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Judge Me Please - I Need a Good Kick In the Butt :)


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So I have this friend, I've posted about her before, we have not been friends that long but we've become super close - she is the girl who is dating a much older man, there was tons of drama at first, and they broke up, but they got back together and are VERY happy and in love now.

 

So now to my issue and I myself feel I am being very judgmental but I DON'T want to be!!

 

Some of you know my issues with weight in the past, and my obsessive quest to remain thin.

 

I had an eating disorder many years ago, it goes back to my mom (not blaming her, but my issues are related to her obsessive need to be thin and to keep ME thin)!

 

Anyway, I still struggle with it, although not as bad, but I still probably have a rather unhealthy attitude about weight if I'm honest.

 

So, back to my friend.

 

Within the past few weeks, she has gained a TON of weight. I would say around 25 pounds on a 5'3" frame. Which would not be so bad except she has not bought new clothes so her clothes are way too tight, she literally busts out of her blouses (buttons look like they're gonna pop), she has broken zippers, her belly spills out way over her pants and she literally looks like she's eight months pregnant! I kid you not.

 

She is definitely not pregnant we just had a discussion about birth control and she has admitted she wants no more kids, she has one already.

 

At first I was super worried cause gaining so much weight, especially in her tummy, I just didn't think was normal OR healthy.

 

I addressed it very sensitively and she assured me when she gains weight, most of it goes to her tummy so she assured me she was fine.

 

So that's all good, whew!

 

But to the eating, extremely unhealthy foods and LOTS of it, literally all day long. I spent a day with her last week and I was shocked at how much she ate in one day -- ALL unhealthy, burritos, fast food, chips, cookies, pizza, Mexican, you name it!

 

She is always telling me how fat she is (she uses that word) but it doesn't appear she wants to do anything about it, she says her bf loves her body as is (which is fabulous, truly!) but at the rate she's going, the way she eats and with most of her weight going to her tummy, I don't know how to make her understand how serious an issue it is, health wise! I also want to tell her how bad it looks appearance wise, but never would.

 

As for her busting out of all her clothes, she got super pissed off at her employer cause they called her in last week and told her she needs to dress more professionally and wear outfits that fit the image of the company. She has worked there for years and this is the first time addressing it so my guess it it does have something to do with her weight gain and how she busts out of all her clothes.

 

Guys, am I being too harsh and judgmental here? As background, I had a another friend who gained about 30 pounds a few years back but she still looked beautiful, wore tasteful clothes and ate healthy, just more than usual (her now-husband and she like to dine out a lot) which is why she gained.

 

But this situation is different, I don't know I think I need a good kick in the butt to get me out of this overly-judgmental state, which I am OWNING, and I don't like feeling this way!!

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I've always appreciated it when friends gave me honest feedback. It can sting at first, but I know it's coming from a good place. I think this could have been a good opportunity to share your own opinion:

 

As for her busting out of all her clothes, she got super pissed off at her employer cause they called her in last week and told her she needs to dress more professionally and wear outfits that fit the image of the company. She has worked there for years and this is the first time addressing it so my guess it it does have something to do with her weight gain and how she busts out of all her clothes.

 

It really depends on your friend, though, and the relationship that you have with her.

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I gained a bunch of weight a few months ago. It’s because I was depressed. Stress makes it easier to hold on to weight, plus there’s less motivation to work out or eat healthy.

 

You’re being very judgmental and it makes me sad.

 

What she eats is none of your business. What she looks like is none of your business. Her health is none of your business.

 

And remember - New clothes are expensive.

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I think you're overly concerned about something that you can't do anything about and that might not be received well if you bring it to her attention.

 

It's ultimately her problem if she is bursting out of her clothes. Her husband says he loves her body as it is, so that's all you need to know.

 

What she eats has nothing to do with you. We can't control what other people do.

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So now to my issue and I myself feel I am being very judgmental but I DON'T want to be!

