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I have no self-esteem left trying to move on . How can I empower myself?


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I (28F) am really conflicted as I have been struggling to move on from a guy (29M) I was seeing for only 2 months (!!!), 1 year ago. Things were going reallllllly really well. e chemistry and connection was like nothing I'd experienced in my life and he felt the exact same way, so our time together, when it was good was extra nice. He was a very cold person with a big front, but when we were together all those walls came down and I'd see a completely different person who could be so loving and kind. Unfortunately the following occured during this time-

 


  • He would blow hot and cold and it was hard to deal with. He'd also get into moods where he would put me down jokingly.
     
  • His ex girlfriend was still a good friend of his, which was fine with me as I am good friends with my exes, however she could be very possessive of him and put me down to him a lot (i.e., when we were spending time together she wanted to visit to borrow something and he told her he was with me and he responded saying 'your tinder date can wait'). He made no effort to defend me and constantly excused her behaviour. I tried to discuss this with him and he didn't seem interested in talking about it or offering any reassurance. Considering we were only in the early stages of dating and not his actual girlfriend, I didn't push it further.
     
  • He had a previous history of heavy drinking and a benzo addiction, which he expressed he had moved on from. I felt that he wasn't being honest considering previous behaviours of his before we dated seriously which were only a year prior, indicating little time for full recovery (on our first date a year before we started seeing each other, he showed up wasted and took me to a bar where his ex hung out, she was there and sabotaged our date by constantly chatting to him with her friends, he reached out a year later blaming this on his alcoholism and benzo use)

 

 

One day he was in a mood and I got fed up and I told him that I didn’t appreciate him speaking to me the way he did and in response he said that he’s a jerk and is going to get 100 x jerkier the more I know him (especially when he drinks) so it probably isn’t going to work out, but he will most likely regret breaking it off because he liked me heaps and didn't think he was capable of having an interest in someone like he did with me. He then went on to tell me that I am quite a sensitive person and he needs to be with a girl who will put him back in his place when he acts up. We agreed to stay friends and he'd sometimes indicate that he wanted to give it another shot, saying he probably will never be able to lose his attraction to me, but then would back out and pull away. Things got pretty sour fast, mainly with him getting irritable with me and eventually he told me he is done talking to me and doesn't want anything to do with me and he cut me off from there. Two months after this, he messaged me telling me he was truly sorry for everything and that even though it is no excuse, he was in a bad place and that he was a ‘pig’. At that point I felt I had well and truly moved on, especially considering how unpleasant he was with me during our last interaction, so I politely told him that I appreciate his apology and wished him all the best.

 

Unfortunately with his last message, I experienced all these feelings return and I tried to wait it out. This didn't last long and I reached out a couple of months later. He seemed keen to know what I was up to and wanted to be friends, but when I told him I still had feelings for him he pulled back entirely said that we should block all contact so we can give each other some peace and that he 'hopes we cross paths again one day', from there he stopped talking to me altogether and blocked me.

 

I'm ashamed to say that nearly a whole year passed with a lot of struggle trying to move on, mainly with this intense shame for pushing him away to the point where he felt the need to block me. I felt repulsive and felt that he held very low opinion of me after thinking highly of before it got so ugly (before all of this, he'd tell me that he'd never been so attracted to anyone before, that he thought I was amazing, that he couldn't hold any interest in other women for a year after meeting me because I was always at the back of his mind) . I tried to distract myself anyway possible and took on a whole new career, made many new friendships, developed new hobbies, dated heaps and gone through lots of therapy, but he still didn't really escape my mind.

 

About two months ago I noticed on my messenger that he had unblocked me entirely, after a few weeks trying to put it out of my mind, I got in touch to tell him that If he doesn’t want to speak to me, to tell me upfront – but I miss knowing him and still feel confused about everything that happened. He responded saying ‘I woke up to my friend dead and am dealing with that at the moment. I’m getting lots of messages and I think I might delete messenger x’. I told him that I am very sorry to hear of his situation, that I hope he’s coping ok and told him that he’s welcome to reach out to me if he feels the same way I do and wants to talk about it further. He responded saying ‘thank you x’. I added that the timing is obviously off, but to know that I'd rather be told if he isn't interested, rather for it to be left open and he left me on read. In that time I saw him show up on my tinder and he didn't like me back.

