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Should I go back?


Dumped4dog

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Long story short, my boyfriend and I of almost 2 years recently broke up. We had some relationship issues we had been working on, him with depression, me with wanting a commitment from him to a stronger future. I wasn’t asking for a ring or kids, just more time growing together because his depression often led to marathons of video gaming and countless nights of me begging for his attention or to talk at the minimum. I put maximum effort into our relationship, but felt like I continued to fall short. I desperately tried to find things to bring him back to life and finally got him to agree to volunteering at our local non-kill animal shelter, walking dogs for a few hours on the weekends. I thought this was the answer, finding something that brought him happiness, that we would do TOGETHER. I’m a genius. Two days in, he decides he NEEDS this pitbull. He has bonded with it and it is his answered prayer. He needs this dog to be happy. Keep in mind, I have an older frail dog who actually needed surgery at this time. I was insanely uncomfortable with the situation but STILL went as far as a meet and greet with the dogs to see if there was a chance... in other words, I always kept an open mind because I loved him, even though my gut was saying something was off. At the meet and greet, the dogs didn’t do wonderfully. The pitbull tried to hump my dog and went to playfully bite her neck, still too much for an older dog to safely handle. The trainers at the meet and greet unanimously agreed it wasn’t “a good fit” for the time being. They also said my boyfriend and I need to be in agreement over the dog, where my boyfriend responds “she’s not my wife, why does her opinion matter.” Ouch. Now, we are 28 and 31, this isn’t like a teenage love where it wasn’t anything serious. We lived together and had talked about marriage and kids multiple times and something about him making this commitment to a dog he’s known for 2 days and screwing over me and MY dog that he claimed to love as his own just SUCKED. So I told him I want him to be happy and if he needs the dog to be happy. Get the dog. I accepted it because all along, all I wanted was for him to be happy.

 

Problem is. I moved out. It’s been about 3 weeks now. And regret is setting in. He wants me back and knows exactly what to say to get me back. My heart obviously still feels for him, but my head is saying not a chance. He claims he would do ANYTHING to get us back, other than lose the dog of course (I wouldn’t want that either, being a complete animal lover). But we LIVED together. And I can’t just return to normal life when my dog isn’t able to be in the same room. He says if I loved him, I’d find a way to make it work. But I don’t get it because he KNEW the outcome of his actions. He knew the consequence. And now he realizes what he lost and will do anything to repair it, which is all I wanted all along, his efforts.

 

Again, my head and my heart are at war with each other. I think I have to stick with my head, but I’d like to hear some other opinions because I’m confused.

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He has chosen the dog over you. That's all you need to think about.

 

If he's begging you to come back it's probably because he misses the things you do for him. There's no way to work it if the dogs don't get along.

 

Nobody who loved someone would choose a dog over the person he loved. Let him have the dog and his video games to keep him happy. Find someone who loves you more than anything.

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He has *not* chosen the dog over her.

 

So I told him I want him to be happy and if he needs the dog to be happy. Get the dog. I accepted it because all along, all I wanted was for him to be happy.

 

You can't play people like that. Either you say yes or no, not "i am saying yes, but I secretly want you to know that I really mean no." You could have said "well, true, i am not your wife, but we live together and we want both dogs to be safe" -- did the animal shelter know you lived there with your dog, too?

 

 

The relationship was already done -- because she wants a commitment of some form and he is incapable of it because he is suffering from depression that he does not have under control. If you want someone to look after their mental health, they have to do it on their own terms and not by control )i.e, the only means should be through things that YOU approve of and facilitate). I think you may be slightly codpendent and you somehow "need" to be the guider/savior. Dogs provide infinite amounts of companionship and emotional support. When I was in my most anxious and darkest days - my pets are what got me through, because they needed my care and even if emotionally and mentally it was difficult to get out the door or lift my head off the pillow, they were the motivation to do so because they needed me to.

 

My best suggestion is to work on and address codependent behaviors, and enjoy whatever time you have left with your senior dog. Make the most of it. The relationship was already dead before the dog situation popped up.

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Problem is. I moved out. It’s been about 3 weeks now. And regret is setting in. He wants me back and knows exactly what to say to get me back.
Well, if what to say to you doesn't say this: "I'm not going to take the dog" then what is the point of any of this?

