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Thread: Forgive her?

  1. #11
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    It is still rape to have sex with a drunk person wether people see it that way , donít know the law or rapist t... like the other guy.

    However, based ONLY on the fact she likes him ( for what reason I have no idea) I would just be done.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    It is still rape to have sex with a drunk person wether people see it that way , donít know the law or rapist t... like the other guy.

    However, based ONLY on the fact she likes him ( for what reason I have no idea) I would just be done.
    She liked him as just a fun guy. She told me she didn't feel attracted to him, nor was interested in him romantically. So what I think is that this guy is a typical playboy who has no self respect that he tries to score with drunk girls.

    That's the thing. Going by what she tells me, I also think of rape. But I don't know the full story yet. Because she doesn't see it like that, maybe there was more about it. I still have a lot of questions for her.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Maybe she doesnít understand that it is rape. But that guy belongs in jail and depending on the country a girl one day will put him there.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Maybe she doesnít understand that it is rape. But that guy belongs in jail and depending on the country a girl one day will put him there.
    Would you think this changes anything? I think it's clear she didn't know what happened herself, didn't do it premeditated but still couldn't tell me. And I get that telling something like that it's hard, it just testifies of little respect for me. She's very serious about wanting to make it right. The acting like nothing was wrong means more to me..

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  6. #15
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    If she doesnít know what happened then she was too drunk to consent. No consent =rape.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    If she doesnít know what happened then she was too drunk to consent. No consent =rape.
    I completely agree. But I still feel cheated. Especially because she didn't tell me. I want to take this into consideration if I forgive her, but she has to see it like that. I just don't know what to think.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Making her grovel, atone and jump through hoops is to punish her. You're not interested in her anymore except getting even like this. You're wasting your time.
    Agree with Mr. Wiseman's first sentence.

    You are punishing her OP, and punishment has no place in a loving, respectful relationship. My opinion.

    Don't agree with second sentence cause only you know how you feel. You say you love her and as an objective reader, I believe you. They're your feelings after all.

    As for rape, that is an extremely serious accusation I don't think can be determined on an anonymous message forum. Especially in the third person (not the person it actually happened to).

    She's owning her role in what happened which I personally believe is good thing.

    If she felt violated and is concerned she was raped, let the authorities gather all the evidence and facts and it's for them to make that determination.

    I do think a situation as you described is forgivable and can make you, as a couple, closer and stronger. Assumimg you both have the emotional tools to resolve in a healthy way. Without fear and without punishment.

    I've seen it happen.

    However, one thing that is concerning is her drinking!

    You said she was seriously drunk both times. This needs to be addressed otherwise, it may (and probably will) happen again.

    It doesn't appear she has any self-control so if you choose to forgive, encourage her to get help for the drinking. And continue communicating! That is huge.

    Good luck!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-09-2019 at 10:23 AM.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Does she feel violated at all? I agree itís rape - her reaction just confuses me

  10. #19
    If she's prone to sleeping with other guys when drunk, it makes you question how often this happens. I wouldn't be able to trust her again.

  11. #20
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    Quite apart from her taking responsibility for the fact she was raped (she's not alone in blaming herself - victims of child sexual abuse do, too) the conditions you intend to impose on her
    When she does, I need to know who's there etc. I expect calls and everything. She has to give up part of her privacy. She agreed and I know I'm still going easy on her.
    amount to coercive control - which is a crime in the UK.

    You don't trust her and want to punish her; by no stretch of the imagination is this 'going easy on her'. This is not a good basis for a relationship. If she agrees to this, it suggests that she's someone who takes the blame for the injustices which others put onto her - the rape, and now you - and she needs to address this or she's got a lot of abuse ahead of her.

    For yourself, find someone closer to home who doesn't, in your book, require this level of policing. It will get tedious for you, checking up on her as if she was a criminal with a tag. Find someone you can trust and feel secure with, rather than someone where you will constantly fear betrayal.

    LDR's are difficult enough without all this rubbish.

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