesn't sound like you're fine with it even though you repeat that you are - are you concerned about seeming "shallow" or "materialistic?" What is your purpose in living together? What would his be? Do you two want marriage or something long term? (I didn't live with my husband before we got married other than very briefly but we always planned on marriage).

 

I think you have to accept that you will always earn more $ and it would be good if he could articulate exactly how he plans to make more $ if he keeps his career/career goals as is. Are you willing to relocate to a lower rent district?

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^^^^^I agree with Batya.

 

You keep saying you're fine with his salary, but clearly you aren't.

 

He's 32 and still living with his parents. It's not likely that his financial situation is going to change. You have to decide if you're going to be willing to pay the majority of expenses for the long haul. But you have to consider whether or not his lack of adequate income is going to make you start resenting him.

 

If you love him, it wouldn't make any difference, but I'm thinking your love isn't strong enough to see this through.

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Wow you must be living in Vancouver. Anyways I hear ya, it's tough in these big cities to find anything affordable. BUT tbh I don't think this is about money. He likes being a home, he's comfortable there, and emotionally attached to his family. He's scared of the change, and probably has separation anxiety. To me he doesn't sound very ambitious to take risks, so he stays in the same job, and lives in the same place.

It's 3 years now, and there is no change. You keep saying his fiances are not an issue, but who are you trying to kid here, of course they are! You have goals, and they doesn't make you shallow for wanting what you want for the future. The reality is, he will never be willing to accomplish any of these goals with you. Yes a relationship/marriage is a partnership...and he's not being a part of that. Sorry to say this but he's not the right one for you. You are not a bad person for having certain expectations, and what you expect is common, not outrageous/over the top. This is YOUR life, now it's up to you to know your course of action. Choose well my dear.

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Thanks for the replies. Regarding being 'fine with it', i mean that i am fine with what he earns, as financially we could make things work. i don't want or need him to earn more money, the only person who isn't fine with his earnings is him.

 

I want to live with him as i love him and yes i want us to get married one day - i just don't know when that would be. I have no problem paying for more of the expenses down the line if i am the higher earner, but again it's him who has the issue with this.

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Wow you must be living in Vancouver. Anyways I hear ya, it's tough in these big cities to find anything affordable. BUT tbh I don't think this is about money. He likes being a home, he's comfortable there, and emotionally attached to his family. He's scared of the change, and probably has separation anxiety. To me he doesn't sound very ambitious to take risks, so he stays in the same job, and lives in the same place.

It's 3 years now, and there is no change. You keep saying his fiances are not an issue, but who are you trying to kid here, of course they are! You have goals, and they doesn't make you shallow for wanting what you want for the future. The reality is, he will never be willing to accomplish any of these goals with you. Yes a relationship/marriage is a partnership...and he's not being a part of that. Sorry to say this but he's not the right one for you. You are not a bad person for having certain expectations, and what you expect is common, not outrageous/over the top. This is YOUR life, now it's up to you to know your course of action. Choose well my dear.

 

This ^^^. This guy likes it at home, you say he pays his share there, well then he could certainly pay that amount to you. Does mom do his laundry? Make his bed and dinner? Clean up after him? I think he's got it too good at home so why would he want to move out? At his age he should be on his own and making the best of his job skills as he can.

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Thanks for the replies. Regarding being 'fine with it', i mean that i am fine with what he earns, as financially we could make things work. i don't want or need him to earn more money, the only person who isn't fine with his earnings is him.

 

I want to live with him as i love him and yes i want us to get married one day - i just don't know when that would be. I have no problem paying for more of the expenses down the line if i am the higher earner, but again it's him who has the issue with this.

 

So here's the thing. You are not fine with his approach to his financial situation because your values are you are fine paying for him to live in a nicer place. He is not fine with it because he either wants to live within his means or make more $ which he is frustrated about. You are not fine with his goal to make more $ because you don't believe he is correct that he can make more $ in the job/career he is in. It's cool you don't have a problem paying more. The problem is he is not cool with it = incompatible financial values/goals.

