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Thread: Help to Move On

  1. #1
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    Help to Move On

    Scores of thoughts are still running through my mind over my recent separation/argument. Iíve not eaten or slept properly for two days. I have had a good support network of male friends, even asked to date them. However, I wonít do this just yet.

    Those male friends were initially my friends, but to make it fair to my husband I introduced him to every single one of them. This proved to be short-lived and ended up with him blocking every single one of them. They claim he has a bad attitude and a short temper. Theyíve remained in good terms with me and I received no end of help yesterday. Their motives are not sinister even though they have offered to date me. They are respecting my boundaries realising I am not ready. Just to add: they are consistently there for me even when me and my husband have great times and are happy for us.

    I feel the more time goes on the less likely to hear from my husband. Iím maintaining no contact and am surprisingly good at it, but mainly due to fear of total rejection, even though itís destroying me inside. All I want to do is crawl under my blanket and hide even though part of me is saying: go live your life. Iím also struggling with wanting him back and saying to myself: to heck with him. You deserve better! Where is he when you need him?

    I donít know if this is a good thing but I removed my pictures from certain means of social media. However, Iíve not posted anything that even minutely hints at a dig at the breakup. He, on the other hand, has kept our profile picture and a status about us, even though heís been online and could have changed it. He did change a picture on one site that wasnít of us anyway, but didnít change the status. Yes, I feel ashamed to say I keep checking and even now itís doing my own head in. Iím either appearing offline or invisible. Again, I donít know whether this is a good thing. All I know is Iím climbing the walls and it isnít healthy. Iíve too much to deal with.

    I am desperate to put my emotional needs first, even though I still care. I donít think his family are clued up and theyíve messaged me with unrelated stuff. Iíve not answered, bar one, and kept it short, simple and pleasant. My husband was not mentioned in the conversation.

    What I need to do now is help to move on and find peace. Part of me is saying I deserve to be treated better and itís unfair to be kept in limbo.

    Iíve moved on before and was surprisingly good at it but this is new and feels very raw. I need advice on how to do this as even thinking about him is annoying me. As much as I want him back I know I canít control him, but I can control myself.

    Please advise me how I can stay positive. I will update if contact is made.

    Thank you in advance.

  2. #2
    Wait, you posted only yesterday about an argument with your husband regarding your trauma. You were advised to seek therapy for this. But now 24 hours later you post about a break up and asking to date other guys. Make an appointment today and get that therapy because you're not making much sense to me.

  3. #3
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    OP, you both need to start treating this as a marriage and not a dating-relationship.

    Going No Contact when you are married is silly (regardless of who initiates it) as you won't be able to remain silent on each other forever. Deleting photos on social media - or not - is also beside the point. If you are serious about ending the marriage, you need a lawyer. You two entered Grown-Up territory when you decided to marry and legally bind yourselves to each other. It can be undone, of course, but the game plan is different when you're the wife and not just the girlfriend with no financial or legal ties to him.

    Forget about these male friends who have "offered to date" you. Other men shouldn't even be on your mind right now, until you figure out what is going on with your marriage. The ones offering to date you right now - especially given that this all just happened a couple days ago - are not true friends to you. A true friend would be not be trying to inset himself romantically into your life at such a tumultuous time.

    Let the dust settle a bit, yes, but at some point you and your husband will need to speak so you can decide if you want to proceed with a formal, legal separation. Indefinite No Contact isn't an option for a married couple.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    While the cat's away the mice will play? So the first thing to do is cheat? It's easy because your husband is in a different country so neither he or your "network of supportive male friends" will be aware, right? However do allow your husband to continue sending you money and supporting you, rather than file for divorce.
    Originally Posted by Astrogirl
    I have had a good support network of male friends, even asked to date them. . My husband was not mentioned in the conversation.

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    Iím thinking possibilities of long-term, should the worst case scenario happen for me. As Iíve mentioned, I donít want to be in limbo and leave the decision making all to him. I need to control me. No disrespect, RayofLighten, but I have noticed your posts to those asking for advice is quite harsh and not helpful to those emotions vulnerable. I know you mean to help but being critical may cause distress.

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    No, Iím not cheating at all. Iím not even remotely interested. My husband sending me money? Are you having a laugh? I work, he doesnít. I own property, he doesnít.

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    Yes, I understand speaking is inevitable. The no contact has kind of just happened when he didnít text me the next morning as he normally does. I havenít made contact out of fear more than anything else. But I need to think long-term regarding the worst possible outcome. I want him back but he may not want me back so I have to heal. As far as dating goes it is the last thing on my mind and Iíve told people that.

  9. #8
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    Just stop and breathe.

  10. #9
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    Thank you, Seraphim. Iím just totally going out of my mind with worry. Iíve spoken to him calmly before how upset it leaves me when he doesnít emotionally support me. He knows this is hurting me without me telling him.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Where is your kids' father? Is he supporting the under 18 y/o? How often do you see this husband? Have you met in person?
    Originally Posted by Astrogirl
    I work, he doesnít. I own property, he doesnít.

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