 

I think you should look into figuring out why you want to be with someone who needs caretaking (the dysfunctional opposite of caregiving) Instead of staying gone from this relationship, healing and finding someone who is happy and healthy.

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Why would you want to return to a situation like this!. This dude cannot make a commitment after two years, and it is a one-sided. Too bad you never factored in your happiness in this relationship.

 

Stop looking for projects. Your relationship is not healthy. You should also look into codependency to understand why you would even want to be with someone like this.

 

He chose a dog over you. Consider therapy for your self esteem and co dependency.

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He has *not* chosen the dog over her.

He claims he would do ANYTHING to get us back, other than lose the dog of course

 

How exactly is this not choosing the dog over her??

 

The relationship was already over. If he got rid of the dog, it wouldn't change a thing. He would still have unaddressed depression and she still would want a commitment. And she is passive aggressive. ("get the dog if that makes you happy. i want you to be happy" but secretly meaning 'no') Unless one person is allergic to the point of being hospitalized - then that is the only reason where its EVER ONLY about a dog. It seems on the surface getting the dog was taking control back.

 

She tried to engineer and control his healing and when it worked too well (he connected with a dog that gives him some purpose), she lost it. When you try to control someone, it seldom works in the long term. I feel that "i would do anything to get you back" is partially lip service and partially because maybe he is not used to being with

out the codependent dynamic. When people REALLY want to get someone back they don't make such blanket statements. (btw, she is no better for saying "get the dog if it makes you ha They say "ok, if the only thing keeping us apart is X, i will stop doing/get rid of X." Its not about the dog. If this relationship were healthy and stable, they could figure out to have the two dogs coexist. I have had dogs who lived together all their lives and then when one's health took a turn, they didn't want anything to do with eachother. The older one got annoyed and snappy - so i rotated who was free in the house and babygated the other in the bedroom - believe me, the older dog was thrilled to be babygated in the bedroom where it was nice and quiet. And how a dog acts at a shelter on first meeting is going to be different than at home. Or he would not have strongarmed this because they would have decided as a healthy couple to think about a dog and investigate which dog was best.

 

Anyway, she is beating a dead horse if she thinks this is really about the dog -- the relationship was dead -- and she was trying to resuscitate it by trying to manage his depression. which didn't work. Its like wanting your SO to go golfing with you so you wouldn't be lonely/could do the golf tournament because you had a partner and being angry when they like it, take an interest in playing without you

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But she is an ostrich with her head in the sand, as well, and needs to open her eyes before she meets another "project"[/quote

 

I agree with you.

I think she chose him due to her codependency. So dysfunctional. She sees herself as some kind of martyr

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Okay. I’m new here and clearly didn’t take into consideration how people pick apart your sentences like dissecting a heart. He had already TOLD me “my opinion doesn’t matter. That he is getting the dog no matter what I do”. There was no discussion, no options. This was happening and I had the choice to stay or leave. I told him to get the dog because he was getting it either way! Not out for a game. Not for manipulation. Because I loved the man and if he needs a dog to be happy. Then get the dang dog. I’m not going to sit there and curse him is what I was trying to say... that I was 100% civil in the matter.

 

I came to this forum to see what someone else would do. Yes. Clearly there’s some instability, but I gave this relationship my all and I was feeling like maybe it finally dawned on him that the dog wasn’t the key to his happiness.

 

He knew before getting the dog that I would have to leave because again. My dog is older and this rescue pitbull is ZERO PERCENT TRAINED. It’s very powerful and humps and my dog has a leg replacement already that I wasn’t willing to risk.

 

Point is... he is now calling me, writing me letters, finding me at church, to apologize and ask what can be done to fix this.

And I’m sorry, but project or not, when the person you fell in love with comes crawling back, it’s hard to walk away and was looking for healthy, understanding advice.

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And prior to this, we had a very solid 1 year of our relationship. It wasn’t until we moved in together that I noticed the signs of depression and yes. I loved him at that point and I don’t just give up on people.

 

You should have given up. Stop looking for projects to rescue.

 

He already showed you how much he values you. So what if he is begging you back, he will do it again. The dog is of more importance . Does this guy work?

