Ultimatum: Marriage or Breakup

Hi all,

Currently, I am in a 5 year relationship with a lady who is around 7 years younger than I am. The past years have not always been great, but it has not been terrible either. From the outside we seem a good a couple and seemingly have it all, but on the inside we have our fair share of problems. These problems are mainly the result of my inability to take our relationship to the next step, namely marriage and eventually children. This has been the discussion for the last 1-1,5 years now and currently my partner is giving me an ultimatum: either fully commit and marry her or part ways.

The past maybe 3-4 years i have been trying to know myself, and find out what i want in life, because it seems that no matter how successful I am, I don't know whether i'm happy or not. I'm not sure whether I am capable of being happy or can only be "content". This currently mainly affects my relationship as my partner does not know whether i'm happy with her, and whether i will stay with her. I understand that it's difficult for her, because i currently do not give her security that she needs and wants from me. She is afraid that I'll leave if i have found my answer to happiness which may not include her in the picture. She has been patient, but has also pushed me the past years to make a decision, because she wants to follow her planned out timeline of marriage and having kids at her ideal age.

For me, marriage is not a must, but i'll do it for my partner if i'm ready. For some reason, something is holding me back of actually proposing to my partner and i'm not sure why. I had doubts of us before, but can not pinpoint what exactly is the issue. She is nice and pretty, has a good relationship with my family, loves kids, and is supportive in whatever i do. Sometimes though, i feel like our relationship is imbalanced, in the sense that i'm contributing more than she does. For example, i cook, bring in the money, do groceries, wash the dishes, wash clothes, iron them, vacuum etc.... sometimes i feel like i have a daughter. Although she changed, and picked up some of the chores, it still feels like i'm doing the bulk of the things. She is also always negative about things, while i'm more positive. She always has problems with work, friends and family, which i need to help with every day. Even though i love to help, its sometimes exhausting hearing negative things every day. This has made me anxious about the future with her... what do i have to when we get married? What will happen if we have kids? Will i have to do everything? Will she be negative about everything?

She has grown impatient of waiting for me... and i feel guilty aswell for making her wait for my decision. I don't want to waste our time, because i'm not sure what to do.

On one hand, i believe she might be a good wife, but on the other hand i'm afraid and doubtful of something that i myself don't even know what it is....

I have had difficult youth, which i went to therapy for. The bottom line is that i have grown to be very rational, and rarely emotional to the point that i'm a robot, monotone emotions. This makes me to believe that im unable to love or feel the excitement of happiness, which makes me believe that i'll feel more than "content". For example, i have never missed my partner (or exes) in the past and have never had "butterflies" in my stomach. I don't even know what a crush or feeling in love means to be honest...which makes me a robot. Some of my friend say that i'm just incapable of doing that, or that i have not found the right lady that could make you feel that way...

I'm not really sure what to do right now... take a leap of faith and marry her? or... leave a potentially good partner in search for my "happiness"? I'm stuck in a dilemma...

Sorry for the long post, i hope some of you might be able to give me advice or shed some light on certain things... or share your experiences.

James

I don't think you're unable to love or feel happiness. I think you're not with the right person. You have grown resentful of her, and that's usually a huge indication that you're not right for each other.

Don't commit to marriage if you're feeling this way.

Perhaps a break would help you to sort out your feelings.

Can I ask how old you both are?

Honestly it sounds like you’re making an existential mystery out of something that is not mysterious: you’re in a relationship, and have been for a while, with someone you’re not compatible with. Sometimes it’s easier to make it into more than that, because we want to rationalize the length of an investment, find “meaning” in having history with someone.

Maybe early on some of what you’re now hung up on worked. Maybe you saw her first as a potentially great girlfriend, but not a partner, and so some of the youthful stuff was easy to overlook, even fun, as it reinforced your own sense of being mature, responsible—nice stuff to lean on when you’re asking those deeper questions, doing that deeper self-work. And, who knows, maybe “committing” to someone you had doubts about reinforced this self-conception of you as incapable of the kind of feelings/relationships others are. There’s a certain twisted comfort in that—or perhaps there was, for a time.

Well, sounds like that time has passed. You’re less than happy and so, clearly, is she. Marriage will not change that dynamic, but will only further cement it, so I’d take that off the table as the solution. She’s pushing for it, yeah, but that’s just her own confusion and unhappiness coming out sideways. After all, you don’t hear about a lot of happy marriages starting with an ultimatum, you know? There’s a reason for that.