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No that's not how it works at home, he does a lot for his mother. As we agreed we wanted to buy, he thought the best way to save the deposit would be to stay at home, as rents are pretty crazy. I guess what's getting to me now is that i don't know when we will be in a position to live together.

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No that's not how it works at home, he does a lot for his mother. As we agreed we wanted to buy, he thought the best way to save the deposit would be to stay at home, as rents are pretty crazy. I guess what's getting to me now is that i don't know when we will be in a position to live together.

 

You are in a position to live together but not in the way he wants to make that happen. He likely would be fine living together in a location he can afford without you paying more.

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So here's the thing. You are not fine with his approach to his financial situation because your values are you are fine paying for him to live in a nicer place. He is not fine with it because he either wants to live within his means or make more $ which he is frustrated about. You are not fine with his goal to make more $ because you don't believe he is correct that he can make more $ in the job/career he is in. It's cool you don't have a problem paying more. The problem is he is not cool with it = incompatible financial values/goals.

 

Yes, you're right...we view career and money differently.

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I'd bid farewell to your partner but kindly and with respect. His situation is not comparable with yours. It's just making peace with it that is difficult.

 

I also think you're confusing yourself with your own living situation. At the moment the issue at the forefront is really your living situation. I'm not sure why it's not possible for you to live in a studio or another independent set up. You may feel more relief and respite from the constant noise of having flat mates and the other responsibilities that come with it. You may also relieve yourself of the burden of feeling like you're not progressing anywhere in your life. Find a reasonable solution (middle ground) that fulfills your needs without creating pressure on your relationship at this time.

 

Once you've got your living situation figured out, make up your mind about your boyfriend. In my mind, I think there are some issues there that are not reconcilable. I'm speaking more about differences in priorities and approaches that are too dissimilar to create harmony in a home.

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Wow you must be living in Vancouver. Anyways I hear ya, it's tough in these big cities to find anything affordable. BUT tbh I don't think this is about money. He likes being a home, he's comfortable there, and emotionally attached to his family. He's scared of the change, and probably has separation anxiety. To me he doesn't sound very ambitious to take risks, so he stays in the same job, and lives in the same place.

It's 3 years now, and there is no change. You keep saying his fiances are not an issue, but who are you trying to kid here, of course they are! You have goals, and they doesn't make you shallow for wanting what you want for the future. The reality is, he will never be willing to accomplish any of these goals with you. Yes a relationship/marriage is a partnership...and he's not being a part of that. Sorry to say this but he's not the right one for you. You are not a bad person for having certain expectations, and what you expect is common, not outrageous/over the top. This is YOUR life, now it's up to you to know your course of action. Choose well my dear.

 

Totally agree!

 

Are you going to be satisfied supporting him and a family? Is it a dead end job, or simply low-paying. I would have an issue with a 32 year old man, who was satisfied living with mommy and daddy, and no desire to increase his income for the future.

 

You are ambitious, he is not. I would think one could become resentful, if one is always lifting all the weight. I am also curious how much he does around his parent's house?

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Totally agree!

 

Are you going to be satisfied supporting him and a family? Is it a dead end job, or simply low-paying. I would have an issue with a 32 year old man, who was satisfied living with mommy and daddy, and no desire to increase their income for the future.

 

You are ambitious, he is not. I would think one could become resentful, if one is always lifting all the weight. I am also curious how much he does around his parent's house?

 

 

His job is currently low paying, but he has stability (he basically can't be fired) and if he stays there he will slowly earn more money over the years - it's just a long climb and promotions are very slow. I work in the private sector, so while i earn more money, i have worked for a couple of companies where redundancies come around quite a bit - so there is less stability on my side. It's just him and his mother since his father passed away, she works full time and they share the housework

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He's very comfortable and you are not. Unfortunately there is a lot more incompatibility than you think. He doesn't need to move or find flatmates, etc. He's complacent.

