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Thread: How did you guys overcome your attachment or abandonment issues?

  1. #1
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    How did you guys overcome your attachment or abandonment issues?

    Hello guys,

    So I am currently 30 year old and taking a break from relationships to truly improve myself before attempting to get into another relationship. Regarding my relationship background I had a 6 year serious relationship during and after college until I was 27 three years old about 3 year ago and after that relationship, it has been a string of 4 short term relationships where I either got hurt, heartbroken or it was simply one-sided(mostly due to settling for less and not knowing what I truly wanted out of a relationship and at times to "not feel lonely". I will have to say that a big reason why those relationships failed was due to many reasons but a big part was on my fault due to unresolved attachment trauma, abandonment issues, and even suffering from PTSD-like symptoms when getting into relationships where I am almost afraid to get into another relationship as I fear it will be just another dead-end or meaningless relationship. (Some of the external factors such as dating people who were either going through a divorce, dating some that were emotionally unavailable, or settling with emotional vampires, etc). I have been working on being the best version of myself by working out, losing weight, currently going to therapy sessions to help manage and soothe my own anxiety, and currently reading a lot regarding attachment trauma, abandonment issues and my fear of getting into another relationship in order to just have the same thing happen. My question for you guys is, for those who were truly wanting to better yourself and manage your attachment trauma, abandonment issues, and fears of getting into another relationship, what did you guys do to finally feel free of that "mental prison" that you'll never find a truly satisfying relationship? What did you do to help you overcome abandonment and attachment issues that seemed to really help you overcome them? I am finally doing the most to take control of my life and put these issues to rest and to improve my quality of life in relationships.

  2. #2
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    Maybe, it is because you bounce from relationship to relationship. You have not given yourself time to process or grow, and continue to pick poor partners as you do not want to be alone.

    You should have taken a year off after your LTR, so that you could heal and become stronger. Now, you choose anyone that comes along. I suggest you take six months off of dating to reflect, become stronger and less dependent on male companionship, then you will be more discerning.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 04-08-2019 at 08:37 PM.

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    How full is your life? Do you have friends and hobbies?

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    I read a lot and spent a lot of time with friends. All sorts of books, developed diff hobbies and stayed single. I think right now I'm finally over my issues and have no baggage problems at all. I am also free from any lingering attachment to any ex so I'm finally ready. I'm actually so happy being single I would happily stay single for another year no problem but I'm also aware I'm not super young anymore lol. After every relationship, one should take at least half a year off and with serious relationships, I think ppl should wait at least a year minimum.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I didn't.

    Through therapy and self care and learning to know when to stop the bleeding, instead of dragging a huge duffel bag filled with bowling balls, I have a backpack, its still there, will always be, but its manageable.

    You can absorb all the buzz words you want, but until you start valuing your well being more than having a partner you're just working against yourself.

    Im guessing based on an incredibly quick look at your posting history it seems like you go for low hanging fruit. See how its working out for you.

    Allow yourself to breathe, be single, in the moment, enjoy your life, find peace. Once you have it, I can only speak for myself of course but you dont want people to mess with it, that peace is invaluable, being in a relationship isnt a way to 'fix' you only you can do that, relationships compliment your life, they dont make them.

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    Thank you Hollyj! Yeah I have to agree I haven't given myself time to process or grow and continued to pick poor partners out of not wanting to be alone. It seems as if I was way too dependent on just my relationship status to be considered happy yet here I actually stay very busy with work, and socializing with friends. Most of my friends are fun and I am grateful to have very positive and meaningful friends(mostly from my church social group). One thing I haven't done and is being fulfilled with more hobbies and not sure where to start. I love art and haven't done it in a while so there is that, apart from reading books on self development, I am definitely lacking in the hobbies area. Honeycomb8 that is great to hear that you are finally over your issues with no baggage problems as well!! What kind of books did you choose to dive yourself into that seemed to help?

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    Thank you figureitout23. Yeah you are right as I have been going for low hanging fruit and definitely have been trying to be in the moment and just breathe and find peace. Currently peace is the biggest luxury that I desire at the moment.