 

Guys, am I being too harsh and judgmental here? As background, I had a another friend who gained about 30 pounds a few years back but she still looked beautiful, wore tasteful clothes and ate healthy, just more than usual (her now-husband and she like to dine out a lot) which is why she gained.

 

But this situation is different, I don't know I think I need a good kick in the butt to get me out of this overly-judgmental state, which I am OWNING, and I don't like feeling this way!!

Brutal honesty? YES. If anyone else had posted what you just posted, you would have been on their case for being "how can you be so judgmental!!. You people are SO judgmental!! If my friend was saying that about me ..... "etc etc. I am actually surprised what an about turn this is from your norm.

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Thank for that J, yeah I have wanted share my thoughts many times, I've actually been practicing what to say lol, but gosh I just feel I will offend her, she KNOWS she's gained, she says her bf loves her body as is, so she just keeps eating.

 

I mean what can I say really, it's her life, and her body. But when I see it happening, and her eating more and more and gaining more and more, it's just so hard.

 

I was thinking of asking her if she wants to go shopping over the weekend, I would buy some clothes for myself and help her find some new ones for her, but she keeps telling me how broke she is, can't afford to buy anything new, just needs to pay bills and put food on the table for her and her son, which I can appreciate, so never asked.

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I think due to your own preoccupation with weight, you are overly focused on hers.

 

As a friend you felt you needed to say something and you did. But from here there is no where to go with this, so I don't know what else to tell you other then to let it go.

 

It's her challenge to figure out and if it doesn't bother her, it shouldn't bother you.

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You’re being very judgmental and it makes me sad.

 

What she eats is none of your business. What she looks like is none of your business. Her health is none of your business.

 

 

Yes I have already owned all that, which is why I started this thread, because I feel it's wrong and I neither like nor want to feel that way.

 

But appreciate you saying it, cause reading it does make me stop and think, thanks!!

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Thank for that J, yeah I have wanted share my thoughts many times, I've actually been practicing what to say lol, but gosh I just feel I will offend her, she KNOWS she's gained, she says her bf loves her body as is, so she just keeps eating.

 

I mean what can I say really, it's her life, and her body. But when I see it happening, and her eating more and more and gaining more and more, it's just so hard.

 

I was thinking of asking her if she wants to go shopping over the weekend, I would buy some clothes myself and help her find some new ones for her, but she keeps telling me how broke she is, can't afford to buy anything new, just needs to pay bills and put food on the table for her and her son, which I can appreciate, so never asked.

 

Again, her weight and her money management isn't your concern. She's an adult, correct?

 

She gets to set her own standard about how she wants to look. If this is fine with her then who are you/we to say anything otherwise?

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I think due to your own preoccupation with weight, you are overly focused on hers.

 

As a friend you felt you needed to say something and you did. But from here there is no where to go with this, so I don't know what else to tell you other then to let it go.

 

It's her challenge to figure out and if it doesn't bother her, it shouldn't bother you.

 

Thanks reinvent, you're absolutely right. Probably has more to do with MY issues re weight than anything SHE is doing.

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Again, her weight and her money management isn't your concern. She's an adult, correct?

 

She gets to set her own standard about how she wants to look. If this is fine with her then who are you/we to say anything otherwise?

 

Very true!!

 

Man I needed to hear this, again thanks so much!

 

It's funny how you know something but then when other people say it, it puts it all in proper perspective and you realize how ridiculous (and yes judgmental) you sound.

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Agree with the others, in that it's her body, her burritos.

 

WRT her employer bringing up her dress, I wonder if it's a similar situation to my co-worker, who has also put on quite a bit of weight, but still wearing the same clothes, like your friend. In my co-worker's case, she is busting out of her blouses, and she doesn't realize she's actually flashing people. When you sit beside her, her buttons are pulling apart, and it's causing some unintended consequences. This may be the case with your friend....not that she's gained weight, but that the pulling of the garments is revealing more than she intends.

 

She will make her own decisions about what she eats and yes, it is judgmental.

 

The same goes for someone who loses weight.