It's just him and his mother since his father passed away, she works full time and they share the housework
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His job is currently low paying, but he has stability (he basically can't be fired) and if he stays there he will slowly earn more money over the years - it's just a long climb and promotions are very slow. I work in the private sector, so while i earn more money, i have worked for a couple of companies where redundancies come around quite a bit - so there is less stability on my side. It's just him and his mother since his father passed away, she works full time and they share the housework

 

So somehow he doesn't accept that reality -and you are frustrated with his staying in a job where he won't advance much in $ but somehow believing that he will make more $? It's his issue but I'm not sure where his disconnect is coming from when it's fact-based.

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If you want children, are you willing to wait until you are 35 or 40? This guy can't even afford to move out. Are you going to pay for everything?

 

We dont really want kids. His thinking was that if he earns a bit more money before we move in together, then I wont be paying for everything

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We dont really want kids. His thinking was that if he earns a bit more money before we move in together, then I wont be paying for everything

 

Exactly. What does "don't really want?" mean because given the long term financial situation try to get clearer about those plans - it sounds like it's not really set in stone and when it's not then often when a woman gets well into her 30s she might think differently.

 

He doesn't want you to pay for everything. So, are you willing to compromise and find a place where he can contribute close to half or is it a priority for you to live in a certain location in a certain type of space -more important than being with him long term.

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Well at the moment we do not want kids, so my answer to that would be no. But I know people who have said that and then changed their minds when they reach their mid 30s...so I would never say never.

 

My priority is living with him...not where I live. But if we dont want a 3 hour commute every day then of course we are going to have to pay more for property. That's something I have to think about.

 

Thank you all for the replies!

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Well at the moment we do not want kids, so my answer to that would be no. But I know people who have said that and then changed their minds when they reach their mid 30s...so I would never say never.

 

My priority is living with him...not where I live. But if we dont want a 3 hour commute every day then of course we are going to have to pay more for property. That's something I have to think about.

 

Thank you all for the replies!

 

Why do you want to live with him? Many people commute long distances for affordability. I think if you do that with him you'll resent that you're doing it because of his financial situation.

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Why do you want to live with him? Many people commute long distances for affordability. I think if you do that with him you'll resent that you're doing it because of his financial situation.

 

I want to live with him because I love him and want us to be together. I'm happy when I'm with him and I miss him when we are apart. Yes we could commute long distance, but we had hoped to live near our families.

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Hi All,

Some advice appreciated. I'm a 30 year old (female) and i've been with my boyfriend (32) for 3 years now. Where we live is very expensive to both rent and buy property. I've been renting since i was 18, and am still renting in a house share; my boyfriend lives at home and has never left the family home or had to rent (he pays his way at home of course). My boyfriend has never been in a well paid job, whereas i have been in very well paid jobs since i was in my mid-20's...i earn more than double his salary but this has never been an issue.

 

About a year ago i had to leave the house share that i was renting as the landlord was selling, i wanted us to move in together then but he wasn't ready financially and so i moved to a new house share. Around this time my we agreed that we want to buy a house together in the future, and we have been saving for that (plus we both had some savings before) ever since. Presently we almost have enough for a deposit on a house.

 

However in the last few days I have been told that our current landlord is selling, so i have to find somewhere new again. The problem with where we live is that there is a housing shortage - there is very little to rent and getting a place can be hard.

 

Off the back of this I suggested living together to my boyfriend, but again he says he is not earning enough to move out yet. Whilst i can accept this is a legitimate reason, he is in a career in which he is never going to earn much money. I am fine with that, but he is not willing to move in on his salary. It is likely that in the next year or 2 that he will get a bit of a promotion, however the pay increase is only a few thousand more a year. I am trying to be sensitive and understanding to where he is coming from as i understand his financial concerns, but it's getting to me that our entire relationship is on pause because he wants to earn more...yet he is never going to earn a lot in his chosen career path.

 

I'm 30 and i'm sick of renting and sharing space with people who are just flat mates; rent is also much more expensive than mortgage repayments. We love each other and want to live together, but i don't see our situation changing; should i just hang on and be patient for potentially another 3 or 4 years (?) or do i have to accept that we're in different stages of our lives and think about if we want/need different things?

 

Your post sounds genuine and you seem concerned about the upcoming future. I can respect that. I'm more excited to hear that flags are being raised now as opposed to a timeless engagement predicated on his awakening. I have a few concerns I'd like to share with you to consider.

