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Becoming estranged from my family


Beastelstein

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Some background: last year around this time my girlfriend and I were going through a pretty substantial mental health problems (she's bipolar and I'm autistic). Between the problems in my relationships and other issues I wound up attempting suicide. Ever since then there's been some animosity between my family and girlfriend because they're blaming her for my suicide attempt (my sister in particular).

 

Things have been a lot better in the past year, my gf and I get along, I got a better job and I moved. I managed to get my gf and mom on good terms for awhile but was struggling to set things right with my sister. Back around thanksgiving my sister refused to let my gf come over for the holiday which caused greater tension. A few months ago I met with my sister to attempt to smooth things over and she wanted an apology letter from my gf, I thought it would go over better with her but it caused more frustration.

 

Yesterday my mom invited me to do family therapy in a couple months but as soon as I mentioned it to my gf she got up in arms thinking she was being excluded from it. Her and my mom got in a dispute so now they're on bad terms again. I love my gf and my family even though I'v3 had problems with both of them throughout life. Me and her live together hundreds of miles away and have pets together. I want to maintain the life I have without having to cut my family out but both parties want me to choose.

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Depending on how old you both are and how much financial or emotional support you're receiving from your family, I'm not so sure about your family dynamics there, Beastelstein. I'd start controlling or limiting the amount of personal information you both share with your family members in general and start operating on a more independent level as a couple.

 

You have good intentions it seems but you're not fully functioning as an independent adult.

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Your gf seems to be the main factor in all these fallouts. It's family therapy. She's not family. No one should force you to choose so don't. Tell them they either both accept how things are or you will walk out on them all. Don't let them force you to chose. You have your own mind.

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Depending on how old you both are and how much financial or emotional support you're receiving from your family, I'm not so sure about your family dynamics there, Beastelstein. I'd start controlling or limiting the amount of personal information you both share with your family members in general and start operating on a more independent level as a couple.

 

You have good intentions it seems but you're not fully functioning as an independent adult.

 

I've been a little more independent in the last couple years. It's just that having to become very distant from my family because of a conflict is a little saddening.

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Excellent you got a new job and moved. You do not need family therapy with your mother/sister. You need individual therapy to address the suicide attempt and other issues. Be polite and friendly and kind with your family. Let everyone have their own issues and stop bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders. Stop forcing people together. That perpetuates the already severe dysfunction in the family.

 

Your sister is the one with the issues. She is in complete denial of your problems. No one "causes" a suicide attempt. If she continues to act like an ass and disrespects your relationship/gf distance yourself further from her. You need to cut the cord and the apron strings no matter how tightly your mother is pulling them and especially steer clear of your sister and her controlling manipulating behavior.

 

They are causing great stress and unhappiness. Sadly they are so toxic that this suggestion of "family therapy" with them is sheer poison. Accept them as flawed people, love them but see them for who they are and accept it. Do not try to force fit or change them.

Things have been a lot better in the past year, my gf and I get along, I got a better job and I moved. thanksgiving my sister refused to let my gf come over for the holiday which caused greater tension. Yesterday my mom invited me to do family therapy

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I've been a little more independent in the last couple years. It's just that having to become very distant from my family because of a conflict is a little saddening.

 

I agree with you. I think however that a partner should evoke feelings of security, independence and freedom in both your lives. Your life with her should feel fulfilled and without the strong need for family approval. There's no peace between the parties and that's why you're torn.

 

Try and work out in your own mind what the cause for the rifts are. Depending on what they are, you should make decisions that you feel comfortable with regarding your own personal relationships. The areas are very gray in this area and different people from different upbringings, countries, walks of life and personal beliefs will all have different ideas. You're the one who should be making decisions for yourself so start with the problems whether they are communication issues or too much communication in general.

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There's no law that says your family and your GF 'must' like one another OR get along. I'd negotiate the degree of inclusion GF wants you to have with her family in exchange for her staying out of contact with yours. I'd make occasional trips to visit family and speak with them as often as it suits me, but my days of trying to play social worker would be over.

 

If family raises GF with you, I'd tell them that we can talk about anything in the world except for GF--she's off limits. Anyone who doesn't 'like' that, it's too bad, so sad. They're just using her as a manipulation device to make you miserable for being with her. Skip that, and Next.

 

Same with GF. She IS excluded from family gatherings because she cannot resist fighting with your mother. So those are her boundaries, and if she cannot accept this, then she's welcome to make her own choices about your relationship because you are not going to play.

 

Boom, done. Everyone lives in peace--at least to your face, and anyone who wants to push their agenda on you is told that they can keep it to themselves.

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Why is your sister so negative towards your girlfriend? Did you girlfriend do things to deserve it? How did the sister find out about anything if the girlfriend did do things to make you unhappy?

 

As for the family therapy, your family has a right to suggest that and if you and your girlfriend aren't married or even engaged, then she really has no right to complain.

