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Thread: Forgive her?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by hhans
    I completely agree. But I still feel cheated. Especially because she didn't tell me. I want to take this into consideration if I forgive her, but she has to see it like that. I just don't know what to think.
    My last response was late.

    You feel CHEATED? Because she was RAPED?!

    Are you KIDDING me?!?

    She is a *victim*. She was *violated*.

    This isnít an issue of infidelity. Grow up and support her through this issue, or walk away. But stop playing these petty mind games.

  2. #22
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    Quite apart from her taking responsibility for the fact she was raped (she's not alone in blaming herself - victims of child sexual abuse do, too) the conditions you intend to impose on her
    amount to coercive control - which is a crime in the UK.

    You don't trust her and want to punish her; by no stretch of the imagination is this 'going easy on her'. This is not a good basis for a relationship. If she agrees to this, it suggests that she's someone who takes the blame for the injustices which others put onto her - the rape, and now you - and she needs to address this or she's got a lot of abuse ahead of her.

    For yourself, find someone closer to home who doesn't, in your book, require this level of policing. It will get tedious for you, checking up on her as if she was a criminal with a tag. Find someone you can trust and feel secure with, rather than someone where you will constantly fear betrayal.

    LDR's are difficult enough without all this rubbish.
    I agree, I was victimized by society and sometimes even my own family attitudes for decades due to lack of education . I refuse to allow this anymore.

  3. #23
    It's not rape if she gave consent.

  4. #24
    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    My last response was late.

    You feel CHEATED? Because she was RAPED?!

    Are you KIDDING me?!?

    She is a *victim*. She was *violated*.

    This isnít an issue of infidelity. Grow up and support her through this issue, or walk away. But stop playing these petty mind games.
    She wasn't raped. She consented.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RayofLighten
    She wasn't raped. She consented.
    Cannot consent if blacked out.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Agree with Mr. Wiseman's first sentence.

    You are punishing her OP, and punishment has no place in a loving, respectful relationship. My opinion.

    Don't agree with second sentence cause only you know how you feel. You say you love her and as an objective reader, I believe you. They're your feelings after all.

    As for rape, that is an extremely serious accusation I don't think can be determined on an anonymous message forum. Especially in the third person (not the person it actually happened to).

    She's owning her role in what happened which I personally believe is good thing.

    If she felt violated and is concerned she was raped, let the authorities gather all the evidence and facts and it's for them to make that determination.

    I do think a situation as you described is forgivable and can make you, as a couple, closer and stronger. Assumimg you both have the emotional tools to resolve in a healthy way. Without fear and without punishment.

    I've seen it happen.

    However, one thing that is concerning is her drinking!

    You said she was seriously drunk both times. This needs to be addressed otherwise, it may (and probably will) happen again.

    It doesn't appear she has any self-control so if you choose to forgive, encourage her to get help for the drinking. And continue communicating! That is huge.

    Good luck!
    Thanks for the reply. This comment is directed at you and all the others. This whole situation is very confusing for me, please don't attack me here I just don't know what to make of this. I post this on different forums as my understanding of the situation grows and try to grasp this concept.

    The thing is that she talks the rape theory out of my head, she doesn't see it that way but maybe she just doesn't realize it. I know about her past and she's always been a sexually liberated person which might be why she owns up to her own role like that, and doesn't see the evil in that guy's actions. Guys who make moves on incredibely drunk girls are scum.

    More and more I feel like it is forgivable, and I've come to realize that forgiving means not punishing her like that. I can't help but feel like we can become stronger out of this. Even now, our conversations never have been so honest and open before which sets a good foundation in my opinion.

    But no one can deny my feelings of being cheated on, she realizes she hurt me, regardless of her idea of what happened. I will talk to her thoroughly about this. What I mostly mean with 'her giving up a part of her privacy' is exactly what you said. I want her to assure me she will drink less and be responsible when partying, I will need to be a bit more controlling or I just can't know what will happen after this. Either way she has to win my trust back. She will be back in 2-3 months and I know she is real with me when we are physically together. This LDR is very hard, especially now.

    Thanks.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by RayofLighten
    It's not rape if she gave consent.
    You canít give consent when drunk. That is an actual legal definition. The fact she canít remember means she was not capable of consent.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    I was blackout drunk once. I remember flirting with a guy (I was definitely attracted to him) but not much else.

    Somehow we ended back at his hotel room. I had started sobering up I guess. Kept saying no, but was too drunk to do much else.

    He took my pants off and had sex with me.

    Well.

    I was definitely technically raped. I said no. I was drunk.

    But I feel very uncomfortable classifying it that way. I liked him, I liked the attention. And calling it a rape makes me feel like a victim, which I donít feel like.

    I liked him, but I didnít want sex.

    Your girlfriend may feel how I feel about it. Rape is a scary word.

  10. #29
    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Cannot consent if blacked out.
    She told him she allowed the guy cos she liked him. That was consent. And she couldn't have been blacked out because she remembered everything perfectly fine.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    My last response was late.

    You feel CHEATED? Because she was RAPED?!

    Are you KIDDING me?!?

    She is a *victim*. She was *violated*.

    This isnít an issue of infidelity. Grow up and support her through this issue, or walk away. But stop playing these petty mind games.
    Mate, get a grip. Why are you attacking me? I've known for a few days and I'm supposed to let it slide just like that? This is incredibly confusing for me, as she admits cheating, while it's me who feels like rape is a factor. She doesn't think she's raped, I don't know what to make out of it and this situation isn't finished. We're going to have a lot of talks.

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