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Thread: Trying not to ruin a friendship

  1. #1

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    Trying not to ruin a friendship

    Hi, so...... I'm a 29 year old male working in an advertising company. About 5 months ago a Canadian girl started in my department. She's younger than myself, just turned 21 at the time.

    The girl has a boyfriend of 3 years and I never looked at her in any romantic way, hardly spoke to her in the first month. I came out of a 7 year relationship the previous year so that's the background.

    Then I received some random texts off her about 3 months ago, general chit chat about something that might have happened during the day. I didn't think anything of it. Then the texts became frequent, she contacted nearly everyday to talk and we'd chat more and more. Her boyfriend was in Thailand for 3 months last year but he's home and all was OK between them.

    In my mind I started to wonder why she wanted to talk to me so much. In work people noticed we got on very well and talked to me about an obvious chemistry. I tried to explain she had a boyfriend. I'd never interfere no matter how well we got on. She was moved to another sister firm for a while and she started to contact me everyday after work.

    A few times she's spoken about being unsure about the future of her relationship. I didn't want to be someone to encourage that talk despite the fact I had now developed feelings. I explained all people have doubts, you'll get through it etc. She's also said a few times that she could see herself with someone like me. She asked me my opinion, I didn't know what to say... I wasn't going to say "yes, I'm crazy about you and if you were single I'd ask you out". I tried to be diplomatic and said something like "you're a fantastic girl, I don't know what would happen" but she knows the truth I've no doubts.

    One day she started to tell me about how she's talked about going travelling with her BF for 6 months. I was surprised someone with doubts would make such a commitment. I acted normal but it affected me inside, I actually felt jealously. The next week I went on a holiday with buddies to Colorado and decided to be distant. She noticed and started saying she missed chatting to me and she cried in work as she felt she did something on me.

    I'm now in a situation in which I've developed feelings and am finding it difficult to approach the subject and chat to her regularly. People keep on saying this girl likes me but I will not approach that subject out of respect for her relationship. Is it appropriate to say to her that I've started to like her more than a friend and talking to her so much is beginning to really affect me? Don't get me wrong, it will be difficult for me to lose her but sometimes you need to look at the bigger picture.

    Sorry for the length, if even one person reads it then then cheers.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Pull way back on the chitchat but in a polite professional way. She was friendzoning you with wanting a "guy's opinion" about her bf/dating life.

  3. #3

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    Appreciate the response, the whole her asking my opinion was actually her asking me if she was the type of girl I'd go for. She doesn't really ask me advice about your current relationship.

    I will try to pull back again but she seriously questions me when I act differently. She notices it, so I'm afraid it's going to come down to me telling her out straight the situation.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Her fishing for compliments is also draining and a waste of your time to engage.

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  6. #5

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    Actually in regards to the friendzone, I told her out straight the other day my male friends have been saying I'm in the friendzone to test her reaction..... She laughed at me and said "I could never friendzone you as you're my type"

    Hopefully when I'm quieter she'll understand why without me having to say it.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Jason80
    Hi, so...... I'm a 29 year old male working in an advertising company. About 5 months ago a Canadian girl started in my department. She's younger than myself, just turned 21 at the time.

    The girl has a boyfriend of 3 years and I never looked at her in any romantic way, hardly spoke to her in the first month. I came out of a 7 year relationship the previous year so that's the background.

    Then I received some random texts off her about 3 months ago, general chit chat about something that might have happened during the day. I didn't think anything of it. Then the texts became frequent, she contacted nearly everyday to talk and we'd chat more and more. Her boyfriend was in Thailand for 3 months last year but he's home and all was OK between them.

    In my mind I started to wonder why she wanted to talk to me so much. In work people noticed we got on very well and talked to me about an obvious chemistry. I tried to explain she had a boyfriend. I'd never interfere no matter how well we got on. She was moved to another sister firm for a while and she started to contact me everyday after work.

    A few times she's spoken about being unsure about the future of her relationship. I didn't want to be someone to encourage that talk despite the fact I had now developed feelings. I explained all people have doubts, you'll get through it etc. She's also said a few times that she could see herself with someone like me. She asked me my opinion, I didn't know what to say... I wasn't going to say "yes, I'm crazy about you and if you were single I'd ask you out". I tried to be diplomatic and said something like "you're a fantastic girl, I don't know what would happen" but she knows the truth I've no doubts.

    One day she started to tell me about how she's talked about going travelling with her BF for 6 months. I was surprised someone with doubts would make such a commitment. I acted normal but it affected me inside, I actually felt jealously. The next week I went on a holiday with buddies to Colorado and decided to be distant. She noticed and started saying she missed chatting to me and she cried in work as she felt she did something on me.

    I'm now in a situation in which I've developed feelings and am finding it difficult to approach the subject and chat to her regularly. People keep on saying this girl likes me but I will not approach that subject out of respect for her relationship. Is it appropriate to say to her that I've started to like her more than a friend and talking to her so much is beginning to really affect me? Don't get me wrong, it will be difficult for me to lose her but sometimes you need to look at the bigger picture.

    Sorry for the length, if even one person reads it then then cheers.
    Even if she is interested in you, would you really want to be with someone who'd cheat on her boyfriend when a seemingly "better" option presents itself? If she'd cheat him, she'd cheat you. And yes, these comments she has made count as cheating.

  8. #7

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    It's an interesting point. I wouldn't allow anything to go further though unless she was single for a while. She'd never physically cheat regardless. I can't even bring myself to tell her I feel emotionally connected to her in fear it's inappropriate. I suppose part of me started to think she just was drawn to me and it was a special bond that made her think what life would be like with me.

    Appreciate all the advice.

  9. #8
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    Nothing good is going to come from this. She likes the attention. i feel for the bf.

    She was never yours to lose. You need to reign this in.

    Emotional cheating is just as bad! This is what YOU are doing.

    If you were together, I guess you would worry if she had some guy on the side for attention.

    Find someone single.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Yes, it's inappropriate to tell her anything, so don't. Do distance yourself and keep things strictly professional with her and everyone else at work. Don't engage in personal chit chat and if she tries to, just change the subject or simply excuse yourself.

    Consider that you work together, so any kind of involvement is liable to end very badly for you in particular. She can accuse you of sexual harassment and good luck going through that. Consider also your age/life stage difference. You are 29, have way more life experience and maturity and are at a totally different life stage than a 21 year old. She is still very young and doing what some young women her age do - testing out the waters, flirting, messing with men's heads because they can, relationships aren't serious, it's all a big game and a party. Not saying any of that is bad, it's a life stage she is in and she needs to live it and sow her wild oats before she ever makes a good LTR partner for anyone. Exercise some of that maturity and common sense and stay far away from this potential disaster area.

  11. #10

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    Thank you to everyone for taking the time to give me advice. You've all basically confirmed my gut feeling. It'll be hard to have less interaction with someone who started as a great friend but silly me developed feelings. I knew as soon as that started I needed to pull away but wanted advice on how to do it without giving away why I was doing it.

    I need to make sure in the future I don't playfully flirt even if I/we always drew the line due to her situation.

    Thanks again for the fantastic points made. I'll know where to come again for any issues.

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