 

But I do wonder what caused the rift between your gf and sister.

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Okay, so you say that you had a suicide attempt and you and your gf had been fighting loads beforehand...how did the sister know this?

 

Your sister is being too overbearing in my opinion. She has a right to check to see if you are okay (now and then) but she does not have a right to know all about you and your gf's personal problems.

She also does not have a right to be demanding an apology letter and belittling your gf like that.

In short, your sister needs to back off and you need to sort out your personal issues that caused the suicide attempt and to re-consider if the gf is even someone who is going to be a good person in your life.

 

Couples fight from time to time. It's normal. What's not normal is if it becomes daily or even weekly and if it is screaming, yelling or threatening.

It's also not normal if it pushes you to consider ending your life.

But even if you do decide to end things with your gf, that's not your sisters business or your mother's.

 

You as a grown man would make that decision all on your own.

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Why is your sister so negative towards your girlfriend? Did you girlfriend do things to deserve it? How did the sister find out about anything if the girlfriend did do things to make you unhappy?

 

As for the family therapy, your family has a right to suggest that and if you and your girlfriend aren't married or even engaged, then she really has no right to complain.

 

But I do wonder what caused the rift between your gf and sister.

 

Months before the suicide attempt there was a fight that caused the police to be involved but my girlfriend has made a lot of progress in her own mental health since then but my sister hasn't been giving her much of a chance.

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Okay, so you say that you had a suicide attempt and you and your gf had been fighting loads beforehand...how did the sister know this?

 

Your sister is being too overbearing in my opinion. She has a right to check to see if you are okay (now and then) but she does not have a right to know all about you and your gf's personal problems.

She also does not have a right to be demanding an apology letter and belittling your gf like that.

In short, your sister needs to back off and you need to sort out your personal issues that caused the suicide attempt and to re-consider if the gf is even someone who is going to be a good person in your life.

 

Couples fight from time to time. It's normal. What's not normal is if it becomes daily or even weekly and if it is screaming, yelling or threatening.

It's also not normal if it pushes you to consider ending your life.

But even if you do decide to end things with your gf, that's not your sisters business or your mother's.

 

You as a grown man would make that decision all on your own.

 

Exactly and what I've tried explaining to my family time and time again was that the fights weren't the only thing pushing me. I was underemployed, poor, didn't get accepted into grad school and most importantly I was on a medication that really didn't agree with me. I stopped taking meds last fall and I feel like they did more harm than good in my case.

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Did you ever explain to your family or sister that your gf wasn't the cause of your suicide attempt? Do they know this? If you already explained that your gf was not the cause of your suicide attempt, then your sister is forcing you to choose sides; it's either her or your gf. She's forcing you to have allegiance either with her or your gf and giving you this ultimatum. Your sister is manipulating the brother-sister relationship with you. Don't engage in this game.

 

It's good news that your gf and mom are currently on peaceful terms.

 

Not including your gf for TG (Thanksgiving) is not fine. Your sister is demonstrating a passive aggressive act by excluding your gf for the holidays. Either you attend your family's traditional holiday celebrations without your gf in tow or stay home with your gf and pets.

 

As for your sister insisting upon an apology letter from your gf, I doubt it will be forthcoming if ever. What does your gf have to apologize for? What did she say to your sister that would warrant a sincere apology? Was your sister disrespected by your gf? You need to find out what the source of this ire is. Either resolve it as peacemaker or live your own life with your gf while severing contact with your sister.

 

Since you're hundreds of miles apart, perhaps it's for the best. Out of sight, out of mind. Take care of your pets and carve out your own happiness. Congratulations on the better job and new move. Get a fresh start. Sometimes estrangement is the only way to attain peace.

 

I hope for your sake, estrangement is not the final answer. I hope at least everyone can be civil toward one another. Either try to get to the bottom of the need for any apology letter, find out what the reason of this discord is between your sister and gf or don't bother at all and figure out how to have separate but equal peace.

 

I despise a certain in-law to the core due to this particular person's very rude, disrespectful behavior towards members of my immediate family and me. We've had major arguments regarding this chronic, habitual pattern and certain people in the family coming to this person's defense. It became very ugly and nasty. I've since given up. It's to the point now where I'm done. We briefly see one another perhaps once or twice a year at best, we're civil toward one another yet frosty and distant. It works. Sometimes people are simply incompatible and you have to grudgingly accept it. You don't have to like it but you have to accept it. After doing long and hard thinking about this, then you do a work around so you keep the peace while enforcing strict, healthy boundaries.

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Did you ever explain to your family or sister that your gf wasn't the cause of your suicide attempt? Do they know this? If you already explained that your gf was not the cause of your suicide attempt, then your sister is forcing you to choose sides; it's either her or your gf. She's forcing you to have allegiance either with her or your gf and giving you this ultimatum. Your sister is manipulating the brother-sister relationship with you. Don't engage in this game.