I hate to say it, but I suspect you might find that this relationship, far more than the other questions you’re asking, is partly what’s inhibiting you from finding “happiness.” While stepping away is always agonizing, it kind of sounds like it would put you both on a path toward the kind of connections you’re both seeking but not finding in each other.

The past maybe 3-4 years i have been trying to know myself, and find out what i want in life, because it seems that no matter how successful I am, I don't know whether i'm happy or not. I'm not sure whether I am capable of being happy or can only be "content". This currently mainly affects my relationship as my partner does not know whether i'm happy with her, and whether i will stay with her.

I read your entire post and this is what stood out to me the most.

It's for these exact reasons I would lean to letting her go and work to resolve some of these things on your own, singularly, before you can be in a committed relationship and one that leads to marriage.

At the same time you share the dynamic between you two and describing her as a daughter (therefore makes you the parent) She would also benefit being on her own as well.

I agree that if in 5 years you don't know, then it's not the right fit for either of you.

Never make decisions based on fear. You fear losing her if you don’t get married. You fear not being ready to marry her or if you’re capable of being happy with her. I say take a break to clear your head and find what you want. Deep inside what path is right to take regardless of what changes it may bring. Then face that decision knowing if it’s not her you’ll be okay. If it is her then you have your answer for her.

I can understand her wanting more commitment after five years but I know it’s also not fair to her if you aren’t on the same wavelength via emotions and love.

So just take a time out and do some deep internal searching.

You’ll find most likely you’re in the way of your own happiness.

Hi all,

 

Currently, I am in a 5 year relationship with a lady who is around 7 years younger than I am. The past years have not always been great, but it has not been terrible either. From the outside we seem a good a couple and seemingly have it all, but on the inside we have our fair share of problems. These problems are mainly the result of my inability to take our relationship to the next step, namely marriage and eventually children. This has been the discussion for the last 1-1,5 years now and currently my partner is giving me an ultimatum: either fully commit and marry her or part ways.

 

The past maybe 3-4 years i have been trying to know myself, and find out what i want in life, because it seems that no matter how successful I am, I don't know whether i'm happy or not. I'm not sure whether I am capable of being happy or can only be "content". This currently mainly affects my relationship as my partner does not know whether i'm happy with her, and whether i will stay with her. I understand that it's difficult for her, because i currently do not give her security that she needs and wants from me. She is afraid that I'll leave if i have found my answer to happiness which may not include her in the picture. She has been patient, but has also pushed me the past years to make a decision, because she wants to follow her planned out timeline of marriage and having kids at her ideal age.

 

For me, marriage is not a must, but i'll do it for my partner if i'm ready. For some reason, something is holding me back of actually proposing to my partner and i'm not sure why. I had doubts of us before, but can not pinpoint what exactly is the issue. She is nice and pretty, has a good relationship with my family, loves kids, and is supportive in whatever i do. Sometimes though, i feel like our relationship is imbalanced, in the sense that i'm contributing more than she does. For example, i cook, bring in the money, do groceries, wash the dishes, wash clothes, iron them, vacuum etc.... sometimes i feel like i have a daughter. Although she changed, and picked up some of the chores, it still feels like i'm doing the bulk of the things. She is also always negative about things, while i'm more positive. She always has problems with work, friends and family, which i need to help with every day. Even though i love to help, its sometimes exhausting hearing negative things every day. This has made me anxious about the future with her... what do i have to when we get married? What will happen if we have kids? Will i have to do everything? Will she be negative about everything?

 

She has grown impatient of waiting for me... and i feel guilty aswell for making her wait for my decision. I don't want to waste our time, because i'm not sure what to do.

On one hand, i believe she might be a good wife, but on the other hand i'm afraid and doubtful of something that i myself don't even know what it is....

 

I have had difficult youth, which i went to therapy for. The bottom line is that i have grown to be very rational, and rarely emotional to the point that i'm a robot, monotone emotions. This makes me to believe that im unable to love or feel the excitement of happiness, which makes me believe that i'll feel more than "content". For example, i have never missed my partner (or exes) in the past and have never had "butterflies" in my stomach. I don't even know what a crush or feeling in love means to be honest...which makes me a robot. Some of my friend say that i'm just incapable of doing that, or that i have not found the right lady that could make you feel that way...

 

I'm not really sure what to do right now... take a leap of faith and marry her? or... leave a potentially good partner in search for my "happiness"? I'm stuck in a dilemma...

Sorry for the long post, i hope some of you might be able to give me advice or shed some light on certain things... or share your experiences.