 

A month has passed since this last interaction and pretty much everyone I know has told me that that was just him letting me down and it was a clear rejection, however I somehow feel like he was just leaving things open until it is a better time? I wrote in on another forum and was berated for harassing this guy and that he needs a restraining order against me, so I am feeling pretty awful about that.

 

Would anyone have some supportive insights into this to share?

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I'm afraid i would have to agree that it does sound a little harassing on your part. A year and a half after an 8 week relationship where he treated you like crap, even admitted he would worse the longer you knew him, and you still cant let go. I'll be brutally honest, you are delusional where he is concerned. No, he is not leaving things open for you, it was a flat out rejection. He blocked you for a year because he didn't want to be with you and by the sounds of it you were constantly checking messenger for him. The moment he unblocked you, you jumped at the chance to message him. That was probably weird to him.

 

You're behavior isn't healthy. It's borderline obsession. You knew from the beginning that this guy was a bad guy with problems, but something got you addicted to him. You need to let this go, it's been a year and half and he's obviously not lost any sleep over you.

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Well seeing as your focus is self esteem and moving on, I would like to say that both of you have been continually messaging each other when perhaps you shouldn't or it has just been unforeseeable bad timing for the other. So no, I don't think you have been harassing him, I think that's too unfair to you and too kind to him.

 

To me this sounds like a very complicated barrel of feelings from a complicated relationship and you've been struggling with letting go of someone, wanting to see the good over the bad. Just because he's stopped being there telling you how much you mean to him anymore doesn't mean you've lost that value. It only means there is someone else out there who will see it instead, but you do need to see it in yourself first rather than rely on another half to see your positives for you. I don't think its good for either of you to keep contact with the other, I know that can be hard to come to terms with but honestly I'm afraid if you don't you'll only realise when you are broken and there's nothing good left in the relationship.

 

Perhaps you can sit down with close friends of yours and write up everything you feel proud of and happy with about yourself and let them tell you the positives they see as well, you could read over these when you are doubting your self worth or just feeling low. try and find the things and the people that make you feel good about yourself as well as happy and try and include them in your life as much as possible to really find who you are and be happy with all of it. You don't need a relationship to be complete, a relationship needs you to complete it.

 

I hope at least some of this was helpful and along the lines of what you wanted, or needed, to hear

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I’m sorry but your self esteem has not depleted because of this guy , it was clearly low to date him in the first place.

In the mere 60 days you knew this guy , he blew hot and cold.

You weren’t actually interested in him or even ready to conduct a relationship, you just enjoyed the temporary boost in self esteem when he was blowing hot.

It’s like you were looking for an external source for you to feel better about yourself.

 

You were a rebound relationship for him. You knew that. Yet you still chose to go there.

People on the rebound flirt selfishly , to receive compliments back to make them self feel better. Only. It’s about them , not you. So you shouldn’t take it personally.

 

His friend passed away. 365 days after your short 60 day fling.

And what do you do? Dismiss his grief and demand attention. Because you have never got over the fact that he rejected you. Rejection is only ever personal to the person rejecting , not to the person rejected.

How many people have you rejected in life? Be it rejecting a friend, family member, bf, someone that asks you on a date?

If someone asks you out on a date and you say no , do you think everyone else will say no to that person? Of course not!

 

Why are you desperately seeking acceptance from a person who simply does not want to date you? It’s no big deal!

But you have turned it into one in your own head.

 

Please don’t ever ask someone to state outright if they are interested or not? Clearly they aren’t. If they were , you wouldn’t have to ask.

 

Do yourself a favour and block him.

And don’t consider dating for a good 6-12 months until you have boosted your own self esteem without looking for another to mask your low self esteem.

 

Good luck!

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Besides therapy or deep soul searching in why you tie your self worth to this man and his rejection of you, you need to take practical measures now.

