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Thread: “I love you” on a first date - is it really a red flag?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd take it as tongue in cheek and flirting. You're a bit uptight, RedCrayon. Laugh it off and just tell them you love ....their hair. They'll get the message. If it's serious, I probably wouldn't reply so as not to make the other person feel awkward or hurt. If they text or call I'd ignore it. I don't feel like this warrants a conversation.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'd take it as tongue in cheek and flirting. You're a bit uptight, RedCrayon. You overthink a bit too much. Laugh it off and just tell them you love ....their hair. They'll get the message.
    I don't think she should completely disregard someones feelings and laugh them off. I think she can accept what someone is saying and realize that it doesn't mean he's IN LOVE with her. Instead of saying you love their hair she can say "so far, I love who you are as a person too" etc. It almost weighs the same as her saying I love you back, brings in appreciation for the other person but doesn't give off any solid commitments

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by rchubn
    I don't think she should completely disregard someones feelings and laugh them off. I think she can accept what someone is saying and realize that it doesn't mean he's IN LOVE with her. Instead of saying you love their hair she can say "so far, I love who you are as a person too" etc.
    It is still strange, as they do not know the individual.

  4. #14
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    People that claim it was “love at first sight” only say that in hindsight. They have NEVER expressed it at the time ever.

    So does it actually exist? Highly unlikely.

    Try to find any existing couple that actually uttered those words on first meet!
    You will struggle to.

    But you will find many people who did utter those words on first meet, dated for a significant time but didn’t last.

    So yes it is a red flag.

    And one to heed!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rchubn
    I don't think she should completely disregard someones feelings and laugh them off. I think she can accept what someone is saying and realize that it doesn't mean he's IN LOVE with her. Instead of saying you love their hair she can say "so far, I love who you are as a person too" etc. It almost weighs the same as her saying I love you back, brings in appreciation for the other person but doesn't give off any solid commitments
    I understand.... just not how I roll. Yes, I'd laugh it off and yes, I wouldn't respond to any other texts or calls. Inherently, to answer your question, I think it's socially inept and awkward to begin with someone who starts off with that will get mostly silence from me. They'd have to learn on their own time. I'm not that person's mama.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by rchubn
    I don't think she should completely disregard someones feelings and laugh them off. I think she can accept what someone is saying and realize that it doesn't mean he's IN LOVE with her. Instead of saying you love their hair she can say "so far, I love who you are as a person too" etc. It almost weighs the same as her saying I love you back, brings in appreciation for the other person but doesn't give off any solid commitments
    It’s not about whether she or he is to disregard someone’s feelings. Do we even know the OP’s gender?
    There are no feelings. It’s about disregarding words only.

    The OP didn’t ask for advice on how to respond to those words .
    In fact the person uttering those words are disregarding the other and being very superficial.
    And that IS something to be concerned about.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I guess it depends on the context.

    Is it a situation where you said something funny or your date discovered you like something obscure in common with them and they proclaim jokingly “omg! I love you!” As you would with a stranger in a fun lighthearted situation

    Or was it a serious I love you situation.

    Given your history you truly need to start guarding your heart better. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice... if you ignore red flags and just go for it in dating you then have to take ownership for the failures which if red flags are ignored will be aplenty.

    Would I think it was ok? No

    Do I think you personally should think it’s ok? No

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    With all due respect, rchubn, there is nothing generational about this. Is there maybe something generational in your myopic assumption that the poster is of your generation? Yeah, sure, but that's for a different discussion.

    Anyhow, if on a first date someone is making a grand profession of love—"I know it's crazy that we just met and all, but I love you!"—then to me that's just a sign of emotional immaturity, emotional instability, and/or a very limited grasp of language. Probably a little shake from all those spices in the red flag cabinet.

    I'm going to stick with that case study, for these purposes, since I suspect it's something like that that's behind this post.

    Now, before I get pegged as the man with a heart of ice—or the old man, from rchubn, with an ice cube where the kids have mushy hearts—I believe it's totally possible to share a profound connection with someone you just met. Combine a great conversation with feral attraction and sexual chemistry—and, well, that there is pretty special. I know those feelings well. I—gulp—love those feelings. The blood warms, the butterflies start flapping, the whimsical framer who resides in all our brains starts watering fantasies, and suddenly some wild thoughts and feelings are budding.

    It can even feel a lot like love, just like if you give me some LSD it can feel like the paint on my walls is the single most beautiful color on planet earth. I use the metaphor not simply to be funny. Because this form of love is the drug—and, like all drugs, it must be enjoyed responsibly. Responsible means knowing you're on drugs rather than confusing drugs with reality. Stare at the wall, enjoy the color, but don't go to the paint store, cash in your life savings, and paint every surface everywhere that color, you dig? Saying "I love you" the second you feel a little hit is basically the same thing.

    Because real love, actual love, is something else. It's sturdier. It's essentially trusting time to let you know how illusory those fluttery feelings were. Do they continue to develop and expand as you, you know, actually get to know the person? Or do they fade?

    Most of the time they fade, which is why it's best not to try to define them right away. Someone in a rush to label them—someone reaching for the biggest of all labels the moment a butterfly flaps one wing—well, I'm sorry, but that is someone who is very, very thirsty for feeling. It's drug-seeking behavior, using another person to get high, to escape into the clouds, and so, to answer OP's question, I would be wary. And if I had a history of meeting people trigger-happy on the "I love you" front—and maybe getting a little burned up in the process—I'd be taking a minute to think about that instead of looking for the exception to the rule.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Anyhow, if on a first date someone is making a grand profession of love—"I know it's crazy that we just met and all, but I love you!"—then to me that's just a sign of emotional immaturity, emotional instability, and/or a very limited grasp of language. Probably a little shake from all those spices in the red flag cabinet.
    This.

    I have yet to meet someone who proclaims love that early on and turned out to be a well-adjusted, emotionally-mature adult.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Afireblue
    How many times has it happened to you?

    Are you looking for advice on a specific situation? or you are just putting it out there?
    It happened to me once when I met someone in Wales (someone I recently broke up with, as both the long distance and some of the possible controlling-like behaviour was putting me off a bit), though it sounded genuine.

    Otherwise just putting it out their, really, although interested in other people’s experiences and opinions, too.

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