 

Weight as a topic is so sensitive for almost everyone, and I absolutely detest when anyone mentions it. I hate when someone tells me I look "good" because I might have lost a few, because those same people are thinking I look "bad" when I gain a few. Trust me, we know when we put on weight.

 

And no, this can't be wrapped into a "But I want to be sure she's healthy" concern (I don't think you said that, but I'm just adding), because nothing has ever been definitively proven about excess weight and health. I'm actually reading a book on that now, in which the author has literally 75 pages of footnotes and bibliographies to studies which, by and large, actually prove very little about excess weight causing health problems, despite what the media wants us to believe. It's only when people get into several hundred pounds of excess weight (ever seen "My 600 Lb. Life"?).

 

So this isn't about her health, or her now-too-tight clothes, but about an aesthetic, and she's perfectly happy with it. Whether her boyfriend truly is, or is simply saying so to maintain his access to continual sex, is another topic altogether, but since I don't know him, I'll take him at his word.

 

My mom quit 2-pack a day smoking when I was little and put on....50-75? lbs., and she bounced around with that number till she died a few months ago. My father thought she was more beautiful at 84, in a walker, wrinkled, gray, and overweight, than on the day he married size 6 her. So yeah, I believe your friend's boyfriend.

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Agree with the others, in that it's her body, her burritos.

 

WRT her employer bringing up her dress, I wonder if it's a similar situation to my co-worker, who has also put on quite a bit of weight, but still wearing the same clothes, like your friend. In my co-worker's case, she is busting out of her blouses, and she doesn't realize she's actually flashing people. When you sit beside her, her buttons are pulling apart, and it's causing some unintended consequences. This may be the case with your friend....not that she's gained weight, but that the pulling of the garments is revealing more than she intends.

 

She will make her own decisions about what she eats and yes, it is judgmental.

 

The same goes for someone who loses weight.

 

Weight as a topic is so sensitive for almost everyone, and I absolutely detest when anyone mentions it. I hate when someone tells me I look "good" because I might have lost a few, because those same people are thinking I look "bad" when I gain a few. Trust me, we know when we put on weight.

 

And no, this can't be wrapped into a "But I want to be sure she's healthy" concern (I don't think you said that, but I'm just adding), because nothing has ever been definitively proven about excess weight and health. I'm actually reading a book on that now, in which the author has literally 75 pages of footnotes and bibliographies to studies which, by and large, actually prove very little about excess weight causing health problems, despite what the media wants us to believe. It's only when people get into several hundred pounds of excess weight (ever seen "My 600 Lb. Life"?).

 

So this isn't about her health, or her now-too-tight clothes, but about an aesthetic, and she's perfectly happy with it. Whether her boyfriend truly is, or is simply saying so to maintain his access to continual sex, is another topic altogether, but since I don't know him, I'll take him at his word.

 

My mom quit 2-pack a day smoking when I was little and put on....50-75? lbs., and she bounced around with that number till she died a few months ago. My father thought she was more beautiful at 84, in a walker, wrinkled, gray, and overweight, than on the day he married size 6 her. So yeah, I believe your friend's boyfriend.

Exactly ,my husband said he loves me more 30 years later even if I’m some pounds heavier . He doesn’t care.

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Thnx for chiming in LHG,; I am glad you can relate (sort of) and yes it does sound very similar if not identical to what you're experiencing with your co-worker.

 

And yes, same as your situation, causing some unintended consequences, which others in the office have mentioned are quite offensive to them. I did not want to go into all that, but I would venture to guess it was brought to the attention of management which is why she was called in.

 

You brought up some excellent points and I agree. I really hesitated starting this thread because I know what a sensitive topic it is, and how I would be harshly judged, heck I am harshly judging myself!

 

But I am glad I did because no matter how wrong it is to judge like this, I was really struggling with it.

 

Most of the comments, even the harsh ones, have really put things in proper perspective for me and I feel much better.

 

Oh and I just wanted to say how I hear ya about people complimenting me when I lose a few pounds or look nice or beautiful, because imo it only over-emphasizes the importance of beauty in our society and how, at least for me, actually causes me to become overly-conscious of my appearance to the point of becoming unhealthy, which is precisely why I developed the eating disorder in the first place!