 

It's good news that your gf and mom are currently on peaceful terms.

 

Not including your gf for TG (Thanksgiving) is not fine. Your sister is demonstrating a passive aggressive act by excluding your gf for the holidays. Either you attend your family's traditional holiday celebrations without your gf in tow or stay home with your gf and pets.

 

As for your sister insisting upon an apology letter from your gf, I doubt it will be forthcoming if ever. What does your gf have to apologize for? What did she say to your sister that would warrant a sincere apology? Was your sister disrespected by your gf? You need to find out what the source of this ire is. Either resolve it as peacemaker or live your own life with your gf while severing contact with your sister.

 

Since you're hundreds of miles apart, perhaps it's for the best. Out of sight, out of mind. Take care of your pets and carve out your own happiness. Congratulations on the better job and new move. Get a fresh start. Sometimes estrangement is the only way to attain peace.

 

I hope for your sake, estrangement is not the final answer. I hope at least everyone can be civil toward one another. Either try to get to the bottom of the need for any apology letter, find out what the reason of this discord is between your sister and gf or don't bother at all and figure out how to have separate but equal peace.

 

I despise a certain in-law to the core due to this particular person's very rude, disrespectful behavior towards members of my immediate family and me. We've had major arguments regarding this chronic, habitual pattern and certain people in the family coming to this person's defense. It became very ugly and nasty. I've since given up. It's to the point now where I'm done. We briefly see one another perhaps once or twice a year at best, we're civil toward one another yet frosty and distant. It works. Sometimes people are simply incompatible and you have to grudgingly accept it. You don't have to like it but you have to accept it. After doing long and hard thinking about this, then you do a work around so you keep the peace while enforcing strict, healthy boundaries.

 

I know they've exchanged some harsh words with one another but nothing beyond that. I've explained multiple times that she didn't cause me to kill myself but it hasn't really gotten through. I dont think she understands the full extent of my mental health problems because I kept them pretty quiet for most of my life.

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Months before the suicide attempt there was a fight that caused the police to be involved but my girlfriend has made a lot of progress in her own mental health since then but my sister hasn't been giving her much of a chance.

 

Then i am on your sister's side. This girlfriend is physically harmful for you at worst and is not positively contributing to your mental health at best. I mean, if police were called - i am guessing she was physically violent towards you. In this case i think you should spend more time with your family without your girlfriend. All they see is this girlfriend who is a bit off the rails isolating you from them even if its your choosing. Let them see you are doing okay. Of course they are going to be overprotective because of your suicide attempt.

 

Curious though -- you are more concerned with your gf's mental health than your own.

 

What are YOU doing for YOUR mental health?

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I know they've exchanged some harsh words with one another but nothing beyond that. I've explained multiple times that she didn't cause me to kill myself but it hasn't really gotten through. I dont think she understands the full extent of my mental health problems because I kept them pretty quiet for most of my life.

 

Then you address your mental health issues, maybe ditch the girlfriend for now and work on your mental health. You may not desire a trainwreck as you get healthier yourself. You should NEVER be wth someone who verbally assaults your family, to boot

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Has your gf been violent towards you? Is that why the police were called?

You mentioned you both have serious mental health issues. It's not difficult to see why your sister would not be keen on your gf. There were fights and police involved, and then a suicide attempt. You are living far away now. She's scared something is going to happen where she loses you for good. There's some valid concerns there, even if she isn't handling this perfectly. I wouldn't brush it nor allow a gf to alienate you from family. And that's what's happening. Your gf's anger over not being invited to family therapy is absurd. I'm sensing that there is some abuse going on. I could be way off, but I don't think so.

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I know they've exchanged some harsh words with one another but nothing beyond that. I've explained multiple times that she didn't cause me to kill myself but it hasn't really gotten through. I dont think she understands the full extent of my mental health problems because I kept them pretty quiet for most of my life.

 

Were the police called because your gf was violent towards you? I'm a big sister to my younger brother and if he had a gf who treated my brother the way your gf does or did, I too would feel protective over him. I've always protected him ever since we were children. A lot of big sisters are protective and perhaps your sister is the same towards you.

 

Since your gf is unwelcome by your sister, then attend family gatherings without her. Or, be in alliance with your gf and remain home with her and your pets. Sometimes you can't have everything in life. Boundaries are enforced for a reason.

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It seems a majority of your problems come from your girlfriend. I'm picking up on that she is violent and very dominating. For someone in your position, with your mental health issues, she is not a person you need in your life. You need to understand that being around someone like that is never going to help you get better, it's going to bring you further down. I think people are right, that your sister and family can see what this girl is doing to you and is just trying to protect you. You cant see what she is doing because you are blinded by your love for her.

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