What Psychological Means Is This?

I'm pretty good at figuring people out.. but there's one person who I just can't. We've known each other for almost 3 years, and we had a falling out due to things like jealousy, competition, and her just being rude and too big headed was becoming a turn off for me so I distanced myself from her. We talk again now because I have no choice due to work, friend circles, ect. That's besides the point though. I couldn't stand her at one point because it was like she was belittling me, but then building me up, and also constantly boasting herself out loud and on repeat. She would tell me I'm not trying hard enough (when I was suffering with a sickness), but then say things like I'm employable and can do anything. She constantly reminds others within conversation that she is pretty and/or what she just succeeded in. She is highly successful and works very hard, but then talks about everyone else who she deems isn't worthy. It's like she's trying to keep them at the bottom so she can rise higher to the top. Most recent example: Our manager is thinking of hiring this girl for a particular role, and then the girl I'm talking about goes on about how she thinks this girl is awful at what she does, then all of a sudden she is posting on social media like crazy of herself doing that particular role (probably so she can get hired instead... which is always what happens). It's like her motivation is to keep people behind, or something else very dark. Can anyone make sense of this psychology? It bothers me, because I have to be around it all the time and she's very intense and a lot to handle, also the talking over you type of person and very manipulative. I feel like if I had a better understanding of her, I might be able to dodge certain things she says, and just flat out feel better about being around her. Avoiding her is not a thing, so no one tell me to avoid her lol. When we had a falling out and I avoided her, she made sure I got no work. She had everyone wrapped around her finger, everyone loves her because she helps everyone only to her future benefit and no one sees it. When I got better from my illness, I acted as though everything she thought about me was all in her own twisted illusion, and it took about a year, but all of a sudden the jobs came back for me, and I know it was her. I have to admit I was jealous of her at one point, because she created this toxic relationship between us, basically using me as a punching bag because I'm a good listener, ect, and I had no idea she was doing this to me. She made me believe that she got a head of me because I don't work hard enough and I became very depressed thinking it was true, when really all I had was an illness. Is this person a narcissist? or physco? What do you guys think. It's so hard dealing with her sometimes.

There are only two worthwhile ways to spend your most valuable commodity...time. Doing what you have to do (work, study, pay bills, errands, etc) and doing what you enjoy doing (hobbies, interests, friends, relaxing, etc) Everything else is a complete waste of your time and energy. Read some books on "how to deal with difficult people at work", educate yourself...that is at least productive in that you will learn new tools to make your life easier.

If you have to go to work you have to learn to deal with all sorts of people effectively. Be professional, polite friendly and leave it at that. If social media annoys you (it is Not a necessity) and you do not enjoy it then do not waste all this time there making yourself crazy over social rivals or office politics. Do not waste time spinning your wheels in catty gossip. Do not waste time wishing people would change, etc.

Readjust your thinking. Ask yourself "how is this productive?" "Am I doing something I need to do to achieve goals (paycheck, etc) or something I enjoy doing?" If what you stated in your post is neither of these, simply discontinue wasting your time, energy and thoughts on it and redirect that toward something productive or enjoyable.

She is highly successful and works very hard, but then talks about everyone else who she deems isn't worthy. she is posting on social media like crazy of herself doing that particular role

Hiya,

I just came across your post and I have sort of been in your situation so maybe I can give some pointers on how to tackle this.

Firstly, please excuse me if I've misinterpreted anything you have said, however it seems like there is a lot of ignorance in the mix. Before you begin to make a judgement about this other person, I would suggest spending a bit of time to get to know them. You did mention that you had a falling out, but who fell out with who and why? Am I right in assuming that you were once friends or just work associates? Are others in the same boat as you or are you the only one who dislikes her?

Why not invite her (just her, not as a group outing) for a drink or lunch some time. Keep it casual and just get to know them a little better. Keep in your mind that it is for your benefit that you do this and not with the intention of becoming bffs or anything like that. You want to use this time to figure out what makes her tick. It might also be interesting to see if she acts differently towards you if you guys are alone and not part of a group.

From your description of this person however, they sound like a stereotypical bully. They probably are very clever or good at whatever it is they do, but thats no excuse to act like a jerk. Many bullies do whatever it takes to get their own way and will sometimes do or say things just to get a reaction, which can lead to positivity or negativity. If a bully is not in control or feels threatened, they will often act inappropriately or sulk until they get what they want.

Like many bullies though, there may be something deeper that is causing her to be this way. It could be that she has a strained relationship with her family that has made her this way (like if her parents think she's a failure or isnt pursuing the path they expect of her. Mental and possibly physical abuse?). She could have experienced something or she may actually have been the victim of bullying at some point in her life that has made her this way. Putting on a front may be her way of dealing with this when deep down she might not be a very happy person.

I'm doing a lot of guessing here, but your best bet is to do what I suggested and get to know them some more before formulating your own conclusions. You could also speak to mutual friends about this person to see if they have anything they can add that helps to better explain their behaviour (you might find that you're not alone with your opinion of her). If for whatever reason that fails, dont let her or the situation get the better of you. After all, you were the bigger person who went out of their way to better understand them. If they arent willing or capable of being a reasonable friend or acquaintance, then at least you know that theres nothing more you can do for them. Just carry on with your life and dont take any further remarks this person makes about you to heart.

If it is getting in the way of your work or career, you should be able to speak to someone within your organisation who can follow certain procedures to ensure that her behaviour does not impact your work. By law, they have to have a formal disciplinary process in place to ensure employees have job satisfaction. If your organisation fails to handle the situation, consider seeking advice from a professional concerning following tribunal proceedings. The case I was personally involved in was fairly resolved just by talking things through and finding a common ground. It didnt amount to anything further beyond just having a good chat, free from any distractions.

