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She is pulling away


lukas1315

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Hi everyone,

 

So, I met this girl a couple of months ago at a friends party. We ended up kissing that night and exchanged numbers. So for the past months we went on dates and I had a great time with her, she is very interesting and beautiful. She acts a bit reserved but I am usually a reserved guy myself and I tend to prefer being with people that also are.

 

Scheduling dates was easy, we would schedule a date and a place and we would be there without any kind of “confirmation” on the day. The only thing that was annoying me at the beginning was that she never agreed to sex. After three dates it was really annoying to me and I felt that she was sort of messing with me. But since I was enjoying the dates I decided to go for a 4th date anyway and she told me on that day that she is just really slow about it. I went home with that and thought to myself that I was enjoying being with her, there was plenty of physicality and I felt she was honest about her timing. So I thought to myself that I would see how things go and things went well on the following dates.

 

Then, one day I asked her out and she told me that she was really busy and tired to go out. She also said she was sorry and that she was going through some personal issues. She had already brought up that she was going through something in her life on one of our dates, we talked a bit about it and to me it was not a red flag. She was fired from her job and that was putting her down. And to sustain herself she has been doing a lot of freelance work, which takes a lot of time and energy and doesn’t pay that much. I have to say that it felt good talking about it, I felt closer to her. And on the same conversation she mentioned that she had tickets for a concert on the following week and asked if I wanted to go, which I agreed to. She then messaged me the next day asking me if I wanted to go to another concert with her on that day, which I couldn’t because I had a friends birthday. She was cool about it and said that we would see each other on the following week for the concert then.

 

So, even though she was indeed going through something, I got that sense that she was enjoying going out with me and I definitely was enjoying her. And I also got from her that she is working on improving her life, she is on therapy, is sending resumes and so on. In a lot of ways I tend to respond similarly to such situations, which usually causes me a lot of loneliness and stress. So it felt alright to go out with her.

 

We went to the concert the following week and had a great time together. A couple of days later she texted me saying she was at a bar close to my home with some friends and asked me if I wanted to go, which I did. When I got there, she introduced me to her friends and then suggested that we should go to a more reserved area. Later on her friends came to us to say goodbye because they were going home and she stayed with me. Some time later a friend of hers called her asking if she was still at the bar and she said she was but everyone else had left and she was on a date with me. That was important to me. So after that day I started to feel a bit different about her in a good way and despite my usual natural instincts, I let the feelings grow.

 

So, fast forward a couple of weeks I asked her out and she told me that she had other plans for the day and didn’t suggest another date, which felt a bit weird, she always did suggest. I told her it was okay and we should try another day. Asked her out again today and she told me she had dinner plans with her father, so I just asked her if she was free some day later this week so we could meet, kind of already expecting a negative reply. She messaged me that she wasn’t sure explaining that a foreign friend of hers is going back to her country and she is going to spend her free time with her this week. Also told me “and to be honest, I am not in a good place right now, I am going through some things in my life and I am not excited about doing stuff”. Now, this friend of her is the same she blew a couple of weeks before saying that she was with me.

 

So I got all confused and I am feeling a bit down. I know that the mentioned issues were there since the beginning but as I mentioned I let my feelings grow. To me this is she pulling back and communicating that she doesn’t want to date me anymore (since we weren't official I guess there is no "breaking up"). I am not sure how to respond. I obviously don’t want to force anything but I kind of wanted to let her know that the doors are open. I was thinking about texting her something along the lines “I understand what you are going through and call me if you change your mind”.

 

Was hoping I could get some feedback on all this.

 

Thanks in advance.

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I agree with your assessment that she is indicating that she doesn't want to date you anymore.

 

The message you wanted to send her ("I understand what you're going through and call me if you change your mind,") I think is a good one... it leaves it all up to her and it's not pushing her.

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You claim twice that you were very annoyed at her not wanting to have sex and that you thought she was messing with you.

 

You may think you were acting 'ok' with it, but she may have been able to see through your facade to your annoyance and felt pressured.

 

Again, there was a LOT of physicality, intense kissing, grabbing each other... so nothing more natural than to suggest sex. After all, that is usually up to men to do so. And is kind of hard to go out with someone, get highly physical and not have sex. It feels frustrating afterwards to me. So yeah, I agree that I could be communicating that I definitely wanted sex. But I didn't mean to act as in "okay, I don't mind if we don't have sex", I meant as in "Okay, this is important to me but I respect your boundaries and your timing". So I wouldn't call it a "facade" because we were communicating. But yes, thinking about it there might a chance that she might have felt pressured. And since you brought it up do you have any suggestions on what to do? The tone of my reply I mean.

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I understand why you feel confused and down.

 

You were hoping the relationship with this girl would be moving forward.