 

James

Marriage doesn't solve problems. DO NOT put a kid through this if you aren't even sure yourself. For god's sake, don't leave this woman on the hook any longer either. Do the right thing.

The relationship pattern you two have created is indeed imbalanced. And it's actually just as much your fault as it is hers. You have been inauthentic all this time contributing more than you genuinely wanted and have been building up resentment in the process. Through your actions you trained her for half a decade to a dynamic that is really a lie and you are indeed wasting her time. She is right in giving you an ultimatum. There is crude saying that applies in your case : you need to either $h!+ or get off the pot.

It's not her fault if you have misrepresented yourself all these years through your actions. It's her fault that she slacked off but it sounds like you got with her when she was too young to know better. Imo, it's super hard to break the half a decade imbalanced relationship pattern that you two created. If you can't accept her as she is (and it sounds like you can't) you will never be ready and you will indeed end up wasting her years. Being seven years older you should have known better than to foster such an imbalanced pattern and misrepresent yourself in the process. You need to stop doing in relationships things you don't really want to do.

Imo, she was right to give you an ultimatum. You don't really love her the way she really is and imo, that's your answer. Plus, you have been misrepresenting yourself through your actions so she doesn't really know the true you either. Based on the info you provided, neither of you is with the right person. Imo, your relationship has run its course and your partner is doing the right thing to rid herself of your indecision that is keeping both of you stagnant and stuck.

Honestly it sounds like you’re making an existential mystery out of something that is not mysterious: you’re in a relationship, and have been for a while, with someone you’re not compatible with. Sometimes it’s easier to make it into more than that, because we want to rationalize the length of an investment, find “meaning” in having history with someone.

This hits the nail on the head. This woman doesn't do it for you and for good reason. She sounds more like a dependent than a partner and her personality doesn't even offset that for you. You're drained and with the wrong woman.

My guess is that your first reaction when you part ways with this woman will be one of relief. Sure you'll grieve the history you had but I think you will find a much better connection with someone else.

She sounds like a complete bore. End the relationship civilly and move on with your life. Don't waffle about it. It makes you look very unattractive.

Get in the game again when you feel ready.

I can only say when there is SO MUCH doubt screaming from every pore, then please please do NOT get married. Clearly, you are not ready and it would be a big mistake to go ahead and get married - all it would do is end up in divorce (imo). You two are no longer on the same page. Do BOTH of you a great favor and end it. Don't keep her on a hook any longer, she deserves to find someone who shares her vision of her future and you will be free to "find yourself" .

(I don't blame her for giving an ultimatum because clearly she has noticed and can sense your doubt).

Can I ask how old you both are?

 

Thanks for the advice, im 33 and she is 26, almost 27.

I do have a tendency to stay in relationship because i have invested a lot of time in my partner . Furthermore, i always try and have a positive and constructive attitude when it comes to working on the relationship. I can always convince myself that its not bad and that it will be alright in the end, which it always has. But when facing the question, whether i should continue and marry her, or set her free, i’m lost.

I truly believe that she is great, and possess alot of good qualities. When it comes to compatibility, i believe we mostly are on the same wavelengtht when it comes to kids, carreer, plans, interest, but it usually differs on the “how” question rather than the “what”. We have different way of doing things, such as copign witth problems, raising and teaching kids, and even our pets, even to do point of how we do chores.

I sometimes wonder if my expectations of my oartner are not just way too high or unrealistic, which controlibutes to my “unhappiness”.

I like how you phrased the first paragraph, because i do have a tendency to overthink thinks, or over rationalizing thoughts.

I've known couples who've lived together and had a relationship for a few years before they took the next step which was marriage. Many couples ended up with happy marriages because they discussed in advance and at length what was important to them, what both of them wanted for their future, have shared values, similar personalities, characters and felt settled in their relationship overall. They were in lockstep and on the same page. No one had to find themselves and life was smooth from both sides. It also helped that both sides came from solid, good normal families. Being compatible means you both have a lot in common with your thought process and backgrounds. Opposites do not attract. To the contrary, opposites spell disaster.

Even though both of you are currently in a 5 year relationship, there are too many red flags. 7 years is still an age gap and not everyone gets along swell with a bit of a generation gap. It's not a lot but being closer in age means you'll have more in common because of the same era you grew up in. However, it doesn't bother everyone.

Since she has marriage and children in mind and you don't, do both of yourselves a favor and cut her loose. Stop wasting your and her time and energy sustaining a relationship that has no planned future together. You are honest by not stringing her along or at least I hope so.

