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Thread: I hate my brothers ex and I feel depressed about his break up,am I normal?

  1. #1
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    I hate my brothers ex and I feel depressed about his break up,am I normal?

    My brother was with this girl for nearly 6 years and she was like a part of the family. They had a house together and were engaged until she decided she isn't in love with him anymore and out of nowhere told him it's over.

    Now I know no ones perfect but my brother treated her so well, he paid for lots of things and was always picking her up from somewhere or doing things for her and she says he has been taking her for granted where I see it as she has taken him for granted and I'm so mad at her it's safe to say I hate her.

    I've been so depressed over this I hate that she has hurt him like this,he doesn't deserve to be hurt at all as he is a wonderful person. I've been crying on and off and just miserable. I am engaged and i can't imagine what he's going through, I feel sick. He said He wants to stay friends with her but I really dont want him to. He deserves better.

    Is it normal for me to be affected so much? I know our parents are very upset too and told him theres no forgiving her. I feel the same.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    He probably did take her for granted - unfortunately it happens a lot. Maybe he slacked up during the relationship in one of the following areas: romance, respect, affection, or trust.

    But it's pretty normal for you to take your brother's side. Blood is thicker than water, as they say.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Just relax, it's their issue. Yes it's normal to be upset for him, but not normal to be this involved or hateful. He's your brother so of course you'll take his side. It doesn't matter why they broke up. All breakups are he said/she said. Stop communicating with her and any of her people, delete and block her from all your messaging apps and social media. "Hating" her will not ease your brother's heartache and is not supportive. Focus on simply being there for him and staying neutral. Just listen. Do not trash talk her. That never helps.
    Originally Posted by chocolate_86
    she decided she isn't in love with him anymore and out of nowhere told him it's over. Is it normal for me to be affected so much? I know our parents are very upset too and told him theres no forgiving her. I feel the same.

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    I can understand you feel upset and sad for your brother. It's normal to feel protective and struggle when they hurt.

    The truth is that you don't know their inner dynamics as a couple; only they know that. You know his side, which is valid, but you don't really knows hers. Nobody can ever really know how a couple is behind closed doors. Whether or not they stay friends isn't your call. My own brother stayed in a toxic relationship well past its expiration date, and while I secretly hoped they'd one day set each other free and and move on, it wasn't my place to try to tell him when and how to do so. I supported him through the break-up, but kept my negative feelings about his ex to myself.

    I would be concerned that crying on and off and feeling this hateful is a sign there's something more going on inside you. My friend had a similar reaction once to a family member's break-up, and it turned out it was triggering some of her worst fears because her own relationship wasn't exactly on solid ground either. She was experiencing some past and present hurts, and living out future fears, in watching her loved on suffer a painful split. She was very worried that the same would someday happen to her. So, I would start by reflecting on how your own relationship is going, and whether your reaction to your brother's break-up is triggering you in some way.

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  6. #5
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    The only thing I think is I am deadly scared to lose anyone who means so much to me and my brother is in that category where I feel like I worry about his mental health as we suffer anxiety in our family.

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    She didnít suddenly out of nowhere that it was over.
    Stop being so naive.
    He might be perfect in your eyes , she might be perfect in her families eyes.
    The bottom line is they were not perfect for each other.

    And itís a good thing they discovered it sooner than later. Donít you agree?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    She didnít suddenly out of nowhere that it was over.
    Stop being so naive.
    He might be perfect in your eyes , she might be perfect in her families eyes.
    The bottom line is they were not perfect for each other.

    And itís a good thing they discovered it sooner than later. Donít you agree?
    Yes this and you don't know both sides. It's nice to pay for things but she wasn't his prostitute right? So that's certainly generous on your brother's part and irrelevant to whether they are a good match -and don't assume she lead him on, etc. I think your feelings are normal in the sense of your feelings are about you - you are now worried that your engagement won't work out "randomly" (because you see this as out of the blue even if it is not). And yes you're worried about his health but if you're this worried then why now and why not years ago when he started dating her - were you this worried then that if things didn't work out he'd go into a depression? When is your wedding date -that might be feeding into your stress.

  9. #8
    It is rather weird how emotionally invested you became in their relationship. Its their business and their ussues. It wasn't really anything to do with you and it still isnt. Get on with your own life.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by chocolate_86
    The only thing I think is I am deadly scared to lose anyone who means so much to me and my brother is in that category where I feel like I worry about his mental health as we suffer anxiety in our family.
    So right here are the two very valid reasons this bothers you so much:

    You are really scared that this could happen to you, and you fear for his mental health.

    Explore those feelings, those fears, and work on them within yourself.

    I'm so sorry about what happened to your brother. Yes, people can change on a dime. It's happened to me. In most cases, the person who leaves has had feelings building up for quite a while, even if they don't show it, so it seems that it happens like that....snap....but in reality, it was probably brewing for quite a while.

    Give yourself some good self care, and show your brother your support, as this is most likely an extremely difficult time for him. When it happened to me, I was absolutely devastated, so I empathize.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I can understand you feel upset and sad for your brother. It's normal to feel protective and struggle when they hurt.

    The truth is that you don't know their inner dynamics as a couple; only they know that. You know his side, which is valid, but you don't really knows hers. Nobody can ever really know how a couple is behind closed doors. Whether or not they stay friends isn't your call. My own brother stayed in a toxic relationship well past its expiration date, and while I secretly hoped they'd one day set each other free and and move on, it wasn't my place to try to tell him when and how to do so. I supported him through the break-up, but kept my negative feelings about his ex to myself.

    I would be concerned that crying on and off and feeling this hateful is a sign there's something more going on inside you. My friend had a similar reaction once to a family member's break-up, and it turned out it was triggering some of her worst fears because her own relationship wasn't exactly on solid ground either. She was experiencing some past and present hurts, and living out future fears, in watching her loved on suffer a painful split. She was very worried that the same would someday happen to her. So, I would start by reflecting on how your own relationship is going, and whether your reaction to your brother's break-up is triggering you in some way.
    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    So right here are the two very valid reasons this bothers you so much:

    You are really scared that this could happen to you, and you fear for his mental health.

    Explore those feelings, those fears, and work on them within yourself.

    I'm so sorry about what happened to your brother. Yes, people can change on a dime. It's happened to me. In most cases, the person who leaves has had feelings building up for quite a while, even if they don't show it, so it seems that it happens like that....snap....but in reality, it was probably brewing for quite a while.

    Give yourself some good self care, and show your brother your support, as this is most likely an extremely difficult time for him. When it happened to me, I was absolutely devastated, so I empathize.
    I agree with both of these.

    This is clearly not about her. Also as others mentioned you dont know their true relationship, no one does but them but to you, you saw a man give everything and still be devastated, so you've been knocked off center it seems.

    Yes definitely explore this.

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