 

We cannot know what is on her mind. But what you said she is telling you, She does seem to be going through a transition and the lost of her job has affected her more than you think. I believe it's best that you back off and let her deal with her stuff.

 

I don't want to speculate about the sex thing. But if she said no, then you continuing to make out with her thus you ending up being frustrated is kind of on you

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It sounds like bad timing for her honestly. She lost her job has a friend coming to visit and probably isn’t emotionally available to start dating at this time.

 

I would just move on and look for something of more what you want. You want sex right away and that’s okay but just know unless you’re looking for a fling. Starting off with sex right away isn’t the best idea for getting into something long term.

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About the sex thing, what I meant was that as I started to like her, I started to let go of the belief that we should have sex right away. I take full responsibility for keeping on dating her despite the desire to have sex right away. I did bring it up because it is important to me and I wanted to know how she felt about it but accepted that she likes to take her time. Living in a very open minded town in which it is not hard to have sex after having just met, it was difficult because I did get the feeling that she might have been messing with me because that has happened before to me. I believe that I might have brought it up more than she wanted it but I was stating what is important to me and I NEVER pushed it, I would go home with a single firmly and assertive stated "not tonight".

 

I am more willing to agree with Afireblue and limichelle that it was more about timing on her side. The interesting thing is that I have an incredible hard time when someone important to me is leaving (hence why I feel this way now). So I couldn't help it to put myself on her situation and think about how she felt with her friend leaving and to that I replied that I think it is good that she spends time with her friend until she actually leaves. And as to her personal situation I told her that I understood what she was going through (also been there myself), told her that I had a good time going out and getting to know her and if she changes her mind about keep on going out she should contact me. No games, no negging, no manipulation... It was hard sending that because I am fully giving away any type of feeling of control of the situation and to me that is way too difficult.

 

So yeah, I have backed off myself and now I have to work on letting it go.

 

 

Thanks everyone.

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About the sex thing, what I meant was that as I started to like her, I started to let go of the belief that we should have sex right away. I take full responsibility for keeping on dating her despite the desire to have sex right away. I did bring it up because it is important to me and I wanted to know how she felt about it but accepted that she likes to take her time. Living in a very open minded town in which it is not hard to have sex after having just met, it was difficult because I did get the feeling that she might have been messing with me because that has happened before to me. I believe that I might have brought it up more than she wanted it but I was stating what is important to me and I NEVER pushed it, I would go home with a single firmly and assertive stated "not tonight".

 

I am more willing to agree with Afireblue and limichelle that it was more about timing on her side. The interesting thing is that I have an incredible hard time when someone important to me is leaving (hence why I feel this way now). So I couldn't help it to put myself on her situation and think about how she felt with her friend leaving and to that I replied that I think it is good that she spends time with her friend until she actually leaves. And as to her personal situation I told her that I understood what she was going through (also been there myself), told her that I had a good time going out and getting to know her and if she changes her mind about keep on going out she should contact me. No games, no negging, no manipulation... It was hard sending that because I am fully giving away any type of feeling of control of the situation and to me that is way too difficult.

 

So yeah, I have backed off myself and now I have to work on letting it go.

 

 

Thanks everyone.

 

This is a very mature response. You were going by what you have previously experienced. I'm sorry you are hurting. But you are being the good guy here, giving her space while leaving the door open if things get better for her . I would caution you not to be too hopeful and manage your expectations so you don't drive yourself crazy. .. vulnerability isn't easy to admit or accept. Take care

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So, fast forward a couple of weeks I asked her out and she told me that she had other plans for the day and didn’t suggest another date, which felt a bit weird, she always did suggest. I told her it was okay and we should try another day. Asked her out again today and she told me she had dinner plans with her father, so I just asked her if she was free some day later this week so we could meet, kind of already expecting a negative reply. She messaged me that she wasn’t sure explaining that a foreign friend of hers is going back to her country and she is going to spend her free time with her this week. Also told me “and to be honest, I am not in a good place right now, I am going through some things in my life and I am not excited about doing stuff”. Now, this friend of her is the same she blew a couple of weeks before saying that she was with me.

 

So I got all confused and I am feeling a bit down. I know that the mentioned issues were there since the beginning but as I mentioned I let my feelings grow. To me this is she pulling back and communicating that she doesn’t want to date me anymore (since we weren't official I guess there is no "breaking up"). I am not sure how to respond. I obviously don’t want to force anything but I kind of wanted to let her know that the doors are open. I was thinking about texting her something along the lines “I understand what you are going through and call me if you change your mind”.

 

Was hoping I could get some feedback on all this.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Don't be confused. She is no longer interested. It's best to just move on.

 

I wouldn't text her, or leave a back door open. Bad timing, incompatibility, lack of attraction, it doesn't matter. Keep moving forward, not backward.

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