You need to figure out what you want in life and what will make you happy. You sound very insecure and until you are secure, no woman will feel secure with you. You sound confused with your mind so again, cut her loose until you have time to think what you want in life and what will make you feel satisfied.

Since marriage is not a must for you and you'll only do it if your partner is ready, don't marry for those reasons otherwise you'll be forever unhappy and insecure with your decision. Marriage is a serious commitment and not to be toyed with. Either be in it for the long haul with concerted effort or don't even have marriage thoughts whatsoever. If you're so unsure and uncertain regarding marriage and actually go through with it, you'll end up just like another statistic and divorce. You need to find yourself and figure out what you want out of life and your future with or without a woman.

It sounds like you do the bulk and majority of all chores and errands. Your marriage will fail automatically because you'll burn out quickly. She is not for you. She wants marriage and children yet doesn't pull her weight by doing her fair share to sustain a household. This arrangement is very unfair. Of course, you resent this unbalanced relationship. It only gets worse with marriage should you continue on this same track.

She whines about drama while you're the emotionally supportive one. She sounds like a real drag. Should you marry, you'll be stuck with a nag.

She doesn't sound like she'll make a good wife and you won't make a good husband either. Both of you will be miserable and if you add children into the mix, divorce will be inevitable or you're stuck in a pathetic marriage which wasn't meant to be in the first place.

You have baggage from your youth. It is no wonder you are psychologically scarred. No one wants to be with a man who is robotic, unemotional and lacks empathy. You are unable to love and feel excitement of happiness which is alarming.

Don't take a leap of faith by marrying her. Leave your partner. James, work on your mental well-being for a long time before you're with a woman otherwise you'll make her feel insecure and uncertain about your future together. You are too unstable.

The relationship pattern you two have created is indeed imbalanced. And it's actually just as much your fault as it is hers. You have been inauthentic all this time contributing more than you genuinely wanted and have been building up resentment in the process. Through your actions you trained her for half a decade to a dynamic that is really a lie and you are indeed wasting her time. She is right in giving you an ultimatum. There is crude saying that applies in your case : you need to either $h!+ or get off the pot.

 

It's not her fault if you have misrepresented yourself all these years through your actions. It's her fault that she slacked off but it sounds like you got with her when she was too young to know better. Imo, it's super hard to break the half a decade imbalanced relationship pattern that you two created. If you can't accept her as she is (and it sounds like you can't) you will never be ready and you will indeed end up wasting her years. Being seven years older you should have known better than to foster such an imbalanced pattern and misrepresent yourself in the process. You need to stop doing in relationships things you don't really want to do.

 

Imo, she was right to give you an ultimatum. You don't really love her the way she really is and imo, that's your answer. Plus, you have been misrepresenting yourself through your actions so she doesn't really know the true you either. Based on the info you provided, neither of you is with the right person. Imo, your relationship has run its course and your partner is doing the right thing to rid herself of your indecision that is keeping both of you stagnant and stuck.

I agree, thats its partially my fault for fostering such behavior, but i have not misrepresented myself to her. She did not live with me at first so i always had to do the chores in the first place. As time goes by, she gradually “moved” in with me; staying from 1 time a week to gradually 3-5 times a week over the span of 2-3 years. I wouldnt expect her to do chores if she was staying maybe 1-2 times a week with me, so its natural for me doing all the chires as it is my house and my mess that ik cleaning up. When she pretty much stayed 3-5 days a week, nothing really changed with regards to the chores. At first i did not really mind, as i was basically doing the same thing for the past years anyways, but eventually the more she stayed the more i realize that there is an imbalance. It is not that i was inauthentical, as i generally do not mind doing chores, as long as she contributes as well or atleast offers to do so. If she would only do cooking and ironing for example, and do the rest i wouldnt even mind. It was not intentional to foster an environment where i had to do everything in the house, but due to ambiguity in whether she was a “guest” in my house or actually living with me, the current pattern of chores was maintained by both of us. This does not make it right or wrong...

I used to think the same way as you... that I wasn’t capable of being happy or expressing emotions appropriately. Turns out that as a human being I am fully capable of expressing my feelings I just had to learn to feel safe enough to do so. Partly that was me learning how to manage my emotions and partly that was building relationships with people that created a safe space for me and ending relationships with those that didn’t.

You aren’t happy OP and I think I agree with bluecastle (as usual) that you are probably just coming to learn that you aren’t compatible and are fighting acceptance of this.