 

You need to stop all contact with him and that includes checking his social media. If he's unblocked you but you still haven't moved on, block him yourself. He is like a drug and to cure your addiction, you need to go cold turkey abstinence mode on. You have at least self awareness that you lack self esteem and that you crossed the line in your interactions with him post break up, so it's a good start to work from there. He won't turn around and love you as you want to be loved. You never moved on because you're focused on the fantasy you created about him and the future you planned in your mind with him. But it's not the real him you miss and this is not love... it's obsession.

 

Years ago, I was in a short relationship with a guy (though I had known him for years and always felt something about him, but timing was always off until we gave it a try). He moved to another city and we were long distance for a while. One day he broke up with me by text with not much justification (I think at first it was "give it a time" but then he disappeared and never gave me an answer), rejected all my calls (he'd cancel them) to try and talk about it and even my suggestions of going to his city to talk face to face. In this case he simply broke up with me by text and rejected all contact attempts (which was right on his part). I was so hurt by this and had so much issues that I went full blown psycho mode... I became the dreaded "crazy ex" and that's probably how he'd talk to me to his friends and etc. A few days after he broke up with me I find out through social media stalking that I'm not proud of, that he was in a relationship with another woman who is now his wife and mother of his child. I'm very ashamed of what I did, but I kept texting him, asking for clarification, accusing him of having cheated on me with this woman and deceiving me, begging for a chance... you name it, full blown psycho. To the point of him deleting me from social media and me still stalking his social media. I never did anything besides texting compulsively and trying to call him but still, was he my friend I'd recommend him to block me and I'd tell him this was harrassement.

 

What was my excuse? "Well, he hurt me and I love him, so I need answers and he needs to know how much he hurt me". That's no excuse for my harrassement and it doesn't matter if he treated me badly or not. Still not acceptable of me not to respect his decision. Meanwhile for the about 6 months I kept being this "psycho" shadow of myself stalking social media and texting, he was living happily with his girlfriend now wife and living his life, probably thinking he made the right decision of leaving such an unstable person like I was while I was suffering for a fantasy I created in my mind. One day I snapped out of it and stopped it. I accepted that he had all the right of not wanting to be with me and I had to accept this and move on. I accepted that I was being disrespectful to him and that this was about ME and my issues and not about what he's done to me. I don't recommend this, but when I snapped out of this I sent him one last text apologising for having crossing the line after we broke up and that I respected his decision and wishing him well. So I fully stopped.

 

It has been many years and he sent me a friend request on social media and liked a public picture I had on it. Back in the day this would be enough to make me reach out to him or to make me obsess again. But it didn't bother me at all and I ignored. But to get here I had to put in the work and really look at myself and why I behaved like this. And what I saw at first hurt me because I had to confront myself with things that are very painful to me, like self hate and abandonment issues and take ownership and responsibility for my actions. I was no victim, I made the choice on how to react.

 

You can also make the choice of taking control, taking responsibility and learning that you can control yourself and move on, it's all your choice. But first you have to put in the work and look truly at yourself even if it's painful. You have to sit in with the discomfort and realise that the quick fix of contacting him is always followed by pain, but the discomfort of working on yourself and removing yourself from this toxic situation 100%, will contribute to long term bliss and peace in the future. Work for that, not for short term gratification and validation. This is not about him, this is about you.

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Things were going reallllllly really well.

 

NOPE.

 

OP you need to pull your head out of the sand and look at why you are seeking validation from someone that is sick and struggling from addiction and why you are tying your self-esteem to what he thinks of you. The relationship even from your brief description was NOT going really well... chemistry can happen even in the sickest relationships and is usually just a sign that your soul has found the catalyst it needs to heal... in your case, thinking you can love someone out of their sickness and into recovery.

 

I don't know you or your situation but I do wonder if you have past history with a family member or friend that was an addict or alcoholic.. and that perhaps you are trying to find ways of reconciling that and overcoming whatever feelings you had around that with this relationship.

 

Your self-esteem is your responsibility... and it's up to you to fix it and to not rely on outside influences to help you feel good about yourself.

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Get some therapy. This is obsessive.