 

But then here I am (or was) judging my friend for the exact same thing I am criticizing others (in society) for -- over-emphasizing the importance of weight and beauty, because you're right LHG, my "concern" really had nothing to do with health at all, but about aesthetics.

 

Thanks so much. :)

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It's unfortunate, but the reach for food shows up on our bodies in a way that a reach for alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs, does not. Supermodels are often praised for how skinny they are, despite the fact that many admit to drug use.

 

The book I'm reading was brought on by the author's own fight to save her anorexic daughter's life, and she uncovered so much stereotyping about weight, and how our perceptions have changed even as little as the last few decades. Seems that in societies where food is scarce, the ideal is to be fat, and where food is plentiful, the ideal is bone-thin.

 

She cited a short story that I ended up reading about a writer who spent a year with a tribe in Africa where they purposely fatten up young girls so they can grow up to be fat (their words). In their world, not only is fat extremely sexy, what they aim for is stretch marks, particularly on the arms, as that is the last place you usually get stretch marks. To get arm stretch marks as a grown woman, you have finally arrived at their ideal aesthetic. That, and neck rings.

 

In their part of the world, where one literally has to hunt for their food and carry water on top of their heads, if a woman has been "fattened" (again, their word), the men find them extremely desirable, because it shows access to food sources, nutrition, nurturing, and the men find that extremely sexy.

 

I need to move there, lol.

 

Back to your situation with your friend.....no, you are not being judgmental, and no, you are not being harsh, and no, this is not a bad topic. This is a great discussion actually. I think the consensus is to just love your friend for who she is, doughnuts and all, and if or when she comes to you for weight/food advice, that's when to give it.

 

OK one more slightly related story.....

 

My thin sister has 2 teenage daughters, both great girls. One is thin, one is larger. Both are beautiful.

 

My sister's husband's mother is unbelievably weight-conscious and makes weight comments constantly. To anyone, about anyone, she doesn't care. Every. Single. Time. she sees me, her first comment is about my weight 'o the day. "Oh LHG, you look so much better than the last time I saw you! You've lost weight!". She once said to me, "Oh my god, I'm so glad you don't look as bad in person as you did in that last picture I saw of you. You looked so heavy, and you must have been so unhappy". Yeah, that bad. FWIW, I'm about 10 lbs. overweight.

 

So anyway, she makes horrible, disturbing comments to the larger of the two, since she was young. Horrid comments, about how sad it is that she doesn't look as good as her sister in that new dress she's so excited about, stuff like that. I've seen this sweet, funny, intelligent girl cry so often about her own grandmother, bullying her about her weight. Guess what....it makes her want to eat.

 

My mother, who certainly had tons of faults, passed away earlier this year, and the larger of the granddaughters was so distraught that she couldn't go to school all week, and she wrote the most eloquent, beautiful eulogy I've ever heard. Seems my mom was her biggest cheerleader, defending her against her other grandmother about the weight comments, and this girl still cries about missing her "grammy". She's so sad that she no longer has supportive grammy around, in her corner, but only has judgmental grandma, making sure she knows that she'll never get dates to the dances like her thin sister.

 

These comments hurt, no matter who we tell them to. I've made it my mission with this niece to pick up the void my mother left, regarding her self-image. She needs to know how beautiful she is, and how accepted she is. We all do.

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Well, I'm with Jibralta. I think an honest friend is a true friend. I wouldn't give her unsolicited advice but if she kept on to me about how fat she was, then I would gently point out to her that there are more healthier alternatives then the third burrito she's just woofed down.

 

You're judging her because you are concerned about how her weight gain will affect her health. Diabetes comes to mind since all of her weight appears to be on her middle. Surely she has a mirror and now that her employer has instructed her to dress more professionally maybe you two could go on a shopping trip together to help her look more presentable.