As a side note if you really believed this relationship could work and saw a future with her you would want to marry her despite your views on marriage, just to keep her in your life.

This is no comment on whether you should stay in the relationship or not, but I want to point out that happiness is an emotion - not a permanent state that we achieve if we make all the "right" decisions. The right person will invoke feelings of happiness in you sometimes, but they will also likely expose you to a range of other emotions, as well, including unpleasant ones.

Feeling generally content with one's relationship is a reasonable place to be. Sadly, the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. However, I strongly believe that a commitment like marriage should never be made to keep a relationship. You either want the same things as your partner or you don't. It's really that simple. If she needs marriage to continue and you're not in the same place, it is a sign that the relationship has run its course.

Marriage is for people who have come to the deep understanding of what that kind of commitment entails. It means knowing that you've grasped the tools it takes to have a happy relationship and know that you are BOTH able to use them to build each other up and live cohesively. It's not something you do just because a certain amount of time has passed, and it is definitely not something to go into when you can't even figure out the small things (in the grand scheme of things) like something as simple as chores. If you can't imagine being on your death bed and feeling like you are so beyond grateful for the life and memories that your partner dedicated to you, then they're probably not the one for you. It takes a lot of work to have a lasting, healthy and happy marriage. Neither of you sound like you're at that point with each other

Honestly it sounds like you’re making an existential mystery out of something that is not mysterious: you’re in a relationship, and have been for a while, with someone you’re not compatible with. Sometimes it’s easier to make it into more than that, because we want to rationalize the length of an investment, find “meaning” in having history with someone.

I completely agree.

OP, I think you are over-complicating what is actually relatively simple (albeit painful) - you no longer want to be with her.

Marrying her is going to make thing worse for you, not better.

Don't marry her. Something tells me that she'll take you for every penny if you do. If a person genuinely loves someone, they will never give you ultimatums like this. There is something else she wants.

currently my partner is giving me an ultimatum: either fully commit and marry her or part ways.

- A large number of women want to get married and have kids (at least those who have not done so yet). Men want things to stay the same, and don't care as much about marriage. But if you want to date women, marriage goes with the territory. So, the woman is right.

For me, marriage is not a must, but i'll do it for my partner if i'm ready.

- there you go, typical male answer. And that's okay!

The negative could be a big problem. There are three cornerstones to great marriage - mutual love, not too many serious problems, and both people should have a good attitude.

The bottom line is that i have grown to be very rational, and rarely emotional to the point that i'm a robot, monotone emotions. This makes me to believe that im unable to love or feel the excitement of happiness, which makes me believe that i'll feel more than "content". For example, i have never missed my partner (or exes) in the past and have never had "butterflies" in my stomach. I don't even know what a crush or feeling in love means to be honest...which makes me a robot. Some of my friend say that i'm just incapable of doing that, or that i have not found the right lady that could make you feel that way...

- Rubbish. You love her. You certainly don't stay with her for just the baked cookies! This long post you made shows that this partnership - and her - are very important to you.

Please discus this with a counselor or P. M. me.

Ultimatums fail to work out because they cause resentment. Not a great foundation for a future together. While GF is right for wanting to know where you stand, your inability to stand where she wants answers the question.

I'd tell GF that I'm taking the 'out' option so we can both move forward.

This was 100% my husband and I before we got married. We dated pretty young, and werent really sure if we were "right" for the forever....

We took a 6 month break.. dated other people, and ended up back together.

Sometimes it takes a break to see what you have.. or maybe it opens your eyes. Dont give in to a demand you arent ok with.

I'm going to respectfully, but firmly, disagree with Gary here.

A long post about about a square peg and a round hole does not, alas, change the dimensions of the two objects that don't fit well together. What an academic can write a thesis on are sometimes just two toys that a child will understand don't play well together after trying for 5 minutes, and sometimes the logic of a child is more profound and honest than that of the academic.

Or, put differently: What I think this long post shows is that partnership, in general, is important to you OP—something you're still exploring, trying to define for yourself, questioning, and so on, much the way you're questioning your own emotional landscape. I think you feel pretty alone asking those questions, however, because you're not with someone who approaches living the same way; you're with someone waiting for you to answer them, so you can be fully present with her, fully on board with her story. I also think it shows that you are someone prone to rumination, self-improvement, and problem solving—qualities that, with the right partner, can be beneficial but, in this partnership, have created a dynamic in which neither of you are growing and evolving into your most authentic selves.