I hope this helps, and good luck! :)

Hiya,

 

From your description of this person however, they sound like a stereotypical bully. They probably are very clever or good at whatever it is they do, but thats no excuse to act like a jerk. Many bullies do whatever it takes to get their own way and will sometimes do or say things just to get a reaction, which can lead to positivity or negativity. If a bully is not in control or feels threatened, they will often act inappropriately or sulk until they get what they want.

 

Like many bullies though, there may be something deeper that is causing her to be this way. It could be that she has a strained relationship with her family that has made her this way (like if her parents think she's a failure or isnt pursuing the path they expect of her. Mental and possibly physical abuse?). She could have experienced something or she may actually have been the victim of bullying at some point in her life that has made her this way. Putting on a front may be her way of dealing with this when deep down she might not be a very happy person.

 

Hey there, you are bang on for the most part. So we were very good friends for about 1.5 years, saw each other almost everyday, as we were working on performance routines together as partners (our career is performing, so it's a cut throat world, not something that authority can handle). I know exactly what makes her tick, and you got most of it. She has religious parents that don't approve of her career path and she can't tell them anything about her life, and I believe she rebelled a lot based on what she has mentioned to me. She has been abused in high school relationships, all to do with sexual trauma. All her boyfriends that she has dated while I have been in her life have been awful. She constantly seeks validation and brags about her success. She can't handle being alone and has bad anxiety if she just sits for a second and does nothing. I'm pretty sure performing has become her life because it is something she has control over. She has an obsessive personality that works to her disadvantage but also advantage in extreme ways. We had a falling out because I got sick (I had no idea) and couldn't physically keep up with her. I would constantly put myself down thinking it was all my fault I wasn't working hard enough. And she would also tell me I'm not trying, which hurt a lot, because I felt like I was trying my hardest. Because I have only known her for less than 2 years, I didn't know the dark side to how she can treat a "good friend". I was able to get past her constant boasting of self-esteem and arrogance because I understood what she went through in the past. What I was not able to get over is the fact that she pushed me to the side to reach the top while telling me I'm not trying hard enough. I get it now that she was probably angry that I wasn't keeping up, but partners are supposed to lift each other up, not bring each other down. I became jealous not only because I watched her climb to the top without me, but because it felt like she was shoving her success in my face. Constantly telling me about all the success, while telling me I suck basically. Maybe it's a reflection of what her parents do to her. But I stopped talking to her and put my dream on slow-mo because of her and I just needed to get away. I switched training studios to stay away from her. I lost all my gigs because she told everyone I was "taking a break", which I was not (she accidently exposed this to me recently and I just said nothing and let it go). The reason why we are friends again, is because I found out I was sick, finally understood why I couldn't keep up, and realized it was not my fault. I told her in the past I was upset at her and she apologized, and I also told her I was sick and she became more understanding, but also never once asked me how I was doing, because everything is about her. I'm healthy again now, and I'm back in the game, performing with her and others. But she is still the same arrogant, constant boasting person, and I don't completely trust her anymore. She talks badly of others she deems unworthy. I don't trust that doesn't talk behind my back too. We have had one on one moments together, and I'm honestly really trying to mend our friendship and it is working. She calls me personally now which hasn't happened for a while. But I still feel like I need to keep my distance. I'm feeling a bit fake about it, and I've never faked a friendship before. I feel like I have to be her friend, otherwise no work... I want to be her friend, but I don't. I want to be her friend because she gets me work (shallow I know) but she also taught me the lesson "you're never going to be ready, so you have to just do it anyways," which is something that changed my life. I don't want to be her friend because she doesn't listen to me, and I don't completely trust her. I also have no idea how to handle her.

I do believe the essence of a true leader is in his/her ability to inspire and motivate others. I've never seen a personality like hers move forwards in a successful or larger, more reputable company. You may be carrying some negative feelings due to your romantic involvement with her so I'd only suggest that you put that aside and stop carrying that chip on your shoulder.

You seem to depend on her for consistency in available work and I think this fuels your resentment. Until you break free and are independent in finding work on your own, this will fester and you won't grow much. Just being honest with you.

Hiya,

I think Rose Mosse basically summed up my opinion based on your latest post.

Its clear that you dont want to be associated with this other person so the first thing you must do for your sake more than anything is to find a way to cut them loose. You need to realise that you arent obligated or destined to be with this one person for the rest of your life or career, therefore you must either go out on your own or seek to find other likeminded people to work with. It might be worth trying to organise a portfolio of the work that you have done and seek opportunities with agencies who specialise in your area of expertise. It will initially be a lot of work, but I guarantee that it will be more satisfying in the long run than to have to rely on someone that has a negative impact on your life. The Internet and social media (not just Facebook) are your best friends!

The next thing I will say may come across as harsh, but I believe its important to look at things from more than one perspective. No matter what your opinion of her is, it also sounds like she's trying to push you to better excel at your career. We all have an encounter with slave drivers in our lifetime, however thats not to say that the experience (be it positive or negative reinforcement) should be greeted with a negative outlook. I cannot comment on a personal level, but if this person thinks you can do better one way or another, then maybe you can. Their delivery of encouragement may not be done in the best taste, but this may be the only way they can express their feelings due to who they are as a person and their lack of intercommunication skills. Its like I said though, if you cant work with this person and it negatively impacts you, then you need to find alternative solutions to pursue your career without them otherwise you may never succeed.

Thats not to say that you ultimately cant keep a neutral ground with this person and maybe become even closer friends than you are today, however I think that a lot of this built up tension and misunderstandings will soon fade away once you learn to find your own independence in your area of work.