What should I do? Long term relationship, cannot see a future

Hi all,

I have been in a serious relationship with my partner for 4+ years. We both live in the same city, however do not live together. Overall we a good relationship with many happy times, around the world, but I have finally come to the realisation that I do not get along with her family, friends, and overall we are very different people. Do I want to continue and know I could be happier, this is my main thought. I know she is head over heels for me and wants to get married and have kids in the next few years.

Since she’s been away I’ve been spending time with friends (male and female) and I have realised everything that currently lacks in my relationship. She is an introvert, I’m an extrovert. She takes everything seriously, I don’t.

She is currently away travelling for two months (partly with friends, partly with family).

I am due to meet her in two weeks at her best friends wedding overseas, before we travel together for a week after.

My question is. Am I just feeling this because we are apart (we have been apart before for substantial lengths of time, without me having these feelings), or are these real. Also, do I breakup now over the phone, or do I continue with the trip (this seems foolish).

Any thoughts comments or criticisms are welcome!

If you're not feeling it anymore then you need to tell as soon as possible. Be honest. Don't go to the wedding and don't go on the trip. Don't let her get more and more attached. It won't be fair.

I disagree with the poster above.

After 4+ years together, there is no “getting more attached”. She is already incredibly attached and thinking marriage, kids, etc.

While there is never a “good” time to breakup, there are less bad times than 2 weeks before her best friend’s wedding and a vacation that is already paid for. How the heck could she possibly attend a WEDDING two weeks after being dumped from a long term relationship?!? And her best friend - who clearly won’t be able to be there for her! Good grief. That’s just horrible.

I’m sure you care for her at least as a friend. In my opinion, you should hold it in, tough it out as a friend and break up with her when you get back.

... at least, that’s what I would want. Just be a little distant and not all lovey-dovey

Edited to say: An alternative would be to find some lame excuse to not go on the trip/meet her at the wedding and break up with her when she is back. I honestly think that after 4+ years together she deserves a face-to-face breakup and you can be a little sensitive on the timing of it all.

I absolutely agree he should do it face to face, I never said he should do it any other way and he shouldn't. He should talk to her as soon as she is back from her trip (that was what i meant). If she still wants him to go to the wedding and on the trip then they can go as friends. But it all depends on what she may find too difficult.

If she still wants him to go to the wedding and on the trip then they can go as friends. But it all depends on what she may find too difficult.

This is the part where we disagree. I don’t even think he should mention it until she is back - so there is no “if she still wants him to...”

What I am saying is wait to have this discussion. Let her get through the wedding and being there for her friend, etc. without the distraction of worrying about her own relationship. Drop the bomb when she’s in a better place to deal with those emotions and there are people around to come to her side without ruining the wedding.

Yeah, I agree that you absolutely shouldn't do this over the phone; that's a bit of a cop-out to be honest.

As for the vacation and the wedding...well, on the one hand it may be difficult to get through if you're certain you're not wanting to be with her anymore, which is fair enough if it's how you feel and good reason to not attend them (though, as RedDress said, I wouldn't break-up with her until after she returns and simply give her a reason for your being unable to attend) and on the other hand you yourself have stated that you're not actually sure how you're feeling about her and the relationship, despite leaning in the direction of breaking-up. I got the impression you're confused about where your feelings actually lie. So if it were me, I would take the opportunity to go on the trip and see if you can bring back some spice and spark to your relationship, or at the very least find some clarity about your feelings. I think you owe it to yourself to see if there's something left worth saving before you toss in the towel, because breaking up and then finding you want to get back together down the track is a lot more tricky and damaging than working on what you have right now.

However, you should also use this time (if you go on the trip) to be open and honest about how you're feeling about your personality differences and wanting to spend more time with friends, etc. which is very important discussion to have should you decide to go. See if you can come to some sort of compromise - a happy medium you both are satisfied with. Perhaps you can both make changes to develop a lifestyle together that you're both happy with. If after that, you feel the relationship is something you don't wish to continue on with or isn't salvageable, then by all means honour yourself and your feelings and gently end things with her. But, regardless of which direction you go in, I would have a really long think about the things you want from your life and in your life, what your goals are and ask yourself what things will bring you closer to those goals and what things will take you further away from them.

Again, I'd only go on the trip if you're not absolutely certain you want to end things.

Good luck!

Since she’s been away I’ve been spending time with friends (male and female) and I have realised everything that currently lacks in my relationship. She is an introvert, I’m an extrovert. She takes everything seriously, I don’t.

May I ask, without judgment, if there is someone in this particular group of friends you've developed an attraction to?

Please don’t do it over the phone! I was dumped by email after an eleven year relationship! It’s a cold approach. I say show up and be there for her at her friends wedding. Then have the conversation when you get back.

Have you considered sitting down and talking with her about what is lacking in the relationship?

Kind of BS to break up with someone when you haven't even kept an open line of communication along the way....

Yeah, Miss Canuck asked the question I'm wondering about. Do you have an attraction to one of your female friends that you didn't include in your post?

These revelations about how different the two of you are did not just occur after 4 years. Something else sparked these thoughts.

Am I just feeling this because we are apart (we have been apart before for substantial lengths of time, without me having these feelings)!

- Bingo. You've discovered the reason most long distance relationships don't work out. With too much time apart, people fall out of love (you may not be totally out of love yet, but your love level is low, and you are starting to see her flaws and get grumpy. Just keep in mind none of us are perfect).

If you are feeling disconnected from this relationship you need to seat down with her and talk about it. Timing seems not to be in your favor for now, because of previous commitments, but you have been happily together for 4+ years. If you are having doubts, see how you feel after you get back from your trip.

She will not change who she is, nor her family and friends. You need to consider how important this is for you and if you see yourself living with her forever.

If you're not feeling it anymore then you need to tell as soon as possible. Be honest. Don't go to the wedding and don't go on the trip. Don't let her get more and more attached. It won't be fair.

I disagree. Only you can decide whether you want to be together anymore, and if not, when you want to leave. I'd enjoy the trip and see how you feel afterward.

Nobody else is living our love lives FOR us, so nobody else gets a vote.

I'm not really interested in why you think you should break up. If you aren't getting a good vibe, you aren't getting a good vibe, period. Only you can decide that and I have faith in your misgivings for continuing a relationship. Obviously you've already calculated how awkward it would be to back out of a planned trip but if you feel that she's a downer in any way or you aren't comfortable around her, you shouldn't go on that trip and yes, I'd break up as soon as possible.

I agree with Ray. The most humane thing you can do is call a spade a spade, keep your head on straight after the break up and the questions that ensue and carry on with your life. If that trip is giving you a headache and you feel uncomfortable, don't go. Life's too short for nonsense.

If you marry her, you marry her family. Think about your future. Her family will not go away and you will have to force yourself to keep the peace with them should your lives intertwine through marriage. Or, you can be like millions of people and never interact with them; just send your partner to her family and you get a break from your would be in-laws. Or, keep your contact with your partner's family to the bare minimum at best. That's what boundaries are.

Opposites don't always attract. She's an introvert while you're an extrovert, she takes everything seriously whereas you don't. These are problems will indeed affect your relationship especially during marriage. These are lifestyle differences which will never mesh. It's better to have similar personality traits in order to be compatible and have a smoother relationship.

Ok, so meet her at her best friend's wedding in two weeks.

Your insecurities are real. You have more time to mull over what's important to both of you, what your differences are and how it's a source of arguments either now or in the future. Don't break up over the phone. Do it in person. Give her courtesy and respect.