A big positive change (possible getting back together)

I'm not trying to thread spam, but this is a big enough change I think it warranted a new thread.

My ex reached out today and apologized for the breakup. Said it was life pressures, misunderstandings and legitimate issues that caused it. Any regrets are over how it was handled not that she felt it was needed at the time.

But that after reflection the issues aren't dealbreakers at all, they just were at that time. And that she's open to trying again in a few months after we both finish up some major projects and have time to reflect/heal.

The changes requested are very, very reasonable, actionable and would benefit me and her regardless of if it works out. Things like communication and organization. Instead of spending energy on trying to guess what the other person meant we find a way to speak it so they know. Instead of spending time on things we don't need right away we streamline to the things we do and use the extra time to work better then have the time and energy to have more experiences together. I'm a mild packrat out of habit, not a deep need to keep everything. Habits are ingrained, but not impossible to change and something needed. Finally we moved a little too fast, so don't totally reset things as there is a history, but start anew with dates and work our way back up.

Usually you get something post-breakup that says change who you are at your core, not be a better you. All these are just "be a better you because I believe in you" (actual thing she said).

My gut says yes, yes, yes. This is actually what we all want to hear from someone I think. Wanted to see what outside views are because the heart involved plus I was dumpee combo doesn't always lead to the best thoughts or choices.

Well, it certainly seems that she wants to make another try at it. It's good to talk openly about the things that caused trouble in your relationship, but let me ask you this. Are all the changes that she wants on your part only? Are there things that you'd like her to change as well?

I hope it's not just one-sided.

Have you considered couples counselling ?

This is good to think about. I mentioned the communication as well. It wasn't horrible at all, but tended to be "Maybe..." or "Do you think?" when it was "definitely needs to be this." so clarifying what is really a maybe and what is a need was important for me.

Since I was dumpee I was more content with things than her.

Well, it certainly seems that she wants to make another try at it. It's good to talk openly about the things that caused trouble in your relationship, but let me ask you this. Are all the changes that she wants on your part only? Are there things that you'd like her to change as well?

 

I hope it's not just one-sided.

Wasn't something thought hard about, but isn't something opposed to at all.

Have you considered couples counselling ?

Since I was dumpee I was more content with things than her.

What I'm afraid of is that you're going to go into this reconciliation with your tail between your legs and allow her to demand her litany of complaints against you.

If you're incompatible, it's not just because of you and your behavior. What would you like to see her change? Are you going to let her call all the shots?

I really dont think it's a good idea at all. Who's to say she won't change her mind again and decide that this is not what she wants after all. You've already began moving on. I wouldn't go back there.

This is exactly why I posted on here. The things I not thinking about because of emotions.

Like I said would like to see her communicate better. And related allow for important things to be fixed without having to take every thought and act upon it like it's a big deal because don't know which matter. Everyone has thoughts about things everyday you mention to friends or people dating and you can't act on all. Most are just thinking too not a decision.

Since I was dumpee I was more content with things than her.

 

What I'm afraid of is that you're going to go into this reconciliation with your tail between your legs and allow her to demand her litany of complaints against you.

 

If you're incompatible, it's not just because of you and your behavior. What would you like to see her change? Are you going to let her call all the shots?

Something to consider as well. I will ask if she's sure before jumping back in. Either mind might change before mid-july.

I really dont think it's a good idea at all. Who's to say she won't change her mind again and decide that this is not what she wants after all. You've already began moving on. I wouldn't go back there.

This is exactly why I posted on here. The things I not thinking about because of emotions.

 

Like I said would like to see her communicate better. And related allow for important things to be fixed without having to take every thought and act upon it like it's a big deal because don't know which matter. Everyone has thoughts about things everyday you mention to friends or people dating and you can't act on all. Most are just thinking too not a decision.

The good thing about all this is you aren’t going to consider reconciliation for a few months. You got a golden ticket here.

You get to heal and work on yourself without the pain of loss Most don’t have that luxury.

Look man, the way you reacted to this breakup HUGE RED FLAG. This wasn’t a 20 year marriage it was a one year relationship where you both moved way too fast showing signs of possible codependence especially on your part

So she did the both of you a huge favor by doing all this ironically cause now with distance you can see her for who she is and she can see you for who you are and you can breathe, work through your own issues and if in theee months you still feel it’s worth it ok.

But and this is a big but this relationship needs to make some major changes. If you haven’t moved out yet move out do not move back any time soon. You two tried to play house instantly again huge codependence warning signs she needs to work on her fight or flight crap, just leaving cause someone else said so? That shows extreme immaturity on her part. You need to work on your self worth, you made her your whole world and she’s showing you now she can flip on a drop of a dime. Not the best bet to make when it comes to handing your entire heart over. Which you did incredibly quickly.

I wish you both luck, take this time and use it wisely.

I think you might be right. I had a health scare a few years ago and it made me want stability. Probably wanted it too fast here.