 

I think many of us, with age, gain weight. I think ALL of us want to look our best no matter how much of it we gain. I would want my friends to tell me if I was dressing inappropriately for my size. I'd rather they told me then being called into HR and them telling me.

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What a beautiful post LHG - a real gem, one of the best I've read on this forum under any topic. Thank you for posting it! :D

 

>>My sister's husband's mother is unbelievably weight-conscious and makes weight comments constantly. To anyone, about anyone, she doesn't care. Every. Single. Time. she sees me, her first comment is about my weight 'o the day. "Oh LHG, you look so much better than the last time I saw you! You've lost weight!". She once said to me, "Oh my god, I'm so glad you don't look as bad in person as you did in that last picture I saw of you. You looked so heavy, and you must have been so unhappy". Yeah, that bad.

 

^^This was my mom. No my mom was MUCH worse!! Not so much towards others but towards me while growing up and even into my adult years until she died in 2014.

 

She was a model for many years in New York, extremely beautiful and VERY thin all her life, truly, like up to the day she died even with her illness.

 

And she was very harsh on me re my weight (and looks); I won't go into it, and I have forgiven her.

 

But it has left a very negative imprint on my life re my weight, that as I said I still struggle with.

 

Oh and I am very sorry to hear of your mom's passing, may she RIP.

 

It sounds like she was a wonderful and beautiful (inside and out) woman and human being (((hugs)).

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Well, I'm with Jibralta. I think an honest friend is a true friend. I wouldn't give her unsolicited advice but if she kept on to me about how fat she was, then I would gently point out to her that there are more healthier alternatives then the third burrito she's just woofed down.

 

You're judging her because you are concerned about how her weight gain will affect her health. Diabetes comes to mind since all of her weight appears to be on her middle. Surely she has a mirror and now that her employer has instructed her to dress more professionally maybe you two could go on a shopping trip together to help her look more presentable.

 

I think many of us, with age, gain weight. I think ALL of us want to look our best no matter how much of it we gain. I would want my friends to tell me if I was dressing inappropriately for my size. I'd rather they told me then being called into HR and them telling me.

 

Well I was concerned about her health at first, with her weight being in the middle, but if I am truly honest, it was more about aesthetics as LHG pointed out, or perhaps a combination of both, with an emphasis on aesthetics. Just being honest.

 

I did actually bring up the shopping trip, or was planning to, but she turned that down (see my previous post).

 

I think I'm just going to leave it alone for now. She has assured me her health is good, so other than that, as others have said, is it really any of my business how she chooses to look in her clothes?

 

She's perfectly aware of how "fat" (her word) she's getting, her bf doesn't care, hell maybe he even likes her fat, who knows!

 

I will think about your post though only because I have TONS of respect for you, and always value what you have to say, thanks!

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You mentioned it to her so she has your thoughts on it, Kat. If she herself keeps up saying how fat she is, that would be when I would bring it up again because clearly it means she's not happy with herself.

 

I remember a friend of ours adult daughter was still wearing her far too tight clothing. She actually bought a top that fit her properly and it looked awesome on her new frame. She kept on about how much too big the top was. Go figure!

 

Cheers chica... Respect and value your opinions and advice as well.

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I guess this hits a nerve with me. I’m glad you see where you are in the wrong Katrina. I wish my exes mom would have seen her judgements.

 

I was overweight when I met my ex and working on losing weight. His mother was horrid! She would constantly badger me and be manipulative about my weight gain. She even portioned out my meals!

 

It was to the point I would go home and binge. I’m not saying she made me gain weight, I chose to binge. It was just what she was doing was giving the opposite of her intentions so I kept gaining weight.

 

Now that I’m out of that relationship four years ago. I know I’m still very heavy so even with her out of my life I kept that same mindset.

 

You can think you’re helping someone but in reality impacting them in a negative way.

 

I’ve noticed now in my current relationship because he doesn’t care how much I weigh, doesn’t harp on me about what I eat. I can see my weight loss journey much more clear then I did before.

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It's unfortunate, but the reach for food shows up on our bodies in a way that a reach for alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs, does not. Supermodels are often praised for how skinny they are, despite the fact that many admit to drug use.