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He does work yes. I guess I understand the whole “being a project”, but it didn’t start out that way. Or I was blind to it? Not sure what the real answer is there because I truly fell madly in love with this guy. If it weren’t for the random slip into video games to escape reality and the dog, I’d still be there.

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Okay. I’m new here and clearly didn’t take into consideration how people pick apart your sentences like dissecting a heart. He had already TOLD me “my opinion doesn’t matter. That he is getting the dog no matter what I do”. There was no discussion, no options. This was happening and I had the choice to stay or leave. I told him to get the dog because he was getting it either way! Not out for a game. Not for manipulation. Because I loved the man and if he needs a dog to be happy. Then get the dang dog. I’m not going to sit there and curse him is what I was trying to say... that I was 100% civil in the matter.

 

I came to this forum to see what someone else would do. Yes. Clearly there’s some instability, but I gave this relationship my all and I was feeling like maybe it finally dawned on him that the dog wasn’t the key to his happiness.

 

He knew before getting the dog that I would have to leave because again. My dog is older and this rescue pitbull is ZERO PERCENT TRAINED. It’s very powerful and humps and my dog has a leg replacement already that I wasn’t willing to risk.

 

Point is... he is now calling me, writing me letters, finding me at church, to apologize and ask what can be done to fix this.

And I’m sorry, but project or not, when the person you fell in love with comes crawling back, it’s hard to walk away and was looking for healthy, understanding advice.

 

Healthy, understanding advice or for us to tell you what you want to hear?

 

You are the boss of you and you do have some rescue/codependency issues that have you giving up your own happiness in order to make someone else not be unhappy. Up to you if you want to do that or not but we would be amiss to just tell you to go back to him without highlighting a few red flags that are a flying.

 

If it weren’t for the random slip into video games to escape reality and the dog, I’d still be there.
Well if those issues are still there then why go back to him? If nothing has changed then nothing will change.
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I guess that’s what I was ultimately getting at.... do those things actually change? Because if I went back to someone who’s showing remorse and it went back to the same old ways, then yes. You guys are all correct and I have co-dependency problems. However, I loved this man with everything I had and if he ACTUALLY changed and I didn’t give him the chance and the next woman that comes along into his life gets the version I could’ve had... I’d be bummed to say the least.

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I guess that’s what I was ultimately getting at.... do those things actually change? Because if I went back to someone who’s showing remorse and it went back to the same old ways, then yes. You guys are all correct and I have co-dependency problems. However, I loved this man with everything I had and if he ACTUALLY changed and I didn’t give him the chance and the next woman that comes along into his life gets the version I could’ve had... I’d be bummed to say the least.

 

Well, when you break up with someone the next step is to sever all contact so that you don't know what they are doing or who or how.

 

Look: As long as you are there enabling his gaming addiction and his getting some stray dog that he won't likely look after or train, then he has zero reason to change so to stay with him without him getting the therapy he needs (to get through his depression) then you are actually being selfish (without even knowing it). He needs to grow so my advice is do not go back to him unless he gets the help he needs and he gets that dog the training it needs. Humping your dog is a sign that he wants to be the dominant Alpha. e needs to be taught some manners and your ex needs to be there during the training so he knows how to handle such a dominant and often hostile breed. If he won't do those two things then you can love him all you want but you won't be happy with him.

 

Good luck...

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I guess that’s what I was ultimately getting at.... do those things actually change? Because if I went back to someone who’s showing remorse and it went back to the same old ways, then yes. You guys are all correct and I have co-dependency problems. However, I loved this man with everything I had and if he ACTUALLY changed and I didn’t give him the chance and the next woman that comes along into his life gets the version I could’ve had... I’d be bummed to say the least.

You need to learn and accept that people DON'T generally change who they are. This IS who he is at the very core. This is part of his make-up. What you see is what you get etc etc. You either accept him they way he is now, and live with it, or you re-think this relationship and what it is that you really want out of life for yourself and your future.

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Is this what you want to return to: me with wanting a commitment from him to a stronger future. I wasn’t asking for a ring or kids, just more time growing together because his depression often led to marathons of video gaming and countless nights of me begging for his attention or to talk at the minimum. I put maximum effort into our relationship, but felt like I continued to fall short. I desperately tried to find things to bring him back to life

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