 

I think the two of you need to have a discussion about the future of your relationship. Right now, he's not living up to that of a man qualified for a mature and responsible adult relationship with you. At thirty-two, he should at least be on his way to a decent career with benefits (i.e., medical, dental, pension etc...) and have some sort of savings or viable plan, something. I also get that it's expensive where you live, but he's older than you and if he's been working a while (and living at home) he should have something. Not to scare you, but you're no longer in your twenties. You're right there with him in your thirities. It's time to wake up and get moving, folks.

 

Love doesn't pay bills, sweetheart. Sex doesn't put food on the table. You are within your right to ask (not demand) that your partner step up to the plate inside of this three-year relationship and start showing more enthusiam about his future with you. If truly love him and want to be with the man, allow him the opporunity to work on that. Otherwise, the onus is going to be on you to make this relationship thrive and you're going to find yourself unhappy and resentful as life passes you by while you wait on him to get it together. Barring some unusual circumstance, you should expect more out of him and hold him to a higher standard. There ain't nothin' cool about taking care of no grown man. Don't do it. Add marriage and a child into the equation and you'll really be hating life then, which brings me to my next point (in case you're wondering). Marriage does not make it all better. Don't marry this guy until he shows a little more.

 

Have a sincere heart-to-heart with him about this relationship. Again, ask (don't demand). Ask him his ambitions and future plans. Find out where his head is at three years into this. Kindly and politely urge him to change and take this this whole life thing more serious with you. I truly believe that being in a committed relationship is a commitment to being your very best you for someone else. Good luck.

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Your post sounds genuine and you seem concerned about the upcoming future. I can respect that. I'm more excited to hear that flags are being raised now as opposed to a timeless engagement predicated on his awakening. I have a few concerns I'd like to share with you to consider.

 

I think the two of you need to have a discussion about the future of your relationship. Right now, he's not living up to that of a man qualified for a mature and responsible adult relationship with you. At thirty-two, he should at least be on his way to a decent career with benefits (i.e., medical, dental, pension etc...) and have some sort of savings or viable plan, something. I also get that it's expensive where you live, but he's older than you and if he's been working a while (and living at home) he should have something. Not to scare you, but you're no longer in your twenties. You're right there with him in your thirities. It's time to wake up and get moving, folks.

 

Love doesn't pay bills, sweetheart. Sex doesn't put food on the table. You are within your right to ask (not demand) that your partner step up to the plate inside of this three-year relationship and start showing more enthusiam about his future with you. If truly love him and want to be with the man, allow him the opporunity to work on that. Otherwise, the onus is going to be on you to make this relationship thrive and you're going to find yourself unhappy and resentful as life passes you by while you wait on him to get it together. Barring some unusual circumstance, you should expect more out of him and hold him to a higher standard. There ain't nothin' cool about taking care of no grown man. Don't do it. Add marriage and a child into the equation and you'll really be hating life then, which brings me to my next point (in case you're wondering). Marriage does not make it all better. Don't marry this guy until he shows a little more.

 

Have a sincere heart-to-heart with him about this relationship. Again, ask (don't demand). Ask him his ambitions and future plans. Find out where his head is at three years into this. Kindly and politely urge him to change and take this this whole life thing more serious with you. I truly believe that being in a committed relationship is a commitment to being your very best you for someone else. Good luck.

 

Thank you for the lovely post and taking the time out to write all that. I agree with what you have said, and yes a more serious discussion needs to be had to know that we want the same things in the same timeframe. I guess my biggest fear in this has been if it seemed like i pushed too hard with him re money or career, that he

would feel that I was saying he wasnt good enough. I would never want him to think that.

Thanks

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Just a thought - maybe you don't have to live together, at least not at this juncture. Even some married couples live apart and still see each other for dates.

 

I think sometimes people take relationships too seriously and want everything........the house, the car, the white picket fence, the dog, the cat, the parakeet. But that's not what's most important.

 

The foundation of a great relationship is just a worthwhile series of continuing dates.

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