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She says I help her


Aj86

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She's a 43yr old woman. I am a 32yr old male. We work together and I would consider us very close friends. We've know each other for a little over a year now. We've been through some tough situations together and also held the other up when our current relationships with the people we with currently gets rocky.

She has high levels of anxiety and stress often due to work or her bf. Most of it comes from her bf because he doesn't appriecate her or respect her. Anyways, she claims I keep her sane and grounded just being around. She has said she feel so relaxed and stress free around me.

 

Curious if all that could be true and if so why? If true, how am I able to do these things?

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She uses you as her sounding board. Like you said: ..."also held the other up when our current relationships with the people we with currently gets rocky."

 

Hopefully you're not planning on getting involved with this woman (or she with you). Totally inappropriate.

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I don't know if we would ever become a "thing" but we do have a lot in common in our pasts. I'm not sure she would be into a younger guy or not if that were to happen.

 

Anyways, any things to consider or things a person should or shouldn't do in this situation? Ask anything if needed.

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What do you mean emotionally cheating territory Seraphim?

 

I think she means that the fact that she has a partner but is talking to you, a man so much and complaining about her relationship to you and being so close with you, is bordering emotional cheating.

 

If you had a girlfriend and she was talking this much to another man as this woman talks to you, would you feel ok about it?

 

I'm not saying she's cheating or that she wants to cheat, but many affairs (emotional or physical) began with the person complaining about their partner to the other person.

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I will say she has impoved since her and I met. My guess is that is good and bad. Do you all think this could lead to a more romantic type relationship or continue to be friends as we are. I get the emotionally cheating thing and yes, that would be bothersome to me the other way around. While this guy isn't good for her and she has admitted that many times, how does one help another get out of a situation like that without being supportive to them?

 

I've known from the start she had low self-esteem even those she tries to show otherwise and amplify false confidence. This guy has torn her down and manipulates her. Prior to meeting me she cleam she had some suicidal thoughts and didn't think she could continue. I have made efforts since the start to build her up and make things more positive for her to the best of my ability. She claims she feels happy and positive energy from me, even saying/texting some pretty deep things to acknowledge my support and care towards her. More or less she sees what I've done for her and how I support her. While I don't believe we would ever become anything more than friends, I can't completely deny it as I have had small little occations of attraction to her but always dismiss them. She's older as well and generally older women don't go for younger men that I'm aware of. I guess I've heard of crazier things....

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What would attract ypu to a woman who is with a jerk? Can't you recognize that as a red flag?

 

Because she has low self esteem and is attracted to the drama.

 

As far as being attracted to someone who is with a jerk... I am the "helping kind," I don't like to see people down or in bad situations that they are trying to get out of or need support. It's just my nature. Could be a blessing, could be a curse. I could tell early on she was in a situation.

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Your post was so transparent and i knew that you were really fishing for opinions on whether this woman is interested in you. And the answer would be no, she's not romantically interested in you. She see's you as a friend that she can complain to about her bf and that's all. I would start putting a bit of distance between you because if this guy she's with is as much of a jerk as she makes out, then he might not take too kindly to you chasing after his girlfriend. Do not go there.

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As far as being attracted to someone who is with a jerk... I am the "helping kind," I don't like to see people down or in bad situations that they are trying to get out of or need support. It's just my nature. Could be a blessing, could be a curse. I could tell early on she was in a situation.

 

This is called co dependency. Look it up. It is not a positive.

 

Don't look for women who are projects and who are attracted to toxic relationships.

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Squarely in the friendzone. She talks to you as and thinks of you as a male-girlfriend. Why not pull back and avoid more awkwardness. Make sure you are dating women and not holding out for this. It's no special gift to listen to other's complaints and whining. Don't waste time on emotion dumping despite whatever faux flattery she gives you. Keep busier with work, other coworkers, activities, friends, women outside of work.

her bf because he doesn't appriecate her or respect her. Anyways, she claims I keep her sane and grounded just being around. She has said she feel so relaxed and stress free around me.
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Don’t have a “ savoir complex” . By doing so with this woman you are generating romantic feelings in both of you for each other.

