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Thread: Where to live?

  1. #1

    Where to live?

    My partner and I met in London just after we finished uni there, but we moved down to the south of England where my family is (not really either of our choices, but my parents offered to build us a self contained flat for very cheap rent which sold us on the idea!) However, her family is from the north of England, just under 400 miles away and a sometimes 7 and a half hour drive. She, obviously wants to be closer, which I have no issue with. However, agreeing on somewhere to live, has caused so many issues to our otherwise brilliant relationship. We left London due to money and also my partner hating London. I loved it, but wouldn't want her to stay somewhere that made her so unhappy. It doesn't matter where we visit or where I suggest, its never good enough. I feel like she is waiting for me to turn around and suggest moving to her families home town. I feel like she thinks I owe it to her because we've lived in my families home town, but it wasn't something I ever wanted to do and to be honest was already a compromise because she was so desperate to leave London. I don't want to live in the far North of England, as I have a brother and sister under the age of 10 and would miss them growing up. I have no issue being half way, but we just can't find a place to live. I've thought about us breaking up, but we are so good together, except for this. It's such a frustrating circumstance!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    England has so many small towns and big and small cities, I think it's odd you cant agree on one to live in. Have you asked her how close she wants to be to her family? If you dont much care, why dont you move closer to where her folks are? Half way sounds like a reasonable compromise to me.

  3. #3
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Clearly the two of you are not fully committed to each other; otherwise, where you lived wouldn't matter. The fact that you're thinking about breaking up is a huge indication that the two of you are not compatible for the long haul.

    England is connected with a terrific train system, so it's not like seeing her family would be impossible. Perhaps you should reconsider if she's right for you.

  4. #4
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    It sounds to me like you are unwilling to compromise.
    You think you already have because she didn’t like London and so you moved.
    But you didn’t move to compromise with her, you moved “due to money”.
    So not actually a compromise at all.

    I think she compromised by moving to your home town.
    Yes you both moved due to money , yet she went to your home town. That was her comprising , not you.

    You claim you don’t want to miss out on your younger siblings , yet you obviously lived in and loved London despite where your siblings lived. So that’s not really the issue here.

    I feel like you are just using that now as an excuse because you despite not wanting to move home , are actually enjoying it and your partner isn’t.
    You said you didn’t want your partner to stay in London or “somewhere that made her so unhappy”
    Yet it doesn’t sound like she is happy currently.

    You make it sound like you have no issues being half way , so what’s the road block here? Her or you?
    She definitely has compromised to date.
    Who isn’t agreeing to a city half way and what are the reasons given?

    Are you discussing reasons such as job opportunities, affordability etc because I really don’t see that family should be a reason for either when you have no kids and don’t need that family support for kids etc

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't move in together. Date and meet up when you can, get to know each other more and give each other time to grow. Spend more time on your respective careers; you spend time awith your young siblings and she should spend more time with her parents. Both of you aren't ready move to the next step of living together or starting a life together. Your plans are unfinished and incomplete and very premature. Let this idea go for the time being and bide your time.

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    I think you need to have a conversation with her about whether she's expecting to move up North to her parents' hometown.

    There's no point looking for halfway places if really she has no intention of ever moving to one.

    Talk to her about it and see where the conversation leads. Be honest about your reasons for not wanting to move there if that's the case. Don't fob her off with untrue reasons because she'll see through them like the others have in this thread.

  8. #7
    So she made a compromise and moved to your parents home town, now she wants you to make a compromise but you're having a hissy fit about it. You don't want her to be unhappy but it sounds like you care more about yourself.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd tell her that I'm willing to move as far north as half way. That would be a max 3 hour trip to visit both families. She gets to decide whether to 1) move there with you, or 2) move with her family and date you, or 3) break up and call it a day.

    If you don't want to move all the way to her hometown, then it makes no sense to do so, as that only flips the same problem in the other direction--solving nothing.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been together? How committed to a future together are either of you? Where do each of you have the best opportunities for work/income? How do you split costs and manage financially at this point? All these are also considerations.

    The 'who's family is more important/closer' is an argument neither of you can ever win.

    Apparently you do in fact both have issues with being away from your families and being closer to the other's family. That would be the first thing to be honest with yourselves about.
    Originally Posted by Jadethe4th
    we moved down to the south of England where my family is. her family is from the north of England. She, obviously wants to be closer, which I have no issue with. I feel like she thinks I owe it to her because we've lived in my families home town.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Butterfly~Wrists's Avatar
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    I can emphasize with this post. I've just moved from very deep into the south west up to the northern east tip of the south west for my partner. Not as much as the seven hour trip op is talking about.

    You both need to be on the and page and committed. As it can cause resentment. My partner had no understanding of how difficult it was for me living with his parents, and then he accepted a job further north than I had felt comfortable with. Luckily for us we have good communication and we did find a lovely place to live but you really need to talk about expectations and future plans.


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