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Thread: Forgive her?

  1. #1
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    Forgive her?

    My gf is abroad on an exchange program, we're both 22 and been together for a year. After two months apart I noticed her behaviour becoming weird, I confronterend her and had to drag it out of her. She ed a guy, twice. I dumped her on the spot, dropped off her stuff at her mom's place. But I've been thinking about our relationship before she left, it was golden, I'm trying to see the bigger picture.

    I was furious, I made her feel like for what she did. I've been through lots of emotions and am able to think quite rationally now. So i called her without notice, she was crying, and happy I called. I'm already going down the mental path to grant her a second chance. We had a trip planned next week, everything is booked and payed for. What I'm thinking of doing is go see her, talk face to face, maybe offer her the chance, allow her to try and fix it and then decide if forgiveness is an option. If not, I will continue travelling solo, no problem.

    Her 'explanation' is this. This guy made drunken love confessions to her multiple times, which she denied each time. One night, she drank so much she passed out on the street, hurt her face, it was bleeding like crazy (saw pictures) and she doesn't remember any of it. That's when this guy saw his chance to take her home which is when it happened. The second time was also a night she alledgedly blacked out, when her friends saw them kissing in the club and disappearing after. She said she thinks he's a just fun guy. This sounds as if this guy is messing with her head and waiting for when she doesn't know what she's doing, like a predatory scumbag. He was fully aware that she wasn't single. I told her that, and she doesn't see it like that, she says that she doesn't know what happened, so she might as well have allowed it all, and owns up to what she did. Crazy thing is, I believe her. I know her well enough for that, just like I could look through her to know something happened. The moment I told her I knew, she opened up completely.

    She owns up to what she did, 100%, doesn't try to find excuses at all. Even though she was drunk as , she admits it's her responsibility. Doesn't deny my feelings. Takes the I give her. Begged me not to hate her. Takes it very seriously and wants to do everything to make things right. I interrogated her on why, how, when she did it and hid it. She told me she couldn't bear telling me for it would break me, and sort of ignored the fact that it happened. There was no real reason she did it, nothing was lacking in our relationship.

    Call me naive, but I am convinced she was drunk up to the point where she couldn't say no to the guy. And I am convinced she genuinely regrets it. I told her to think really good, that if she thinks she's worth a second chance, it's up to her to prove her worth. That she shouldn't do it all out of regret but out of love for me. That step one is blocking this guy in every way possible. She agreed to everything, showed me messages and she did. My forgiveness is not something given easily, all I have done now is opened the path for it, so it's up to her to show me just how much I really mean to her. In any case, I told her that IF we start over, she has to stop drinking so much, go partying less. When she does, I need to know who's there etc. I expect calls and everything. She has to give up part of her privacy. She agreed and I know I'm still going easy on her.

    I don't know if this is a sign of weakness or strength from my side. She didn't do it premeditated and doesn't take this lightly. This exchange program is known to cause strain in relationships. I know multiple people who cheated or have been cheated on in this situation. Maybe it is an honest mistake?

    I mean, if I gotta be entirely honest, I wouldn't know entirely sure if I could keep it in my pants being abroad for 6 months. I don't know how I would handle it if I was the cheater. For example, I did some really bad illegal stuff in the past, even when caught, I physically could not tell my dad about it, I could not. So I can get that. I believe in second chances...
    The way we talk now is 100% serious, open and transparant. Makes me think a newfound relationship would be even stronger...
    I can only hope I'm not being stupid here.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Sounds like rape to me. If you are blacked out you canít consent. That is rape.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this LDRs are very difficult and you were right to simply end things. Now you are both free to do whatever and see whoever you want.

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    I tried telling her that. She showed me messages with the guy. He doesn't even seem into her in any way. She told me she thinks he only likes her because of how she loses control when really drunk. I told her that's practically rape, but she doesn't see it that way. She still thinks it's her fault as well and I think it's a positive thing she takes responsibility.

    I see this as the guy taking advantage of her, and her being naive about it. In any case, she owns up to it, and she didn't do it premeditated.

    But yea, she passed out, her face bleeding, not knowing what happened, and the guy still went with it. That's really really really low.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this LDRs are very difficult and you were right to simply end things. Now you are both free to do whatever and see whoever you want.
    I made it VERY clear that what we had is dead and buried. That I am prepared to give her the opening to prove herself and to regain my trust, after which I will decide if it's worth forgiveness. If we're going to continue, we're not going to salvage what we had, it will be something new and stronger, otherwise no deal.

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    I would just go on with your life because she is on a path of self destruction. However, in Canada law she was raped.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Making her grovel, atone and jump through hoops is to punish her. You're not interested in her anymore except getting even like this. You're wasting your time.
    Originally Posted by hhans
    I am prepared to give her the opening to prove herself and to regain my trust, after which I will decide if it's worth forgiveness.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Making her grovel, atone and jump through hoops is to punish her. You're not interested in her anymore except getting even like this. You're wasting your time.
    I agree making someone atone for being raped is like ..... wha????

    Just because someone is drunk doesnít give anybody a right to rape them. Rape is totally on the rapist not the victim .

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Making her grovel, atone and jump through hoops is to punish her. You're not interested in her anymore except getting even like this. You're wasting your time.
    To be honest I really genuinely still am interested in her. I don't want to make it seem like I forgive her like that. She told me she's surprised I didn't level her with the ground completely for what she did. I mean, isn't it normal that I expect her to put in a good deal of effort to prove I'm not being stupid for granting her a chance? This is all relatively fresh, i know it since last week and I already feel my anger fade away. I get your point though, but I'm really not interested in making her suffer, there's no point in that.

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I agree making someone atone for being raped is like ..... wha????

    Just because someone is drunk doesnít give anybody a right to rape them. Rape is totally on the rapist not the victim .
    Hey, come on. She really doesn't see it like that. She said she's in the fault. She told me she 'likes' the guy, and allowed him. She was still unfaithful, drunk or not. I'm not interested in making her suffer. But as I said, I'm going to see her face to face, which will be much clearer than calling. If she would agree she was taken advantage of, that's other story. Don't paint me like the bad guy please.

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