You're writing about yourself, in other words, but since she is your girlfriend, someone you've invested lots of time with, someone who is now making a major demand of you, she's sort of the mirror you're looking into to ask these questions. A partner is, in ways, a mirror. And that's where we need to be careful, because it might not be the right mirror to stare into for answers. What we see in that mirror might not be our whole self, or truest self, but just a shade of ourselves that has been falsely magnified into appearing as the whole.

That's a big part of the compatibility equation.

I've been with women, for instance, who have called me aloof, distant, unreadable, intimidating, threatening, dangerous, even unfeeling—and I've metabolized those words (because of attachment, hopes, attraction, affection) and drifted down some lonely, self-critical, self-loathing paths to figure out what was "wrong" with me. Some good and some growth has come from that exploration, no doubt, and some sexual heat has come from that tension. Though no two ways about it: it was triggered by someone I was not compatible with, and vise versa, and a fair amount of that knotty thinking was basically me (or both of us) trying to make a square peg round.

How do I know? Because I've also been with women who have called me sensitive, sensual, funny, warm, a feeler, a searcher—qualities not just more in line with my self-conception, but the qualities I'd like to explore more in myself, learn how to harness, expand, put front and center. They feel more "true" to who I am as a whole, with the aloof/dangerous stuff an ultimately small piece that just seemed more pronounced in the fun house mirror of one person vs the better mirror of another.

Was I a different person with one woman than another? No. The difference was compatibility, the way we mixed, what we brought out in each other and saw in each other, based on the mysterious voodoo of who we are as individuals. One relationship shined too much light on the wrong corners, too little on the right ones; the other had the opposite affect.

Spend too much time in the former and you can train yourself, as I think you have a bit, to associate certain uncomfortable feelings with being a mandatory part of being in a relationship, even a mandatory part of living. All up and down this forum, for instance, you will see people who have trained themselves to associate feelings of insecurity and anxiety with a deep connection, instead of seeing a connection that triggers insecurity and anxiety as one that might best be severed.

I'm sure your gf is a fantastic human being, as I'm sure you are a fantastic human being. But are you fantastic together, right now? Sounds like you exist in a state of self-punishment, and she, meanwhile, has evolved into someone trying to will a marriage out of threats. I can't imagine that this is who either of you want to be, and that dynamic is not one that goes away with "I do," especially if "I do" is the result of you deciding that you deserve to be punished and her deciding that the only way to get what she wants is to bring out the nukes.

I like Jennifer's advice above. Instead of turning this into a disquisition on yourself, and on her, and further twisting things into the place where they've been for too long, listen to this moment as the reality of time, and timing, demanding both your respect. Sometimes you need to let go of the reigns a bit to see the path, and with a little breathing room you may find yourselves organically connecting in the way you once did but aren't right now.

This is not the right girl. You are not compatible. End it, so that you can both be happy.

I just want to add to the ongoing conversation here that I don't think this woman is trying to will a marriage out of threats. It seems, to me, rather that she's fed up with the OP for being neither here nor there. He's not saying that he doesn't want to marry her right out. I'm willing to bet if he did, she'd be gone by now. She's quite lenient and forgiving (and in the process, unfortunately, quite boring/naive due to her age perhaps), if you ask me.

I think it's fairly unlikely that people can't genuinely love and get butterflies and excitement about their partner (although that's in the early stages). The butterflies, excitement, nervousness is what "falling in love" is at the start of dating someone. That does fade away after a number of months but if it's the right person you still know that you love them and you don't feel that anything is wrong. I think if you're with the right match things feel easy and not like you clash. Of course you will annoy each other sometimes over everyday things but you wouldn't mind that much and work through it if you know they're "the one".

If you're listing a lot of things you find wrong with your partner and the only good thing you're saying is "she's nice and pretty", that actually sounds like settling to me. Normally people would say personal things they like about their partner: "they're my best friend, they just get me, I love their quirky fashion sense, love their freckles, etc". "Nice and pretty" is quite generic and sounds like you just think you should be with her because she possess stereotypical positive qualities.

I'm actually getting married next year and while it sounds cliche when people say: "I just KNEW they were the one", you actually do just know. I don't mean that the skies open up and stars start sprinkling and a magical voice tells you they're the one lol It's not anything epic but it's just a very comfortable feeling and you know the answer within yourself and don't question it. It's like if your partner dropped on one knee and took out a ring and asked "Will you marry me?" You say "yes" because you want to and you know it's the right answer (for you).

I think if generally you do want marriage and kids but yet you've got this nice, pretty woman wanting the same with you....You're dragging your feet so I think there's your answer.