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Thread: I feel lost. Please help

  1. #1

    I feel lost. Please help

    Please help me. I feel so lost right now.

    I'm 24 and I broke up with my 22 year old girlfriend on Friday. Our two-year anniversary would have been this month. On Thursday night I suddenly "knew" I had to break up with her on Friday, and I told myself to just go through with it and not think about it. So on Friday I broke up with her, and of course it was difficult.

    Now I'm sitting here missing her, wondering why I would break up with her. She was incredible. She was my best friend in every way. I can't stop thinking about her smile, her laugh, our inside jokes, how it felt to see her face at my front door. I can't stop thinking about our trip to Europe last year, and another trip we took together earlier. I can't stop thinking about how much I love her. I can't stop crying and I feel so hopeless.

    Admittedly I thought it was sort of a long time coming, as I'd been having my doubts about whether I wanted to be in the relationship anymore. Did I still love her the same? Was I still attracted to her the same? I'll admit I had wanted to break up for a little while, but never did because I loved her too much. Suddenly I decided to break up and went through with it, but now I'm thinking what a mistake it was. Now I'm thinking there was a reason I didn't break up with her, because maybe deep down I knew I wanted to try and make it work. But I read all this stuff online about how relationships shouldn't be forced or shouldn't be too difficult. Now I'm thinking it was my own stupid insecurities about how I look, about my (lack of a) career, and that I've been so immaturely thinking "I'd like to have sex with other girls". Now that we've broken up I can't stop thinking about her, and the thought of other girls disgusts me, i don't even want to bother pursuing anybody else.

    This isn't my first relationship. I've been in "love" before but this is the one where I fell head over heels because she was exactly who I'd been waiting for. How could I give that up over some stupid feelings of lust or insecurity or being a bit less turned on by her than at the start?

    I'm realizing that I've been super immature - sure the "honeymoon" phase is over, but this girl is the love of my life. She's my best friend. She's been there for me no matter what, through thick and thin, loving me unconditionally. I love her a ton and care for her a ton as well. We're alike in so many ways, I've never met another person who "got me" quite like her. I've been stressed out because of unemployment, feeling like a loser, my confidence dwindles more each day. I've felt this sadness and self-hate building up more and more, something I tried pushing deeper inside of myself to be with her. Our sex life died down a bit (still had regular sex, just not 2-3 times a night anymore), but now I'm thinking... Isn't that normal after the honeymoon phase ends? Isn't it about the emotional connection, the way you feel about who this person is, not their physical features? I'll admit that I masturbate a lot and I feel like that had something to do with the way I felt regarding this too. It was so easy looking at models and other girls online, getting to pick and choose whoever I wanted - it made me think maybe I want something else - but now I realize how completely hollow that feels. Life is about so much more than sex, especially when you love somebody and they love you. I'll admit I was less sexually attracted to her than when we first started dating. But we had an amazing bond, all these inside jokes and memories, I miss talking to her and kissing her and holding her tight even though it's only been three days.

    I also joined as part of a successful backing band which will be touring a bit, and I'm starting a web-design course in another city which will both take up a lot more of my time and I knew that might cause issues in our relationship. I'll be honest and say that I didn't bring it up with her though, I don't really know why. Lately I've been feeling sort of dull and numb, like I can't talk about my emotions or my fears. She's so supportive of me in everything I do so I feel like something is wrong with me. Now I'm feeling like I shouldn't have jumped into a breakup, I should have brought everything up and talked to her and figured out what she thought. Normally we do discuss things, we've had very emotional discussions so I know I can share anything. I don't know why I didn't bring it up. I'm kicking myself in the head.

    I honestly can't tell is the way I feel is just normal after breaking up with someone, or if I've made a huge mistake and let go of someone who means the world to me. Is this a sign I need to man up and be her man, accept that life is more than sex? Or is this a sign that I'm just a pathetic loser who is so insecure that he felt scared to be "trapped" with one person? I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for all the text.

  2. #2
    I should add I've been having some mental issues regarding suicidal thoughts recently too. I feel so lost and confused about all of this, maybe I need a therapist but I've done that before and it didn't seem to help me. I feel like nothing will help.

  3. #3
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    Im sorry for your pain. Is there anyway you can communicate these problems you are having to her? Tell her what you said here. How shes the love of your life and best friend? Just open up to her. Youll never know unless you try.

  4. #4
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    It sounds like she may be a great girl, but you just aren't ready for a serious relationship just yet. There's nothing wrong with that. You'll be ready to settle down after you've seen the grass on the other side.

    It's also normal to second guess your decisions, but you made a decision. Own it. Don't lead her through on again off again bs while you sort through your own feelings. She doesn't deserve that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I do believe you when you say you feel like a loser. Not having a steady job or income or a particular identity formed will affect what you put out in a relationship or what you are able to contribute. That's just the basics. You're not imagining things.

    If you feel inadequate with your partner, it's unhealthy overall and neither of you deserve to be in that position. I'm going to give another perspective as well: From woman to woman I also hold my fellow sex in high esteem and I think it's rather hairbrained of her to attempt dating someone or giving someone like you hope of happiness in a relationship. She should know better and if she's taken the break up with grace, that's her acknowledgment of how imbalanced and unhealthy this situation has been. If she's fought against the break up, I'd question her ability to think for herself and ask you to re-evaluate how highly you think of her.

    Both of you need time to grow and to do it gracefully and give each other room to do so. It goes both ways, in my mind, so stop taking all the blame and the burden, pick yourself up off the ground, put this past relationship behind you and when you're ready, waddle out of the pool of tears and into the sunlight again. There's more in store for you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    You're young. The panic after ending thing is actually pretty normal. Do not knee jerk and beg for her back, though.

    The reasons never seem as important when you are in pain, but don't tell yourself they don't matter. I guarantee if you do start up with her again right away, the same doubts will creep in again. Give it some time.

  8. #7
    Firstly, relationship advice online is not applicable to everyone, so you should always go with your heart and not look to online sites. I actually think you did the right thing breaking up with her though because it really sounds like you need to take care of yourself for a while. Yes, seek therapy and make sense of all your thoughts. I think what someone said about opening up to this girl about all this is a good idea too. Tell her everything you said and hopefully she can support you while you regain yourself, maybe then you can both start afresh later on.

  9. #8
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    She sounds like a wonderful, great, supportive girl friend, just not the one for you. No where in your post did you say you were happy. You said you loved her several times, posed a lot of questions, but I don't think once you mentioned that you were happy. I think if you were happy, you wouldn't of broken up with her.
    Now, this could of been your dream girl 2 years ago, but you have evolved and perhaps your requirements are different. There are a lot of posts asking "did I do the right thing?" Ill answer that by replying "Only time will tell". She maybe the one for you, maybe she isn't, but right now where you are at in your stage of life, she is not the one for you. Maybe in a few years after you two date other people you can say she was the one or you might find the next 'girl of your dreams' in the next few months. You never know.
    I know its easy to go back and think "did I do the right thing?". What I think you must do is believe what you did was the right thing to do and accept it. If you didn't want to do it, the you wouldn't of done it. So stick to your beliefs.
    This might be the best thing in the world for the two of you. Maybe she will find her next dream guy and you will find yours. You never know.


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