 

I never thought of it that way but I do see what you mean. So for someone who needs some help/support like her in her situation what would be the wise route of doing so? Or do I let her fall?

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Your post was so transparent and i knew that you were really fishing for opinions on whether this woman is interested in you. And the answer would be no, she's not romantically interested in you. She see's you as a friend that she can complain to about her bf and that's all. I would start putting a bit of distance between you because if this guy she's with is as much of a jerk as she makes out, then he might not take too kindly to you chasing after his girlfriend. Do not go there.

 

I wouldn't say I am "fishing" but I have paid attention to my past relationships in life with friends and others I become close with. I don't believe she has romantic feelings for me but strong friendship feelings I would concur with. We have a bond no doubt. There are lots of other little things that we do or happen that the general society would assume we have more going on than what is fact. I don't know where her and I's relationship will or won't go. Life is full of surprises, good and bad.

 

With my currect significant other, our relationship is troubled and has been for a while. (This has and was going on prior to this friend and I crossing paths) We are growing more distant and have been for some time. Been doing counciling and all. In all honesty I'm not optimistic about her and I but you never know. There is just a lot of complex issues with that relationship. I honestly don't discuss a lot of it with my friend. It comes up at times when she knows I'm irritated or something but not a common subject.

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So, put some distance between her and I. Focus on other things. Don't think in the wrong direction. I have all that.

 

What would be you'd do or say to encourage a person such as this to get away from the toxic guy she is with (I truly believe she wants out, no bias) and start herself a new direction for herself. I would like to still be supportive and a presents in her life at some level, I just would like to be smart about it. I was in some tough situations in my past and needed support. We all do at some point in our lives. I honestly believe the things she says is true and real and mean them. Thinking she might be scared to do anything about it for of fear of where or what she would do from there.

 

Advice?

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I never thought of it that way but I do see what you mean. So for someone who needs some help/support like her in her situation what would be the wise route of doing so? Or do I let her fall?

She is responsible for her life , not you. You are only enabling this situation.

 

Stop ths rescue complex.

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So, put some distance between her and I. Focus on other things. Don't think in the wrong direction. I have all that.

 

What would be you'd do or say to encourage a person such as this to get away from the toxic guy she is with (I truly believe she wants out, no bias) and start herself a new direction for herself. I would like to still be supportive and a presents in her life at some level, I just would like to be smart about it. I was in some tough situations in my past and needed support. We all do at some point in our lives. I honestly believe the things she says is true and real and mean them. Thinking she might be scared to do anything about it for of fear of where or what she would do from there.

 

Advice?

 

You don't. Look, she is doing what women do - vent. She is not asking you for your advice, opinion, help, etc, etc, etc. She is treating you exactly like a girl friend and expects you to behave like a girl too - lend a sympathetic listening ear and otherwise keep your mouth shut and don't tell what to do. Accept that she is an adult and knows how to break up if she really wants to. The reality is that despite all that whining, she doesn't want to leave him. Quite frankly, you need to understand that people love to b$tch and moan, but rarely share the good parts of the relationship that are keeping them there. So your view is skewed. You also have no idea how exaggerated her stories are. Yes, I know, you want to believe, but wanting to deceive yourself and reality aren't one and the same.

 

You've developed feelings and attachment to a woman who only sees you as a pal and free therapy. She talks to you the way she does precisely because she doesn't see you as a man in a sexual sense. She sees you more as little brother or girl-in-pants-friend. While you are putting all this emotional energy into this woman, your own relationship is suffering. If it's bad, end it. If you want to work on it, then stop spending your time on other women. What you are doing is emotional cheating.

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So I'm a white knight... that sucks.... I realize it gave a run down of things to help get yourself out of it. What do I do to fix this in this situation? You all saying to stop being friends with her? I think this has been my problem for many years. I've had someone amazing women in my hand before but could never "close the deal" and end up going our seprate ways. I'd prefer that not happen with this one. I think it's time to put a stop to that streak.

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