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Thread: Boyfriend Can't Afford to Live with me

  1. #1

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    Boyfriend Can't Afford to Live with me

    Hi All,
    Some advice appreciated. I'm a 30 year old (female) and i've been with my boyfriend (32) for 3 years now. Where we live is very expensive to both rent and buy property. I've been renting since i was 18, and am still renting in a house share; my boyfriend lives at home and has never left the family home or had to rent (he pays his way at home of course). My boyfriend has never been in a well paid job, whereas i have been in very well paid jobs since i was in my mid-20's...i earn more than double his salary but this has never been an issue.

    About a year ago i had to leave the house share that i was renting as the landlord was selling, i wanted us to move in together then but he wasn't ready financially and so i moved to a new house share. Around this time my we agreed that we want to buy a house together in the future, and we have been saving for that (plus we both had some savings before) ever since. Presently we almost have enough for a deposit on a house.

    However in the last few days I have been told that our current landlord is selling, so i have to find somewhere new again. The problem with where we live is that there is a housing shortage - there is very little to rent and getting a place can be hard.

    Off the back of this I suggested living together to my boyfriend, but again he says he is not earning enough to move out yet. Whilst i can accept this is a legitimate reason, he is in a career in which he is never going to earn much money. I am fine with that, but he is not willing to move in on his salary. It is likely that in the next year or 2 that he will get a bit of a promotion, however the pay increase is only a few thousand more a year. I am trying to be sensitive and understanding to where he is coming from as i understand his financial concerns, but it's getting to me that our entire relationship is on pause because he wants to earn more...yet he is never going to earn a lot in his chosen career path.

    I'm 30 and i'm sick of renting and sharing space with people who are just flat mates; rent is also much more expensive than mortgage repayments. We love each other and want to live together, but i don't see our situation changing; should i just hang on and be patient for potentially another 3 or 4 years (?) or do i have to accept that we're in different stages of our lives and think about if we want/need different things?

  2. #2
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    It doesn't sound like you're fine with it even though you repeat that you are - are you concerned about seeming "shallow" or "materialistic?" What is your purpose in living together? What would his be? Do you two want marriage or something long term? (I didn't live with my husband before we got married other than very briefly but we always planned on marriage).

    I think you have to accept that you will always earn more $ and it would be good if he could articulate exactly how he plans to make more $ if he keeps his career/career goals as is. Are you willing to relocate to a lower rent district?

  3. #3
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    ^^^^^I agree with Batya.

    You keep saying you're fine with his salary, but clearly you aren't.

    He's 32 and still living with his parents. It's not likely that his financial situation is going to change. You have to decide if you're going to be willing to pay the majority of expenses for the long haul. But you have to consider whether or not his lack of adequate income is going to make you start resenting him.

    If you love him, it wouldn't make any difference, but I'm thinking your love isn't strong enough to see this through.

  4. #4
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    I think she can love him and decide that they have incompatible career/financial goals. Head and heart involved when making a long term commitment. I would not mingle any finances with him unless you get married.

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    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Wow you must be living in Vancouver. Anyways I hear ya, it's tough in these big cities to find anything affordable. BUT tbh I don't think this is about money. He likes being a home, he's comfortable there, and emotionally attached to his family. He's scared of the change, and probably has separation anxiety. To me he doesn't sound very ambitious to take risks, so he stays in the same job, and lives in the same place.
    It's 3 years now, and there is no change. You keep saying his fiances are not an issue, but who are you trying to kid here, of course they are! You have goals, and they doesn't make you shallow for wanting what you want for the future. The reality is, he will never be willing to accomplish any of these goals with you. Yes a relationship/marriage is a partnership...and he's not being a part of that. Sorry to say this but he's not the right one for you. You are not a bad person for having certain expectations, and what you expect is common, not outrageous/over the top. This is YOUR life, now it's up to you to know your course of action. Choose well my dear.

  7. #6

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    Thanks for the replies. Regarding being 'fine with it', i mean that i am fine with what he earns, as financially we could make things work. i don't want or need him to earn more money, the only person who isn't fine with his earnings is him.

    I want to live with him as i love him and yes i want us to get married one day - i just don't know when that would be. I have no problem paying for more of the expenses down the line if i am the higher earner, but again it's him who has the issue with this.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Wow you must be living in Vancouver. Anyways I hear ya, it's tough in these big cities to find anything affordable. BUT tbh I don't think this is about money. He likes being a home, he's comfortable there, and emotionally attached to his family. He's scared of the change, and probably has separation anxiety. To me he doesn't sound very ambitious to take risks, so he stays in the same job, and lives in the same place.
    It's 3 years now, and there is no change. You keep saying his fiances are not an issue, but who are you trying to kid here, of course they are! You have goals, and they doesn't make you shallow for wanting what you want for the future. The reality is, he will never be willing to accomplish any of these goals with you. Yes a relationship/marriage is a partnership...and he's not being a part of that. Sorry to say this but he's not the right one for you. You are not a bad person for having certain expectations, and what you expect is common, not outrageous/over the top. This is YOUR life, now it's up to you to know your course of action. Choose well my dear.
    This ^^^. This guy likes it at home, you say he pays his share there, well then he could certainly pay that amount to you. Does mom do his laundry? Make his bed and dinner? Clean up after him? I think he's got it too good at home so why would he want to move out? At his age he should be on his own and making the best of his job skills as he can.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Ellie1988
    Thanks for the replies. Regarding being 'fine with it', i mean that i am fine with what he earns, as financially we could make things work. i don't want or need him to earn more money, the only person who isn't fine with his earnings is him.

    I want to live with him as i love him and yes i want us to get married one day - i just don't know when that would be. I have no problem paying for more of the expenses down the line if i am the higher earner, but again it's him who has the issue with this.
    So here's the thing. You are not fine with his approach to his financial situation because your values are you are fine paying for him to live in a nicer place. He is not fine with it because he either wants to live within his means or make more $ which he is frustrated about. You are not fine with his goal to make more $ because you don't believe he is correct that he can make more $ in the job/career he is in. It's cool you don't have a problem paying more. The problem is he is not cool with it = incompatible financial values/goals.

  10. #9

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    No that's not how it works at home, he does a lot for his mother. As we agreed we wanted to buy, he thought the best way to save the deposit would be to stay at home, as rents are pretty crazy. I guess what's getting to me now is that i don't know when we will be in a position to live together.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Ellie1988
    No that's not how it works at home, he does a lot for his mother. As we agreed we wanted to buy, he thought the best way to save the deposit would be to stay at home, as rents are pretty crazy. I guess what's getting to me now is that i don't know when we will be in a position to live together.
    You are in a position to live together but not in the way he wants to make that happen. He likely would be fine living together in a location he can afford without you paying more.

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