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    Originally Posted by Emj2006
    Thank you Hollyj! Yeah I have to agree I haven't given myself time to process or grow and continued to pick poor partners out of not wanting to be alone. It seems as if I was way too dependent on just my relationship status to be considered happy yet here I actually stay very busy with work, and socializing with friends. Most of my friends are fun and I am grateful to have very positive and meaningful friends(mostly from my church social group). One thing I haven't done and is being fulfilled with more hobbies and not sure where to start. I love art and haven't done it in a while so there is that, apart from reading books on self development, I am definitely lacking in the hobbies area. Honeycomb8 that is great to hear that you are finally over your issues with no baggage problems as well!! What kind of books did you choose to dive yourself into that seemed to help?
    If you are active, look into hiking/walking clubs, sports, dancing etc... Check out Meet ups, volunteering, art or cooking classes. The options are limitless.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You'll feel free of that "mental prison" when you no longer seek a relationship. What you need to do is enjoy being by yourself and building self confidence, high self esteem and know your self worth. You do this by taking a long break from women. Alone doesn't mean lonely. Enjoy being your own person without involving yourself in a relationship.

    Someday after a lot of soul searching and when you're ready to date again, stop looking at all the wrong places if you want a high quality lady. Be where they are. They are not at singles bars. They're very busy enriching their own lives whether it's church, sports, excursions, hobbies, community volunteerism, charities, helping the disadvantaged and join clubs if there are any at work and the like.

    Keep in mind, when you are mentally stable and have your act together, you'll have no problem attracting women. You will have that draw without even trying. There is nothing more attractive to a woman than self confidence in all you do. Of course, I refer to self confidence while remaining modest and humble at the same time. No one wants to associate with a cocky person.

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    Time, maturity, finding security solo and developing a full enough life where any additional friend or lover is more like icing on the cake rather than a lifeline. I don't believe that anyone is immune to the slings and arrows of trial and error. That's a level playing field--we ALL grieve losses or find ourselves in the wrong relationships. That's because most people are NOT our match. Once I grasped that, I stopped viewing myself as uniquely damaged. I also stopped latching onto bad matches in an attempt to rehab them into a good match in order to cure my loneliness.

    If you can think of dating as weeding through needles in a haystack, it's easier to screen people and allow bad matches to pass early rather than trying to make things 'work' with the wrong people. If you can think of finding ONE 'RIGHT' match as a RARE occurrence in a whole lifetime, you'll be less likely to invest in anyone with whom you don't share true simpatico. Good dates won't unravel you, because your life is already full and happy regardless of who comes and goes. Friendships can diverge for long periods as you each explore different cycles of growth, family needn't be constant fixtures, and you can enjoy getting to know potential lovers over t.i.m.e. rather than diving straight into relationships--and you can walk away from dealbreakers.

    This security of Self doesn't happen overnight, and it's also not an immediate goal to fix all wounds to become 'perfect,' but rather it's a process of living and learning how to view all of your past mistakes as learning devices from which you have grown rather than as self recrimination devices that dig you into a deeper hole to climb out of.

    It's great that you're working with a therapist. Raise your goals of addressing abandonment, etc. and ask the therapist to plot for you a long range path of learning tools and techniques to desensitize your fears and move you beyond rumination and drilling. Some things will be helpful--those are your keepers, other things not-so-much--those are your discards, NOT 'fails'.

    I'd consider an overall goal of viewing all future dating and relationships as experiments, where every encounter that doesn't 'work' teaches you something valuable that adds TO your confidence going forward rather than as a weapon you use against yourself. Such an interpretation is a decision, because while we can't control the outcomes of our experiences, we CAN control how we will interpret them. Trials and errors are how we all learn, but we each get to pick whether we'll learn how to expand our scope and get better at trying more, or whether we'll use our own intelligence against ourselves to shrink and play small.

    You get to decide the lens through which you'll view your experiences, and the choice of whether to grow from them rather than squelch yourself is your own to make.

    Head high, and choose wisely.

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