Can you be specific about the red flags? I don't doubt there are some, but every breakup sucks and is painful and has loss even a really short one so wondering if it was the depth of pain or specific things. And how do you tackle codependency. I have a counselor once every 6 weeks so I can talk to them about it too.

And thank you for the luck wish and advice. I want this to work, but don't want it to be a mess while doing so. Luck is a part of that, but so is working on it now.

The good thing about all this is you aren’t going to consider reconciliation for a few months. You got a golden ticket here.

 

You get to heal and work on yourself without the pain of loss Most don’t have that luxury.

 

Look man, the way you reacted to this breakup HUGE RED FLAG. This wasn’t a 20 year marriage it was a one year relationship where you both moved way too fast showing signs of possible codependence especially on your part

 

So she did the both of you a huge favor by doing all this ironically cause now with distance you can see her for who she is and she can see you for who you are and you can breathe, work through your own issues and if in theee months you still feel it’s worth it ok.

 

But and this is a big but this relationship needs to make some major changes. If you haven’t moved out yet move out do not move back any time soon. You two tried to play house instantly again huge codependence warning signs she needs to work on her fight or flight crap, just leaving cause someone else said so? That shows extreme immaturity on her part. You need to work on your self worth, you made her your whole world and she’s showing you now she can flip on a drop of a dime. Not the best bet to make when it comes to handing your entire heart over. Which you did incredibly quickly.

 

I wish you both luck, take this time and use it wisely.

Something to consider as well. I will ask if she's sure before jumping back in. Either mind might change before mid-july.

What if she says she's sure then a few weeks down changes her mind? I think you're setting yourself up for major disappointment.

I looked it up on Google and hit about 4 or 5 sites and all of them had a list of 20-25 signs of codependence and I met about 4-8 of them. Not full blown worst case, but also not nothing. And I can see why it would be something to work on. Most of mine fall into setting up boundaries emotionally camp. Don't tolerate drug use, abusive behavior or commit self harm to get attention type that it said are intensive therapy level. Mine are more like you said letting someone in way too fast and putting too much into the relationship.

Don't suspect it will be a quick fix to tackle that, but it isn't self esteem to the level I will tolerate being intentionally hurt. I won't take abuse and don't intentionally dish it out either so it seems fixable. Admitting on here it does fit me is a technique that was advocated. Tell people so you re-enforce it to yourself. Also they can encourage change or set up boundaries of their own depending on relationship level.

Thanks again. I think this will go a way towards helping. And it fits with SarahLancaster's observation seemed I might go in with tail between legs.

showing signs of possible codependence especially on your part

 

Not the best bet to make when it comes to handing your entire heart over. Which you did incredibly quickly.

 

I looked it up on Google and hit about 4 or 5 sites and all of them had a list of 20-25 signs of codependence and I met about 4-8 of them. Not full blown worst case, but also not nothing. And I can see why it would be something to work on. Most of mine fall into setting up boundaries emotionally camp. Don't tolerate drug use, abusive behavior or commit self harm to get attention type that it said are intensive therapy level. Mine are more like you said letting someone in way too fast and putting too much into the relationship.

 

Don't suspect it will be a quick fix to tackle that, but it isn't self esteem to the level I will tolerate being intentionally hurt. I won't take abuse and don't intentionally dish it out either so it seems fixable. Admitting on here it does fit me is a technique that was advocated. Tell people so you re-enforce it to yourself. Also they can encourage change or set up boundaries of their own depending on relationship level.

 

Thanks again. I think this will go a way towards helping. And it fits with SarahLancaster's observation seemed I might go in with tail between legs.

I still really don't think it's a good idea to to back involved with her. But you are going to do so anyway regardless of whatever advice you're given.

P.S you shouldn't rely on the internet for all of your answers.

 

The changes requested are very, very reasonable, actionable and would benefit me and her regardless of if it works out.

So do them, and if she gets back to in a few months and sees them... work out if you actually want her back then.

Do not wait for her and if you meet someone new, go with that.

What if she says she's sure then a few weeks down changes her mind? I think you're setting yourself up for major disappointment.

Eh...What if you invest in someone new and they do the same thing...?

Love's a gamble either way*

Carus*

I still really don't think it's a good idea to to back involved with her. But you are going to do so anyway regardless of whatever advice you're given.

I am working on stuff for me. If it works out with her then I'm very happy, but regardless I can work on bettering myself for whatever comes next.

Eh...What if you invest in someone new and they do the same thing...?

 

Love's a gamble either way*

 

Carus*

This is my thinking as well. There was enough good to want to try another roll if it looks promising, but if not then it's a gamble whoever comes next too.

She wants to try starting the relationship back up in a couple of months? That's just crazy. A woman who really liked you would want to go NOW!

I think there is a lot of wishful thinking going on here. If you do try to get back with her, I think you will just continue to get rejected and hurt. I would get out and save my sanity. You can find another woman to love.