 

The book I'm reading was brought on by the author's own fight to save her anorexic daughter's life, and she uncovered so much stereotyping about weight, and how our perceptions have changed even as little as the last few decades. Seems that in societies where food is scarce, the ideal is to be fat, and where food is plentiful, the ideal is bone-thin.

 

She cited a short story that I ended up reading about a writer who spent a year with a tribe in Africa where they purposely fatten up young girls so they can grow up to be fat (their words). In their world, not only is fat extremely sexy, what they aim for is stretch marks, particularly on the arms, as that is the last place you usually get stretch marks. To get arm stretch marks as a grown woman, you have finally arrived at their ideal aesthetic. That, and neck rings.

 

In their part of the world, where one literally has to hunt for their food and carry water on top of their heads, if a woman has been "fattened" (again, their word), the men find them extremely desirable, because it shows access to food sources, nutrition, nurturing, and the men find that extremely sexy.

 

I need to move there, lol.

 

Back to your situation with your friend.....no, you are not being judgmental, and no, you are not being harsh, and no, this is not a bad topic. This is a great discussion actually. I think the consensus is to just love your friend for who she is, doughnuts and all, and if or when she comes to you for weight/food advice, that's when to give it.

 

OK one more slightly related story.....

 

My thin sister has 2 teenage daughters, both great girls. One is thin, one is larger. Both are beautiful.

 

My sister's husband's mother is unbelievably weight-conscious and makes weight comments constantly. To anyone, about anyone, she doesn't care. Every. Single. Time. she sees me, her first comment is about my weight 'o the day. "Oh LHG, you look so much better than the last time I saw you! You've lost weight!". She once said to me, "Oh my god, I'm so glad you don't look as bad in person as you did in that last picture I saw of you. You looked so heavy, and you must have been so unhappy". Yeah, that bad. FWIW, I'm about 10 lbs. overweight.

 

So anyway, she makes horrible, disturbing comments to the larger of the two, since she was young. Horrid comments, about how sad it is that she doesn't look as good as her sister in that new dress she's so excited about, stuff like that. I've seen this sweet, funny, intelligent girl cry so often about her own grandmother, bullying her about her weight. Guess what....it makes her want to eat.

 

My mother, who certainly had tons of faults, passed away earlier this year, and the larger of the granddaughters was so distraught that she couldn't go to school all week, and she wrote the most eloquent, beautiful eulogy I've ever heard. Seems my mom was her biggest cheerleader, defending her against her other grandmother about the weight comments, and this girl still cries about missing her "grammy". She's so sad that she no longer has supportive grammy around, in her corner, but only has judgmental grandma, making sure she knows that she'll never get dates to the dances like her thin sister.

 

These comments hurt, no matter who we tell them to. I've made it my mission with this niece to pick up the void my mother left, regarding her self-image. She needs to know how beautiful she is, and how accepted she is. We all do.

 

This story breaks my heart and makes my blood boil. Why doesnt her family stick up for her? How can her Mother & Father sit by & let the grandmother belittle their Daughter?

 

If this was my Daughter the Grandmother would only ever speak badly about her once.

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So I have this friend,... she is the girl who is dating a much older man

 

He doesn't mind her appearance because (a) loves her for who she is (b) it actually might give him some feeling of security, as in she isn't keeping herself trim so she is more physically attractive to men her own age, © both.

 

Anyway, my concern is that you might be projecting some of your own feelings about weight issues on to her. You raised it gently, she waved it away. I'd go quietly on it, given the thing about her employer, because she was angry about that.

 

Next time you are out and she's hungry, why not say you feel like grilled fish and salad instead of Mexican food? Sun Tzu favors the indirect approach.

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A similar thing happened to me long ago - I was the one gaining weight. I wish someone would have kicked me in the butt at the time and said something.

 

In my experience most don't eat heaps more junk just because. Generally there's something that triggers this behaviour such as depression, a medical condition, etc. Has your friend been to the doctor?

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