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First Contact in Ten Years


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A woman who ended things with me almost a decade ago and with whom I broke off any contact has emailed me for the first time in eight and a half years. The note is friendly and apologetic. Not sure I should respond at all.

 

I tend to get back with old girlfriends at least once, sometimes twice. I know it never ends well. Obviously I suspect she has something romantic in mind, but whether she does or does not, I probably should either: a) just pretend I never saw the email; or b) write something nice but without any attempt at keeping a conversation going.

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If the note is "friendly and apologetic", then she probably has done some soul-searching and realizes she handled things wrong.

 

If you are not interested in striking up a relationship with her again, you can simply respond with kind thoughts, thanking her for her email. No more needs to be said. But to ignore it would not be kind.

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I agree with LHGirl^^

 

But 2 questions which came to mind for me were:

 

A) Are you in a relationship currently?

and

B) Would you want to get back together with her?

 

You could always just catchup over coffee with no expectations.....

 

The other thought I had was "10 years! Holy sh*t!".....lol

 

Carus*

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I think the same as Carus and LHGirl.

 

Respond even if just to say not in a place where you would want to take things further than an exchange of messages, but you really appreciate the apology and her reaching out.

 

It's a pretty big step after all that time. I'm curious as to what sparked it, but it's nice regardless.

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I don't see anything "romance motivated" to an apology letter. Obviously something happened in her life that led her to make things right with those she had wronged and you just happen to be one of them. 8 1/2 years has past, she is no longer the same person that you knew, and she's moved on. It's just a simple reach out to apologize. How to respond? Just say "thanks, I appreciate it". That's it, nothing more.

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A) Are you in a relationship currently?

 

Great point. If you are in a relationship currently, then I'd just let your girlfriend know about the email and your thoughts about responding to it "Thanks, I really appreciate it, very best to you". This way, nothing would ever come up with your current GF.

 

If you are not in a relationship currently, then I'd still respond, and then probably/possibly leave the past in the past.

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It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

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It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

 

I gott say this is really insightful. Thank you.

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She wants to talk on the phone, too. I'll just send her a "thanks, hope things are great on your end!"

 

Well this was an important point, and my advice would have been different, knowing she wants to talk on the phone.

 

My guess? She's in a dry spell and going through her "what-could-have-been's". She's the one who left you, so she could be thinking you'll just drop your life and take her back.

 

Yeah, I'd just send the "thanks" email and be done.

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I’m going through a similar predicament, however the roles are inverted. It is I who ended things.

 

It all depends on what you want. Do you still like her? Do you want to try again?

 

If so, she’s reaching out to you in hopes that you can.

 

Women will rarely get back in touch with ex partners to just chat? What she sent you is a low-risk feeler message.

 

If you want to give it another go, I suggest you invite her to yours for dinner.

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It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

 

This is spot on OP.

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It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

 

Well this was an important point, and my advice would have been different, knowing she wants to talk on the phone.

 

My guess? She's in a dry spell and going through her "what-could-have-been's". She's the one who left you, so she could be thinking you'll just drop your life and take her back.

 

Yeah, I'd just send the "thanks" email and be done.

 

I'm sorry. Yes, she included a phone talk request in her email. I have not responded yet.

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It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

 

I was about to send a friendly and funny letter about letting sleeping dogs lie, but then I felt guilty. I have sent out the same type of feeler letter to a half dozen ex-lovers when I was ready to say sorry and try again.

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It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

 

Well this was an important point, and my advice would have been different, knowing she wants to talk on the phone.

 

My guess? She's in a dry spell and going through her "what-could-have-been's". She's the one who left you, so she could be thinking you'll just drop your life and take her back.

 

Yeah, I'd just send the "thanks" email and be done.

 

Technically I ended it, but I might have been jumping the gun. I got the impression she was losing interest. I promised myself that I would never do anything so pathetic as try to convince a lover who has lost interest to keep me. Looking back, I realize I was probably moving too fast. I was a LOT less experienced with relationships back then.

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It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

 

Then why was her letter "apologetic?"

 

 

What exactly did the letter say?

 

I was clingy and pushy back then. I am extremely introverted and I just did not know how to handle a relationship with a woman I thought far beyond my reach. I basically threw a tantrum and broke up with her in order to escape even the chance of judgment and rejection. Then I N.C.ed her hard.

 

She wants to understand what happened, I guess. I don't want to copy and paste, but she is not happy with how things ended and wants to talk on the phone.

 

The more I post the more I realize that maybe in her mind I dumped her abruptly and she is the one still seeking closure. I'm reeling at the prospect that I might have been the offending party all these years.

 

I sent a letter of apology for being so needy and reactive back then. She may call me if she wishes. No hard feelings.

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It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

 

So are you saying YOU wrote a letter first and now after all this time she is responding to it?

 

No. She emailed first after eight years. I ended it and N.C.ed her. But I always gave her credit for the dumping because she seemed to be losing interest anyway. But now I realize I might actually have really been the unreasonable dumper. Which is why she is still looking to talk after almost nine years of me not attempting to contact her.

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No. She emailed first after eight years.

 

So this letter you sent her was in response to her email mentioned in your opening post?

I sent a letter of apology for being so needy and reactive back then. She may call me if she wishes. No hard feelings.

 

Sorry for being confused on the time-line of the letters.

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