 

This was never good. What a dysfunctional situation, and you only dated two months. I also agree that you were a rebound. Stop wasting your life!

 

Do you have any friends or social life?

 

Please get help. Block and delete.

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I have to agree with the others here,

 

On the one hand you tittle this thread "I have no self-esteem left trying to move on . How can I empower myself?", and on the other you are asking for positive insights?

 

I don't think that you were harassing this person. But I do believe that you seem to have developed an obsession with him. This was a very short relationship that was terrible from the start, this guy is clearly not good for you and he has shown you who he is.

 

Rejection is very painful, I know, but you need to accept that he is not into you, and really start moving on. In your case, stop contacting him and get back into therapy

 

Good luck and take care

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I'm not sure how you could muster putting up with his behaviour or how in any way, shape or form you may have interpreted his behaviour as endearing or worthy of falling in love with. I'd be worried for you but not about this situation. This experience with this particular guy is just a litmus test (it could have been any other guy) for how painfully vulnerable you are and your confidence is very low.

 

I'd suggest you extract yourself as much as possible and as completely and entirely as possible from any communication with this person going forward. Put this person and the past out of your mind and move forward with grace and be positive as much as you can. This experience does not define you. It will help you grow but it shouldn't define who you are. What defines you is what YOU choose as values, beliefs and traits worthy of your time going forwards.

 

People die, period. Welcome to the real world. I'm not being trite or harsh with you just because I'm an outsider. I'm being straight with you. A person who treats you badly with everyone around him alive is still the person who treats you badly with one person in his life dead. Don't fall for that and start thinking more maturely and instead of trying to help everyone around you, start helping yourself first. Without your mental and emotional stability you'll help no one. Good luck.

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deedee, the reason why you're holding on to this guy for dear life is because you simply cannot accept that he's no longer into you or wants to be with you.

 

Somehow you have it in your head he still cares, that it's just not the right time, or whatever and that he's been pining away for you just as you have been for him.

 

It's called projection (your feelings on to him) and it's quite common. It's a form of denial because you are not yet emotionally prepared to accept that he's done, it's over.

 

It's too painful so you project, deny, excuse, justify and continue to hang on and hope.

 

I've been there so I understand it.

 

But you need to push yourself out of this unhealthy and dysfunctional place, because as others have said, you're obsessive and preventing yourself from healing and moving on once and for all. You've become STUCK.

 

You've also become a PITA (pain in the arse) to him, hence why he blocked, which has made you feel even worse!

 

It will be hard, but once you accept he's done and it's over (which he is, a thousand times over), it will be much easier for you to let go and move on.

 

Not sure if hearing it said and our posts can help you with that, it has to come from within you, something you have to believe yourself.

 

It's time deedee, don't you think?

 

I'm sorry and best of luck moving FORWARD.

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A month has passed since this last interaction and pretty much everyone I know has told me that that was just him letting me down and it was a clear rejection, however I somehow feel like he was just leaving things open until it is a better time?

 

This (bolded) pretty much confirms what I just posted. You have not yet accepted that he's done, it's over.

 

It's so very clear to everyone else, but again somehow you've got it in your head he stills cares, that it's just not the right time, or whatever.

 

So you hang on and hope.

 

deedee, you seriously need to start dealing in reality, okay? It's been over a year, it's really time.

 

Again not sure if anyone can convince you he's done and it's over, I mean even he himself has told you, but yet you refuse to believe and continue to tell yourself stories that he's leaving the door open for a future reconciliation or whatever story you're telling yourself.

 

I'm not judging I promise, I've been there myself with my ex.

 

My situation was different because we were still together, but I told myself so many stories, basically lived in never-never land for six years, until one day it all came crashing down on my head.

 

I was the one who left but it was one of the most painful things I ever did in my life, but the best thing too, because I learned a hell of a lot and and am now in a much better healthier RL with a man who truly loves me, isn't troubled, is stable and strong!

 

Anyway, continue posting here for support if it helps, maybe start a journal, because finally letting go (yes even after a short 8 week RL because there were strong emotions involved) will be one of the hardest most challenging things you've ever done.

 

I wish you the best on your journey deedee.

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