Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Breakup decision to make

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Posts
    3

    Breakup decision to make

    Ok so this is kind of long but Iíll try to keep it short as possible. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 7 years ,we have a 5.5 year old daughter together. About 2.5 years ago i caught her cheating. It was not a one time thing nor was it with just one guy. We agreed to try to work thru things and she promised she would do anything to make it work and since we have a daughter i agreed. Things were great for a while ( she actually put effort in and seemed interested in me). Can people really change ? She swears she is not the same person anymore. Anyway i still struggle with that especially lately since things seem to have gotten back to the way they were before. Total lack of interest on her part , things she does that seem selfish to me that she doesnít see that way. Example. Just the other day i was asking about vacation this summer. I mention renting a house on the beach for a few days she tells me to have fun with that and that she has a trip planned out of state in August to see her granny and one planned for the 4th to go ride atvís with her family out of state . She asked me about going on the 4th and i wanted to go but i told her i most likely would not be able to get off work . I work in the oilfield . She knew that yet booked the cabin for the trip anyhow. Does that not seem selfish or is it just me? Anyhow that argument opened a whole can of worms and me telling her i wasnít happy with things lately and she pretty much tells me that i need to make a decision . Sheís tired of defending herself about the infidelity. Which i try my best not to bring up but when she shows no interest and their has been a couple times she has stayed out all night i ask her if she may be seeing or talking to someone else . She just gets defensive and treats me like Iím stupid for asking and like i beat her up over it. Anyway i donít know what to do . But Iím getting tired of the way things are. Iíve almost come to realize that nothing is really gonna change and that if i want to be happy Iím just gonna have to end things with her. Any suggestions or comments ?

  2. #2
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    412
    Gender
    Male
    Personally i could never forgive a cheater, especially if it's happened multiple times and with multiple people. You can still be a good dad to your daughter. You don't need to be with someone who will treat you so bad. I'm sorry to say this but i think she has lost respect for you. You don't sound very happy regardless of whether she is currently cheating or not. WHat advice would you give someone in the same situation?

    Please use paragraphs too, makes it easier to read.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Posts
    3
    Iím not happy with the way things are at all. Youíre right i would probably tell someone else to move on .

  4. #4
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    887
    Gender
    Female
    Every time someone asks the forum what they should do and it involves a child or breaking down a marriage(you're not married to her but I'm speaking in other instances), I have to think twice about answering because the information usually shared with the forum is too superficial to really come up with any real decision on what you should do. There is just no way for us to fully know the scope or breadth of what's going on between the both of you during these years.

    From the outset, it looks dismal and I agree with Ninja that she's lost respect for you but so have you for her. She's resentful but so are you for the past and that world of resentment continues to hurt both of you and affect your lives as a family and your future together. I'd suggest family or couples counselling if you're both invested in making it work. She's telling you that you need to make a decision about moving forward with her which also suggests that she's willing to put in the effort if she knows that you are too. The decision is really yours(ball is in your court). Treat her and the marriage seriously or walk away. You're not doing anyone any favours by dragging your feet or prolonging this. She deserves some happiness also, regardless of her mistakes.

    I firmly believe in growth and chances for growth, making mistakes and growing. When you mentioned she was with other guys it glossed over a lot of details and begs a lot of questions such as 1) why aren't you both more committed to each other or married for instance, 2) normally women with children don't go out sleeping with random men or put their children in danger. For a woman to do so would suggest that she's emotionally unstable, upset or seriously affected by her home or personal life to some extent (severely destabilized). This doesn't look good on you, CTH, because you're a part of that or were a part of that. It's up to you how you want to go about this.

  5.  

  6. #5

    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Posts
    3
    Well it started probably 2.5 years into our relationship. Not long after our daughter was born. I suspected it for a long time and would ask her if everything was ok she would just assure me everything was fine. That went on for probably a year or more . Then once i caught her she was a totally different person. She was sweet and tried to be involved . She would come see me at work etc. But thatís all changed again. I pay 90% of our bills and she spends most of her money on herself . Hair makeup tattoos etc. While i rarely buy myself anything. I just feel like she is a selfish person and has no respect for me

  7. #6
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    887
    Gender
    Female
    I don't feel it's helpful pointing fingers or reducing your relationship further. The reason mostly is because you both share a child. Things are not working. We understand that. Let's think through a few things.

    The points you'll need to go over regarding this relationship:
    -resentment over the past
    -resentment over shared expenses and financial management
    -lack of respect

    What you think of her personally, frankly, matters very little. It's what you do with the information going forward that counts from now onwards and how you behave as a father. Your daughter will continue to be your daughter regardless of what happens in this relationship. It'd be best if you try to check your emotions as much as possible and look at solutions on how to move forward becoming a better person and father to your daughter and try and decide how best to live a happier life going forward.

  8. #7
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    412
    Gender
    Male
    Yep, if she refuses relationship councilling i think it's time to cut ties romantically and get to working on whats mutually best for your daughter. You deserve to be happy. So does your daughter.

    It is hard to comment when children are involved but i grew up in a hateful household where my parents hated each other and took it out on me. Believe me when i say, first hand, a child would get more from you both being apart and individual loving parents than sticking togehter and fighting or worse all the time. It doesn't have to come to this yet though.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    California
    Posts
    4,054
    Gender
    Male
    I cannot tell you what should you do about the ending or continuing your relationship. That decision should ultimately be done with you and your GF or you alone. But a question of "Am I happy?" should be asked.
    Now, if I was a friend of your having a drink and you told me what was going on. I would suggest counseling. Your job should have an EAP that you can utilize. Use it and find a counselor who deals with relationships. Go with YOU alone at first and then the counselor will suggest when its a good time to bring in your GF. Don't make any big life changing decisions yet until you have a clear focus in mind.
    You are not racing against any clock, but you cant be living like this forever either. So please, take the time, do some homework and contact your EAP and talk to a professional. Start there.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •